TURNING POINT!

24 September 2016, 7:08 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 3

Lately, i really feel unmotivated by what i have done in the past couple of months. I've been struggling to beat my porn addiction. I was always on a short cycle. I remembered that my longest streak is actually about 7 days. I have never reached double digits last month. Even my addiction is going even worse. Nearly, i have spent too much on my parents' salary, just for feeding all my urges.

And then, i also have some emotional chats with my father about where the money have gone. Because, i know, right now, i feel like i was controlled by Evil. I spent money on a bad purpose, and i didn't tell him honestly about where the money have gone. I know, if he knew about the truth, he would probably be mad of me. Right now, i wrote this post while i still try to cry for all the mistakes i have done. Because, let's be honest, i really understand how hard it is for my dad to earn money for my family. I am still a student, and i wasn't allowed by my parents to get a job or earn money. They really want me to focus on education. Eventhough, in my deepest heart, i really want to help them earning money. My mother doesn't work, because she wants to focus on keeping me, eventhough for now, i think, it's not even a good decision. I will tell you later on the next post.

At this time, i decided to make a promise, not only to my parents, but also to myself and GOD, that i will NEVER. EVER. SPEND MY MONEY FOR ANY BAD PURPOSE! I ALSO WILL TRY TO QUIT FROM PORNOGRAPHY FOR A REALLY LONG TIME! 

As what some of my mentor has already said, i don't have any specific target for now. I just want to quit as long as i can. And, at least, i want to live a better life, not dealing with porn anymore, as what i have wished in my 21st birthday which is last month. 

Not only the fact that PORN really make me feel bad with my parents, but also right now, my chronic PORN addiction also leads me to losing concentration and motivation to write my book about dealing with PORN ADDICTION. I have decided to finish it on September 19, but even until now, i haven't typed any single page on my computer, eventhough i have written the concepts on some random notes. 

SO, I DECLARED THAT TODAY IS MY TURNING POINT! I REALLY WANT TO QUIT RIGHT NOW!!

PS : For the next 2 weeks, i will be going on a duty, so i may not be blogging during those times. It also means, i can't write any single page of the book again on my computer. I just hope everything will be alright there, because i heard from friends who has been there that. THE NEXT 2 WEEKS WILL BE REALLY BUSY!

Please pray for me guys!

You're Not Bad. You're Just Not Learning Good

Monday, 1 August 2016. 5:32 p.m (GMT+7)

Good evening, friends. Right now, i have to restart my NoFap journey again. This is my Day 1, because i relapsed yesterday after fighting with lots of urges and withdrawal syndromes (about to write about it later on my next post).

For last several days, i have a problem with my friends surrounding me. It's not that i hate them. I love them. But, the problem is.. i have this feeling of being inferior. It's like, i feel like everyone right now hates me or maybe talks bad things around me. I feel like they don't want to be around me for a reason. I also have suicidal thoughts lately.

In the end, i feel like i am a very bad person for them. Even there is one person talked openly to me that she always puts negative thoughts on me. I think like maybe, she represented what some of them think about me.

I don't know what to do after that words. I tried to talk to everyone else right now. But, i can't. Seems like i have trust issues right now with everyone, even my parents. I also feel like i didn't get much support from everyone right now.

But, thankfully, i still get a few that wants to listen to what my lung wants to scream right now. And, one of them gave me such an amazing solution.

He said this,
"It's okay to make mistakes, it's a learning process. Don't be stressed and don't feel so inferior when you make it. I know some people will take you as a bad person if you don't make a good outcome. But, actually, you are not bad, you are just not prepared for it. So, one day, just be prepared for everything that may happen to you when you do something.

So, learn in a good way. Learn from the mistakes you do."

I feel like this is a really good advice. I still think i haven't learned much from any mistake i have done in the past. So, that's why i keep doing almost the same mistake. I have to decrease the chance for mistake right now, so one day i can be a better person.

And also, i just want to have my own motivation again. I just don't want to feel like inferior to all the friends i know. I also need to learn again from the mistakes i have done in my NoFap journey so i won't relapse again.... and again....

Please pray for me, my friends!

Life Is Unpredictable (Thoughts On Orlando)

13 June 2016, 10:16 p.m (GMT+7)

First of all, as a Muslim, i want to send my deepest condolences to the victims of shooting in a nightclub in Orlando. I also ask for you all the readers not to denounce Muslim as terrorist religion, since we know that the shooter is a Muslim, and the nightclub that get shot is a gay club.

source : heavy.com

To be honest with you, my religion, Islam is really against any form of LGBTQ, but it doesn't mean that we have to mock them, or even end their life. We still need to respect them and pray the GOD for the best situation for them, because GOD can judge them, not US. The same thing we should also do to everyone who hates Muslim and condemn us as terrorists or whatever bad it is.

Just a matter of fact, i don't even get how a Muslim shot these 50 people in a nightclub while all of Muslims are right now on Ramadan month, doing fasting, and losing our desires. And, this guy even decide to kill people. He must be a fake Muslim, because Ramadan is actually used as a test to cleanse ourselves from sins and some bad desires, including sex and pornography from sunrise to sunset. But, we have to apply this also everyday. WHY IS HE DOING THAT??

Anyway, Ramadan Mubarak to all Muslims around the world!

source : assabile.com

Speaking of Orlando, last weekend must be really tough for that city. TWO headlines are coming from the city last weekend and they are all about shooting!. We know about the nightclub shooting that has killed 50+ people took place in the city. But, 1 day before this, another tragic shooting happened quite near from the nightclub. It only took one person's life, but she's not just a person. The victim is a famous YouTuber and musician named Christina Grimmie. She was shot after her concert by someone that just came to Orlando to shoot her. The shooter also died.

source : rt.com

Most of you might know her from The Voice, yeah she ranked 3rd there and get some mentoring from Adam Levine (Maroon 5 vocalist). But, i have personally known her even before she auditioned for The Voice. She often uploads her covering some pop songs on YouTube. My first introduction to her was about 5 years ago when she did a song by Nelly called "Just A Dream", and i was impressed by her voice and also her look. She is so beautiful, and you can even see that beauty from the inside. She has a really great smile, and seems so down-to-earth.

