DAY 4 : Almost relapse

14 March 2018, 12:38 a.m (GMT+7)

It’s been two days I haven’t given any update on this blog. Now, I’m writing this during my first night shift in the inpatient unit. Thankfully, the patients are in stable condition so they can sleep without any complaints. And, the coffee starts working so I am still fully awake now.

Now, I am actually doing fine, still surviving from relapses. Although, several hours ago, I experienced a crazy urge because of me staying for a long time at home. But, due to the slow wi-fi connection in my home, I decided to divert my attention by learning about several diseases and also drugs that I should prescribe for certain diseases.

Yeah, yesterday have been quite a mess. So, that was my first day working in an outpatient clinic in the same hospital. And, many patients came in. That time, I kinda felt confused since I am still not used with the workflow there. Unlike inpatient unit, the outpatient one is about speed and accuracy in decision-making. I have to check patients for their disease history and do an effective examination. Unlike the inpatient one, while I have to consult several specialists for a better treatment decision.

So, after my outpatient shift ends, I started to regret for my unpreparedness. I decided to go outside to a café near my house, drinking a lemon tea, and eat with my friend who worked in a different hospital. There, we talked a lot about our activities and how we approach some diseases. Yeah, we both are still fresh doctors, we still are not introduced to the clinical jobs. So, sometimes, we are confused of some administrative stuffs, like the availability of drugs that we want to prescribe, or even the flowchart of services. Eventhough, we have our orientation process, but, somehow, we always forget.

It also leads to that urge. Loneliness, regret, and boredom. Those three combinations happened in the morning when I woke up. I didn’t want to do anything else that time. Just to stay in bed, and play some games. So, by that, I started thinking about a sentence I used to say as an encouragement to not relapse.

“I AM ONE PORN AWAY FROM TROUBLE.”

Yeah. After several thinking, I realized that everytime I relapsed on porn, I had a hard time socializing. I felt easily irritated by stuff, lost some confidence, and many negativity happened after that. That time, I realized I don’t want to relapse anymore.

I know, it’s still a long way for me to start becoming a better person. But, I need to try something new again. Maybe, reading some interesting stuff, or training some skills. I’ll figure it out later. Now, I am just happy I am still on the streak.

0/100 : NEW FORMAT!

10 February 2016, 1:30 p.m (GMT+7)

0/100

If you're reading this, i just relapsed several hours ago, this is my Day 1 anyway.. still struggling for it, but, i also found another new tactics to beat this Porn Addiction, it's crazy, because after that relapse, i can't really get back up from the "pain" of relapse.

I really want to succeed during the struggle, so far, my best record was 45 days. There are lots of urges coming at me, and i can't really let it go.

But, as i told you earlier, i just got another new tactics. I will tell you in the next post, that will be coming hours later! or maybe, minutes later! Because right now, i am sitting inside internet cafe.. and getting my inspiration on.

LET'S DO THIS!!!

Anyway, i changed my format, because i want to target for 100 days! Pray for me!

DAY 0 : A BIG REVEAL!

4 February 2016, 10:26 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 0. Anyway, i just relapsed (again). and as what i have promised before, i decided to reveal about my addiction. But, anyway, i didn't reveal it on my Facebook, i decided to reveal that on Twitter instead, i still reveal on Facebook, but, by private message to some of my best friends.

"I SWEAR TO GOD...I WILL NEVER RELAPSE ANYMORE!!! TODAY WILL BE MY LAST RELAPSE!!
IF I RELAPSE, I WILL TELL OPENLY ABOUT MY PORN ADDICTION ON FACEBOOK!!"

You can read my post here, but it's in Indonesian..

I still have kind of traumatic feeling, because of what just happened several years ago, when i asked my friend for help to quit my porn addiction. I told it to some of them, but unfortunately, it was spread throughout the school, and some of my friends called me "hypersex".

