DAY 40 : THIRD CHALLENGE... REDUCE BODY FAT!! (+ announcement)

22 November 2015 9:14 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 40

GOD!! I HAVE REACHED DAY 40!!! YES!!! This is going further and further.. So, right now, i decided to do something, which is.. starting from tomorrow, my format post is not talking about days anymore.. Because, i think, NoFap is not about counting days, it's about how to set goals for better life in the future.. And, i have been getting some benefits, so, the only thing i want to do is keep going, while thinking about what to do in the future.

Anyway, during this 40 days, i have so much urge, tomorrow, my holiday ended. So, i am about to do some activities again in college. Yeah!! But, not only during 30 days, i also eat more and more.. i didn't do any single workout again, yeah since my motorcycle accident. I often do jogging, it's not actually jogging, i just jog to make me able to play Ingress, lol!! (anyway, if you don't know about Ingress, go google it!!). But, it is really bad that during those days, i started to gain some weights.. It's crazy!

So, i decided to do another challenge, yeah, it's my third challenge, which is to reduce body fat. I am right now targeting for 2 weeks challenge. I just watched a video on how to reduce body fats, and it was stated that you have to do workout early in the morning with full stomach for about 20-30 minutes. I kinda think it's good, since i will be really busy in the afternoon, and also during the rainy season, rain usually falls in the afternoon or maybe night.

I think, doing workout may also be good on assisting me throughout this NoFap challenge, because when you get sweaty, you will feel sexy.. I mean, i don't know, i feel like, the sweat goes out from my body and bringing some sexual urges. It's really great. So, i decided to do it, i am about to update you guys about my 2 week challenge..

But, yeah, all i am really afraid of is also about the consistency. Sometimes, i always be full with assignments and lectures, so maybe i can prepare and learn it at night before. So, i can stay focused on my challenge.

Yeah, i decided to do 2 WEEK CHALLENGE OF BODY FAT REDUCTION!! I WILL UPDATE THE RESULT TO YOU!!

DAY 39 : AMMUNITION FOR RAINY SEASON

21 November 2015, 9:47 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 39

Good evening from Indonesia, folks!! It's Saturday, and still having holiday after exam. And, yeah, somehow feel lonely and bored that i have to struggle with some triggers and urges that may happen during these days..

Anyway, i just came back from shopping for about 5 hours ago, and on the way there, i had to meet rains with thunderstorms again. Maybe, some of you may have known that i had some fears of rainy season. I might think it's kind of phobia.. It's kind of relapsed phobia, because that was cured for about 8-9 years ago, and it hit me again this year, like last February.. So, right now, i feel really scared of any rain that happen.

My fear will increase also, because i just read the news that my city will suffer from La Nina, it's like the compensation effect of El Nino. El Nino itself is the prolonged duration of summer, or let's say, dry season.. Yeah, rain supposed to come on October, but, for this year, rainy season started in the middle of November. And, according to meteorologist, La Nina will reach my city in December, La Nina is like the cooling, so there will be increased rainfall, with quick winds and also, thunderstorms!

After exploring about my fear of rainy season, i concluded that there are 3 reasons why i am afraid of rainy season, which are thunderstorm sound, the lightning, and blackout! Yeah, my city often experience blackout if there is heavy rain with thunderstorms and quick winds. For those of you who doesn't know, blackout is a condition where you don't have any electricity at your house, or maybe your neighbourhood.

Okay, so, of course, i have to face my fear, as what my friends had suggested me, because the only way to cure yourself from the fear is by facing it! So, let me show you my ammunition for rainy season!!

1. For the thunderstorm sound and lightning, i applied a method called "desensitization", it is like, exposing yourself to material that can trigger your fear. So, for this method, i searched some YouTube videos related to those two, like compilation or whatever. Even, i watched the documentary of lightning, so i have to know how to save myself from lightning. Yeah, although we have overcome the fear, it doesn't mean, we don't need to stay away from it. It may danger yours, eventhough 90% of people who get struck will survive. But, yeah, to prevent is better than to cure, right?

So far, what i got from these method is, when the thunderstorm comes, stay inside. It will make you safer. But, yeah, i have to prepare at least for the lightning part, because it really makes me scared.. Maybe, for the thunderstorm sound, i can use headphones while raining, and listen to some music or maybe radio if i feel bored.

Not only that, so far, during the rainy season in my country, the thunderstorm and lightning are not that big, but yeah, still need to prepare. And also, from the videos i have watched so far, the great lightning hits some rural areas, yeah.. i live in the urban areas, so it may be fine for me, i hope so..

2. For the blackout, i have to do something which is not boring for me. Because, mostly, i used to live with some electronics, like computer and smartphone, or even WiFi connection. For now, i have bought lots of books, yeah.. medical books, religion books, motivation books, or even puzzle!! I also will buy some emergency lamp if in case, the blackout happens at night. So, i can learn or read something during the blackout. I also need to buy a powerbank to maintain the battery of my smartphone, in case, the blackout happens for a long time. Yeah, these rarely happens so far, but i still need to prepare for it.

3. I also need to start on doing cognitive therapy and relaxation therapy. Right now, i will find some meditation videos or controlled breathing methods, so when the rain comes, i try to remain calm and also realize that i am right now in safer place, so you will never experience thunder strikes.

I think, by applying these 3 methods, it will make me to survive during the forthcoming rainy season. Right now, my city is in the transition phase, yeah from dry season to rainy season. So, it's also a good time to prepare for the rainy season. Because, generally, rainy season is really great. You can feel calm by the sound of rain. I hope, i can also.. Amen..

DAY 38 : START TO WRITE AND SHARE!!

20 November 2015, 7:02 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 38

2 days to reach another milestone, which is 40 days of porn-free, or at least masturbation and orgasm-free, or whatever.. at least, not in the pornography world.

Yesterday, i just finished my assignment which is about narrative writing. I was asked to create a narrative text about someone who got a chronic illness, and i decided to write about myself. Because, i thought that addiction is also a chronic illness. It was supported by American Society of Addiction Medicine that, "addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory, and related circuitry". So, yeah, it depends on how we want to say it, but scientifically it's a chronic disease.

