DAY 4 : Almost relapse

14 March 2018, 12:38 a.m (GMT+7)

It’s been two days I haven’t given any update on this blog. Now, I’m writing this during my first night shift in the inpatient unit. Thankfully, the patients are in stable condition so they can sleep without any complaints. And, the coffee starts working so I am still fully awake now.

Now, I am actually doing fine, still surviving from relapses. Although, several hours ago, I experienced a crazy urge because of me staying for a long time at home. But, due to the slow wi-fi connection in my home, I decided to divert my attention by learning about several diseases and also drugs that I should prescribe for certain diseases.

Yeah, yesterday have been quite a mess. So, that was my first day working in an outpatient clinic in the same hospital. And, many patients came in. That time, I kinda felt confused since I am still not used with the workflow there. Unlike inpatient unit, the outpatient one is about speed and accuracy in decision-making. I have to check patients for their disease history and do an effective examination. Unlike the inpatient one, while I have to consult several specialists for a better treatment decision.

So, after my outpatient shift ends, I started to regret for my unpreparedness. I decided to go outside to a café near my house, drinking a lemon tea, and eat with my friend who worked in a different hospital. There, we talked a lot about our activities and how we approach some diseases. Yeah, we both are still fresh doctors, we still are not introduced to the clinical jobs. So, sometimes, we are confused of some administrative stuffs, like the availability of drugs that we want to prescribe, or even the flowchart of services. Eventhough, we have our orientation process, but, somehow, we always forget.

It also leads to that urge. Loneliness, regret, and boredom. Those three combinations happened in the morning when I woke up. I didn’t want to do anything else that time. Just to stay in bed, and play some games. So, by that, I started thinking about a sentence I used to say as an encouragement to not relapse.

“I AM ONE PORN AWAY FROM TROUBLE.”

Yeah. After several thinking, I realized that everytime I relapsed on porn, I had a hard time socializing. I felt easily irritated by stuff, lost some confidence, and many negativity happened after that. That time, I realized I don’t want to relapse anymore.

I know, it’s still a long way for me to start becoming a better person. But, I need to try something new again. Maybe, reading some interesting stuff, or training some skills. I’ll figure it out later. Now, I am just happy I am still on the streak.

DAY 1 : First day of work

11 March 2019, 05:14 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 1

This is my first workplace. Pray for me!

This is it. My first day of work. After 6 years of struggle in medical school, alongside pain,

procrastination and suicidal thoughts, i managed to get my Medical Doctor (MD.) degree. And now, i finally got a job in a hospital. In my country, new medical doctors need to have a one-year period of internship to get a practice licence. It can be in everywhere in my country as long as it has an agreement with the Department of Health. Today, i am assigned to work in the In-Patient Unit. While, before that, i got to do some orientations in the hospital i am assigned to.

Anyway, in this hospital, i kinda feel really alone. Not, because of how i think about my new friends. But, it’s a really new place for me. I am now working in Gresik, a city that is famous for their industries, there are really tons of industries here, while cement and fertilizer being the most famous ones. I really experience new cultures, places that i have never been before, and no one from my college that works in the same place as me, so it gave me a really new experience.

And, before my job, my anxiety and depression started to attack me again. Like, how it used to

happen. I feel easily irritated by some jokes aimed at me. It’s like several months ago, where people tried to match me with someone i actually don’t like. Not that i hate her, but, she’s just not my type. So, that kind of words kinda hurt me and i actually overthink about it. It also leads to my porn addiction relapse, which actually aggravates my mental illness. I was diagnosed with dysthymia since 2017 by a psychiatrist near my home, which is a low-grade (high-functional) depression, but it is really persistent.

So, after several considerations, i decided to talk it out with some of my old friends. My high school friends, and my college friends, about what i feel about my new friends at first. And then, i started to realize that it is me that needs some changing. I need to change how i should react to some jokes aimed at me, not being oversensitive about it. Changing my coping approach and just take it as a joke. Laugh it off, and let it go. As my friend said before,

“Never take it personally. I’ve seen one of my friend who did that. And, it turns catastrophic.”

He also said about how he was like that before. But, he changed his coping approach by suppressing it and take it as a humor. Which is, according to the books that i read, is a mature mechanism.

And then, another friend came at me and say that i need to remember my intention to come here. I remember how i said to her that the reason why i decided to move from Jogja is because i want to change myself. Eventhough, Jogjakarta, the city where i learned to be a doctor, has given me much memories. But, i had a really bad past there, as how my porn addiction exacerbates again and again, there. I don’t want to look at that again. I want to change. And, as i looked up about Gresik, my new home. It is a religious town, known for their Islamic background, while still maintaining their traditional roots. So, i feel like this city can facilitate me to get closer to GOD while finding my purpose of life. I want to get myself involved in so many activities here, so i can move on from this addiction and try to be a better person here.

Yeah, so, i think, i need to focus on my intention. Becoming a better person. Getting myself closer to GOD. Loving myself more. For a better life ahead.

And, for that, I will restart this diary writing habit for multiple days. Re-forming the habit that i have left before. Hope i can continue this constantly. And, pray for me to accomplish that!

Farhan's Final Verdict On Porn

Yogyakarta, Indonesia, 22 March 2018, 10:16 p.m (GMT + 7)

Lately, this week i have been doing great, and currently been porn-free for 5 days. Eventhough, i have been free for searching or even consuming any type of porn media. I still try my best to pursue my comeback at writing. Yeah, i still keep my aspiration to be a writer in the future, eventhough i have already published a book discussing about the danger of Pornography from several aspects, like social and also medical. I still even faced several episodes of relapses. I think, my best streak on being porn-free was 10-12 days, i already forgot, but i know it's been a hard time for me to get it back. So, let's just say, i didn't even live up to what i have written before, and to be honest with you, i felt very upset about it. Maybe, i even have forgotten every lines i wrote in that book.