"Now if you ever love somebody, put your hands up, and now they're gone and now you wish you could give them everything"
Now, this part is really sad. Never cry like this in every celebrity's death. It's almost the same as my grandfather's death 7 months ago.

I kinda want to say she has turned into a celebrity crush for me (anyway, i really have lots of celebrity crushes). Yeah, i had a really big crush on her. It is crazy because i used to listen to her songs, download her YouTube videos, even posted her lyrics on my social media accounts. So crazy moments, even i shared her videos to some of my friends. I think that she introduced me to the good side of YouTube (yeah, right now, we have seen lots of stupid stuff on YouTube). Anyway, i also found out that i even made a fan video about her.

Believe me. That's my video. I made it 4 years ago. I was 16 years old and so maniac about her at that time. Right now, i already changed my laptop and also i don't use anyone as new my wallpaper. I just used a random screenshot from my favorite music video by Kendrick Lamar called "Alright".

Oh My God! I really wrote about her so much i even forgot to tell the main thing about this post. Her death was a shocking news not only to her fans, but also to lots of her friends, fellow YouTubers, or even musicians. Lots of celebrities shared their condolences and even tributed her in their own performances, such as Charlie Puth, Miranda Lambert, Fifth Harmony, Meghan Trainor, Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber. WOW! I think, for all the celebrity death reports in 2016, this may be the worst i have ever read, since lots of deaths were due to some chronic diseases. 

From all the 2 incidents above, i learned a really important thing that

"LIFE IS UNPREDICTABLE, WE KNOW THE STARTING POINT BUT WE DON'T KNOW THE END"

If i can ask to them now, or maybe in the past, they choose not to die like this. But, GOD made a different decisions for them. We may get angry, regretful, or even sad, but it already happened. And maybe while reading this, we may ask

"How if these things happen to you?"

So, by this post, i just want to remind you guys, and also for myself that while we are still living in this world, we need to spread lots of love to each other. Spread some positivity, do lots of positive things, enjoy the struggle and work hard. And if you still have mistakes toward people, just ask for apologize and also, forgive everyone for their mistakes they have done to you.

"You only get one shot, do not miss your chance and blow
Cause the opportunity comes once in a lifetime"Eminem - Lose Yourself

To end this post, i just want to say

Rest In Peace to 50+ people that get murdered in Orlando nightclub, and
Rest In Peace to my old time celebrity crush, Christina Victoria Grimmie.

Words Does Hurt

25 May 2016, 7;48 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 0

So, while finding some writing inspirations on Facebook, i found this awesome post about words from my writing friend.

Here is the post --> Words

Let me tell you before, i am not a Christian, but i can really relate on this post, and i really remembered an unsatisfactory experience (we do know, experience is the best teacher) because maybe several weeks ago (i forgot the exact date, i just want to forget it anyway), i have a problem with someone, just because of using a naughty words. I know i used it as a joke, but the reaction seems not. And, i did it to a girl that i had a crush on. DAMN! Let's say her name is Linda (not a real name).

And that moment happened when i relapsed on this Porn Addiction.

Yeah, actually, there is a random post sharing a picture of a cute and beautiful female artist. And i saw Linda commenting like this, "OOH MY GIRL!", like a form of admiration. And then, you all know, i just get messed up that day, so i commented with an explicit word (it's really bad that i feel really regretful if i have to rewind that moment again, the word starts with the letter L, the second one is E). I actually used that word as a joke.

But, yup, that joke went too far. She really hated me, i know maybe she felt bad, she even started posting some series of tweets aiming at me, like saying

"YOU MAY BE GENIUS, BUT IF YOU HAVE BAD ATTITUDE, YOU ARE NOTHING"
(i actually forgot what she tweeted actually, she just locked her twitter account, so i don't have access anymore by the time i wrote this)

Yeah, i already make her hate me right now. Maybe, i think, if i could met her at that time, she could probably feel really heartbroken and just getting enraged at me. Or, maybe, she might throw some heavy objects or maybe sharp objects wishing to see me dead.

The worse thing is i almost think of calling her a "B-word" or "S-word" (you know, word that starts with a letter B and S that is really inappropriate if you say to every women in the world. EXCEPT, if you are working in industries related to sex or pornography)

I already felt bad about myself after that. I could have said something better, but i just did something really really wrong. Our relationship is really over, she blocked me on social media, and maybe right now, she started to take me as a really bad person. Even when i did something good right now, she might stereotype me as a bad one. 

We all know, people can forgive but people will never forget, as long as they still have brains. They are always connected to every significant memories they have.

I also lost some of my friends due to WORDS.

WORDS ARE REALLY SHARP. YUP, REAL SHARP!

This event really proved that Words are even harder than Swords right now. So, let's just start with all positive words right now. If you are still on social media, think before you post. People have different approach on your words. Maybe, they are fine with your joke, but not all. Some of them may take it seriously, and report to the police for violating the rules. In Indonesia, post that has a mocking tone could probably end up in a jail. 

THERE ARE LOTS OF CASES ABOUT BEING PRISONED DUE TO A SOCIAL MEDIA POST. I MEAN IT, A LOT!

YEAH, Words are really like Swords. It is good if you use it in a good way, like cutting something. But, it can harm everyone even yourself if you use it vice versa. 

Use your empathy

Tongue does have no bone, it's an Indonesian famous proverb. It's not gonna be useful or harmful by itself, you are the one who decides it.

GOOD EVENING EVERYONE!