Anyway, i heard from the lecturer that the top 10 assignment will be published or at least, made a journal. First time, after submitting the assignment, i felt scared if this will be included in the top 10. But, now, i don't care much, because seriously, i think, this will be a really great moment or way to tell about my story, yeah, my story on how i struggled to get out from this porn addiction.

I am not afraid of anything, because, i am just being honest. I really like to be honest on everything, not everything though. But, at least, for this porn addiction, i am not afraid to share this to you all, right now. Because, it was or will be my past. And i will be proud to say this. I also wish that one day, my story can be an inspiration to another, or at least give benefits to other people.

Because, i was taught that the best person on earth is a person who always gives benefits to others. And why should i be hated for being honest?? Maybe, people will hate me, but, i think, it won't last long. Because, maybe, they didn't understand about it. Just think positive about it.

Anyway, let's be honest, i really enjoy blogging or typing all these posts in every single moment. Because why, i did this for lots of things. Let me tell you!

1. I really have passion for writing. I don't know, but i really enjoy it.
2. Writing can be a therapy for me. Sometimes, i still got urges on pornography, so i decided to open my blog and write something, yeah, at least a draft. And, suddenly, the urges started to decrease, and i can do another activities as well, like learning, reading, or whatever positive..
3. I have gained lots of positive feedback from my friends about my blog. Even i remembered one of my friend said this.
"I have seen your blog, seems that you are really a good writer"

Or even these statements

Sorry for all the names shared in this posts, but yeah, as you see above, no private chats, just saying "hello!" or "how are you doing", or discuss some general things.

So far, these are the reasons why i still continue writing and enjoy every single moments of it. Because for me, it will decrease my boredom..

I think, writing can be a good therapy also for you guys, especially if you guys want to get out from your bad past, like addiction.. Because, yeah, it really worked on me.. I have reached Day 38, and right now struggling for Day 39.. And, i reached that after using writing as therapy. I feel really good!

You can write in wherever you want, maybe in a diary, a special journal or even a blog. But, since blog is quite open, maybe, if you're afraid to share, maybe you can make it personal, or at least, share with some reliable friends, so they can cheer you or motivate you to keep writing. Then, you can also get motivated to succeed during your effort in quitting addiction

You can even write whatever you want, yeah, at least it doesn't hurt any people who will or may read it. You can't write about some racial issues, or ethnical issues, or stuff that may be dangerous. You can write about...

your love (like this post, DAY 14 : PORN DESTROYED MY LOVE STORY),
your thoughts (like this post, DAY 20 : FINDING TRUSTABLE FRIENDS)
your ideas (like this post,  ,DAY 1 : THE REAL STRATEGY FOR THE QUIT or this, DAY 3 : SLEEP EARLY, SO YOU WON'T RELAPSE)
your past events (like this post, DAY 25 : I JUST GOT ACCIDENT) 
your feelings (like this post, DAY 17 : FRIENDZONE (again)) ,
or even about your idol (like what i did through this, DAY 29 : I LOVE MYSELF! and this, DAY 21 : LEARNING LIFE FROM SAKURA (CHERRY BLOSSOM)
or even you can write some stuff, like letter (like this most viewed post, DAY 26 : DEAR PORNSTAR, I STILL LOVE YOU)
or maybe a diary..

IT'S UP TO YOU!!

I think, if you want, you can share your stories to your friends, or people who you believe. Don't be shy to share, i used to be that person also, like i am so afraid one day they will hate me or mock me. But, yeah.. DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM!! Just do something you love and love something you do. So, they will never laugh at you anymore..

But, yeah... it's up to you!

If you want so LET'S START TO WRITE AND SHARE!!

DAY 36 : CHANGE FOR THE 5-STAR YOU!!

18 November 2015, 11:12 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 36

Sorry for my late update, i just finished my exam, and i scored well, not as expected, because i expect to get a really high score, but, i can see some good improvements thanks to this NoFap challenge.

I really got low scores since i get addicted to pornography, it really decreased my concentration, eventhough my concentration is not increasing well, but at least, there is significant improvement on it. My grade really decreased significantly lately due to porn addiction. I can think this will improve if i keep being consistent and humble throughout these next days. I am still struggling for 100 days NoFap challenge.

Anyway, this module that i already finished the exam is about health system. So, yeah, it really taught me about health system, especially in my country (for some of you who didn't know about me, i am a medical student).

Some of the materials taught me about the definition of the doctor, especially on how the doctor should be, or should act to create a good health care. Listening and reading to these materials made me thinking that to create those good health care or of course, to create lots of benefits on the community i will be working on, I HAVE TO CHANGE MYSELF!!

Seriously at past, that my life is so fucked up, i am not that clever, my score is low, i have less friends, i am somehow easy to be emotional, i can't set things clearly, even my bedroom is not well maintained. I am not that discipline. And, in general, I AM REALLY BAD AND USELESS!!

But, this module and also throughout this NoFap challenge, i think that there is NO BAD AND USELESS person on this lovely planet, there are only good people who weren't treated well by community, that's it!

People were born for some reasons and also people can create benefits to each other.

Honestly, throughout these NoFap challenge, i feel certain changes happened.. I called it as benefit of course, because most of the changes are positive for me. It is of course, great.. But, the change that i mean is not only from how people treated me, but also on how i treated people, and of course how i treated my life. Like determining the vision, targets, or range of changes we wish.

So far, this module that i just learned made me realized that being a medical doctor is not about making big deal of money, being called the most genius person, or whatever.. But, being a medical doctor is about how to help people physically, mentally, or socially, in a holistic way. To do that, i also need to change physically, mentallly, or socially..

I have to admit that NoFap has helped me to change mentally and socially. But, just by hoping from the effect of NoFap is not enough, we really need to change ourself mentally or socially, we need to create some life goals, life visions, or whatever good. So, one day, we can be a great person in the future, and of course if i can change our life goals or visions, it will also assist you to succeed in NoFap.