Today, i am working on my new book. This is all about how i reflect through the worst years in my life. As a medical student that currently undergoes a clinical rotation, i really called 2017 as probably one of the worst years, since maybe, 2010. Yeah, as i have counted, last year, i had about 3-4 suicidal thoughts in one year, mostly come from me overthinking of what people said to me before. Yeah, people often call me useless, stupid, and even they compared me to one part of Dumb and Dumber. Not only that, i still recalled until now, when someone in my clinical rotation group said this to me,

"Even if you are the only man in this world, I prefer to be single! I do hate you!"

Thankfully, the person who said this happens to be someone i hate so much that there is one point where i wish that person died from an attempted murder. But, this horrible statement made me reflect a little bit what if everyone actually said this to me, but they seem afraid to say that because that may hurt me, since that time i am too sensitive for even such words or acts toward me.

Last week, i met with someone, a teacher that i havent met for a long time. Yeah, i was about to collect my assignment after some failed examination program with her. She decided to give me an assignment to complete the exam, but it took me a year to finish it. First, because of my anxiety. Most people always know that this person is such a strict and perfectionist, especially during exam. She always have high expectation that when someone hasnt met it. She will fail them for multiple times. It also happened to me. I think if she failed me and encouraged me to do better with a good word and encouragement, i might be okay with it. But, not for her. She always scolds and angers every people and somehow use high intonation when she speaks. And then, i get depressed for it.

Then, here comes the suicidal thoughts. After each meeting, i always cried and felt pessimistic on whether she would pass me or not. I am not a perfect person, and i dont know if being a doctor will be a future for me. Since then, i started to think whether i really should quit or not. So, i decided to postpone my assignment for almost a year, just to figure everything out. I searched for every department and seeked for the answer.

Until, when the time is up and i got to meet that teacher again, she was still the same person, or let's say slightly worse. She scolded me again and right now, she still thought that i havent recovered from my anxiety and depression. So, she brought me for a Neurobehavior Examination. It was found that i had a severe anxiety and severe depression so she asked me to treat them so she really wanted me to be ready when i face her.

All these horrible situations made me reflect again on what i did wrong. What went wrong with me and how. Right now, i also take hypnotherapy session to make myself better because i knew that i had a little confidence for me. Today, i plan to take the second session. My first one was actually good, i felt something inside me better especially when the therapist asked me to give my mind a balance and suddenly, i thought of writing as a process to create the equilibrium inside.

But, before that, i searched some journal on anxiety and depression while i still fought for that also. I mostly found thst the reason mostly comes from family and environment which hasnt been good since i was young. But, i found a study from Case Western Reverse University, it was stated that those who believed they had an addiction to pornography also experienced psychological issues, like depression, anger, and anxiety.

Eventhough there are several confounding factors beside porn consumption, i often heard people who has been struggling to quit their porn addiction also experienced those things. As for me, i didnt think my porn consumption is a risk factor for all the conundrum that happened. I once consulted to a psychiatrist near home, she told me that i actually have a mental problem called "DYSTHYMIA" or often called as "Persistent Depressive Disorder". That was also the reason why it is easy for me to lose focus, to be sensitive and also to overthink everything that happened to me, even something that is really not important. And, i think, Porn is not the main reason i suffered this kind of problem. Porn is like a precipitating factor, yes, it adds things up to my trait that i have developed since i was a kid. Porn makes me more anxious about what my future will hold, Porn makes me lose spirit and motivation t
o do certain types of actions. Porn always blocks every chance i have to do something productive, like releasing some articles or learning new stuffs. It's kind of obvious since somehow, certain people didnt see any side effects on porn, and still do some own stuff. Even, there are some people who watched porn and actually can control their consumption, hunger or urge to watch them more. But, i am not that person. I am so easy to be controlled by everything, by the response, and also by the effect.

Maybe, if i know some more addictive substances, like alcohols, narcotics, or even cigarettes. I could have consumed it also if a friend of mine forced me to try it and gave me several arguments on how you should try it. Like, maybe, alcohol can solve your problem and make you forget all the bad things that happened before, or cigarettes can make you think clearly and more inspired. That's what my uncle said when i asked him why he always smoke cigarettes. And, actually i could have done that also, since the policy regarding cigarette in Indonesia is not as strict as other countries. That's why in some rural areas, you can actually see kids under my age (i will be 23 this year) smoke cigarettes. But, in the end, i got addicted to Pornography which happens to have the same effects as all the substances. Maybe, most of you still figure out how Porn can give you these effects, but to tell you the truth, when your mind is switched on to watch porn everytime you experienced stress or boredom, or everytime when you have a problem, you end up watching porn. It should be a problem, especially when you spend some hours where you must be productive just by watching porn. It must be a problem. 

Yeah, it must be a problem. 

Starting from today, i am working on to increase my self-confidence. I know that this situation will be tougher than ever, since this is a really great battle i am going to be in. This is all about myself, i know there will be more battles after this, like jobs, financial struggle, or even family. But, right now, to proceed and succeed in life, i need to win this battle. I have gained several assistances from my parents, my family, my close friends, my mentors and teachers to win this battle. But, in the end, i am the one who needs to win it by myself. 

To be a man, you got to beat the man. 

I know, Porn got the best of me. But, right now, let's beat the best of that porn.