ABOUT TO START YOUTUBE!

18 March 2016, 8:46 p.m (GMT+7)

So, lately, i've been getting bored all the time, yeah, my academic session actually just ended, but i have to wait for a test that will be done on middle of April, and the test is actually a remediation of one test that i failed, it's actually a skill test though, so i just need to learn about the procedure, and practice it and yeah, still getting bored.

Lately, i've been trying myself to do some writings but i ended up getting writer's block, eventhough in the last 2 weeks, i just made a buzz by making my 2 writings about hip-hop become "HEADLINE ARTICLE" in a larger site, called Kompasiana. It's actually a blogging site, free for everyone to access and write in that site. And, seriously, i made 2 HEADLINES!! My writings have become discussion from everyone inside Indonesian hip-hop scene. Even after those writings, my Facebook just got more friend requests from rappers or at least, some hip-hop fans. It's good for me but sometimes, it kinda gives me more pressure to write something better. So, i started to do a review writings for some hip-hop songs that newly drop. I need to increase my ability in hip-hop, since people right now think that i am already "mastering" in hip-hop, but honestly, i have never dropped anything related to hip-hop. Songs, Lyrics, Beats, or whatever the components..

Yeah, as you know that boredom and stress gave you more urges, so 2-3 days ago, i just relapsed due to my disability to handle that. Since that relapse, i started to get my writer's block BACK!! I really don't know what to write or at least, how to start my writing, it's bad!!

And right now, i just think of anything else to motivate me on staying productive! AND YEAH!! I JUST GOT AN IDEA.. I WILL START MAKING YOUTUBE VIDEOS, or at least, VLOGS!! I will be sharing what my YouTube channel is about.

So, wait for it, folks!

5/100 : ME ON VALENTINE'S DAY

14 February 2015, 8:30 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 5 of 100

So, today is 14 February! AND, TODAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY!!

YEAAAY!! YEAAY!! YEE........... (i am still single, :"""""( *cries)

Anyway, in my lovely country, there has been some controversies against Valentine's Day. Since, the majority of us are Muslim, and most people who celebrates Valentine's Day are Christian, or i think, it has something related with Christianity, i don't know actually, just feel free to correct me.

Even there is a movement called "I Am Muslim and I Say No To Valentine", which i think it's really bullshit and against the tolerance. As you know, Indonesia is a country which has lots of ethnics, races, and of course, cultures, and religions. We actually have 6 religions which are accepted by our government. And, of course, we live together in tolerance as we are already taught by our ideology.

Of course, i don't celebrate Valentine's Day, i am not against it, but i just think it doesn't make sense to celebrate it, one of the reason is because i am still single (i am not dating any girl, eventhough i almost, but yeah. ALMOST IS NEVER ENOUGH!!)

Let me give the better explanation, also from my own perspective.

Mostly, on Valentine's Day, people state their love and give some presents, mostly chocolate, flowers, or some pink objects. I just think that if people celebrate Valentine's Day just to give those things, i think, why should we wait for Valentine's Day, while we can even give them everyday? or at least we can just give them whenever you want!

You can even state your love to someone whenever you want, because LOVE IS A RACE!

So, one more time, i am not against Valentine's Day, but i am not going to celebrate Valentine's Day like what most people do, eventhough i remembered 2 years ago, i got a chocolate from a girl (she has dated with friend, though)

Happy Valentine's Day
Everyday the 14th!!

Anyway, Valentine's Day can also lead to some possible sexual relationships, just don't do unsafe sex, or at least, don't even visit porn if you are single!!

4/100 : GAINING SOME WEIGHTS! (+Evaluation

13 February 2016, 8:28 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 4

So, basically, i just want to do some food delivery today, and i just realized that i've been so much food lately these days. It even makes me feel some kind of way.. I mean, bad!

Yeah,  i feel really afraid on my body image, because i don't want to get fatter because it is just dangerous for our health (you know, i am right now in obese image, and i want to get off that image, because obesity can lead you to some metabolic diseases)

So, i decided to check on my body weight, and EXACTLY!! I JUST GAINED SOME WEIGHTS!! My weight just increased for about 2 kgs, it is like 4 pounds or something. And of course, i feel bad about it!

I don't feel bad because i hate being fat people, but i just hate being unhealthy people. If i check on my BMI (body mass index), right now, i am in obese status, which has more risks to get some metabolic diseases, like diabetes, stroke, heart attack, or maybe CANCER! You all know that cancer is a really dangerous disease that can kill anyone! I already wrote this on my last posts (i guess)

Anyway, right now, i decided to evaluate on why i gained some weights!

First, i eat lots of snacks! And also eat lots of foods, i didn't eat healthy foods, i just ate some junk foods

Second, i seldom take physical activity, or maybe with less intensity

Third, i don't check my weight frequently (i used to check it everyday, but today, i even forgot to check it)

Anyway, tomorrow, i will be joining a seminar about how to get healthy, i just hope it will motivate me to be a better in life, and also to have 24 hours of better life!!

I am just thinking maybe i should get some laxatives or something, so i might probably go for some anorexia nervosa. But, yeah, i just want to look healthy! THAT'S IT!!

4/100 : THE TRUTH ABOUT ISLAM

13 February 2016, 8:41 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 4

Finally, i have reached Day 4, and it's really crazy, i've got so many urges, but i can overcome it well. Right now, i finally have one of my good friends who will be joining my NoFap struggle and it's always good that we can support each other for better life.

Anyway, i haven't written for a really long time, because i really lack of inspiration, and also some concentrations to write, though. It's crazy, because i haven't felt any urge to write some stuff, and i just read about the Beyonce's Superbowl Performance that just got lots of controversies, like it was talking about Black Panther or something, about the Black Lives Matter movement, or something. I think, it came first from a young female anchor named Tomi Lahren, while criticizing Beyonce's performance as.. a protest against police, it's just a protest against police brutality, which is somehow crazy and i can also relate to this, since some of police officers in my country are also acting like they can't do.

