DAY 1 : First day of work

11 March 2019, 05:14 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 1

This is my first workplace. Pray for me!

This is it. My first day of work. After 6 years of struggle in medical school, alongside pain,

procrastination and suicidal thoughts, i managed to get my Medical Doctor (MD.) degree. And now, i finally got a job in a hospital. In my country, new medical doctors need to have a one-year period of internship to get a practice licence. It can be in everywhere in my country as long as it has an agreement with the Department of Health. Today, i am assigned to work in the In-Patient Unit. While, before that, i got to do some orientations in the hospital i am assigned to.

Anyway, in this hospital, i kinda feel really alone. Not, because of how i think about my new friends. But, it’s a really new place for me. I am now working in Gresik, a city that is famous for their industries, there are really tons of industries here, while cement and fertilizer being the most famous ones. I really experience new cultures, places that i have never been before, and no one from my college that works in the same place as me, so it gave me a really new experience.

And, before my job, my anxiety and depression started to attack me again. Like, how it used to

happen. I feel easily irritated by some jokes aimed at me. It’s like several months ago, where people tried to match me with someone i actually don’t like. Not that i hate her, but, she’s just not my type. So, that kind of words kinda hurt me and i actually overthink about it. It also leads to my porn addiction relapse, which actually aggravates my mental illness. I was diagnosed with dysthymia since 2017 by a psychiatrist near my home, which is a low-grade (high-functional) depression, but it is really persistent.

So, after several considerations, i decided to talk it out with some of my old friends. My high school friends, and my college friends, about what i feel about my new friends at first. And then, i started to realize that it is me that needs some changing. I need to change how i should react to some jokes aimed at me, not being oversensitive about it. Changing my coping approach and just take it as a joke. Laugh it off, and let it go. As my friend said before,

“Never take it personally. I’ve seen one of my friend who did that. And, it turns catastrophic.”

He also said about how he was like that before. But, he changed his coping approach by suppressing it and take it as a humor. Which is, according to the books that i read, is a mature mechanism.

And then, another friend came at me and say that i need to remember my intention to come here. I remember how i said to her that the reason why i decided to move from Jogja is because i want to change myself. Eventhough, Jogjakarta, the city where i learned to be a doctor, has given me much memories. But, i had a really bad past there, as how my porn addiction exacerbates again and again, there. I don’t want to look at that again. I want to change. And, as i looked up about Gresik, my new home. It is a religious town, known for their Islamic background, while still maintaining their traditional roots. So, i feel like this city can facilitate me to get closer to GOD while finding my purpose of life. I want to get myself involved in so many activities here, so i can move on from this addiction and try to be a better person here.

Yeah, so, i think, i need to focus on my intention. Becoming a better person. Getting myself closer to GOD. Loving myself more. For a better life ahead.

And, for that, I will restart this diary writing habit for multiple days. Re-forming the habit that i have left before. Hope i can continue this constantly. And, pray for me to accomplish that!

YOU. ARE. NOT. THE. FATHER!!

27 January 2016, 5:40 p.m (GMT+7)

This morning, i browsed on some YouTube videos (yeah, i really have no activity for several months, so that's why i decided to blog again), and i found a video that has become such a meme thing, yeah. It's actually from a quite controversial reality show, maybe some of you who lives in USA know this or some who has been living under the rock (i mean, the World of Internet). The reality show is called Maury, and it has two segments that really caught my attention. Yeah, it caught my attention of how bad our young generations are right now, i am not talking about USA, i am talking about the worldwide.

One of them is the paternity test, it was most famous for the catchphrase, "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!', it was also famous for some people reacting to that phrase, like these!

