DAY 17 - FRIENDZONE (again) + Evaluation

29 October 2015 8:54 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 17

Anyway, sorry for not updating yesterday Because of some academic stuff, and not regular sleep time lol. Oh yeah, finally i just reached my Day 17, so i am going for the hardest day of the struggle, as what my friend already told. Day 18-21 will be so hard, even i relapsed at those days often.

Oh yeah, as what the title of this blog already told you, i just confessed my love to a girl! But, yeah, in the very end, i get friendzoned. I don't know what to feel about this, because we know, getting friendzoned is as hurt as being single, because you don't have someone to date or, yeah, bf/gf thing.

But, we should also know, every negative thing also has a positive, even though a little. I had a chat with one of my close friend, and he even said this

"Bro, both of you guys never met each other, so, i also think, if you guys dated, it will be very risky, even it won't last long".

Yeah, friendzone is of course, not a bad thing. But, it will make you sad, like you really hope for something serious, but it didn't happen. Moment of silence for me, then!

BUT, NO NO NO!! I'm not the same as last year, like when i get friendzone, i relapse and look back at porn.

So, at that time, i decided to evaluate myself on what i have to do in the future. Because, failure is the best place to know what we should fix. And, i give you some points and also i took some tips from my friend. Here are things i already found and evaluated!

1. Confession can be a bad thing for you, just act like your girl already said "yes" to you. Like asking for hangout, treat a dinner.
2. Love is not about dating, so keep your desire for a date, just try to be a better man for girl you like.
3. Never expect too much, because the best expectation is no expectation.
4. If you failed, or maybe she didn't like you, GO AWAY!! Find another one! Maybe she may not be a good girl for you, or maybe you should fix something for her.

I actually think there are some points i already left, but yeah.. these are my evaluations, so i am really proud that i got friendzoned today, because, let's look at the bright side, i can encourage myself to be a better man, so, maybe i can marry her, or at least better than her, or we don't know, because GOD decides.

The same thing also happened to you guys, from my story, i just want to let you guys know that GIRLS ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A GOOD MAN.. (NOT HANDSOME), okay?

So, before thinking of dating or whatever, you should look at the mirror again and see whether you already deserved or not.

I will be doing that, and i hope you also do that! Thanks and Cheers for the "Friend"Zone!!!

DAY 15 - ALMOST RELAPSE (AGAIN)! (+Evaluation)

28 October 2015, 05:11 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 15

DAMN!! I almost relapsed.. Actually, when i slept, suddenly, a sex scene comes to my dream, i didn't peek on any porn-related stuff at that time, but it comes! And, in the end, i almost had an orgasm, i never felt this. Like, you usually have an orgasm, after masturbating. But, at this point, it's like a sudden orgasm.

But, thank GOD, i didn't make it, i still managed to maintain myself for not having any orgasm.. So, yeah, the struggle is still on!

When i woke up, i evaluated myself on what's wrong.. And, i found out that i almost relapsed, because i stayed up late, i slept at 1:00 a.m, i actually have slept at around 9 p.m, because i felt sleepy, and also i have a little problem with my laptop batteries. That's why i got this urge..

So, yeah.. prepare again for another urge!! And also, sleep earlier!!

DAY 14 : PORN DESTROYED MY LOVE STORY (+ PLANS TO RE-SHAPE)

27 October 2015 1:37 p.m (GMT +7)

Day 14 (i planned to write 2 posts today)

Before i took a nap, i chatted with my friends on kik group called "Battle Goal", and at that conversation, someone suddenly thought about having a girlfriend and getting married. I started to realize that, porn really has a negative effect on my love story.

I remembered one year ago, i had a crush on a girl from one of community i joined. We really feel so close at that time, even i remembered there is a moment where she said this

"I want to be honest with you that i really adore you, you are really a humble man".

Listening to this statement really makes me fly away.. You know, when you really fall in love with someone, the world seems really colorful to you, whatever bad things happened, you enjoyed it, just because you fall in love with her.