You know, some of them just want money and promotion, or maybe.... women, it's not a secret anymore though, because in my country, there are lots of police officers do that thing (i just hope it will be decreasing).

Anyway, i am not in a good position to talk about that, but when i searched about Tomi Lahren on YouTube, i also found an interview of her with Pamela Geffer, that is commonly known as an "Islamophobia" or maybe, in the better way, we can say it as "a person who is against Jihadism", where they finally agree to combat Jihadism on what have some "Muslims" done in America (it even leads to Donald Trump's statement to ban any Muslim immigrants to enter USA, which doesn't make any sense) and also they also agree on combating Radical Islam.

(there is a YouTube video of the interview, and all the comments toward it are just bullshiting our religion)

So, i decided to visit Pamela Geller's blog about Muslim and i saw how biased her posts are about Muslim, most of them are relating about terrorism and some violence Muslims do to force them to convert to Muslim, and the bad thing is she wrote her posts under the tag "The Truth About Islam"

Okay, here is the truth about Islam!

First of all, Islam if you check for the etiological meaning, it is from the word "Salam", it means Peace. So, yeah, Islam itself means Peace. So, why are people bragging about Islam?

Because Islam supports terrorism? Islam forces people to convert to it? Islam promotes Violence? Islam is weird?? Islam has some radicals? Islam is not tolerant?

Friends, don't believe on some media says about Islam! We are actually a good people and we are taught to be it. We are against terrorism, we are against violence. Some of the people who did the violence, or we just say that as an extremist, or maybe radicals, they are not really learning our religion well. They just took some verses from the Qur'an, and yeah, they just took it, they don't learn deeper about the message contained on that verses.

Let's talk about ISIS! People really hate them, and so do we! ISIS is just a mockery for our religion. And, you just said that they are killing Non-Muslims? YOU ARE TOTALLY WRONG? They even killed lots of Muslim people in some Muslim countries, like Syria, or Palestine, or even my country! Really.. They just bombed one of our places a month ago.

Here is the link!
ISIS claims responsibility for Jakarta gun and bomb attacks (January 2016)
or maybe this video!

And Islam also promotes tolerance! REALLY!! People are currently protesting on Islam as the most increasing religion in the world. But, i just think, because people also have a good time on knowing the message of Islam. It's not because they are forced to be a Muslim. We don't force them! If there is someone forcing you, i suggest you not to follow him. Because, for me, that person is not actually a real Muslim, he/she already got sins, for not respecting other religion.

Basically, it means that there is no forces to convert to Islam, really. Even, our Holy Qur'an told about that (you can ask me for the proof if you want). We are just told to spread the value of Islam in a good and peaceful way, not by committing violence or bombing. Because, we see all people not from their religions, we only see them from their characters, or maybe their looks (just kidding!), but as long as you are a good and respectful person, you are good for us! We are not going to bomb you or shoot you.

So, basically, that's the simple truth about Islam. I just hoped Islamophobia don't exist again in every country, especially in USA (since i heard Ben Carson and Donald Trump have negative thoughts on Islam, it means we are afraid of what will happen this year if both of them become president of USA, and how the relationship will go within USA and my country), or France, or Australia, or everywhere. 

So, as a Muslim, i want to ask for forgiveness for everything ISIS or some "radical Muslims" do to your country! They are actually a big mockery and false representative for us, they just take verses from Holy Qur'an and don't digest it well. We are Religion of Peace..

I see all of you guys based on your character, not your religion or what you believed in. I hope you see the same from me.

Feel free to contact me through Twitter, and Facebook, i will try to answer it the best, or you can just search about it if you want :)

God Bless You, guys! And have a great time!

PS : This is a video on what some people say about Islam, most of them are good statements... 

0/100 : NEW FORMAT!

10 February 2016, 1:30 p.m (GMT+7)

0/100

If you're reading this, i just relapsed several hours ago, this is my Day 1 anyway.. still struggling for it, but, i also found another new tactics to beat this Porn Addiction, it's crazy, because after that relapse, i can't really get back up from the "pain" of relapse.

I really want to succeed during the struggle, so far, my best record was 45 days. There are lots of urges coming at me, and i can't really let it go.

But, as i told you earlier, i just got another new tactics. I will tell you in the next post, that will be coming hours later! or maybe, minutes later! Because right now, i am sitting inside internet cafe.. and getting my inspiration on.

LET'S DO THIS!!!

Anyway, i changed my format, because i want to target for 100 days! Pray for me!

DAY 5 : LEARNING FROM CREED

8 February 2016, 7:52 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 5

Lately, i've been feeling a little bit of unmotivated to write something. I finally got my motivation on. I used to find some inspirations from some movies, or maybe videos, not only news of course.

And, yesterday, i just finished watching a good movie, it's titled Creed. If some of you didn't know, it's actually kind of a spinoff from a famous boxing movie, Rocky. The storyline is taken several years later, i think, in the Rocky IV, it was found that Rocky's long-time mentor and rival, Apollo Creed died after some terrible boxing accidents, he was beaten fatally by Ivan Drago on an exhibition match (Damn!)

Several years later, it was found out that Apollo Creed has a biological son, named Adonis. He also had a good talent in boxing while before working in a good company. Adonis decided to quit the job and pursue his talent in boxing, continuing his biological father's legacy. He also met Rocky (also starred by Sylvester Stallone) and asked whether he could train for Rocky, and he accepted it knowing that Adonis is his mentor's son.