Please, pray for me.
Let's start to write again here! I am going to write about my life battles and reflections, not regularly, but i hope i can inspire you in some kind of way

Farhandika Mursyid

THE JOURNEY RESTARTS (Hope my life also)

Yogyakarta, 14 May 2017, 9:41 p.m (GMT+7)

The Journey Restarts! (Day 0)

Yup... i just relapsed. After lots of days struggling, even with my success of publishing a book discussing about my porn addiction story and how i can overcome it. I still ended up with a relapse. For now on, i don't want to talk about the reason why, and also the story behind it. It was a really sad news that i still try best not to rewind this bad moment. I know, it is still normal when you relapse, but let me just reflect this by myself, without discussing anything regarding to it. The reason are mostly the same, whether you are bored, you are stressed or you are alone. Lately, i feel stressed and bored since i am right now in the Anesthesiology Department, and everyday, i have to enter the Operating Theatre to watch an anesthesiologist work. In case you didn't work what anesthesia is, it's like when you are being operated, you will feel some numb. Anesthesiologist actually gave you some medicine that will make you numb. But, it's not always like that. They mostly work in Emergency Unit, or maybe ICU (Intensive Care Unit). And, the night before, i have to go to several wards to do some pre-surgery visits, checking their vital signs, following their latest laboratory results, and educating patient on what to do before, while, and after being operated.

But, not only the journey to beat porn addiction will restart, but also, i really hope one day, my life will restart. I am not talking about suicidal thought in this post. Eventhough, lately, i thought about suicide, i even tried to overconsume painkiller, but i was lucky i didn't end up dying or even feeling any kind of discomfort, since i don't consume many pills, it is like i took about 4 pills. I still feel good since i have several friends that want to help me and will to listen to what i want to achieve. Even, a friend of mine cheered me up by reminding me about a story when i failed and i get back up, and lots of people started to appreciate me then.

Speaking of appreciation, eventhough i already published my first book. I still feel people i don't get much appreciation for doing that. I remember one time several people called me a dumb or a useless person just because of one simple mistake. Yup, one simple mistake. But, right now, i still feel like when they said it, i just need to put a mirror in front of them and tell them "YOU'RE EVEN DUMBER THAN ME! I ALREADY HAVE MY BOOK. WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUH?". But, i know i can't do it, i am not a type of person that can do such kind of thing.

Anyway, back to the title, i really want to restart my life all over again. Right now, i am currently living as a (still) medical student, currently i am now in a clinical rotation phase. It's like after taking an undergraduate degree and earn the "Bachelor of Medicine" degree, you need to get in this clinical rotation for about 2 years, so you can graduate as a doctor, and work in a healthcare facility. So, right now, it took about 1 more year for me to achieve the "Medical Doctor" degree. But, after several considerations, i don't really think being a doctor is a good choice for me. I really enjoy myself as a writer, writing about everything, about music, about entertainment, about health, and about anything else.

I currently have a dream that one day, i will be working as a medical writer in America, taking graduate degree for Medical Journalism in University of North Carolina, or maybe a Public Health Master Degree in Harvard. Because, i really want to be a behind-the-scene guy to improve the health status, not only in my country, but also in the world. I know that being a doctor is a really great profession, since you will be dealing with your patient's wellbeing. But, for me, speaking is not my ability. Besides the medical knowledge and clinical skills, communication (in every aspect of it) is one of the biggest weapon that can give you the character of a great doctor, or let's say FIVE-STAR DOCTOR.

Somehow, i enjoy every moments where some of my friends appreciate my writing content, repost them, and give some constructive feedback, or maybe discuss something about my writing. About 3 hours ago, a famous local radio announcer just bought my first book, and he said that my book is a really good book, especially for an amateur writer that just published a book. I enjoyed them rather than several moments where i met a patient, talk about their diseases, and gave them some education about how to prevent their disease or even symptoms. I don't know why. Not that because i hate sick people, but i just don't want them to be sick. I want them to be always healthy.

Speaking of writing, i already planned to write my second book. I feel really sorry because i can't publish my first book in English, just in Indonesian, because i may have a minor plagiaristic issue with an organisation. And, actually, my first book didn't even sell well, mostly due to lack of promotion from the publisher and also myself. But, it is all good. Mistakes are there to be learned, not to be cried. These mistakes will give you more strength and ability to be a better writer in the future. So, i have made some concepts about my second book. My second book is actually a continuation of my first book, and i planned to write it in English. So, it can also help me enriching my English writing skills, for a better purpose, like possible postgraduate scholarship, or something like that.

My second book will be quite a novel, and the theme may be quite controversial, but it is still related to my first book. I really will discuss about "Love" and "Intimacy" in it. But, of course, i will be writing this in tons of aspects. Social, Health, and many more.

I planned to release it coincidentally with HIV-AIDS Day or maybe Sexual Violence Awareness Day, or any day that has relationship with Sexual Violence, HIV-AIDS, or Sexual Disease. Let's see how this will roll, then. And, don't forget, please pray for me for a better life. Hope i can see myself later as a writer in the future, not a doctor.

I LOVE WRITING!
Please, pray for me!

TURNING POINT!

24 September 2016, 7:08 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 3

Lately, i really feel unmotivated by what i have done in the past couple of months. I've been struggling to beat my porn addiction. I was always on a short cycle. I remembered that my longest streak is actually about 7 days. I have never reached double digits last month. Even my addiction is going even worse. Nearly, i have spent too much on my parents' salary, just for feeding all my urges.