But, for right now, i revealed it for several reasons. One of them is i am not afraid right now for whatever risks it may take! I know, some people will probably hate me because i have this kind of addiction, but for me, i don't really care that much. Because, i know, it's better to be hated for telling the truth rather than to be loved for telling the lies. Sometimes, we know that truth may hurt you, but it's just a temporary pain, as long as i still struggle and thrive for my best, i will get out of it, and they even start to forget it.

Right now, i decided to start writing again in the last format i used to have when i reached 45 days of quitting. I know, it will be a really long and strong journey, but i know, one day, i will have my biggest smile if i succeed, i can see the possible advantage. I also feel sick today, so i guess, GOD has already deleted my sins, or let's just say, it's kind of a punishment to what i have done in the past, so i just want to see the bright side.

I also installed applications that i always use during my NoFap struggle, because i know, it's gonna worth in the end. I decided to do counting days again because i think it's the best method for me.

LET'S START AGAIN FROM DAY 0!!

NEW MORNING! NEW STRUGGLE!

Thursday, 21 January 2016

05:19 a.m (GMT+7)

Good morning folks. I just woke up after large hours of sleep. Lately, i feel so depressed after failing one of my exam. At least, i failed a chance to get a cumlaude. It also made me relapse yesterday. And it made me more... depressed..

It took me about hours to cure from my depression. I even had a small fight with my mother, and i just found out that the curse is BACK!! I mean, like, 1 year ago, if i relapsed my addiction, i will have a small fight with my mom, the fight is not related with my porn addiction. It can come from any source, maybe my laziness, or my stupid acts, or whatever. My mom will get angered at me. Lately, i didn't feel the curse on my latest relapses. But, now, i feel it again!!

So, last night, i chatted on one WHATSAPP group with this,

"I SWEAR TO GOD...

I WILL NEVER RELAPSE ANYMORE!!! TODAY WILL BE MY LAST RELAPSE!!

IF I RELAPSE, I WILL TELL OPENLY ABOUT MY PORN ADDICTION ON FACEBOOK!!"

Thank GOD they are supporting my acts, so i feel really great eventhough my depression didn't go as expected. So, i decided to take lots of sleep, since i heard from a proverb saying that "pillows will solve your problems".

And right now, it's already in the morning, i started again my struggle to beat my porn addiction. I decided to write again, so i can express what i feel and i hope i can still inspire lots of people to quit my porn addiction..

About the revealing, i have a plan to do it after one month of success. Please pray for me!

NEW MORNING, NEW STRUGGLE!!

DAY 40 : THIRD CHALLENGE... REDUCE BODY FAT!! (+ announcement)

22 November 2015 9:14 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 40

GOD!! I HAVE REACHED DAY 40!!! YES!!! This is going further and further.. So, right now, i decided to do something, which is.. starting from tomorrow, my format post is not talking about days anymore.. Because, i think, NoFap is not about counting days, it's about how to set goals for better life in the future.. And, i have been getting some benefits, so, the only thing i want to do is keep going, while thinking about what to do in the future.

Anyway, during this 40 days, i have so much urge, tomorrow, my holiday ended. So, i am about to do some activities again in college. Yeah!! But, not only during 30 days, i also eat more and more.. i didn't do any single workout again, yeah since my motorcycle accident. I often do jogging, it's not actually jogging, i just jog to make me able to play Ingress, lol!! (anyway, if you don't know about Ingress, go google it!!). But, it is really bad that during those days, i started to gain some weights.. It's crazy!

So, i decided to do another challenge, yeah, it's my third challenge, which is to reduce body fat. I am right now targeting for 2 weeks challenge. I just watched a video on how to reduce body fats, and it was stated that you have to do workout early in the morning with full stomach for about 20-30 minutes. I kinda think it's good, since i will be really busy in the afternoon, and also during the rainy season, rain usually falls in the afternoon or maybe night.

I think, doing workout may also be good on assisting me throughout this NoFap challenge, because when you get sweaty, you will feel sexy.. I mean, i don't know, i feel like, the sweat goes out from my body and bringing some sexual urges. It's really great. So, i decided to do it, i am about to update you guys about my 2 week challenge..