They of course do the DNA test just to make sure whether the baby that is being in the episode is the man's son or not. By this episode, i can also see that the sexual life of people in USA is really crazy, like how hard is it to find someone in USA who is still a virgin. Not like in my country, if you are not a virgin, you must be someone bad (yeah, i mean losing virginity before marriage), because our norm tells us that we have to keep virginity before marriage. (right now, same also from my country)

One of the causes of how free sex is a normal thing in some countries is the exposure to pornography. Of course, to perform such a sexual intercourse, we need to know the example, i am talking about the media to show you how to do it. Yeah, the only way is by pornography media, whether it is video, photo, or audio. We also know that pornography consumption in the worldwide is so.. goddamn.. crazy.. You can also see in the PornHub statistics in 2015 that at least every person on Earth viewed about 12 videos, or let's say every second, there is about 6,700 visits from Earth (of course!)

GODDAMN! So much people viewed porn right now, or they don't even realize they have been doing wrong everyday. You know that some sites are paid based on their number of visits. Imagine how much money PornHub can get just from one day!!

DAMN!! TOO MUCH MONEY FOR THEM!!

It kinda makes me scared that right now porn sites has similar amount of visits as social media or maybe search engine..

Yeah, back to this Maury thing. I was always shocked by the fact that there are lots of women coming to the show, bringing her children, and finding their biological father, even some of the guests don't suggest or admit having sex with one man, more than one! Crazy on how easy they can have sex.

I am just hoping one day that free sex in this planet will decrease, or let's just say, more abstinence to the people. I will tell you later about it..

Of course, if i was appointed to that program, Mr. Maury will always say "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!", since i am still a virgin. I only get addicted to porn media, not to the sexual intercourse (eventhough i also wished for it).

I just hope i can keep my virginity until my marriage.
I hope..

DAY 39 : AMMUNITION FOR RAINY SEASON

21 November 2015, 9:47 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 39

Good evening from Indonesia, folks!! It's Saturday, and still having holiday after exam. And, yeah, somehow feel lonely and bored that i have to struggle with some triggers and urges that may happen during these days..

Anyway, i just came back from shopping for about 5 hours ago, and on the way there, i had to meet rains with thunderstorms again. Maybe, some of you may have known that i had some fears of rainy season. I might think it's kind of phobia.. It's kind of relapsed phobia, because that was cured for about 8-9 years ago, and it hit me again this year, like last February.. So, right now, i feel really scared of any rain that happen.

My fear will increase also, because i just read the news that my city will suffer from La Nina, it's like the compensation effect of El Nino. El Nino itself is the prolonged duration of summer, or let's say, dry season.. Yeah, rain supposed to come on October, but, for this year, rainy season started in the middle of November. And, according to meteorologist, La Nina will reach my city in December, La Nina is like the cooling, so there will be increased rainfall, with quick winds and also, thunderstorms!

After exploring about my fear of rainy season, i concluded that there are 3 reasons why i am afraid of rainy season, which are thunderstorm sound, the lightning, and blackout! Yeah, my city often experience blackout if there is heavy rain with thunderstorms and quick winds. For those of you who doesn't know, blackout is a condition where you don't have any electricity at your house, or maybe your neighbourhood.

Okay, so, of course, i have to face my fear, as what my friends had suggested me, because the only way to cure yourself from the fear is by facing it! So, let me show you my ammunition for rainy season!!

1. For the thunderstorm sound and lightning, i applied a method called "desensitization", it is like, exposing yourself to material that can trigger your fear. So, for this method, i searched some YouTube videos related to those two, like compilation or whatever. Even, i watched the documentary of lightning, so i have to know how to save myself from lightning. Yeah, although we have overcome the fear, it doesn't mean, we don't need to stay away from it. It may danger yours, eventhough 90% of people who get struck will survive. But, yeah, to prevent is better than to cure, right?

So far, what i got from these method is, when the thunderstorm comes, stay inside. It will make you safer. But, yeah, i have to prepare at least for the lightning part, because it really makes me scared.. Maybe, for the thunderstorm sound, i can use headphones while raining, and listen to some music or maybe radio if i feel bored.

Not only that, so far, during the rainy season in my country, the thunderstorm and lightning are not that big, but yeah, still need to prepare. And also, from the videos i have watched so far, the great lightning hits some rural areas, yeah.. i live in the urban areas, so it may be fine for me, i hope so..