And then, i also have some emotional chats with my father about where the money have gone. Because, i know, right now, i feel like i was controlled by Evil. I spent money on a bad purpose, and i didn't tell him honestly about where the money have gone. I know, if he knew about the truth, he would probably be mad of me. Right now, i wrote this post while i still try to cry for all the mistakes i have done. Because, let's be honest, i really understand how hard it is for my dad to earn money for my family. I am still a student, and i wasn't allowed by my parents to get a job or earn money. They really want me to focus on education. Eventhough, in my deepest heart, i really want to help them earning money. My mother doesn't work, because she wants to focus on keeping me, eventhough for now, i think, it's not even a good decision. I will tell you later on the next post.

At this time, i decided to make a promise, not only to my parents, but also to myself and GOD, that i will NEVER. EVER. SPEND MY MONEY FOR ANY BAD PURPOSE! I ALSO WILL TRY TO QUIT FROM PORNOGRAPHY FOR A REALLY LONG TIME! 

As what some of my mentor has already said, i don't have any specific target for now. I just want to quit as long as i can. And, at least, i want to live a better life, not dealing with porn anymore, as what i have wished in my 21st birthday which is last month. 

Not only the fact that PORN really make me feel bad with my parents, but also right now, my chronic PORN addiction also leads me to losing concentration and motivation to write my book about dealing with PORN ADDICTION. I have decided to finish it on September 19, but even until now, i haven't typed any single page on my computer, eventhough i have written the concepts on some random notes. 

SO, I DECLARED THAT TODAY IS MY TURNING POINT! I REALLY WANT TO QUIT RIGHT NOW!!

PS : For the next 2 weeks, i will be going on a duty, so i may not be blogging during those times. It also means, i can't write any single page of the book again on my computer. I just hope everything will be alright there, because i heard from friends who has been there that. THE NEXT 2 WEEKS WILL BE REALLY BUSY!

Please pray for me guys!

Life Is Unpredictable (Thoughts On Orlando)

13 June 2016, 10:16 p.m (GMT+7)

First of all, as a Muslim, i want to send my deepest condolences to the victims of shooting in a nightclub in Orlando. I also ask for you all the readers not to denounce Muslim as terrorist religion, since we know that the shooter is a Muslim, and the nightclub that get shot is a gay club.

source : heavy.com

To be honest with you, my religion, Islam is really against any form of LGBTQ, but it doesn't mean that we have to mock them, or even end their life. We still need to respect them and pray the GOD for the best situation for them, because GOD can judge them, not US. The same thing we should also do to everyone who hates Muslim and condemn us as terrorists or whatever bad it is.

Just a matter of fact, i don't even get how a Muslim shot these 50 people in a nightclub while all of Muslims are right now on Ramadan month, doing fasting, and losing our desires. And, this guy even decide to kill people. He must be a fake Muslim, because Ramadan is actually used as a test to cleanse ourselves from sins and some bad desires, including sex and pornography from sunrise to sunset. But, we have to apply this also everyday. WHY IS HE DOING THAT??

Anyway, Ramadan Mubarak to all Muslims around the world!

source : assabile.com

Speaking of Orlando, last weekend must be really tough for that city. TWO headlines are coming from the city last weekend and they are all about shooting!. We know about the nightclub shooting that has killed 50+ people took place in the city. But, 1 day before this, another tragic shooting happened quite near from the nightclub. It only took one person's life, but she's not just a person. The victim is a famous YouTuber and musician named Christina Grimmie. She was shot after her concert by someone that just came to Orlando to shoot her. The shooter also died.

source : rt.com

Most of you might know her from The Voice, yeah she ranked 3rd there and get some mentoring from Adam Levine (Maroon 5 vocalist). But, i have personally known her even before she auditioned for The Voice. She often uploads her covering some pop songs on YouTube. My first introduction to her was about 5 years ago when she did a song by Nelly called "Just A Dream", and i was impressed by her voice and also her look. She is so beautiful, and you can even see that beauty from the inside. She has a really great smile, and seems so down-to-earth.

"Now if you ever love somebody, put your hands up, and now they're gone and now you wish you could give them everything"
Now, this part is really sad. Never cry like this in every celebrity's death. It's almost the same as my grandfather's death 7 months ago.

I kinda want to say she has turned into a celebrity crush for me (anyway, i really have lots of celebrity crushes). Yeah, i had a really big crush on her. It is crazy because i used to listen to her songs, download her YouTube videos, even posted her lyrics on my social media accounts. So crazy moments, even i shared her videos to some of my friends. I think that she introduced me to the good side of YouTube (yeah, right now, we have seen lots of stupid stuff on YouTube). Anyway, i also found out that i even made a fan video about her.

Believe me. That's my video. I made it 4 years ago. I was 16 years old and so maniac about her at that time. Right now, i already changed my laptop and also i don't use anyone as new my wallpaper. I just used a random screenshot from my favorite music video by Kendrick Lamar called "Alright".

Oh My God! I really wrote about her so much i even forgot to tell the main thing about this post. Her death was a shocking news not only to her fans, but also to lots of her friends, fellow YouTubers, or even musicians. Lots of celebrities shared their condolences and even tributed her in their own performances, such as Charlie Puth, Miranda Lambert, Fifth Harmony, Meghan Trainor, Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber. WOW! I think, for all the celebrity death reports in 2016, this may be the worst i have ever read, since lots of deaths were due to some chronic diseases. 

From all the 2 incidents above, i learned a really important thing that

"LIFE IS UNPREDICTABLE, WE KNOW THE STARTING POINT BUT WE DON'T KNOW THE END"

If i can ask to them now, or maybe in the past, they choose not to die like this. But, GOD made a different decisions for them. We may get angry, regretful, or even sad, but it already happened. And maybe while reading this, we may ask

"How if these things happen to you?"

