Day 3
Lately, i really feel unmotivated by what i have done in the past couple of months. I've been struggling to beat my porn addiction. I was always on a short cycle. I remembered that my longest streak is actually about 7 days. I have never reached double digits last month. Even my addiction is going even worse. Nearly, i have spent too much on my parents' salary, just for feeding all my urges.
And then, i also have some emotional chats with my father about where the money have gone. Because, i know, right now, i feel like i was controlled by Evil. I spent money on a bad purpose, and i didn't tell him honestly about where the money have gone. I know, if he knew about the truth, he would probably be mad of me. Right now, i wrote this post while i still try to cry for all the mistakes i have done. Because, let's be honest, i really understand how hard it is for my dad to earn money for my family. I am still a student, and i wasn't allowed by my parents to get a job or earn money. They really want me to focus on education. Eventhough, in my deepest heart, i really want to help them earning money. My mother doesn't work, because she wants to focus on keeping me, eventhough for now, i think, it's not even a good decision. I will tell you later on the next post.
At this time, i decided to make a promise, not only to my parents, but also to myself and GOD, that i will NEVER. EVER. SPEND MY MONEY FOR ANY BAD PURPOSE! I ALSO WILL TRY TO QUIT FROM PORNOGRAPHY FOR A REALLY LONG TIME!
As what some of my mentor has already said, i don't have any specific target for now. I just want to quit as long as i can. And, at least, i want to live a better life, not dealing with porn anymore, as what i have wished in my 21st birthday which is last month.
Not only the fact that PORN really make me feel bad with my parents, but also right now, my chronic PORN addiction also leads me to losing concentration and motivation to write my book about dealing with PORN ADDICTION. I have decided to finish it on September 19, but even until now, i haven't typed any single page on my computer, eventhough i have written the concepts on some random notes.
SO, I DECLARED THAT TODAY IS MY TURNING POINT! I REALLY WANT TO QUIT RIGHT NOW!!
PS : For the next 2 weeks, i will be going on a duty, so i may not be blogging during those times. It also means, i can't write any single page of the book again on my computer. I just hope everything will be alright there, because i heard from friends who has been there that. THE NEXT 2 WEEKS WILL BE REALLY BUSY!
Please pray for me guys!
Praying for you brother. I know what it is like. I did some pretty stupid things during my addiction. And though the things I did were "fun" at the moment it ruined me in so many areas.
ReplyDeleteA full surrender to God, a lot of prayer support from friends and family and a strong desire to walk in integrity is was has kept me from going back to open and those things associated with it.
God bless bro.