But, my love story ended, after one day, i lost the battle, i got overtaken by her friend, it means that she just had a boyfriend, i really remembered the date, it was 12 August last year. I really felt so sad at that time, even i remembered i relapsed on this porn addiction. Yeah, i felt really stressed that time, even porn didn't even heal it. Because, i was really close on confessing my love to her, but it was too late. I felt depressed, i felt like nothing.. I felt like, i will not find a girl like her, or maybe, better..

And, yeah, as i already told before, i relapsed, and since that, my mind started to shift negatively, i mean, i am really easy to be sensitive towards other. All things that came to my mind was just a negative thought. I got too sensitive on everything. I got easily irritated and somehow, sad on everything.

It is even worse after one moment, i decided to stalk on her (as what i used to do), and somehow, she got really angry on me, even she sneak dissed me on social media. And, everything really started worse, my relationship with her started getting worse and worse... And, of course, i blamed porn for that to happen. Because, as i already told you, porn decreased my judgement ability, porn really destroys your mind. And, yeah, porn had already destroyed my love story.. My sweetest love story

And, thank God, this doesn't happen again.. Our relationship started to get better again, we even chatted really well. We even supported each other for every possible thoughts. And, suddenly, all this love feeling towards her started to grow again.. grow again and again, like what had happened last year. But, i decreased my hope. Last year, i hoped she could be my girlfriend, while this year, i just hoped for a better relationship (maybe BFF, or something)..

To be honest with you all, we have never met in real life, we know each other on social media through a community, we never met due to some reasons, yeah, distance is one of them..

So, today or tomorrow, i am planning to reconfess my love to her again, i really want to say that i still love her no matter what happened to her. I still keep my love to her, i don't really care what will happen in the end, because yeah, i just want to confess without any possible implications. I mean, i don't want to hope for anything better, to be her best friends makes me really happy.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!

I also just realized that dating is not important for us, especially in my religion. Because, the most important thing is to have a good marriage, and also, to have a good children. Dating can be a sin to you if you did it in the wrong way (like, if you did sex before marriage, even kiss actually).

I did it because i realized that "PORN HAS DESTROYED LOVE ON EACH OTHER", and my story really proved it. And, i have been starting this NoFap struggle and reached Day 14, so, i feel really better day by day. And, i have prepared for any bad possible things that may happen.

Please, friends! If you're reading this, please pray the best for me!

DAY 12 & 13 : NOT QUANTITY, BUT QUALITY (Meaning Of Friendship)

26 October 2015 10:56 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 12 & 13 (i will be writing about what happened between these 2 days)

Yesterday (25 Oct) at about 3 p.m, i chatted on Skype with my new friend from South Korea, bro Albert. He is actually one of the NoFap motivator, he also has a YouTube account that contains of his NoFap story, or also some good motivations. You can check his YouTube channel here --> Albert An

Not only that, he is also a founder of a good application called Battle Goal (you can find it on Play Store for Android, or maybe App Store for Apple users). It's actually an application that can be used as a platform to reduce or get rid of any addiction, but actually most of users are struggling against Porn Addiction (including ME!).

We chatted for about 10 minutes on Skype, yeah, mostly we talked about Introduction and the possible updates on Battle Goal or whatever. But, in the end, after the chat, i just realized that i am actually friendlier in social media world rather than in the real world. Yeah.. i really have less friends, not because i am actually a bad person, but actually, i am a little bit introvert.

I wrote stuff about friendship now, because i have just decided to stay away from my good friends. Yeah, i'm not gonna say my friendship with him is over, but i actually make a distance towards him, because of his attitude. He even opened to some of my friends about my porn addiction, because he found out about it. Not only that, i think that he is using me for his profit. But, yeah, i hope i might be wrong. But, wait! STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM, anyway. haha!

After that, i talked to some of my good friends about my friendship, becuase my mom also concerned about it). And then, i remembered one of them said this.