After several training and exercises, Adonis finally had a chance to join the boxing match, and he won the match, and caught people's attention, especially about his relationship with Apollo Creed. It also caught the attention from the World Champion, "Pretty" Ricky Conlan, it finally ended in the championship match between both of them. The media and people already underestimated Adonis, thinking that he is just a spitting image of his father, and also a mistake, since he also hadn't met his father.. all his life

The underestimation also continued during the awaited match, people predicted that Adonis will last less than 12 rounds, or get knocked out by Conlan. This is where the good thing happens, Adonis really struggled so much, trained harder and harder to win. At that match, Adonis traded lots of punches with Conlan, and the spectators started to give respect for Adonis. And in the 11th round, Adonis fell after receiving heavy punch from Conlan, but, it didn't turn out well for the Champion because Adonis decided not to give up, and even he still wanted to continue for 12th round and said this

"I just want to prove them that i'm not a mistake"

These words are so good, it even made Rocky saluted him so much, even gave him some motivations to fight against his cancer.

So, the last round is still on, and it is a BIG SURPRISE!! By all the hard work, finally he made Conlan fell down! But, Conlan still stood up and he declared the winner and still remained his championship belt.

Yeah, Ricky Conlan wins the fight, but really, Adonis Creed wins the night for not giving up and still doing his best and making a really sensational performance! Adonis even got saluted by Conlan for his incredible performance

This movie teaches us that during every struggle, we don't need to give up easily from many obstacles. We should face it, in the best way we can, whatever we lose or we win, they will appreciate what you've done and maybe, they salute you.

I also will use this message during my NoFap struggle, because i think, for this effort, i may have lots of obstacles, or we can just say as "urges". I got so many urges  on my 5 days struggle, i still make my best to overcome it. The urges may be getting bigger and bigger, so did Adonis, he will see bigger obstacles after that.

I really like this movie, i think it should have been nominated for Oscars 2016 (you know, the nominations are so controversial, #OscarsSoWhite), it is also a really good spinoff for Rocky. I also found out that the man who played Ricky Conlan in this movie is also a professional boxer, lol!

But, yeah, watch this movie and get motivated, for 24 hours of better life!

DAY 2 : MY NEW FUTURE DREAM

5 February 2016, 8;54 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 2

Hello guys! I'm about to pass my second day of free PMO! Lately, i have been feeling lots of urges today. I really can't get over it, it's even hard for me to take a nap today, but THANKS GOD!! I managed to save from my heavy urge. So, yeah, the struggle is still on!

Anyway, right now, i started to use this blog and maybe, my other blog (it's in Indonesian, though) to deliver my message on porn addiction, because i think, i just find my new future dream, which is to be a writer! I really want to share my experience on overcoming porn addiction, my friend suggested me to use my writing for some bigger media. I just actually registered myself as a writer in Fight The New Drug, you can visit them here, i hope i got accepted  to write for that site.

I also decided to start writing for my Indonesian blog, and also in Indonesian language, because i think that, to start making influences, you need to really start from the small thing, yeah, i mean, start from my country, or maybe my city. Because, i know, there are lots of porn addicts out there in my country, as we can see eventhough the access to pornography sites is blocked, they can still access porn from so many ways. Even we can still access porn sites on Internet cafe, or even there are some twitter accounts to share some sexy model photos, or share some adult video links.

And, not only that, in my university, there is also a graduation paper discussing about the study case of people who watches Japan Adult Video (JAV), that porn genre is actually kind of big in my country, since we also like Japan culture (i just like the music and drama, though, but i still want to go there).

I also wish one day i will start creating an organization to inform Indonesian people about the danger of porn addiction, i know it will gain some attacks from some man's magazines (anyway, we have lots, but most are distributed on the Internet), yeah, because we know that porn is right now a new drug, there is no specific place or room for porn addict to rehabilitate in my country, and i want to be the first one to make it.. I wish one day.

Amen.

DAY 1 : DISEASE ALSO COMES FROM THE SOUL!!!

4 February 2016, 6:50 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 1

Let's just say, i haven't completely finished my Day 1 yet. But, yeah, i just want to put this as my Day 1 post though, since i just think, I WILL FINISH MY DAY 1. I feel really optimistic on it, i just re-download my application i used when i reached 45 DAY STREAK!!

Anyway, today, i decided to read a book i bought for about 1-2 months ago (i guess), it's actually called "99 Inspirasi Petang untuk Setiap Muslim", or you can just translate it as "99 Evening Inspiration for A Muslim", but actually, it's not only for Muslim, i think, some other religions can use the message from these books as well, because i think, we can get the message logically.

One of the pages i read is about the disease and how it relates with our soul, i am also writing this to commemorate World Cancer Day. Since Cancer has become a really dangerous disease for everyone, and people are really afraid to get that. There are lots of famous people who died after battling with cancer, like Steve Jobs, or more recently, the legendary musician, David Bowie. We also know that cancer is actually caused by something might be wrong with our immune system.

It's not even something new anymore that there are some medical complaints that are mainly caused by our psychologic condition, this is called as "psychosomatic disease", like joint pain, muscle cramps, abdominal cramps, or even hypertension, or headache. Even the doctor in my country can't access them well, it kinda sucks, because psychosomatic disease is actually the most disease that is often consulted in our primary health care (note for me!)

Anyway, what is the relation with our soul and cancer?

Let's be real honest. Some medical researches have shown a correlation within our soul condition and immune system. When we get angry, our immune system might be depressed, so that's why we can easily catch some diseases just because we get angry or maybe we get depressed over something. or maybe even if we have bad characters, such as being apathic, negative thinking, or always feel lonely. This can possibly lead you to some chronic diseases, like diabetes, heart disease, hepatitis, or even cancer. So, yeah, keep your feeling and thinking positive!!

And of course, i can really relate this to my NoFap struggle, because porn addiction can sometimes cause you stress (especially after you relapsed), feel guilty, apathic, negative thinking, easily sensitive. It also can decrease your immune system as well, so i can just say that porn addiction can indirectly lead you to cancer. I say it, INDIRECT!!! NOT DIRECT!!!