So, by this post, i just want to remind you guys, and also for myself that while we are still living in this world, we need to spread lots of love to each other. Spread some positivity, do lots of positive things, enjoy the struggle and work hard. And if you still have mistakes toward people, just ask for apologize and also, forgive everyone for their mistakes they have done to you.

"You only get one shot, do not miss your chance and blow
Cause the opportunity comes once in a lifetime"Eminem - Lose Yourself

To end this post, i just want to say

Rest In Peace to 50+ people that get murdered in Orlando nightclub, and
Rest In Peace to my old time celebrity crush, Christina Victoria Grimmie.

ABOUT TO START YOUTUBE!

18 March 2016, 8:46 p.m (GMT+7)

So, lately, i've been getting bored all the time, yeah, my academic session actually just ended, but i have to wait for a test that will be done on middle of April, and the test is actually a remediation of one test that i failed, it's actually a skill test though, so i just need to learn about the procedure, and practice it and yeah, still getting bored.

Lately, i've been trying myself to do some writings but i ended up getting writer's block, eventhough in the last 2 weeks, i just made a buzz by making my 2 writings about hip-hop become "HEADLINE ARTICLE" in a larger site, called Kompasiana. It's actually a blogging site, free for everyone to access and write in that site. And, seriously, i made 2 HEADLINES!! My writings have become discussion from everyone inside Indonesian hip-hop scene. Even after those writings, my Facebook just got more friend requests from rappers or at least, some hip-hop fans. It's good for me but sometimes, it kinda gives me more pressure to write something better. So, i started to do a review writings for some hip-hop songs that newly drop. I need to increase my ability in hip-hop, since people right now think that i am already "mastering" in hip-hop, but honestly, i have never dropped anything related to hip-hop. Songs, Lyrics, Beats, or whatever the components..

Yeah, as you know that boredom and stress gave you more urges, so 2-3 days ago, i just relapsed due to my disability to handle that. Since that relapse, i started to get my writer's block BACK!! I really don't know what to write or at least, how to start my writing, it's bad!!

And right now, i just think of anything else to motivate me on staying productive! AND YEAH!! I JUST GOT AN IDEA.. I WILL START MAKING YOUTUBE VIDEOS, or at least, VLOGS!! I will be sharing what my YouTube channel is about.

So, wait for it, folks!

0/100 : NEW FORMAT!

10 February 2016, 1:30 p.m (GMT+7)

0/100

If you're reading this, i just relapsed several hours ago, this is my Day 1 anyway.. still struggling for it, but, i also found another new tactics to beat this Porn Addiction, it's crazy, because after that relapse, i can't really get back up from the "pain" of relapse.

I really want to succeed during the struggle, so far, my best record was 45 days. There are lots of urges coming at me, and i can't really let it go.

But, as i told you earlier, i just got another new tactics. I will tell you in the next post, that will be coming hours later! or maybe, minutes later! Because right now, i am sitting inside internet cafe.. and getting my inspiration on.

LET'S DO THIS!!!

Anyway, i changed my format, because i want to target for 100 days! Pray for me!

DAY 5 : LEARNING FROM CREED

8 February 2016, 7:52 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 5

Lately, i've been feeling a little bit of unmotivated to write something. I finally got my motivation on. I used to find some inspirations from some movies, or maybe videos, not only news of course.

And, yesterday, i just finished watching a good movie, it's titled Creed. If some of you didn't know, it's actually kind of a spinoff from a famous boxing movie, Rocky. The storyline is taken several years later, i think, in the Rocky IV, it was found that Rocky's long-time mentor and rival, Apollo Creed died after some terrible boxing accidents, he was beaten fatally by Ivan Drago on an exhibition match (Damn!)

Several years later, it was found out that Apollo Creed has a biological son, named Adonis. He also had a good talent in boxing while before working in a good company. Adonis decided to quit the job and pursue his talent in boxing, continuing his biological father's legacy. He also met Rocky (also starred by Sylvester Stallone) and asked whether he could train for Rocky, and he accepted it knowing that Adonis is his mentor's son.

After several training and exercises, Adonis finally had a chance to join the boxing match, and he won the match, and caught people's attention, especially about his relationship with Apollo Creed. It also caught the attention from the World Champion, "Pretty" Ricky Conlan, it finally ended in the championship match between both of them. The media and people already underestimated Adonis, thinking that he is just a spitting image of his father, and also a mistake, since he also hadn't met his father.. all his life

The underestimation also continued during the awaited match, people predicted that Adonis will last less than 12 rounds, or get knocked out by Conlan. This is where the good thing happens, Adonis really struggled so much, trained harder and harder to win. At that match, Adonis traded lots of punches with Conlan, and the spectators started to give respect for Adonis. And in the 11th round, Adonis fell after receiving heavy punch from Conlan, but, it didn't turn out well for the Champion because Adonis decided not to give up, and even he still wanted to continue for 12th round and said this

"I just want to prove them that i'm not a mistake"

These words are so good, it even made Rocky saluted him so much, even gave him some motivations to fight against his cancer.

So, the last round is still on, and it is a BIG SURPRISE!! By all the hard work, finally he made Conlan fell down! But, Conlan still stood up and he declared the winner and still remained his championship belt.

Yeah, Ricky Conlan wins the fight, but really, Adonis Creed wins the night for not giving up and still doing his best and making a really sensational performance! Adonis even got saluted by Conlan for his incredible performance

This movie teaches us that during every struggle, we don't need to give up easily from many obstacles. We should face it, in the best way we can, whatever we lose or we win, they will appreciate what you've done and maybe, they salute you.