"Friendship is not about the quantity, but it's about the quality"

Yeah! I've been losing friends due to porn addiction. They don't even know actually about my addiction, but yeah, porn indirectly breaks your friendship, as what my friend in Whatsapp group has said in another post before. But, of course, not all of them hates you, there are still some of them who still treated me good. And that makes me really happy! Eventhough, right now, i feel that i have more friend on social media rather than in real life, i still feel happy, because i still have a place where i can share my feeling, and of course they understand my feeling, and motivates me to do better and better.

And today, i feel really happy because i did a great job, i helped my friends on group assignments, and they also thought me in positive way. Also, i understood the lectures really well, and so on! I really think my friend is right that,

"Friendship is not about the quantity, but it's about the quality"

No matter how many friends you have, but as long as you can still maintain it well, and they understand and respect everything about you, it's okay. That is still besides you and still motivate you when you're up and down.
Not just some bullshit fake friends who likes you for their own profit, but when you are down, they leave you, and they treat you like nothing.

And right now, i am still proud that my good friends still motivate me and always help me to quit for this Porn Addiction. I really want to thank them and hope the best for all of them!

To my friends, or readers, if you have less friends, here are some pictures for you!

DAY 11 : NEW SPIRIT TO BE PRODUCTIVE!! (especially on Writing)

24 October 2015 7:57 pm (GMT +7)

Day 11 (DAMN!! I JUST REACHED DOUBLE DIGITS!!)

After struggling on the big urge and trigger on Day 10 (or maybe 10,5). I decided to wake up and forget about it, in the morning around 8 a.m, i participated on a talkshow about enterpreneurship, emphasizing on how to become a trainer, writer, and counselor. Because, later, i really need these skills to be a better man in the future. And, after the talkshow, i really have a new spirit! Especially on writing!!

source : tumblr.com

As you have already know, i have been writing about my struggle to end this porn addiction in this blog, and for unpredictable reason, i will lose my motivation for writing. That talkshow really motivates me well, of course, in terms of how to become a trainer, counsellor and writer (it's all the theme anyway, haha).

The first theme of this talkshow is how to become a trainer. It was really great. I really feel the vibe from the trainer, she said that to be a great trainer, we need to be a "strong" person and also a clever person. She also said thatnas a trainer, we really need to have a good connection and be a little "reckless", because to be a trainer, we need to start from training small groups of people. For me, it is really important, because right now, i can train or motivate some of my friends about porn addiction, whether they have become addicted or not, so they won't touch stuff related to porn FOREVER (yeah, at least until they get married).

The second theme is about how to become a writer. This theme REALLY CHARGED ME UP!!! I used to be a writer, i even had a health blog (it's in Indonesian, anyway), but due to my porn consumption, i didn't manage it well.. it's actually not only because of porn, but also tight college schedule. The instructor also shared us his story of how he started as a writer due to some funny stuff, he criticized a stupid article about polygamy (one man marry to more than one woman) on a newspaper, and his critic is suddenly published on the same newspaper, it's axtually his very first article, he also said that he is not a top notch writer, because he never gets rejected by any newspaper until now.

What motivates me more from the second session is when he talked about the usage of writing, and he said that writing can be used as a therapy. And, i suddenly feel like "DAMN!! IT'S REALLY TRUE!!", i just realized that yesterday, i almost relapsed because i didn't write like what i supposed to do.. i actually agree that writing can be a therapy, and right now, i am starting it and it's my Day 11 writing..

He also told us about how writing can fly him abroad, and of course, i feel really motivated.. i really hope that one day, this blog will make people inspired not to be a porn sddiction, but it's not the reason why i wrote this blog. I also really dream to go abroad, 3 months ago, i just cancelled my contract to go to Lithuania due to college activity, and it's really baf for me. And i still wish, one day i will visit Japan, South Korea, or Saudi Arabia. I will tell you the reason later.