So, yeah, watch out! Maintain your soul condition, not only your physical condition, because disease can also come from the soul, not just the body!!

Have a good struggle and let's fight together for the 24 hours of better life!!

DAY 0 : A BIG REVEAL!

4 February 2016, 10:26 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 0. Anyway, i just relapsed (again). and as what i have promised before, i decided to reveal about my addiction. But, anyway, i didn't reveal it on my Facebook, i decided to reveal that on Twitter instead, i still reveal on Facebook, but, by private message to some of my best friends.

"I SWEAR TO GOD...I WILL NEVER RELAPSE ANYMORE!!! TODAY WILL BE MY LAST RELAPSE!!
IF I RELAPSE, I WILL TELL OPENLY ABOUT MY PORN ADDICTION ON FACEBOOK!!"

You can read my post here, but it's in Indonesian..

I still have kind of traumatic feeling, because of what just happened several years ago, when i asked my friend for help to quit my porn addiction. I told it to some of them, but unfortunately, it was spread throughout the school, and some of my friends called me "hypersex".

But, for right now, i revealed it for several reasons. One of them is i am not afraid right now for whatever risks it may take! I know, some people will probably hate me because i have this kind of addiction, but for me, i don't really care that much. Because, i know, it's better to be hated for telling the truth rather than to be loved for telling the lies. Sometimes, we know that truth may hurt you, but it's just a temporary pain, as long as i still struggle and thrive for my best, i will get out of it, and they even start to forget it.

Right now, i decided to start writing again in the last format i used to have when i reached 45 days of quitting. I know, it will be a really long and strong journey, but i know, one day, i will have my biggest smile if i succeed, i can see the possible advantage. I also feel sick today, so i guess, GOD has already deleted my sins, or let's just say, it's kind of a punishment to what i have done in the past, so i just want to see the bright side.

I also installed applications that i always use during my NoFap struggle, because i know, it's gonna worth in the end. I decided to do counting days again because i think it's the best method for me.

LET'S START AGAIN FROM DAY 0!!

YOU. ARE. NOT. THE. FATHER!!

27 January 2016, 5:40 p.m (GMT+7)

This morning, i browsed on some YouTube videos (yeah, i really have no activity for several months, so that's why i decided to blog again), and i found a video that has become such a meme thing, yeah. It's actually from a quite controversial reality show, maybe some of you who lives in USA know this or some who has been living under the rock (i mean, the World of Internet). The reality show is called Maury, and it has two segments that really caught my attention. Yeah, it caught my attention of how bad our young generations are right now, i am not talking about USA, i am talking about the worldwide.

One of them is the paternity test, it was most famous for the catchphrase, "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!', it was also famous for some people reacting to that phrase, like these!

They of course do the DNA test just to make sure whether the baby that is being in the episode is the man's son or not. By this episode, i can also see that the sexual life of people in USA is really crazy, like how hard is it to find someone in USA who is still a virgin. Not like in my country, if you are not a virgin, you must be someone bad (yeah, i mean losing virginity before marriage), because our norm tells us that we have to keep virginity before marriage. (right now, same also from my country)

One of the causes of how free sex is a normal thing in some countries is the exposure to pornography. Of course, to perform such a sexual intercourse, we need to know the example, i am talking about the media to show you how to do it. Yeah, the only way is by pornography media, whether it is video, photo, or audio. We also know that pornography consumption in the worldwide is so.. goddamn.. crazy.. You can also see in the PornHub statistics in 2015 that at least every person on Earth viewed about 12 videos, or let's say every second, there is about 6,700 visits from Earth (of course!)

GODDAMN! So much people viewed porn right now, or they don't even realize they have been doing wrong everyday. You know that some sites are paid based on their number of visits. Imagine how much money PornHub can get just from one day!!

DAMN!! TOO MUCH MONEY FOR THEM!!

It kinda makes me scared that right now porn sites has similar amount of visits as social media or maybe search engine..

Yeah, back to this Maury thing. I was always shocked by the fact that there are lots of women coming to the show, bringing her children, and finding their biological father, even some of the guests don't suggest or admit having sex with one man, more than one! Crazy on how easy they can have sex.

I am just hoping one day that free sex in this planet will decrease, or let's just say, more abstinence to the people. I will tell you later about it..

Of course, if i was appointed to that program, Mr. Maury will always say "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!", since i am still a virgin. I only get addicted to porn media, not to the sexual intercourse (eventhough i also wished for it).

I just hope i can keep my virginity until my marriage.
I hope..

TAKING DRIVING LESSONS..

28 January 2016, 11:29 a.m (GMT+7)

Good afternoon folks from Indonesia! Anyway, i am just having a good day, while i find out, i just got a good mark from my previous courses!! YEAAAY!!

Yeah, still need to wait for the other courses, so i could probably get my GPA >3.5, which means i will graduate with cum laude. Anyway, right now, i don't have classes anymore, because i already finished my academic process. I am supposed to have a graduation ceremony on May. But, i need to wait for my clinical rotation, i mean, the date, or whether i am qualified to join the First Phase of Clinical Rotation. If i passed, i will join it on March. Looking forward to them!

To fulfill my spare time, right now, i am taking some lessons, like writing lessons (like i supposed to do), and also.. DRIVING LESSONS!! Yeah! I just bought a car, or let's say, i was bought a car by my parents, yeah, it's good, because i need to have a car for my Clinical Rotation, since i will be going everywhere, so i need some good vehicles. I used to ride my motorcycle, but i can't use it for long-distance importance.

Actually, the last time i took driving lesson was about 1,5 year ago. And, i decided to take again since i need to be able to drive my new car, it's still fresh outta garage, though. Anyway, this is my second day, i supposed to take driving lessons for about 1 week for now. So, i can bring my own car real quick, of course, maybe with some errors (let's just say, minor accidents, but let's make it to zero).