So, i think, NoFap and life changes are deeply interconnected to each other. Like, NoFap can help me for changes, and changes can help you on NoFap.

So, for me, i have to set a good visions, like i need to be a better doctor, not just better, but also a 5-star doctor. I don't want to be only one-finger doctor, meaning that the doctor that only instructs everyone, like patient, nurse, or other staff. I need to be 5-star doctor, like care provider, decision maker, community leader, communicator, manager. I also need to start learning those 5 things, and apply it to community i am in, or i will be in, someday..

Maybe, you can also create some 5-star yourself, like what you supposed to be in the future, or maybe you can create your 5-star formula for better life in the future.

So, to succeed myself, don't just hope for changes/benefits in NoFap, but also create it by yourself.. Changes that i mean should be a better change for life, not change into the worse of course.

And, one day, you can be the 5-star you!!

DAY 33 : GOOD NEWS AND SPECIAL THANKS!!

15 November 2015 5:38 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 33

I'm planning to put separate 2 posts, which are good news and bad news. First of all, Apologize for my late post, because have to prepare for the exam.

Anyway, i'm just reaching Day 33, and i have 2 sides of news, i mean... GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS! The bad news will be on another post..

I want to start with the Good News first.. YEAH!! I JUST REACHED THE NEW MILESTONE!! DAY 30!! I feel like a great person after reaching 30 days.. This is a really incredible milestone, after facing several challenges, triggers, and urges. I reached the milestone. It's really awesome!

I really want to thank everyone in the Battle Goal community, especially to bro +Albert An and +JakeStrong 112 for having a really incredible hangout. Anyway, this is our first and second hangout session. In case, you don't know about hangout. It's actually a feature by Google, where you can chat with everyone across the world. It's like Skype, but sponsored by Google. You need to have a Google Mail first to join it.

Anyway, these are the hangout videos!

Above, it's the video of my first hangout. Yeah! Mostly about introduction

And, this is our second hangout last week. We talked about several things, about turning addiction into good things. (FACTS : i hold a poster there, it's actually someone who inspired my Day 21 post. Read it here!)

Also, i want to thanks to my bro +andreas van niekkerk for keep reading and waiting for my next blog post. You can reach the good milestone as what i have done today. You are also one of the reason why i keep blogging about my journey.

Anyway, maybe, at Day 34 post, or whatever... I will be planning to open about this blog to my friends that i know.. So, yeah, good luck!!

I have felt lots of great benefits so far. I don't know again what to write..

DAY 29 : I LOVE MYSELF!!

11 November 2015, 1:35 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 29

I wrote this blog in the afternoon, because i'm making this post from the library because of the heavy rain and heavy wind also here. But, yeah. I feel great! Still struggling to beat porn addiction and my phobia of lightning and thunderstorm. I just hope, i can succeed earlier so i will feel much better in the future.

Anyway, right now, i have just reached Day 29 for this NoFap challenge. It is really awesome, because seriously, throughout my 5 years of struggle, I have never reached this milestone and right now i'm reaching it!! I AM SO HAPPY OF MYSELF!!

It really makes me wanna scream "I LOVE MYSELF!!!" and dance like this..

This is actually taken from the song called "i" by Kendrick Lamar. And the gif above is from the music video of it. here is the song if you want to hear.

I really enjoy the whole song, and also the music video. It also makes me dance like an old man. Haha! But, seriously, it's not because of how it sounds, but the lyrics of this song is really inspiring. 

This teaches you about how to love yourself. I remembered when i am still addicted to porn (like masturbating or viewing), i feel really depressed. I really hate myself, i even ask myself like "why should i keep doing this all the time?", or "how can i quit from this?". 

As you know, i got lots of adverse effects from this porn addiction, like being away from my friend, failed in academic or college, failed in having a girlfriend, and feeling really spiritless for sometimes. Not only that, i also feel attached to pornography at that time. Like, when i feel stressed for exam, i started to look at porn and masturbate for 1-2 times. It was often done, and after orgasm, i feel kinda depressed, like why i should do this thing. But, it was done again and again

I also thought that, at that time, i always felt useless, like i didn't know why i lived in this planet,

So, i started to listen this and read throughout the lyrics. This really makes me cry but as always, realized that these conditions happened because i had a lack of self-love. As what Kendrick said on his past lyrics,

"But what love got to do with it when you don't love yourself?"

 from his song, "Real" feat. Anna Wise.

And, i suddenly started to think that if we really want to change everything into positive, being a positive myself. I have to love myself.

I always know that i really have a bad past issue, like porn addiction. And, people will think me as a bad person, or someone crazy, like what my school friend has already thought of me. They even called me a "hypersex" and they laughed at it, because i know, they think it was bad, they even went away from me for being that, and made a stupid joke on me about that thing.

But, after listening to this song, and read the lyrics and its meaning, so, i don't care about it anymore.. Because, yeah.. I LOVE MYSELF!! I am really proud that right now, i am struggling to beat this porn addiction, and i don't care what they say, because as long as i am on the right track and GOD still with me, so, it will be good. And that's WHY I LOVE MYSELF!!

Kendrick also said in the song,

"Everybody lookin at you crazy, what you gonna do?  

Lift up your head and keep moving, or let the paranoia haunt you 

Peace to fashion police i wear my heart 

On my sleeve, let the runway start

You know miserable do love company, what do you want from me and my scars?"

Not only that, having a self-love will also give you confidence. Right now, i am really confident on speaking the truth about me, as what you have already read on this blog. I told you about lots of stuff, my porn addiction, my love story, my phobia, almost everything. It is because I LOVE MYSELF!! Because, at that time, i know how to make people love me. 

Kendrick also said in thie song

"Everybody lack confidence, everybody lack confidence 

How many times my potential was anonymous? 

How many times the city making me promises? 

So, i promise this.. 

I LOVE MYSELF!!"