He also told us that writing should be done at least one time a day, and it can be everything,  it can be a diary (like this blog), an article, or whatever. And he also instructed us wherever or whenever any idea hits us, we should directly make a note on wherever media. Notes, tablets, whatever! This talkshiw REALLY CHARGED MY SPIRIT UP!!

I AM CHARGED UP!
Source : twitter

I even asked myself during that sessuon, "WHY DIDN'T I CONTINUE MY WRITING SPIRIT??", but it's not too late anyway. So, i have to continue!!

Actually, the last session is about how to be a counsellor, it's actually the same thing on how to be a trainer. So, it's not that significant, i even didn't pay attention to it, because i wrote my Day 10,5 post that time, lol!

So far, i think, the best therapy for this porn addiction for me is by writing. And right now, i am starting this! I hope i can shift my addiction from porn to writing (whatever).. The reason why? You can read this post!

Source : success.com

DAY 10.5 - ALMOST RELAPSE!

24 October 2015 10:05 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 10.5 (i supposed to write hours before, on 23 October, but, due to assignment, i write it now, on Day 11)

If you're reading this post, i almost relapsed!!! It's actually crazy because i almost relapse after 10 Day of struggle.. it all started because i saw a nude video by accident, and the urge is really going high after that. This event happened when i slept after working on assignments.. and it happened before i sleep!! Yeah, i often also relapsed before i sleep

Hours before that, i also gained an urge after havig stressed due to my friend's bullshit joke.  They used my bad past as a joke, and somehow, i feel so uncomfortable. So i ended up telling about the urge to my friends. And to decrease it, i watched a documentary of famous hiphop group named N.W.A (if you guys know Straight Outta Compton, you know who they are). and yeah, i overcome it well

So, for those two events, i didn't end up masturbating or even continuing to get exposed on pornography. But, they both give me urges that is always hard to overcome. And right after i woke up, i did evaluation on why i let those urges happened.

And, i just found out that i slept too late, at that night, i slept around 1 a.m, and i just realized i forgot what i have written before, that i have to sleep earlier to prevent the urge to hit me again.

So, if you're reading this post, please sleep early!! I mean, seriously! SLEEP EARLY!! At least, sleep based on your biological clock, or the easy way, sleep based on when you used to!!

DAY 9 : GOING FOR DOUBLE DIGIT! (+Words from Friends)

22 October 2015 11:32 p.m

Day 9

I literally enjoyed this day. I went to college at 10 a.m, and went home at 4:30 p.m. And, the college was fun. I totally don't feel any urge at all today. And at that time, i almost cried on what i have just done.. yeah! i finally reached Day 9 of my struggle to quit porn addiction. And, by the end of the day (actually less than 30 minutes later), i will be struggling for Day 10. Yeah! DOUBLE DIGIT!

DOUBLE DIGIT!!!!
source : tabercartoons.wordpress.com

Some of my friend said that DOUBLE DIGIT (Day 10-99) could be the hard, because most of the relapses happened during that period. So did i, i always relapsed during the period (you can read about story of my past relapses in this post)

Thank God, i remembered one note a good friend had wrote. I think, it can motivate me or maybe you all readers also.

"Porn destroys your mind
Porn destroys your health
Porn destroys your humanity
Porn destroys your personality
Porn destroys your happiness
Porn makes you a slave
Porn prevents you to focus and think normally
Porn destroys your relations
Porn makes you dumb
And porn destroys your life.
Hope u all have a nice day..." (My Friend in Whatsapp Group "No Fapperz")

Yeah.. porn completely destroys your life, i mean your life 360 degree. So, i hope this can motivate you guys!



Hope to see you all going strong! Hope also i can go strong during this period!

DAY 8 : ONLY ONE SENTENCE

21 October 2015 10:58 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 8

Feeling great every single day, no urge, no stress, no bad thing.. good evening from here!

DAY 7 : THE STRESS IS COMING!

20 October 2015, 11:03 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 7

Yeah.. as you already read on the title. The stress is coming!