But, yeah, all i am really afraid of is also about the consistency. Sometimes, i always be full with assignments and lectures, so maybe i can prepare and learn it at night before. So, i can stay focused on my challenge.

Yeah, i decided to do 2 WEEK CHALLENGE OF BODY FAT REDUCTION!! I WILL UPDATE THE RESULT TO YOU!!

DAY 39 : AMMUNITION FOR RAINY SEASON

21 November 2015, 9:47 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 39

Good evening from Indonesia, folks!! It's Saturday, and still having holiday after exam. And, yeah, somehow feel lonely and bored that i have to struggle with some triggers and urges that may happen during these days..

Anyway, i just came back from shopping for about 5 hours ago, and on the way there, i had to meet rains with thunderstorms again. Maybe, some of you may have known that i had some fears of rainy season. I might think it's kind of phobia.. It's kind of relapsed phobia, because that was cured for about 8-9 years ago, and it hit me again this year, like last February.. So, right now, i feel really scared of any rain that happen.

My fear will increase also, because i just read the news that my city will suffer from La Nina, it's like the compensation effect of El Nino. El Nino itself is the prolonged duration of summer, or let's say, dry season.. Yeah, rain supposed to come on October, but, for this year, rainy season started in the middle of November. And, according to meteorologist, La Nina will reach my city in December, La Nina is like the cooling, so there will be increased rainfall, with quick winds and also, thunderstorms!

After exploring about my fear of rainy season, i concluded that there are 3 reasons why i am afraid of rainy season, which are thunderstorm sound, the lightning, and blackout! Yeah, my city often experience blackout if there is heavy rain with thunderstorms and quick winds. For those of you who doesn't know, blackout is a condition where you don't have any electricity at your house, or maybe your neighbourhood.

Okay, so, of course, i have to face my fear, as what my friends had suggested me, because the only way to cure yourself from the fear is by facing it! So, let me show you my ammunition for rainy season!!

1. For the thunderstorm sound and lightning, i applied a method called "desensitization", it is like, exposing yourself to material that can trigger your fear. So, for this method, i searched some YouTube videos related to those two, like compilation or whatever. Even, i watched the documentary of lightning, so i have to know how to save myself from lightning. Yeah, although we have overcome the fear, it doesn't mean, we don't need to stay away from it. It may danger yours, eventhough 90% of people who get struck will survive. But, yeah, to prevent is better than to cure, right?

So far, what i got from these method is, when the thunderstorm comes, stay inside. It will make you safer. But, yeah, i have to prepare at least for the lightning part, because it really makes me scared.. Maybe, for the thunderstorm sound, i can use headphones while raining, and listen to some music or maybe radio if i feel bored.

Not only that, so far, during the rainy season in my country, the thunderstorm and lightning are not that big, but yeah, still need to prepare. And also, from the videos i have watched so far, the great lightning hits some rural areas, yeah.. i live in the urban areas, so it may be fine for me, i hope so..

2. For the blackout, i have to do something which is not boring for me. Because, mostly, i used to live with some electronics, like computer and smartphone, or even WiFi connection. For now, i have bought lots of books, yeah.. medical books, religion books, motivation books, or even puzzle!! I also will buy some emergency lamp if in case, the blackout happens at night. So, i can learn or read something during the blackout. I also need to buy a powerbank to maintain the battery of my smartphone, in case, the blackout happens for a long time. Yeah, these rarely happens so far, but i still need to prepare for it.

3. I also need to start on doing cognitive therapy and relaxation therapy. Right now, i will find some meditation videos or controlled breathing methods, so when the rain comes, i try to remain calm and also realize that i am right now in safer place, so you will never experience thunder strikes.

I think, by applying these 3 methods, it will make me to survive during the forthcoming rainy season. Right now, my city is in the transition phase, yeah from dry season to rainy season. So, it's also a good time to prepare for the rainy season. Because, generally, rainy season is really great. You can feel calm by the sound of rain. I hope, i can also.. Amen..