And right now, i have reached this milestone, almost 30 DAYS!! And, i feel really great after gaining some important benefits, such as easier to talk with girls, getting my memory and focus sharper, and also great vision and spirit for life. And, i am about to be honest to some of my friends about my porn addiction. This really makes me  want to scream



"I LOVE MYSELF!!!"

DAY 28 : WE CAN BE HEROES

10 November 2015. 10:34 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 28

Finally, i just reached Day 28, mathematically, it is equal to 4 weeks. But, yeah.. Still not counted as 1 month then. WHY? But, yeah, i really need to struggle a little more, just 2 days left for 30 DAYS!!!

Anyway, in my country, today is National Heroes' Day. It is done to commemorate the struggle of our heroes to maintain our independence from colonizations by some countries, such as Japan and Netherlands. As you can see, people in my country celebrate the day by typing in social media, such as:

"Happy National Heroes' Day!!" or with some longer words that is exaggerating for me.

But, during this day, i started to ask myself, about the definition of the hero itself. So, i decided to look up on the dictionary, and find those meanings that can be relevant for us:

Hero (n) he.ro

Definition:
1. A person who is admired for their courage, outstanding achievements, and noble qualities
2. A person who is greatly admired for great or brave acts or fine qualities

I think, definition number 1 really defines it. And, i started to ask myself, am i qualified as a hero? Or how can someone be called as a hero?

After several small research, i can conclude myself that we can't call myself as "heroes", because in my opinion, "heroes" are relative subject. You can also see that from the definiton that uses passive meaning, which is that "heroes" is given. It depends on how the person thinks.

Let's take some examples!

Nelson Mandela. He has helped on decreasing apartheid which was a big problem in South Africa. When he died, people hailed him as "national hero". But, i have never heard he called himself as a hero, because he did it with sincerity.

Ir. Soekarno. He is the proclamator or founding father of our country. He managed to make the independence happen in Indonesia, so we can be free from a devastating colonizations that we felt for about 500 years! When he died, people hailed him as "national hero". But he has never seen himself as a hero, because he just wanted to help people.

From these 2 examples, i think, the good quality that we should have to be qualified as a hero is:

1) Have great vision and passion
2) Have great courage
3) Have great and noble attitude
4) Have great sincerity
5) Always help and inspire each other

So, yeah.. As we can see above, heroes are not about having great body images, or great physical abilities. But, we can be called as "heroes" if we have those 5 kind of things at least. So, for now on, please try to have this and try to inspire others by this.

DAY 27 : IT'S TIME TO FACE THE FEAR!!

9 November 2015, 4:30 p.m (GMT+7)

DAY 27 (it's been a really long achievement)

Yeah, actually i just did a hangout session with my bro +JakeStrong 112 and +Albert An, talking about changing addiction to a good way. I mean, turning my addiction from porn into something good. The good thing is, you can see my face! The video is coming soon... really soon...

Okay, in this hangout, i actually asked about if porn can induce phobia. I think, they already provided a great answer, eventhough in the end, there is no psychological corelation between both of them. But, lately, since i get addicted to porn, i just re-developed 2 phobias. I mean, seriously! Not only that, after the hangout session, i also had a chat on Whatsapp with my friend, Andreas from South Africa, talking about facing the fear and of course, phobia.

Let's be honest, i have a phobia or fear on thunderstorms (the easier, let's just say, dark clouds, or in medical word, say it as astraphobia). I really feel afraid of that thing. It's actually kind of relapse. Because, i already had it for about 11 years ago, and already cured after 2 years struggle. And, at this year, i experienced it again. I actually wished this could be cured but, i don't know,  because it's crazy..

The other phobias i just developed is fear of flying in bad weather. You know, last year, there was an AirAsia accident that happpened due to bad weather, like some imbalance due to flying toward dark clouds. Watching the news coverage make me feel afraid everytime i fly. But, i think, i can solve it well by preparing some stuff, like downloading some videos or songs to enjoy during flight.

The bad thing that happened recently is the rainy season is already approaching in my country. As you know, since my country is located in the tropical region, so we only have 2 seasons, dry season and wet season (rainy season). And, the situation in my city makes me really feared of rains, especially if it is heavy and includes thunderstorm.

Not only because it is scary, but also there could be bigger chance to get a blackout. It is really scary, because i have to get through this thunderstorm with no electricity around. I don't feel comfortable. What makes me really scared of thunderstorm is the booming and surprising sound, with some light that comes suddenly. You know, that makes me really shocked and feared also.

My parents even concerned about it, so right now, they asked me to get rid of it. So, since the rainy season has already started in my city, i decided to search for the solution. I found that the first line treatment against my phobia is by making habituation.

Habituation is actually a process of learning, it's like decrease of response after several stimulations. I know that everytime the thunder strikes, i really feel scared, so for now, i decided to get used to it, so one day, i can feel better. Not only that thing, i also need to start realizing that the thunder strikes will not hit you if you are in the safe place. For the blackout part, maybe, i need to start decreasing my usage of Internet or smartphone again, or i need to buy powerbank so i can still preserve some power when the blackout attacks.

Yeah, so right now, it's time to face the fear!! Yeah, because the best way to reduce your fear is by facing it like a warrior!

So, okay, it's about that time to face the fear and fight against it! Because, one day, if you lose, fear will control your life and it will be really bad. People maybe call you a loser for that.

DAY 26 : DEAR PORNSTAR, I STILL LOVE YOU...

8 November 2015 10:50 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 26

Dear Pornstar,

This is me, your not-so-frequent consumer, but already become an addict.

I remembered first, when i was introduced to you for about 5 years ago, it was a really weird introduction, because my friends forced me to it. Of course, i don't directly get addicted to it. I am just like,

"what the hell am i watching?"

But, for why, i started getting addicted to you after several exposures. I forgot the exact time, but, i experienced my very first wet dream due to you. I can't tell the feeling i have after that. And then, i started getting addicted to consume your materials, whether it's videos, photos, or even audios.

I show much love to your materials, eventhough in the end, my friends get decreased and even i didn't perform well in high school. I DON'T CARE! It's like a sacrifice for me, because i just have you as my part of enjoyment.