Actually, by the time i wrote this post, i have just managed it well. But, seems i am still continuing my streak for NoFap (porn quits), i still need to prepare for bigger stress.

So, let me write everything about the stress i have just felt during this day..

1. I suddenly didn't feel motivated to go and study at college
2. I just found that i need to pay for something that i didn't even belong to
3. I lost my lunch bill on canteen (yeah, Thank GOD i still remembered how much money i have to pay for it)

Actually, only 3 kinds of stress that came to me today, but yeah, every stress can be a trigger for me to relapse. And, suddenly, when i have lunch, the URGE IS COMING!!

So, what i did is, i joined WhatsApp group called "No Fapperz", which is always supportive toward each other, and i also joined kik group called "Battle Goal". Both of them are really supportive for the member. And, when the stress comes, i chatted through my friends in "No Fapperz" group. And, THANK GOD.. one of the member responded earlier, by giving me motivation so i won't relapse on the day.

So, i chatted with my friend on the group chat about my stress. Anyway, his name is Ali, from Iran. And, we chatted a lot about several stuff, also i told him about my background. After exchanging stories toward each other, i completely lost my urge! SO, YEAH!! I MANAGED NOT TO RELAPSE TODAY!!

When i came back home, i took some cold showers (not cold anyway) in the afternoon, and i just realized that all these problems and stresses i felt during the day happened because i forgot to read Qur'an (Islamic Holy Book) today (at least 1 page). This is really sad because throughout my porn quit, i always read Qur'an in the morning or afternoon the day before.

I think, this is God's punishment to me due to my failure to read Qur'an daily. So, yeah, i managed it well today, and not relapsed also today.

The moral of the story is.. when you get stressed, i think, you should share to some of your friends who understands you more or at least willing to help you, or maybe, have some fun!

But, i have to prepare for another big stuff to happen. Like what DJ Khaled said, you should always prepare for..

ANOTHER ONE!!!!
Source : kanyetothe.com

DAY 6 : LEARNING FROM PAST RELAPSES

19 October 2015 8:41 p.m (GMT+7)

DAY 6

Actually, i just know that the journey to quit Porn is mostly called as "NoFap Challenge", so yeah, i've been joining NoFap challenge for 6 days, it means this is my Day 6. To support that, i've engaged myself to so many groups related to NoFap. I have joined 2 WhatsApp groups related to NoFap, 1 kik group (i actually downloaded kik just to join the group, lol!), and 2 Facebook groups.

During those social media groups, i have gained so many friends worldwide (none of them from my country, and i feel really sad). And, on this Day 6, most of the conversations are about RELAPSES!!

In a Whatsapp group called "No Fapperz", there are 3 members that just relapsed on the same day and 1 member relapsed yesterday. And, on a kik group called "Battle Goal", people also talked about relapse.

Honestly, that makes me really worried about another possible relapse, since in these last 3 days, i have got some urges due to some stress (physical and emotional), i even had a dream on having wetdream (not due to porn, of course) yesterday (Thanks God it's not real, though).

You know, i have been 6 days struggling for this NoFap thing. And, some people remind me when you have reached 10-20 days, you are going to get some big tests that will end yourself getting relapse again. So, i decided to take a look back on how i relapsed and why i relapsed (mistake is the best teacher!).

source : twk92.wordpress.com

I already have made it on the Day 1 post, though.. you can read it here

So, in this post, i want to talk about the story of what actually happened during my past relapses!

1. My latest relapse!! (i remember the day because i wrote it here, and that made me start writing daily). It happened because i peeked on porn video, i did it because i feel sleepy at all, and i just hoped that after listening to some stimulus, i will be awake again.

But, in the end, i just keep searching for porn video, and BAM! I RELAPSED AT THAT TIME!! I even feel stressed that i kicked myself out from "No Fapperz" group in Whatsapp.