I also will use this message during my NoFap struggle, because i think, for this effort, i may have lots of obstacles, or we can just say as "urges". I got so many urges  on my 5 days struggle, i still make my best to overcome it. The urges may be getting bigger and bigger, so did Adonis, he will see bigger obstacles after that.

I really like this movie, i think it should have been nominated for Oscars 2016 (you know, the nominations are so controversial, #OscarsSoWhite), it is also a really good spinoff for Rocky. I also found out that the man who played Ricky Conlan in this movie is also a professional boxer, lol!

But, yeah, watch this movie and get motivated, for 24 hours of better life!

DAY 0 : A BIG REVEAL!

4 February 2016, 10:26 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 0. Anyway, i just relapsed (again). and as what i have promised before, i decided to reveal about my addiction. But, anyway, i didn't reveal it on my Facebook, i decided to reveal that on Twitter instead, i still reveal on Facebook, but, by private message to some of my best friends.

"I SWEAR TO GOD...I WILL NEVER RELAPSE ANYMORE!!! TODAY WILL BE MY LAST RELAPSE!!
IF I RELAPSE, I WILL TELL OPENLY ABOUT MY PORN ADDICTION ON FACEBOOK!!"

You can read my post here, but it's in Indonesian..

I still have kind of traumatic feeling, because of what just happened several years ago, when i asked my friend for help to quit my porn addiction. I told it to some of them, but unfortunately, it was spread throughout the school, and some of my friends called me "hypersex".

But, for right now, i revealed it for several reasons. One of them is i am not afraid right now for whatever risks it may take! I know, some people will probably hate me because i have this kind of addiction, but for me, i don't really care that much. Because, i know, it's better to be hated for telling the truth rather than to be loved for telling the lies. Sometimes, we know that truth may hurt you, but it's just a temporary pain, as long as i still struggle and thrive for my best, i will get out of it, and they even start to forget it.

Right now, i decided to start writing again in the last format i used to have when i reached 45 days of quitting. I know, it will be a really long and strong journey, but i know, one day, i will have my biggest smile if i succeed, i can see the possible advantage. I also feel sick today, so i guess, GOD has already deleted my sins, or let's just say, it's kind of a punishment to what i have done in the past, so i just want to see the bright side.

I also installed applications that i always use during my NoFap struggle, because i know, it's gonna worth in the end. I decided to do counting days again because i think it's the best method for me.

LET'S START AGAIN FROM DAY 0!!

YOU. ARE. NOT. THE. FATHER!!

27 January 2016, 5:40 p.m (GMT+7)

This morning, i browsed on some YouTube videos (yeah, i really have no activity for several months, so that's why i decided to blog again), and i found a video that has become such a meme thing, yeah. It's actually from a quite controversial reality show, maybe some of you who lives in USA know this or some who has been living under the rock (i mean, the World of Internet). The reality show is called Maury, and it has two segments that really caught my attention. Yeah, it caught my attention of how bad our young generations are right now, i am not talking about USA, i am talking about the worldwide.

One of them is the paternity test, it was most famous for the catchphrase, "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!', it was also famous for some people reacting to that phrase, like these!

They of course do the DNA test just to make sure whether the baby that is being in the episode is the man's son or not. By this episode, i can also see that the sexual life of people in USA is really crazy, like how hard is it to find someone in USA who is still a virgin. Not like in my country, if you are not a virgin, you must be someone bad (yeah, i mean losing virginity before marriage), because our norm tells us that we have to keep virginity before marriage. (right now, same also from my country)

One of the causes of how free sex is a normal thing in some countries is the exposure to pornography. Of course, to perform such a sexual intercourse, we need to know the example, i am talking about the media to show you how to do it. Yeah, the only way is by pornography media, whether it is video, photo, or audio. We also know that pornography consumption in the worldwide is so.. goddamn.. crazy.. You can also see in the PornHub statistics in 2015 that at least every person on Earth viewed about 12 videos, or let's say every second, there is about 6,700 visits from Earth (of course!)

GODDAMN! So much people viewed porn right now, or they don't even realize they have been doing wrong everyday. You know that some sites are paid based on their number of visits. Imagine how much money PornHub can get just from one day!!

DAMN!! TOO MUCH MONEY FOR THEM!!

It kinda makes me scared that right now porn sites has similar amount of visits as social media or maybe search engine..

Yeah, back to this Maury thing. I was always shocked by the fact that there are lots of women coming to the show, bringing her children, and finding their biological father, even some of the guests don't suggest or admit having sex with one man, more than one! Crazy on how easy they can have sex.

I am just hoping one day that free sex in this planet will decrease, or let's just say, more abstinence to the people. I will tell you later about it..

Of course, if i was appointed to that program, Mr. Maury will always say "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!", since i am still a virgin. I only get addicted to porn media, not to the sexual intercourse (eventhough i also wished for it).

I just hope i can keep my virginity until my marriage.
I hope..

IT'S BETTER THIS WAY

Friday, 22 January 2016

8 : 09 p.m (GMT + 7)

Today, i just finished my first day of re-struggling for this NoFap.. yeah, i mean, getting rid of my porn addiction. It was a really tough day, the urge is getting stronger. It is really hard because after successfully become abstinence for 45 days, i experienced so many relapses. Even in the first month, i relapsed 3 times.

Yeah, it is really bad for me since right now, i am targeting to have my 95% days of 2016 without porn, so far i relapsed 3 times, it means i have 3 days of porn. It is kind of bad start because we didnt finish first month f 2016 and i have been exposed to porn for 3 days. i started to get pessimistic on my target.