This is the first time i do that to you, because it seems that you are really great, you love your job, you enjoy everything that you do. I can see that through your face, when i watch your videos, or see some screenshots. I really feel the happiness you share with me, while you are doing some scenes. That makes me think that you can be someone i really want to be in the future.

I mean it! I think, you really have something that maybe every woman in the world should have.

Yeah, as what normal people usually do, when they love someone or something, they always take a look on everything related to that thing. Throughout my 5 years of getting addicted, i just realized some important points. And those makes me cry, i have no idea that you really hide something behind your joy. You really have lots of things to hide from me.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??

I don't know that behind those cameras or screens or scenes, you hide lots of pains. Yeah, a lot.. I have no idea that you hide those things, while we are enjoying them.. 

I just know that you are one step closer for some sexually transmitted diseases, like Chlamydia, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, or even the worst, HIV. 

I just know that behind those scenes, you have possible risks for vaginal tears, anal tears, or even penile fracture that will make you consume lots of painkillers which can be very painful to you due to the possible fracture effects.

I just know that your lifestyle is really bad, consuming alcohol, steroids, or even some of you do implants that can injure your body if not taken safely, or even some stimulant pills (e.g. viagra) to make you sexually active throughout the scenes.

I just know that to create a great body like that, you need to do some stuff which is dangerous to you or even us maybe.

I just know that you really risk yourself to death from those lifestyles, as you know that some of you are death on some complications of drugs, or maybe infections which are untreated.

I just know that behind those cameras, you feel really sad on what you have just done, even some of you committed suicide due to the depression.

I just know that everything you do is almost fake, or everything you provided is not in reality, because one day, we will never experience everything that was screened on your materials.

I just know that lots of good women hate what you did, even in my country, they think you are really bad influences for the teenage girls in my country.

In the end, i just know that you don't love yourself. 

Of course, i am really sad because not only me, lots of people really enjoy your materials, without thinking what actually happened behind the scenes. I still can see some of them enjoying it right now without knowing everything, Even lots of them spend their money just to see you getting hurt more and more.

And i feel really bad, because the more people enjoy it, the more you become famous, and also the more pain you will experience. I can't even imagine what will happen with you in the next future. 

I can't... seriously, i can't..

But, seriously, that's the time where i want to get away from you. And i am doing it now! Because why? 

Because i love you.
I don't want to see you getting hurt anymore during these scenes
I don't want to see you getting stressed anymore
I don't want to see your bad lifestyles
I really want to help people to do good things, and i want to do it to you.

I remembered, one day, my friend told me that porn addiction can lead to losing empathy, and my friend is absolutely right about it. Because, i don't only lose empathy to my friends or anyone i know face-to-face, but also to you. 

WHY THE HELL I LET YOU FEEL THOSE PAINS?
WHY? WHY?

So, right now, i am trying to take steps away for you. Struggle to distance everything related to you. Because so far, that's the best way to love you, and i always hope you still doing good. I always hope you still feel really great and in the end, you can finally get out from the pain, enjoying a new life, and start to love yourself.

Will i be looking at your materials again? I can't say no, because everything that are screened has something related to porn, eventhough images, or videos, even it is soft or not. But, right now, i am just trying to take a different approach when i suddenly see that material again. 

As example, before, i used to say "oh, this is sexy" or "wow! time to get orgasm for this!"
But now, "okay, good thing" or "oh no, i should not be seeing that".

Maybe, my religion see you as a "really bad person", but not for me, i remembered a video saying that "there is no darkness, there is only light, darkness is the absence of the light". The same thing i think about you, you are not a "bad person", you are just not guided well and trapped on this bullshit. I just want to pray everything good for you, and of course, i really pray that one day, you will go away from this pain, and love yourself! That's it!
Not only that, because my religion doesn't teach about hating each other, we are just taught to love each other, that's it!

I also hope that my friend who reads this open letter will also join me in praying for you! So, you will never feel the pain anymore and you will have a greater life! Or maybe, my friend who feel the same way as me will try to get out from you also..

And, last but not least, 
Forgive me for everything i did for you, i am one of those guys who give you lots of sufferings. I have stimulated lots of pains to you by getting addicted to your materials.
Forgive me for contributing any sin for you and myself, because the more i watched, the more sin you will have because of this.
Forgive me for everything i did for these years...
Please.. forgive me...

I can't imagine you crying behind the cameras or maybe, in my home..
I really can't
I am so sad...

Anyway, i am sorry for writing this long letter, in the end, i hope God will love you and show you the way for the better! 

Forgive me for these years and those pains.. Please forgive me!

With love,
Your ex-addict


Note : Thanks to my friend, +Stuart Tutt for inspiring me to write this letter, and also for motivating me to write about my struggle to quit from this porn addiction, i wished i know him before, maybe i can start faster. A big thank you!!

You can see his letter to pornstars through this link below..
Dear Porn Star : Please Forgive Me (by Stuart Lee Tutt)

I also would like to thank my friend +Albert An for this amazing Battle Goal application, and my KIK chat group, for always giving me some great motivations so i can start it out stronger until i reached Day 26. Thanks also to bro Jake, bro Andreas, bro Ali, bro Wut, bro Karvalo, bro Kynan, and many more!

We are all fighting for this together, and we can do this!! We got this!

DAY 25 : I JUST GOT AN ACCIDENT! (+Evaluation)

7 November 2015 4:48 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 25

If you're reading this post, i just got an accident!! Of course, it was bad. Even, it is the worst accident i ever had (i actually had for about 5 accidents in my 20 years of living, 1 of them not as a driver, i hope this will be my last).

For this time, i was a driver of the motorcycle. It was really the worst, because this is the first accident that involved bruises. I got 4 bruises, even my trouser ripped at that time. So, i decided to go to hospital seeking for some medical helps, since they are dirty wounds.