2. Relapse after the bad exam! (around 8 October). It happened because i just didn't score well at my exam, i was on Day 10 or 11, and i feel stressed. I can't even resist myself for watching porn, because i feel really spiritless. Even, after my friend in college motivated me, i still feel down (until now actually, but not really) at that time,

So i decided to reduce my stress after watching porn. But, this time, i just feel not concentrated at all, and keep watching the whole day (i relapsed at noon, and i even keep searching at evening).

3. Relapse after big stress! (around 19 September). This could be my longest streak, since... i actually don't know (maybe February this year). I was on Day 18-19 for NoFap. At least, this is my longest streak during my NoFap journey (i joined this NoFap journey since August this year).

Actually, 3 days before (16 Sept), i have just finished and passed my thesis examination (or maybe, graduating paper). And, day after that test, i feel really stressed for no reason, feel depressed for no reason, or feel spiritless at all. And, it all summed up with feeling lonely and uncontrolled, so i decided to "peek" again on something that makes me happy. And, yeah, as you know, i ended up finding porn materials. And, of course, I RELAPSED!

4. Relapse due to feeling lonely (1 September). This is actually crazy, because it happened on the day where i just went to college for 1-2 hours. And, i just peeked on audio sex (like phone sex recording or something). Yeah, i RELAPSED OF COURSE!! At that time, i really felt lonely, and had nothing to do

5. Relapse after a stressing exam (4 August). At that day, i just finished an examination. Really, it's unpredictable! It's not hard anyway, but the pressure i had from the examiners made the examination really hard! I even feel stressed after the exam. I was on Day 13 at that time, and i feel stressed. I feel lonely, and i think, if i watched porn video, it will make me better. So, yeah, I RELAPSED

6. Relapse on November 2014. I actually decided to stay abstinence because i registered as a Lab Assistant (it's really prestigious job for college student), so i have to take a test but 1 day before the test announcements. My laptop has just got broken. And, i feel really stressed, so of course, BAM! RELAPSE!!

And, from those relapses. I found that after you relapsed, you will find it hard to get back up. It means that you will need lots of days to start NoFap struggle again. I also felt the same on my latest relapse. I need about 4-5 days to be really serious on starting NoFap again.

Moral of those stories are... While you are on NoFap struggle, or let's say, having abstinence on PMO. Physical and emotional stress will come to you at anytime, it will cause you to have urge that will make you relapsed. So, all you have to do are:

1. STAY POSITIVE!
2. If you are alone in your home, GET OUT FROM YOUR HOME, GO SOMEWHERE YOU WANT! (and realize, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! GOD IS WATCHING YOU!)
3. Less Internet consumption, if you need, just go and find some interesting videos (or maybe Funny) (i did it and it was proven well, read it here!), or maybe read some nice articles
4. Have a cold shower, because it can increase your immunity, decrease your stress, and also decrease your fat, and of course, decrease your urge
5. When you have urge, tell some of your friends, so they can motivate you
6. If you are using VPN application, GO AND DELETE IT!
7. NEVER HAVE ANY INTENTION TO PEEK ON SOME PORN-RELATED MEDIA!

AND OF COURSE!! YOU GON' BE ALRIGHT!!

source : Kendrick Lamar - Alright (Official Music Video) screenshot

DAY 5 : ANOTHER SHORT WRITING! (even shorter)

18 October 2015, 10:13 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 5 :

Doing this day without any bad moments, sleep better, and also really enjoy learning some incredible stuff.

I almost prepared for 2 posts in 2 blogs, but didn't happen, because of my enjoyment in learning and also taking rest. But, overall, i enjoyed today!

I almost had an urge at noon, but i managed it well (Thanks to Funny YouTube videos!). I watched some funny videos by KSI (he's a gaming YouTuber anyway).

Hope tomorrow, i can make another reliable posts (not just short writing again)

THANKS and now, preparing to face DAY 6!
Another Day, Another Challenge!