2. For the blackout, i have to do something which is not boring for me. Because, mostly, i used to live with some electronics, like computer and smartphone, or even WiFi connection. For now, i have bought lots of books, yeah.. medical books, religion books, motivation books, or even puzzle!! I also will buy some emergency lamp if in case, the blackout happens at night. So, i can learn or read something during the blackout. I also need to buy a powerbank to maintain the battery of my smartphone, in case, the blackout happens for a long time. Yeah, these rarely happens so far, but i still need to prepare for it.

3. I also need to start on doing cognitive therapy and relaxation therapy. Right now, i will find some meditation videos or controlled breathing methods, so when the rain comes, i try to remain calm and also realize that i am right now in safer place, so you will never experience thunder strikes.

I think, by applying these 3 methods, it will make me to survive during the forthcoming rainy season. Right now, my city is in the transition phase, yeah from dry season to rainy season. So, it's also a good time to prepare for the rainy season. Because, generally, rainy season is really great. You can feel calm by the sound of rain. I hope, i can also.. Amen..

DAY 27 : IT'S TIME TO FACE THE FEAR!!

9 November 2015, 4:30 p.m (GMT+7)

DAY 27 (it's been a really long achievement)

Yeah, actually i just did a hangout session with my bro +JakeStrong 112 and +Albert An, talking about changing addiction to a good way. I mean, turning my addiction from porn into something good. The good thing is, you can see my face! The video is coming soon... really soon...

Okay, in this hangout, i actually asked about if porn can induce phobia. I think, they already provided a great answer, eventhough in the end, there is no psychological corelation between both of them. But, lately, since i get addicted to porn, i just re-developed 2 phobias. I mean, seriously! Not only that, after the hangout session, i also had a chat on Whatsapp with my friend, Andreas from South Africa, talking about facing the fear and of course, phobia.

Let's be honest, i have a phobia or fear on thunderstorms (the easier, let's just say, dark clouds, or in medical word, say it as astraphobia). I really feel afraid of that thing. It's actually kind of relapse. Because, i already had it for about 11 years ago, and already cured after 2 years struggle. And, at this year, i experienced it again. I actually wished this could be cured but, i don't know,  because it's crazy..

The other phobias i just developed is fear of flying in bad weather. You know, last year, there was an AirAsia accident that happpened due to bad weather, like some imbalance due to flying toward dark clouds. Watching the news coverage make me feel afraid everytime i fly. But, i think, i can solve it well by preparing some stuff, like downloading some videos or songs to enjoy during flight.

The bad thing that happened recently is the rainy season is already approaching in my country. As you know, since my country is located in the tropical region, so we only have 2 seasons, dry season and wet season (rainy season). And, the situation in my city makes me really feared of rains, especially if it is heavy and includes thunderstorm.

Not only because it is scary, but also there could be bigger chance to get a blackout. It is really scary, because i have to get through this thunderstorm with no electricity around. I don't feel comfortable. What makes me really scared of thunderstorm is the booming and surprising sound, with some light that comes suddenly. You know, that makes me really shocked and feared also.

My parents even concerned about it, so right now, they asked me to get rid of it. So, since the rainy season has already started in my city, i decided to search for the solution. I found that the first line treatment against my phobia is by making habituation.

Habituation is actually a process of learning, it's like decrease of response after several stimulations. I know that everytime the thunder strikes, i really feel scared, so for now, i decided to get used to it, so one day, i can feel better. Not only that thing, i also need to start realizing that the thunder strikes will not hit you if you are in the safe place. For the blackout part, maybe, i need to start decreasing my usage of Internet or smartphone again, or i need to buy powerbank so i can still preserve some power when the blackout attacks.

Yeah, so right now, it's time to face the fear!! Yeah, because the best way to reduce your fear is by facing it like a warrior!

So, okay, it's about that time to face the fear and fight against it! Because, one day, if you lose, fear will control your life and it will be really bad. People maybe call you a loser for that.