Lately, this week i have been doing great, and currently been porn-free for 5 days. Eventhough, i have been free for searching or even consuming any type of porn media. I still try my best to pursue my comeback at writing. Yeah, i still keep my aspiration to be a writer in the future, eventhough i have already published a book discussing about the danger of Pornography from several aspects, like social and also medical. I still even faced several episodes of relapses. I think, my best streak on being porn-free was 10-12 days, i already forgot, but i know it's been a hard time for me to get it back. So, let's just say, i didn't even live up to what i have written before, and to be honest with you, i felt very upset about it. Maybe, i even have forgotten every lines i wrote in that book.
Today, i am working on my new book. This is all about how i reflect through the worst years in my life. As a medical student that currently undergoes a clinical rotation, i really called 2017 as probably one of the worst years, since maybe, 2010. Yeah, as i have counted, last year, i had about 3-4 suicidal thoughts in one year, mostly come from me overthinking of what people said to me before. Yeah, people often call me useless, stupid, and even they compared me to one part of Dumb and Dumber. Not only that, i still recalled until now, when someone in my clinical rotation group said this to me,
"Even if you are the only man in this world, I prefer to be single! I do hate you!"
Thankfully, the person who said this happens to be someone i hate so much that there is one point where i wish that person died from an attempted murder. But, this horrible statement made me reflect a little bit what if everyone actually said this to me, but they seem afraid to say that because that may hurt me, since that time i am too sensitive for even such words or acts toward me.
Last week, i met with someone, a teacher that i havent met for a long time. Yeah, i was about to collect my assignment after some failed examination program with her. She decided to give me an assignment to complete the exam, but it took me a year to finish it. First, because of my anxiety. Most people always know that this person is such a strict and perfectionist, especially during exam. She always have high expectation that when someone hasnt met it. She will fail them for multiple times. It also happened to me. I think if she failed me and encouraged me to do better with a good word and encouragement, i might be okay with it. But, not for her. She always scolds and angers every people and somehow use high intonation when she speaks. And then, i get depressed for it.
Then, here comes the suicidal thoughts. After each meeting, i always cried and felt pessimistic on whether she would pass me or not. I am not a perfect person, and i dont know if being a doctor will be a future for me. Since then, i started to think whether i really should quit or not. So, i decided to postpone my assignment for almost a year, just to figure everything out. I searched for every department and seeked for the answer.
Until, when the time is up and i got to meet that teacher again, she was still the same person, or let's say slightly worse. She scolded me again and right now, she still thought that i havent recovered from my anxiety and depression. So, she brought me for a Neurobehavior Examination. It was found that i had a severe anxiety and severe depression so she asked me to treat them so she really wanted me to be ready when i face her.
All these horrible situations made me reflect again on what i did wrong. What went wrong with me and how. Right now, i also take hypnotherapy session to make myself better because i knew that i had a little confidence for me. Today, i plan to take the second session. My first one was actually good, i felt something inside me better especially when the therapist asked me to give my mind a balance and suddenly, i thought of writing as a process to create the equilibrium inside.
But, before that, i searched some journal on anxiety and depression while i still fought for that also. I mostly found thst the reason mostly comes from family and environment which hasnt been good since i was young. But, i found a study from Case Western Reverse University, it was stated that those who believed they had an addiction to pornography also experienced psychological issues, like depression, anger, and anxiety.
Eventhough there are several confounding factors beside porn consumption, i often heard people who has been struggling to quit their porn addiction also experienced those things. As for me, i didnt think my porn consumption is a risk factor for all the conundrum that happened. I once consulted to a psychiatrist near home, she told me that i actually have a mental problem called "DYSTHYMIA" or often called as "Persistent Depressive Disorder". That was also the reason why it is easy for me to lose focus, to be sensitive and also to overthink everything that happened to me, even something that is really not important. And, i think, Porn is not the main reason i suffered this kind of problem. Porn is like a precipitating factor, yes, it adds things up to my trait that i have developed since i was a kid. Porn makes me more anxious about what my future will hold, Porn makes me lose spirit and motivation t
o do certain types of actions. Porn always blocks every chance i have to do something productive, like releasing some articles or learning new stuffs. It's kind of obvious since somehow, certain people didnt see any side effects on porn, and still do some own stuff. Even, there are some people who watched porn and actually can control their consumption, hunger or urge to watch them more. But, i am not that person. I am so easy to be controlled by everything, by the response, and also by the effect.
Maybe, if i know some more addictive substances, like alcohols, narcotics, or even cigarettes. I could have consumed it also if a friend of mine forced me to try it and gave me several arguments on how you should try it. Like, maybe, alcohol can solve your problem and make you forget all the bad things that happened before, or cigarettes can make you think clearly and more inspired. That's what my uncle said when i asked him why he always smoke cigarettes. And, actually i could have done that also, since the policy regarding cigarette in Indonesia is not as strict as other countries. That's why in some rural areas, you can actually see kids under my age (i will be 23 this year) smoke cigarettes. But, in the end, i got addicted to Pornography which happens to have the same effects as all the substances. Maybe, most of you still figure out how Porn can give you these effects, but to tell you the truth, when your mind is switched on to watch porn everytime you experienced stress or boredom, or everytime when you have a problem, you end up watching porn. It should be a problem, especially when you spend some hours where you must be productive just by watching porn. It must be a problem.
Yeah, it must be a problem.
Starting from today, i am working on to increase my self-confidence. I know that this situation will be tougher than ever, since this is a really great battle i am going to be in. This is all about myself, i know there will be more battles after this, like jobs, financial struggle, or even family. But, right now, to proceed and succeed in life, i need to win this battle. I have gained several assistances from my parents, my family, my close friends, my mentors and teachers to win this battle. But, in the end, i am the one who needs to win it by myself.
To be a man, you got to beat the man.
I know, Porn got the best of me. But, right now, let's beat the best of that porn.
Please, pray for me.
Let's start to write again here! I am going to write about my life battles and reflections, not regularly, but i hope i can inspire you in some kind of way
Farhandika Mursyid
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