DAY 4 : JUST A SHORT WRITING

17 October 2015, 10:13 p.m (GMT +7)

DAY 4:

I am right now feeling so busy, and of course, so productive..
I almost had an urge but i managed it well, thanks to my supportive friends
I will make an important post for the Day 5
I am thinking to confess my love to a girl


That's just a post for Day 4, sorry for the short writing. I just want to fulfill my obligation for writing something on this blog everyday!

DAY 3 : SLEEP EARLY, SO YOU WON'T RELAPSE!!

16 October 2015 12:47 p.m (GMT+7)

DAY 3

In this 3rd Day of My Journey, i feel quite stressed because the schedule in my campus is really f**ked up. Yeah, seriously f**ked up. Because i started my lesson from 8 a.m until 4 p.m.

But, the thing that stressed me out is there is one-hour break and i really feel stressed, because i think, i just really want straight lesson, like from 1 p.m-3 p.m, not 1 p.m-2 p.m, and then 3p.m -4 p.m again. so, i can go home faster, and sleep for some hours.

Speaking of sleep, i just found a new method to overcome my urge on pornography, and it is "make yourself sleepy". I mean, yesterday, i learned lots of lessons in the evening, and i ended up very sleepy. In some days, i used to masturbate or maybe get exposed to porn before sleep, such as finding for sexy girl's phoros, or stuff. But, for yesterday, i overcome the urge. Because, after learning some lessons, i ended up gettig tired and sleepy. So, i slept, and when i woke up in the morning. I don't even know about any urge again.

But, i think, before you tried this method, you should have done something productive before sleep or maybe straight after wake up. Yeah, i mean, activitites, such as doing homework, reading books, or maybe writing some blogs or articles. Because, doing nothing or doing not useful thing can lead you to RELAPSE!!! And, of course, RELAPSE means that you have failed and you have to try from LEVEL 1 again.

So, yeah, if you don't want to relapse, so SLEEP EARLY, OR MAKE YOURSELF SLEEPY!!

DAY 2 : PORN MADE ME DO IT!

15 October 2015, 00:18 a.m (GMT+7)

DAY 2

In this Day 2 writing, i want to start telling you guys my story of porn addiction. I mean, i want to tell you guys the things that really happened to me since i got addicted to porn. Here are the things that have happened to me!

1. I am called "stupid", or maybe not stupid. The last time i did the full IQ test was in 2012, when i have to determine my next step, i mean, where i am gonna go for the university. And, you know what, i just found out that my IQ is actually 103. It's really bad because almost lots of my friends got higher score than me. Of course, i blamed my porn addiction for making these things happen. Because, there are several research saying that porn viewing can decrease your IQ

2. I often put bad decision, or if not, bad judgement. One thing that i really remember is about 3 weeks ago. I did a really stupid job, that ended up getting my coat burned. It's actually hard to tell in English about how that happened. But, yeah, in a easier way, i didn't think before doing something. I just really have quick action without thinking

3. I am always easy to say something out, and it turns out bad. I am not actually a big mouth (i mean, a gossip boy), but sometimes, i can say something that can hurt people. I just remembered how i get kicked from my batch LINE group (LINE is a messenger application, if you guys don't know), just by saying something stupid. And, it all happens because of my bad judgement. For those of you guys, there is also a scientific research showing that porn addiction can decrease your prefrontal cortex ability. Prefrontal cortex is an area of the brain that has the function of judgement

4. My grades are decreasing! Yeah, this 3rd year has been a bad year for me, because i underperformed. 3rd year of college is also one of the peak of me to consume pornography. But, in the end of the 3rd year (which is on the Summer 2015), i decided to be serious on the Porn Quit. And, thanks to the remediation (i mean, fixing up some grades), my grade is back increasing again. But, yeah, that was bad.

5. I lost some good friendship. It all happens because of some factors, because of my bad judgement, and also people still think porn addiction is a bad thing. Some of my friends (in high school) who introduced me to porn also hates me or even makes fun of me for being "hyper-sex" or whatever else. But, right now, i am now on the right track to get more and more good friendship again, and also build some respects from my friend.