During the lesson, my instructor told me that the importance when it comes to driving is the calmness and concentration. Those are my biggest weakness in life, i can't keep calm, and also i can't concentrate well, that's why during my several struggle to beat my porn addiction, i experienced so many relapses. I really can't concentrate well also, that also blocks me to post something on my blog (i supposed to write something 2 days ago, but it wasn't released even, my bad). I just hope i can master my driving skills and also master my concentration skills.

Concentration and calmness are also needed for me as a medical students (or let's just say doctor wannabe). we need a really good concentration while handling some medical cases that needed a really accurate approach, and also calmness to make us remain professional to the patient's family. I just hope that these courses will indirectly help me to increase my concentration and calmness skills.

So, right now, let's advance for my better life, then!!

LET'S BE HONEST ABOUT ME..

26 January 2016, 16:31 (GMT+7)

Okay... so, recently, about several minutes ago.. I just relapsed.. So, since i made an "oath" or i can say a promise, like you can see before.. Okay, so i will share it on the next post..

Sorry!

IT'S BETTER THIS WAY

Friday, 22 January 2016

8 : 09 p.m (GMT + 7)

Today, i just finished my first day of re-struggling for this NoFap.. yeah, i mean, getting rid of my porn addiction. It was a really tough day, the urge is getting stronger. It is really hard because after successfully become abstinence for 45 days, i experienced so many relapses. Even in the first month, i relapsed 3 times.

Yeah, it is really bad for me since right now, i am targeting to have my 95% days of 2016 without porn, so far i relapsed 3 times, it means i have 3 days of porn. It is kind of bad start because we didnt finish first month f 2016 and i have been exposed to porn for 3 days. i started to get pessimistic on my target.

But, it is still the first month of 2016, there are still 11 months left, so, i still need to struggle more on my target, and for that, i checked on how i succeeded to reach 45 days free porn. And i think that i succeeded because of my writing habit. At that time, i used to write everything i feel, i experienced, i read, or whatever comes to my mind. I also shared this to some of my accountable friends, i always participate in NoFap-related group even join the YouTube hangout (i wish i still have it).

By doing those activities, i feel more triggered to do positive things, more than when i used to relapse 2 months ago. When i relapsed on addiction, i was too lazy to do activities, like writing, i didn't even write ahy single blog at all, while experimenting on another way to NoFap, and.. i failed..

Yeah, i think, writing is still the best way for me to succeed again in NoFap, and also to reach better life..
And right now i am back writing stuff, because for me... it's better this way..

NEW MORNING! NEW STRUGGLE!

Thursday, 21 January 2016

05:19 a.m (GMT+7)

Good morning folks. I just woke up after large hours of sleep. Lately, i feel so depressed after failing one of my exam. At least, i failed a chance to get a cumlaude. It also made me relapse yesterday. And it made me more... depressed..

It took me about hours to cure from my depression. I even had a small fight with my mother, and i just found out that the curse is BACK!! I mean, like, 1 year ago, if i relapsed my addiction, i will have a small fight with my mom, the fight is not related with my porn addiction. It can come from any source, maybe my laziness, or my stupid acts, or whatever. My mom will get angered at me. Lately, i didn't feel the curse on my latest relapses. But, now, i feel it again!!

So, last night, i chatted on one WHATSAPP group with this,

"I SWEAR TO GOD...

I WILL NEVER RELAPSE ANYMORE!!! TODAY WILL BE MY LAST RELAPSE!!

IF I RELAPSE, I WILL TELL OPENLY ABOUT MY PORN ADDICTION ON FACEBOOK!!"

Thank GOD they are supporting my acts, so i feel really great eventhough my depression didn't go as expected. So, i decided to take lots of sleep, since i heard from a proverb saying that "pillows will solve your problems".

And right now, it's already in the morning, i started again my struggle to beat my porn addiction. I decided to write again, so i can express what i feel and i hope i can still inspire lots of people to quit my porn addiction..

About the revealing, i have a plan to do it after one month of success. Please pray for me!

NEW MORNING, NEW STRUGGLE!!

GOD, I SHOULD HAVE ASKED MORE FROM YOU...

Wednesday, 20 January 2016,

10:44 a.m (GMT +7)

I just finished three of my five big examinations. And, right now, i just finished my third big exam. It's just remediations, i mean.. a test to repair my bad mark. I did well on my 2 exams before, but my third one didn't work well.

Let's just say... I failed to increase my mark..

And the bad news for me is after doing some calculations, i am about to fail to reach my target, right before i entered university, i have a target to reach GPA > 3.5 (out of 4 of course), that's also the requirement to reach cum laude. I really want to make my parents proud, or everything. Even if i succeeded on the rest 2 of my exams, i still can't save my mark. So, i feel really bad for it.

But, yeah, at least, i am still proud of myself because i worked really hard, but after doing some reflections, i realized that i didn't include GOD in my activities. I mean, like.. I didn't include GOD more in this. Just a little, because i am sure i can do it. That's why i didn't score good on the third exam.

GOD, forgive me for the bullshit i have done so far.. I should have asked more from you...

SOCIAL MEDIA IS SOMETIMES.... CRAZY

8 January 2016, 08:26 p.m (GMT+7)

If you're reading this, maybe i want to express some rage, or some concerns, i am sorry if maybe, some of you guys will feel irritated or... whatever..

I know, right now, i am on my Day 8 of this NoFap challenge, and for some reasons, when you are on the first week, you started to get some kind of sensitive or anger from some sources you may not predict.

Yeah, folks.. You know, i have been on social media or a really long time, like almost half my age.. my first encounter on social media is on Friendster, i started to be active on Friendster since 2008, and right now, i have joined lots of social media, let's say Twitter (you may know from this blog that i have twitter), Facebook, Instagram, kik, Line, Whatsapp, etc.