At that time, i started to do some evaluations, why would this happen? Sadly, this is not the first accident i experienced this year, this is the second. And, the funny thing is both of them were related with My NoFap struggle. I mean, seriously. I just think, this is the sign from GOD that my sins related to pornography are already deleted, because from what i have learned,

"Pain will delete your sins"

So, i just hope that my NoFap struggle has been appreciated by GOD, so this will gain me another spirit for life.

Anyway, not only from that, i have to fix myself from this case. I learned that it happened due to lack of concentration. I mean, seriously, it happened because another motorcycle suddenly crossed my motorcycle, and i didn't pay much attention for it. So, yeah, i lost my balance. AND BOOM! I fell and yeah, got some bruises.

I just hope it is gonna be my last accident ever. And, of course, i hope it won't give me relapse, because right now, i have to wear shorts, since i got bruises on my knee.

Yeah, please pray for my fast recovery so i can have good activity next week.

DAY 24 : TRUE LOVE NEVER FAILS

6 November 2015 10:35 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 24 (still strong!)

Yesterday, i just have a chat with my close female friend talking about love, actually we talked not a lot, but i don't know why we suddenly talk about it. She already had a boyfriend though (maybe!). I also talked to her about my "friendzone" case. If you don't understand what i am talking about, check it right here! At that time, she said this.

"Keep running for her until you are tired, true love never fails".

I was just thinking that it's true, but i still think if actually my love to her (someone who i just confessed days ago) is kind of true love or not. I don't know, so i just decided to do some browsing about it.

And, i found a good explanation by a psychologist named Robert Stenberg. He defined that there are about 3 phases of true love.

PHASE 1 : Passion 
This phase is actually kind of physical and sexual attraction. People called it "love at first sight". You started to get attracted on someone, pheromones are around you, chemistry and electricity in your brain started to do some random things, and of course, you really want to have your feelings reciprocated (i mean, will turn out great to him or her)

PHASE 2 : Intimacy
It's actually kind of attachment right here. Like both of you are really close and connected to each other. It really grows by spending time with the person you like. Then it grows deeper by telling about every aspects of life to each other. Yeah, it should start with trust and safety, both of you need to build that condition to reach this phase.

PHASE 3 : Commitment
Commitment in this case is.. like, you want to stay connected no matter what. To reach this phase, we should believe each other, not doing some prejudgment thing. Yeah, to really stay together, we need to break some barriers of being hurt and also resolve some issues together. For some reason, it also can be done by marriage or engagement. This phase really takes some risks, seriously!

Those 3 phases are also elaborated by Sternberg into The Triangular Theory of Love, which already described below by this picture:

which type of love do you actually have?

After reading throughout this article, i just realized that actually my love to her is actually still in Phase 2 (or maybe, Phase 1). Because, i just have passion on her, and quite intimacy also. But, it didn't turn well on the other side. So, it is concluded that my love to her is still not a kind of true love. So, to create that situation, i think, i should make her get committed to me.

Or, if we looked at this Triangle above, my love to her is like between Infatuation to Romantic Love. WOW! Infatuation actually means "falling in love"

But, yeah... Time flows, we don't know which one is best for both of us, maybe i will marry her or someone i don't know, or someone i have never thought. I really don't know, but i am always struggling to gain my "True Love" for the better version of me.

Because yeah, TRUE LOVE NEVER FAILS, like my friend said.

Source : http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/05/24/true-love-how-do-you-know/?all=1

DAY 23 : GETTING FEMALE ATTENTION (yeah!)

5 November 2015 11:18 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 23 (Michael Jordan, yeay!)

As you already read on everything, i just reached week 3 of this NoFap challenge, a.k.a Quitting Porn Addiction! It's really crazy because i have never reached Day 23, the best day so far on this NoFap challenge is just 21 days, and it was like.. 8-9 months ago.

And yeah, i just realized that the benefit kicks me in already! One of them is i just get female attention!! YEAH!! Of course, it doesn't mean i could easily get urges, or do some sexual things, since i still have to keep my virginity until marriage, because it was told by my religion.

But, lately, i just think that i feel really closer to my female friends. An example, some days ago, i just got a gift from my female friend who came back from Malaysia, after helping her on some stuff. It's a chocolate candy, with some good taste variations, like hazelnut, white milk. Not some crazy thing like BeanBoozle (i really want to try it though, haha!)

Here is it actually!

I think, there is no product placement, here.. But, if yes, sorry! Anyway, my mom likes it!

Not only that, i also feel like, lately, it's getting easier for me to have a chat with my female friends. When i was on porn, it's really hard for me to have any contact with them. Even, i feel like, some of them hate me, because i found some of them talking about me on some social media. As i already told you on my latest posts, porn destroys your friendship!!

Even one of people who i know face-to-face that knows about my porn addiction is also A GIRL! She is fine actually about it, because she knows that it's normal for men to get addicted to porn (yeah, but it's not that normal anymore).

The positive effect from this is, i can easily move on from my bad week. I mean, as you know, i just got friendzoned last week, and it's really a bad moment even i almost relapsed thinking about that bullshit. But, seems like the pain will go away faster, and it really helps me to focus on my studies, and getting some good friendship, or maybe a good future wife, haha!

I remembered last year (i mean, 2014), i just got a Valentine present from my female friend, which is actually my friend's girlfriend. I just hope that next year, i will also get Valentine present again (maybe from a girl which is single). Even though i don't believe in Valentine Day, but yeah, gift is a gift!! But, i don't really think about it, because i just want to do good things to the people.

Yeah, this is what i want to say, for those who is still struggling, keep struggling!! Don't peek yourself, find another hobbies, and of course, prevent from possible urge!!

Anyway, i want to give important shoutout to my friend, Jake from Texas (i guess), he is really incredible person, he starts making YouTube videos, talking about his struggle on this NoFap challenge. You can check his latest video here, or you can subscribe to JakeStrong 112. Funny thing is our day right now is close. He is on Day 24, while i am now on Day 23 (i actually moved to Day 24 one hour later)

DAY 22 : JUST A DIARY (1)

4 November 2015 11:46 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 22

I'm sorry for the short update, i am gonna tell about some stuff happening this day, it may be short, because there is no significant thing happened.