But, it is still the first month of 2016, there are still 11 months left, so, i still need to struggle more on my target, and for that, i checked on how i succeeded to reach 45 days free porn. And i think that i succeeded because of my writing habit. At that time, i used to write everything i feel, i experienced, i read, or whatever comes to my mind. I also shared this to some of my accountable friends, i always participate in NoFap-related group even join the YouTube hangout (i wish i still have it).

By doing those activities, i feel more triggered to do positive things, more than when i used to relapse 2 months ago. When i relapsed on addiction, i was too lazy to do activities, like writing, i didn't even write ahy single blog at all, while experimenting on another way to NoFap, and.. i failed..

Yeah, i think, writing is still the best way for me to succeed again in NoFap, and also to reach better life..
And right now i am back writing stuff, because for me... it's better this way..

DAY 38 : START TO WRITE AND SHARE!!

20 November 2015, 7:02 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 38

2 days to reach another milestone, which is 40 days of porn-free, or at least masturbation and orgasm-free, or whatever.. at least, not in the pornography world.

Yesterday, i just finished my assignment which is about narrative writing. I was asked to create a narrative text about someone who got a chronic illness, and i decided to write about myself. Because, i thought that addiction is also a chronic illness. It was supported by American Society of Addiction Medicine that, "addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory, and related circuitry". So, yeah, it depends on how we want to say it, but scientifically it's a chronic disease.

Anyway, i heard from the lecturer that the top 10 assignment will be published or at least, made a journal. First time, after submitting the assignment, i felt scared if this will be included in the top 10. But, now, i don't care much, because seriously, i think, this will be a really great moment or way to tell about my story, yeah, my story on how i struggled to get out from this porn addiction.

I am not afraid of anything, because, i am just being honest. I really like to be honest on everything, not everything though. But, at least, for this porn addiction, i am not afraid to share this to you all, right now. Because, it was or will be my past. And i will be proud to say this. I also wish that one day, my story can be an inspiration to another, or at least give benefits to other people.

Because, i was taught that the best person on earth is a person who always gives benefits to others. And why should i be hated for being honest?? Maybe, people will hate me, but, i think, it won't last long. Because, maybe, they didn't understand about it. Just think positive about it.

Anyway, let's be honest, i really enjoy blogging or typing all these posts in every single moment. Because why, i did this for lots of things. Let me tell you!

1. I really have passion for writing. I don't know, but i really enjoy it.
2. Writing can be a therapy for me. Sometimes, i still got urges on pornography, so i decided to open my blog and write something, yeah, at least a draft. And, suddenly, the urges started to decrease, and i can do another activities as well, like learning, reading, or whatever positive..
3. I have gained lots of positive feedback from my friends about my blog. Even i remembered one of my friend said this.
"I have seen your blog, seems that you are really a good writer"

Or even these statements

Sorry for all the names shared in this posts, but yeah, as you see above, no private chats, just saying "hello!" or "how are you doing", or discuss some general things.

So far, these are the reasons why i still continue writing and enjoy every single moments of it. Because for me, it will decrease my boredom..

I think, writing can be a good therapy also for you guys, especially if you guys want to get out from your bad past, like addiction.. Because, yeah, it really worked on me.. I have reached Day 38, and right now struggling for Day 39.. And, i reached that after using writing as therapy. I feel really good!

You can write in wherever you want, maybe in a diary, a special journal or even a blog. But, since blog is quite open, maybe, if you're afraid to share, maybe you can make it personal, or at least, share with some reliable friends, so they can cheer you or motivate you to keep writing. Then, you can also get motivated to succeed during your effort in quitting addiction

You can even write whatever you want, yeah, at least it doesn't hurt any people who will or may read it. You can't write about some racial issues, or ethnical issues, or stuff that may be dangerous. You can write about...

your love (like this post, DAY 14 : PORN DESTROYED MY LOVE STORY),
your thoughts (like this post, DAY 20 : FINDING TRUSTABLE FRIENDS)
your ideas (like this post,  ,DAY 1 : THE REAL STRATEGY FOR THE QUIT or this, DAY 3 : SLEEP EARLY, SO YOU WON'T RELAPSE)
your past events (like this post, DAY 25 : I JUST GOT ACCIDENT) 
your feelings (like this post, DAY 17 : FRIENDZONE (again)) ,
or even about your idol (like what i did through this, DAY 29 : I LOVE MYSELF! and this, DAY 21 : LEARNING LIFE FROM SAKURA (CHERRY BLOSSOM)
or even you can write some stuff, like letter (like this most viewed post, DAY 26 : DEAR PORNSTAR, I STILL LOVE YOU)
or maybe a diary..

IT'S UP TO YOU!!

I think, if you want, you can share your stories to your friends, or people who you believe. Don't be shy to share, i used to be that person also, like i am so afraid one day they will hate me or mock me. But, yeah.. DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM!! Just do something you love and love something you do. So, they will never laugh at you anymore..

But, yeah... it's up to you!

If you want so LET'S START TO WRITE AND SHARE!!

DAY 36 : CHANGE FOR THE 5-STAR YOU!!

18 November 2015, 11:12 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 36

Sorry for my late update, i just finished my exam, and i scored well, not as expected, because i expect to get a really high score, but, i can see some good improvements thanks to this NoFap challenge.

I really got low scores since i get addicted to pornography, it really decreased my concentration, eventhough my concentration is not increasing well, but at least, there is significant improvement on it. My grade really decreased significantly lately due to porn addiction. I can think this will improve if i keep being consistent and humble throughout these next days. I am still struggling for 100 days NoFap challenge.

Anyway, this module that i already finished the exam is about health system. So, yeah, it really taught me about health system, especially in my country (for some of you who didn't know about me, i am a medical student).

