Yogyakarta, 14 May 2017, 9:41 p.m (GMT+7)
The Journey Restarts! (Day 0)
Yup... i just relapsed. After lots of days struggling, even with my success of publishing a book discussing about my porn addiction story and how i can overcome it. I still ended up with a relapse. For now on, i don't want to talk about the reason why, and also the story behind it. It was a really sad news that i still try best not to rewind this bad moment. I know, it is still normal when you relapse, but let me just reflect this by myself, without discussing anything regarding to it. The reason are mostly the same, whether you are bored, you are stressed or you are alone. Lately, i feel stressed and bored since i am right now in the Anesthesiology Department, and everyday, i have to enter the Operating Theatre to watch an anesthesiologist work. In case you didn't work what anesthesia is, it's like when you are being operated, you will feel some numb. Anesthesiologist actually gave you some medicine that will make you numb. But, it's not always like that. They mostly work in Emergency Unit, or maybe ICU (Intensive Care Unit). And, the night before, i have to go to several wards to do some pre-surgery visits, checking their vital signs, following their latest laboratory results, and educating patient on what to do before, while, and after being operated.
But, not only the journey to beat porn addiction will restart, but also, i really hope one day, my life will restart. I am not talking about suicidal thought in this post. Eventhough, lately, i thought about suicide, i even tried to overconsume painkiller, but i was lucky i didn't end up dying or even feeling any kind of discomfort, since i don't consume many pills, it is like i took about 4 pills. I still feel good since i have several friends that want to help me and will to listen to what i want to achieve. Even, a friend of mine cheered me up by reminding me about a story when i failed and i get back up, and lots of people started to appreciate me then.
Speaking of appreciation, eventhough i already published my first book. I still feel people i don't get much appreciation for doing that. I remember one time several people called me a dumb or a useless person just because of one simple mistake. Yup, one simple mistake. But, right now, i still feel like when they said it, i just need to put a mirror in front of them and tell them "YOU'RE EVEN DUMBER THAN ME! I ALREADY HAVE MY BOOK. WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUH?". But, i know i can't do it, i am not a type of person that can do such kind of thing.
Anyway, back to the title, i really want to restart my life all over again. Right now, i am currently living as a (still) medical student, currently i am now in a clinical rotation phase. It's like after taking an undergraduate degree and earn the "Bachelor of Medicine" degree, you need to get in this clinical rotation for about 2 years, so you can graduate as a doctor, and work in a healthcare facility. So, right now, it took about 1 more year for me to achieve the "Medical Doctor" degree. But, after several considerations, i don't really think being a doctor is a good choice for me. I really enjoy myself as a writer, writing about everything, about music, about entertainment, about health, and about anything else.
I currently have a dream that one day, i will be working as a medical writer in America, taking graduate degree for Medical Journalism in University of North Carolina, or maybe a Public Health Master Degree in Harvard. Because, i really want to be a behind-the-scene guy to improve the health status, not only in my country, but also in the world. I know that being a doctor is a really great profession, since you will be dealing with your patient's wellbeing. But, for me, speaking is not my ability. Besides the medical knowledge and clinical skills, communication (in every aspect of it) is one of the biggest weapon that can give you the character of a great doctor, or let's say FIVE-STAR DOCTOR.
Somehow, i enjoy every moments where some of my friends appreciate my writing content, repost them, and give some constructive feedback, or maybe discuss something about my writing. About 3 hours ago, a famous local radio announcer just bought my first book, and he said that my book is a really good book, especially for an amateur writer that just published a book. I enjoyed them rather than several moments where i met a patient, talk about their diseases, and gave them some education about how to prevent their disease or even symptoms. I don't know why. Not that because i hate sick people, but i just don't want them to be sick. I want them to be always healthy.
Speaking of writing, i already planned to write my second book. I feel really sorry because i can't publish my first book in English, just in Indonesian, because i may have a minor plagiaristic issue with an organisation. And, actually, my first book didn't even sell well, mostly due to lack of promotion from the publisher and also myself. But, it is all good. Mistakes are there to be learned, not to be cried. These mistakes will give you more strength and ability to be a better writer in the future. So, i have made some concepts about my second book. My second book is actually a continuation of my first book, and i planned to write it in English. So, it can also help me enriching my English writing skills, for a better purpose, like possible postgraduate scholarship, or something like that.
My second book will be quite a novel, and the theme may be quite controversial, but it is still related to my first book. I really will discuss about "Love" and "Intimacy" in it. But, of course, i will be writing this in tons of aspects. Social, Health, and many more.
I planned to release it coincidentally with HIV-AIDS Day or maybe Sexual Violence Awareness Day, or any day that has relationship with Sexual Violence, HIV-AIDS, or Sexual Disease. Let's see how this will roll, then. And, don't forget, please pray for me for a better life. Hope i can see myself later as a writer in the future, not a doctor.
I LOVE WRITING!
Please, pray for me!