6. I failed on getting girlfriend. This is also a sad story. Last year, i approached a girl, in my opinion, she is perfect for me, i like her personality eventhough maybe she is not as beautiful as Taylor Swift or whatever. But, for me, she is like a wife material. And, when it comes to D-Day to state my love to her, she was already TAKEN!! AND, IT HAPPENED FOR ME TWO TIMES!! Right now, i am still thinking about that girl, and i still wished one day, i could marry her, or maybe the girl who has the same personality as her in the future. Amen.

Actually, i still have lots of thing to write. One of them is i almost have suicidal thoughts, just because of all that stuff. But, THANK GOD, i still have some good friends who still can motivate me and still takes me positively, eventhough i already have lots of negative stuff coming towards me.

And, for that every bad things that happened throughout my porn addiction period.
I just realized that PORN MADE ME DO IT...

PORN MADE ME RECEIVED ALL THOSE BULLSHITS
PORN MADE ME DID EVERY BAD THINGS THAT IS STUPID

PORN MADE ME DO IT, and IT'S REALLY AWFUL..
AND OF COURSE, I WANT TO QUIT, SO MY LIFE GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL

DAY 1 : THE REAL STRATEGY FOR THE QUIT

14 October 2015 09:01 a.m (GMT +7)

DAY 1!

I have relapsed from porn 10 hours ago, and i still feel really stressed about it. But, i always read some great words like,

"fall 7 times, wake up 8 times" or "if you failed a lot, you just found lots of way to prevent it", or whatever..

Those words really make me thinking that i just know where and which one will trigger me to relapse again. So, i think, i have to talk about the things that can make me relapse again, and i just want to share you all, and my planned solutions for the trigger, so by knowing my trigger, i will give my real strategy to help me quit

1. Of course, being alone! Being alone is always a mistake. you can end up getting lots of sins.. So, maybe, if i feel alone, i need to write something on this blog or even listen to some good music or watch some concerts, or maybe watch some movies (normal movie i mean), or watch some funny or educative shows, and also learn some new knowledge.

2. Wearing shorts! Sometimes, wearing shorts can make you feel the urge, so this time, i won't use shorts anymore

3. Staying up at night! The funny thing is i have sleeping disorder, and it is.. i used to sleep at 8 or 9 p.m, wake up again at 12-2 a.m, have Isha' prayer and try to sleep again. But, i usually can't sleep, so i used my phone for that stuff. But, for now, maybe, i just try to not to have a continuous sleep, i mean, sleep and wake up. not, sleep-wakeup-sleep-wakeup. This can trigger my brain to consume porn/

4. Using VPN application (in computer or even tablet). Reddit and Vimeo sites are blocked in my country due to some reasons, so if i really want to open it, i need to download VPN application. This also indirectly will help me to open porn sites without any resistance. So, i can just say, this will trigger me to relapse. So, maybe, i will be uninstalling all VPN applications and also not opening reddit.

I have asked lots of friends about their struggle, yeah, seems the first and second week is going to be very difficult, because i often relapsed on that period. So, right now, i need to prepare and also i need some assistance that i can have from my friends.

Right now, i am also having a war in Battle Goal applications, so for those who relapsed. They will be told the loser, so it's like a big competition, and i really like competition!! I also joined two Whatsapp group for those who are struggling to quit porn. So, i think, it's not gonna be hard anymore. Because, we are struggling each other and motivating each other to be a better person

Yeah, good luck for me and the whole porn addict who really wants to cut this addiction to zero!

Maybe, i will just say this, i will write everything in this blog minimal one post for a day, if i failed, i will call myself having a "relapse" from porn. My minimal target is 10 days and i want to push everythng so i can be a better person again.

RELAPSE AND THE REAL START!!

I just relapsed again... and i am really sad about it, but right now, i am gonna start wrtiting about my journey.. since i just have a new spirit on writing again.. so, let us go!!