First, i woke up nice, and started school at 10 a.m. I also had a test at 2 p.m, THANK GOD it ended well. Actually, since yesterday, i decided to play Ingress again (it's like an adventure game by using real world as a "map", it's great, bro!). It happened because my friends in the college also played it, and luckily they are on the same team as me. So, we can collaborate together then.

And, actually, there is a bad moment this night, where i almost lost my Campus Orientation Certificate. It's really bad because it is needed as a requirement for me to graduate. Yeah, hearing this news, my mother got angry at me, and it really turns my urge on. But, yeah, i managed it like a pro. So, i still keep this struggle continue, day by day. It's already Day 22, and i will reach Day 23.

The crazy thing for today is "I CAN'T SLEEP!!!"

Hope i don't get any urges or relapses then, since i've been working really hard for this.

DAY 21 : LEARNING LIFE FROM SAKURA (CHERRY BLOSSOM)

3 November 2015, 11:25 pm (GMT+7)

Day 21

I finally reached 3 weeks! Wow it's crazy! I just even realized that benefit already kicks me, eventhough i still feel some urge from everywhere. Even 3 hours ago, i just feel urge, but just a smal urge, so i still have to prepare for the another one. YEAH!! ANOTHER ONE!!

2 hours ago, i just received phone call from my father, He told that my grandfather was sick and treated to hospital. THANK GOD, he has already come home safely. The doctor told him that something is wrong with his airway due to his smoking habit (he actually relapsed after 10 years quit smoking and it started 4 months ago), and also there is some kind of heart enlargement. 

My dad also asked to my aunt who treated my granddad, she told me that he has been experiencing lots of bad stuff, like insomnia, hard to urinate (pee) or even defecate (poo). But, sometimes, the incontinence happened, like he can poo or pee somewhere. My aunt also said that when she cleaned his room, she found his clothes are stained with poo. The best thing is she still remain patient for it, yeah, we know, when you are old, you will end up like a baby again, you will need help from everyone in your family. My dad suddenly told me that "it's time for him to die", i mean, it will take no longer time again or him to live. 

All of a sudden, that morning, i read an article about the philosophy of Cherry Blossom, usually called as Sakura in Japan (i like to use the word, because it's shorter). 

It is stated that Sakura is the symbol of the beauty of life, yeah, there is no eternity in our life, there is always an end in every start, whether it's good or bad. Extremely beautiful but quick end. As we already know, it only blossoms in several days, and it will fall down. For your knowledge, in Japan, Sakura will blossom at around January until March, starting from south to north.

look, how beautiful is it? I wish i can see it live in Japan!

But, it's not the only lesson i take from Cherry Blossom. I suddenly remembered one sentence that can also symbolize its definition.

"Anata mo, anata mo, minna no kokoro ni, Sakura Sake!"

It means "You too, You too, in everyone's heart, Sakura Bloom!".

This sentence is taken from a catchphrase (like introduction sentence) by a Japanese female idol named Sakura Miyawaki. She is the member of HKT48 (some of you maybe know about AKB48, it's their franchise, anyway). Ay, here is her photo (don't search on google, you will probably have an urge after that).

look! how beautiful is she?? i wish i can meet her in Japan

I really like this sentence (and the person also), it can give me another definition of Sakura, which is about the word "Bloom". 

It's not a secret anymore that people really want to see Sakura blossoms everywhere live! Taking photos, or maybe taking the leafs, or whatever. Even, people always note when the Sakura will blossom so they can save the date to come to see the beauty of it, yeah, until it falls down again. Because, people really love the beauty of Sakura across Japan.

This sentence can motivate me, while you're still blooming (living), you really need to do everything good and also feel good on everything, so, you can bloom in everyone's heart because of the good thing, you will be remembered for every good thing you did, not the bad thing. People will like you and respect you for that. This sentence is also the reason why i decided to quit porn addiction and do this NoFap challenge, because i really want to life like Sakura! I want to do really good things until it falls.

So, by combining all those meanings. I can conclude that the true lesson i can learn from is

"Sakura represents the beauty of life, it is not forever, but it blossoms in everyone's heart, because it's beautiful and good. 

The same way for our life, live it well and beautifully, so we can always remain in everyone's heart".

If you guys, want to know more about Sakura, or Cherry Blossom.. You can read it here!

Wikipedia about Cherry Blossom
Significance of Cherry Blossom (Huffington Post)
History and Movement of Cherry Blossom

DAY 20 - FINDING THE TRUSTABLE FRIENDS

2 November 2015 8:41 pm (GMT+7)

Day 20 (yeah.. finally!)

Finally, i almost reached Day 20! It's really crazy! Because in several levels, i felt that the urge approaching me has decreased (but still not significant), but for some reasons, i already feel the benefit has kicked in already. It's awesome!

Anyway, yesterday, i just did Google Hangout with my friends who are also struggling from Porn Addiction, you can see our hangout video here!

The bad thing is i just realized until the hangout ended, that my camera is not on, so you guys can't see my handsome face! OH NO! (it's actually okay though, because i am so humble, i'm afraid you guys will feel aroused by my face, just kidding, it's due to technical mistakes, not my camera's inability to resist my handsomeness, but at least, you can hear my sexy voice)

Most of the discussion is about how we all started this NoFap challenge, and the urges, struggles, passions, hobbies and stuff. Most of all, we did introduction since this is really our first Google Hangout, and i really enjoyed it!! We actually did a hangout starting on 11 am New York Time (it's about 11 pm in Indonesia)

Oh yeah, for sure, let me tell you, that we are all met together by one application, which is called Battle Goal (if you guys don't know, PLEASE DOWNLOAD IT on AppStore or Play Store, IT'S FREE!!)

After this hangout, of course, i went to sleep. But, during my struggle to sleep, i just realized that why i am so open with everyone in the hangout about my Porn Addiction, but i still didn't open it to my friends (i mean, friends i have met face-to-face about it). I mean, seriously, there is only one person i told about my Porn Addiction and he really supports my struggle.

