DAY 4 : Almost relapse

14 March 2018, 12:38 a.m (GMT+7)

It’s been two days I haven’t given any update on this blog. Now, I’m writing this during my first night shift in the inpatient unit. Thankfully, the patients are in stable condition so they can sleep without any complaints. And, the coffee starts working so I am still fully awake now.

Now, I am actually doing fine, still surviving from relapses. Although, several hours ago, I experienced a crazy urge because of me staying for a long time at home. But, due to the slow wi-fi connection in my home, I decided to divert my attention by learning about several diseases and also drugs that I should prescribe for certain diseases.

Yeah, yesterday have been quite a mess. So, that was my first day working in an outpatient clinic in the same hospital. And, many patients came in. That time, I kinda felt confused since I am still not used with the workflow there. Unlike inpatient unit, the outpatient one is about speed and accuracy in decision-making. I have to check patients for their disease history and do an effective examination. Unlike the inpatient one, while I have to consult several specialists for a better treatment decision.

So, after my outpatient shift ends, I started to regret for my unpreparedness. I decided to go outside to a café near my house, drinking a lemon tea, and eat with my friend who worked in a different hospital. There, we talked a lot about our activities and how we approach some diseases. Yeah, we both are still fresh doctors, we still are not introduced to the clinical jobs. So, sometimes, we are confused of some administrative stuffs, like the availability of drugs that we want to prescribe, or even the flowchart of services. Eventhough, we have our orientation process, but, somehow, we always forget.

It also leads to that urge. Loneliness, regret, and boredom. Those three combinations happened in the morning when I woke up. I didn’t want to do anything else that time. Just to stay in bed, and play some games. So, by that, I started thinking about a sentence I used to say as an encouragement to not relapse.

“I AM ONE PORN AWAY FROM TROUBLE.”

Yeah. After several thinking, I realized that everytime I relapsed on porn, I had a hard time socializing. I felt easily irritated by stuff, lost some confidence, and many negativity happened after that. That time, I realized I don’t want to relapse anymore.

I know, it’s still a long way for me to start becoming a better person. But, I need to try something new again. Maybe, reading some interesting stuff, or training some skills. I’ll figure it out later. Now, I am just happy I am still on the streak.

DAY 1 : First day of work

11 March 2019, 05:14 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 1

This is my first workplace. Pray for me!

This is it. My first day of work. After 6 years of struggle in medical school, alongside pain,

procrastination and suicidal thoughts, i managed to get my Medical Doctor (MD.) degree. And now, i finally got a job in a hospital. In my country, new medical doctors need to have a one-year period of internship to get a practice licence. It can be in everywhere in my country as long as it has an agreement with the Department of Health. Today, i am assigned to work in the In-Patient Unit. While, before that, i got to do some orientations in the hospital i am assigned to.

Anyway, in this hospital, i kinda feel really alone. Not, because of how i think about my new friends. But, it’s a really new place for me. I am now working in Gresik, a city that is famous for their industries, there are really tons of industries here, while cement and fertilizer being the most famous ones. I really experience new cultures, places that i have never been before, and no one from my college that works in the same place as me, so it gave me a really new experience.

And, before my job, my anxiety and depression started to attack me again. Like, how it used to

happen. I feel easily irritated by some jokes aimed at me. It’s like several months ago, where people tried to match me with someone i actually don’t like. Not that i hate her, but, she’s just not my type. So, that kind of words kinda hurt me and i actually overthink about it. It also leads to my porn addiction relapse, which actually aggravates my mental illness. I was diagnosed with dysthymia since 2017 by a psychiatrist near my home, which is a low-grade (high-functional) depression, but it is really persistent.

So, after several considerations, i decided to talk it out with some of my old friends. My high school friends, and my college friends, about what i feel about my new friends at first. And then, i started to realize that it is me that needs some changing. I need to change how i should react to some jokes aimed at me, not being oversensitive about it. Changing my coping approach and just take it as a joke. Laugh it off, and let it go. As my friend said before,

“Never take it personally. I’ve seen one of my friend who did that. And, it turns catastrophic.”

He also said about how he was like that before. But, he changed his coping approach by suppressing it and take it as a humor. Which is, according to the books that i read, is a mature mechanism.

And then, another friend came at me and say that i need to remember my intention to come here. I remember how i said to her that the reason why i decided to move from Jogja is because i want to change myself. Eventhough, Jogjakarta, the city where i learned to be a doctor, has given me much memories. But, i had a really bad past there, as how my porn addiction exacerbates again and again, there. I don’t want to look at that again. I want to change. And, as i looked up about Gresik, my new home. It is a religious town, known for their Islamic background, while still maintaining their traditional roots. So, i feel like this city can facilitate me to get closer to GOD while finding my purpose of life. I want to get myself involved in so many activities here, so i can move on from this addiction and try to be a better person here.

Yeah, so, i think, i need to focus on my intention. Becoming a better person. Getting myself closer to GOD. Loving myself more. For a better life ahead.

And, for that, I will restart this diary writing habit for multiple days. Re-forming the habit that i have left before. Hope i can continue this constantly. And, pray for me to accomplish that!