But, the funny thing about my social media life is i have lots of friends on social media comparing to my real life, like that's why for some reasons, i love spending time on social media, chatting with my friends who i have never seen. So, for some reasons also, you may never know about your friends' characters, or maybe face languages or even voice tones (somehow it also determines your personality), since it's just full of chats, texts, or maybe... emoticons

So, here is the story why i feel irritated on social media!

2 days ago, i just replied my close friend's tweet, on that tweet he said,

"Do you really know that my celebrity crush will have his birthday 202 days later?"

I jokingly replied,

"I don't care"

I think, my friend know about my tweeting style, since we used to have chats on twitter or maybe on some messengers and i used the same style, like even when i joked around my close friend, i sometimes forgot to add "hehe" or "lol" or some happy emoticons when i joke.

example : "I don't care... hehe", you know... i just want to make my tweet more effective.. lol

And, minutes later, he subliminally dissed me on his next tweets (i mean threw a shot at me on twitter), and the bad thing is his friend also responded by throwing another shots at me. I mean, like.. seriously??

Reading his tweet made me kind of shocked, i mean, like.. If you think, i did something wrong to you via twitter, just send me a private message, and ask for clarification. You can't just conclude something easily and you tweeted some shots at me, dissing me like that.

So, after that, we decided to chat each other just for the clarification, i started the chat though, so i just want to make everything clear, before we started a fight, just because a stupid tweet. And, he said that he felt really irritated just because of my response to his tweet. So, yeah, we decided to apologize each other, but honestly, i already lose my respect on him, or maybe, let's just say, my respect towards him has decreased after that tragedy.

From this lesson, i just found out that people have different approaches when it comes to social media.

There is the one who always posts everything around him/her, like feelings, or maybe about activities
There is also the one who posts without mentioning everyone (i hate this guy, sometimes i used to do it)
There is also the one who posts some meaningful stuff, like opinions, or maybe facts

And, on social media, we can't know whether the person is joking or not, we don't know the characteristic of each other, we don't know also about how the person really looks like in the real life. As you know, there are lots of person who got cheated on social media. So, i think, from now on, be careful when you post something on social media, so you won't feel the same experience as me. Right now, i am still thinking about that event that i started to dislike him as person.

Yeah, you know, social media is sometimes.... crazy
Just decrease your time there, and focus on something productive

WELCOME 2016 : REFLECTION AND RESOLUTION

1 January 2016, 0:03 p.m (GMT+7)

FINALLY.. WE ALREADY REACHED 2016!!

I think, some people on social media will post like this..
"First .... in 2016"  for those who has already celebrated New Years, like my country

or maybe "Last .... in 2015" for those who is still on 2015. Anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016!

Maybe, some of you, readers are preparing for lots of stuff in the New Years' Eve, but we didn't celebrate it here, eventhough around my house, there are lots of fireworks.. But, we really don't care about New Year, i think, it should not be celebrated that much, like going on festival or some noisy places, or screaming "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!"

Because, every new thing, or new milestone, or whatever, contained two things, which are REFLECTION AND RESOLUTION

REFLECTION is yeah, we have to look back on what we already have done in 2015, whether it's good or bad. We have to take notes on every significant thing, so we can learn.

I think, 2015 had good and bad memories in me.

The good thing is i started this blog, get lots of positive feedbacks about this blog, finished my thesis, almost had a girlfriend, So, yeah, let's remember good things behind..

While, the bad thing is i got low grades often, relapsed often, anyway, i relapsed on the last day of 2015, so yeah, today is not the Day 1 of 2016, and also Day 1 of my new NoFap cycle.. 

So, from these mistakes, i think, the only way for me to succeed in this NoFap struggle is by getting busy, this is why i realized i need to manage my blog again, it's been a really long time not blogging. So, i am deciding myself to come back! But, not only i will blog here, i will also write on some sites, and maybe, make YouTube videos about everything..

Anyway, if you realized something, i also changed my blog title, because i just want to be better day by day, not just quitting this Pornography addiction. So, maybe, i can just give you some motivational quotes or lesson i can take from everything. My YouTube channels will also be titled the same, but due to some busy activities, maybe, my YouTube videos will only have low quality videos, but.. yeah, it is not about the quality, but it's about the message inside the video, so i don't really care that much.

Okay, so after taking notes and reflection on what we just experienced in 2015, here comes the RESOLUTION! Yeah!! We are talking about targets we hope to achieven in 2016. We can put high target, but yeah, let's make our wish real. Note what you really want to achieve in 2016, you don't need to put high target, just put some small significant targets and work hard for it!!

So, of course, i personally have RESOLUTION FOR 2016! Here are mine!

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION 2016 (so far)

1. I want to make this year as a 95-100% NoFap year, it means that i want to make about 95-100% of days in 2016 as a NoFap, it means that i won't do something related to this PMO thing, i mean Porn, Masturbation, and Orgasm

2. I want to graduate this year and also advance to the next phase of my college, which is CLINICAL ROTATION. I want to at least, know about some diseases i will face in the primary care setting, and also i want to succeed in all exams i will face in 2016.

3. I am targeting for 100 posts in every blogs i managed, including this blog, my personal blog, and the sites i am planning to contribute (it's in Indonesian, anyway, but i will write somehting on English)

4. I am targeting for 30-40 YouTube videos on my channel, anyway, maybe this year, i am planning to buy a new laptop, since my laptop right now quite damaged.. hehe, so maybe i can do editing and stuff.

5. I am planning to write a book about health, or maybe, about my struggle to beat pornography..

So far, these are my resolutions, still got more to come maybe, after thinking.. I just wake up after preparing for an exam, actually still need to face some more exams on this month. So, please PRAY FOR ME!!

THAT'S IT FROM ME!!'

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016 and MAY 2016 BE WITH US!!

Amin..