Honestly, i already told my Porn Addiction to one person, but i have told to some of my friends who i knew from The Internet (i think, i have told 4 persons from them, one of them is a girl who i have confessed). It's actually because it's hard for me to trust anyone, especially in my campus. Yeah, my campus life is good, but there are some of my friends who is really talkative, even they can't hold any secret and i really hate it!

Yeah! I remembered last year, i told to one of my close friend that i have a crush on someone who we both knew. And, surprisingly, i was told that my crush knew that i fall in love with her, and she knew it from that close friend. What a bullshit, man! And, at that moment, i knew that there is almost anyone that i can trust to tell mysecrets, this is why i tell some of my friends that i know from Internet. 

I think, it's always hard to find trustable friends, but i remembered what my dad told me one day, that 

"if your friend talked about someone's badness to you, there could be any possibility that one day, he/she will talk about your badness to another"

And i always believe that my dad is true, and it really is!!

So, until now, less than 10 of my friends (beside the NoFap members) know about my struggle to quit porn addiction. Because i really trust them, and i think, they won't share it to everyone, or at least, if they shared, it won't give really bad effects on me. Even only 2 people know about the existence of this blog.

But, one day, when the time comes, i will tell to everyone about it. Maybe, after reaching Day 25, Day 30, i don't know. I need to consider every aspects and also risks. But, right now, i still find friends who i really trust, because i can't really hold this alone.. I need someone to support me.

DAY 19 : IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO QUIT

1 November 2015, 10:23 p.m

DAY 19 (FINALLY.. I beat my last record)

Yeah, sorry for not giving you update yesterday.. Haha. i got some problems actually, and also some business, and some procrastinating thing.

It's crazy that for the last 2 days, i've been struggling with urges. Yeah, i just realized that my friend is right, when he said that Day 18-21 could be the one of the toughest. I even almost relapsed. But, actually, "almost relapse" is not the main theme here.

Yeah.. actually, during my porn addiction quit, i have downloaded a countdown application called NoFap Companion (you can call it nF Companion), here is the screenshot of the app

If you look at the below, there is a quote that will motivate you. You can adjust whether the quotes are shown daily, hourly, or whatever.. And, throughout that, there is one quote that really gets my mind. And the quote is :

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” H. Jackson Brown Jr.

When i read this quote first, i suddenly think that is really happening for me. I mean, seriously! I have been struggling to quit from this addiction on 9 months. And, i only decided to be serious about it 19 days later. I mean, i really ask myself why so late. I imagined if i had seriously started about this 9 months ago, i could have gained full recovery, i mean, i could be a better person.

As you already know before, porn really destroys everything for me. 

It destroys your mind, my GPA started to decrease since this porn addiction (i even have gained C from one lesson, it really hurts me, but thanks i have fixed it well)

It destroys your relationship, my friend started to be away from me

It destroys your soul, i started to become angry and undecisive

It destroys your passion, yeah.. i should have done something more productive, but i didn't make it due to my porn consumption

You can read the whole words in this post

I also feel the same way throughout my academic life, yesterday i did a test, and i scored really well. And, i just realized, i scored well because i didn't think much of the test. I used to think too much about any test, and it really hurts me, because sometimes, i scored lower. And, i asked, why didn't i do it throughout my whole test that i've experienced before?

But, yeah.. it's never too late to quit from everything. Because, better late than never. As long as you can do it well and do it better, you will still get any reward. Right now, for those of you who is still struggling to start quit from porn addiction, yeah, JUST QUIT!! Because, one day, you will feel the same as me. You'll ask yourself why hadn't i quit since then?

Yeah.. after you read this post, DON'T YOU EVER THINK ABOUT PORN ANYMORE!!! JUST QUIT IT!!! HERE IS THE SPEECH FOR YOU!!

DAY 17 - FRIENDZONE (again) + Evaluation

29 October 2015 8:54 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 17

Anyway, sorry for not updating yesterday Because of some academic stuff, and not regular sleep time lol. Oh yeah, finally i just reached my Day 17, so i am going for the hardest day of the struggle, as what my friend already told. Day 18-21 will be so hard, even i relapsed at those days often.

Oh yeah, as what the title of this blog already told you, i just confessed my love to a girl! But, yeah, in the very end, i get friendzoned. I don't know what to feel about this, because we know, getting friendzoned is as hurt as being single, because you don't have someone to date or, yeah, bf/gf thing.

But, we should also know, every negative thing also has a positive, even though a little. I had a chat with one of my close friend, and he even said this

"Bro, both of you guys never met each other, so, i also think, if you guys dated, it will be very risky, even it won't last long".

Yeah, friendzone is of course, not a bad thing. But, it will make you sad, like you really hope for something serious, but it didn't happen. Moment of silence for me, then!

BUT, NO NO NO!! I'm not the same as last year, like when i get friendzone, i relapse and look back at porn.

So, at that time, i decided to evaluate myself on what i have to do in the future. Because, failure is the best place to know what we should fix. And, i give you some points and also i took some tips from my friend. Here are things i already found and evaluated!

1. Confession can be a bad thing for you, just act like your girl already said "yes" to you. Like asking for hangout, treat a dinner.
2. Love is not about dating, so keep your desire for a date, just try to be a better man for girl you like.
3. Never expect too much, because the best expectation is no expectation.
4. If you failed, or maybe she didn't like you, GO AWAY!! Find another one! Maybe she may not be a good girl for you, or maybe you should fix something for her.

I actually think there are some points i already left, but yeah.. these are my evaluations, so i am really proud that i got friendzoned today, because, let's look at the bright side, i can encourage myself to be a better man, so, maybe i can marry her, or at least better than her, or we don't know, because GOD decides.

The same thing also happened to you guys, from my story, i just want to let you guys know that GIRLS ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A GOOD MAN.. (NOT HANDSOME), okay?

So, before thinking of dating or whatever, you should look at the mirror again and see whether you already deserved or not.

I will be doing that, and i hope you also do that! Thanks and Cheers for the "Friend"Zone!!!