Some of the materials taught me about the definition of the doctor, especially on how the doctor should be, or should act to create a good health care. Listening and reading to these materials made me thinking that to create those good health care or of course, to create lots of benefits on the community i will be working on, I HAVE TO CHANGE MYSELF!!

Seriously at past, that my life is so fucked up, i am not that clever, my score is low, i have less friends, i am somehow easy to be emotional, i can't set things clearly, even my bedroom is not well maintained. I am not that discipline. And, in general, I AM REALLY BAD AND USELESS!!

But, this module and also throughout this NoFap challenge, i think that there is NO BAD AND USELESS person on this lovely planet, there are only good people who weren't treated well by community, that's it!

People were born for some reasons and also people can create benefits to each other.

Honestly, throughout these NoFap challenge, i feel certain changes happened.. I called it as benefit of course, because most of the changes are positive for me. It is of course, great.. But, the change that i mean is not only from how people treated me, but also on how i treated people, and of course how i treated my life. Like determining the vision, targets, or range of changes we wish.

So far, this module that i just learned made me realized that being a medical doctor is not about making big deal of money, being called the most genius person, or whatever.. But, being a medical doctor is about how to help people physically, mentally, or socially, in a holistic way. To do that, i also need to change physically, mentallly, or socially..

I have to admit that NoFap has helped me to change mentally and socially. But, just by hoping from the effect of NoFap is not enough, we really need to change ourself mentally or socially, we need to create some life goals, life visions, or whatever good. So, one day, we can be a great person in the future, and of course if i can change our life goals or visions, it will also assist you to succeed in NoFap.

So, i think, NoFap and life changes are deeply interconnected to each other. Like, NoFap can help me for changes, and changes can help you on NoFap.

So, for me, i have to set a good visions, like i need to be a better doctor, not just better, but also a 5-star doctor. I don't want to be only one-finger doctor, meaning that the doctor that only instructs everyone, like patient, nurse, or other staff. I need to be 5-star doctor, like care provider, decision maker, community leader, communicator, manager. I also need to start learning those 5 things, and apply it to community i am in, or i will be in, someday..

Maybe, you can also create some 5-star yourself, like what you supposed to be in the future, or maybe you can create your 5-star formula for better life in the future.

So, to succeed myself, don't just hope for changes/benefits in NoFap, but also create it by yourself.. Changes that i mean should be a better change for life, not change into the worse of course.

And, one day, you can be the 5-star you!!

DAY 33 : GOOD NEWS AND SPECIAL THANKS!!

15 November 2015 5:38 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 33

I'm planning to put separate 2 posts, which are good news and bad news. First of all, Apologize for my late post, because have to prepare for the exam.

Anyway, i'm just reaching Day 33, and i have 2 sides of news, i mean... GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS! The bad news will be on another post..

I want to start with the Good News first.. YEAH!! I JUST REACHED THE NEW MILESTONE!! DAY 30!! I feel like a great person after reaching 30 days.. This is a really incredible milestone, after facing several challenges, triggers, and urges. I reached the milestone. It's really awesome!

I really want to thank everyone in the Battle Goal community, especially to bro +Albert An and +JakeStrong 112 for having a really incredible hangout. Anyway, this is our first and second hangout session. In case, you don't know about hangout. It's actually a feature by Google, where you can chat with everyone across the world. It's like Skype, but sponsored by Google. You need to have a Google Mail first to join it.

Anyway, these are the hangout videos!

Above, it's the video of my first hangout. Yeah! Mostly about introduction

And, this is our second hangout last week. We talked about several things, about turning addiction into good things. (FACTS : i hold a poster there, it's actually someone who inspired my Day 21 post. Read it here!)

Also, i want to thanks to my bro +andreas van niekkerk for keep reading and waiting for my next blog post. You can reach the good milestone as what i have done today. You are also one of the reason why i keep blogging about my journey.

Anyway, maybe, at Day 34 post, or whatever... I will be planning to open about this blog to my friends that i know.. So, yeah, good luck!!

I have felt lots of great benefits so far. I don't know again what to write..

DAY 29 : I LOVE MYSELF!!

11 November 2015, 1:35 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 29

I wrote this blog in the afternoon, because i'm making this post from the library because of the heavy rain and heavy wind also here. But, yeah. I feel great! Still struggling to beat porn addiction and my phobia of lightning and thunderstorm. I just hope, i can succeed earlier so i will feel much better in the future.

Anyway, right now, i have just reached Day 29 for this NoFap challenge. It is really awesome, because seriously, throughout my 5 years of struggle, I have never reached this milestone and right now i'm reaching it!! I AM SO HAPPY OF MYSELF!!

It really makes me wanna scream "I LOVE MYSELF!!!" and dance like this..

This is actually taken from the song called "i" by Kendrick Lamar. And the gif above is from the music video of it. here is the song if you want to hear.

I really enjoy the whole song, and also the music video. It also makes me dance like an old man. Haha! But, seriously, it's not because of how it sounds, but the lyrics of this song is really inspiring. 

This teaches you about how to love yourself. I remembered when i am still addicted to porn (like masturbating or viewing), i feel really depressed. I really hate myself, i even ask myself like "why should i keep doing this all the time?", or "how can i quit from this?". 

As you know, i got lots of adverse effects from this porn addiction, like being away from my friend, failed in academic or college, failed in having a girlfriend, and feeling really spiritless for sometimes. Not only that, i also feel attached to pornography at that time. Like, when i feel stressed for exam, i started to look at porn and masturbate for 1-2 times. It was often done, and after orgasm, i feel kinda depressed, like why i should do this thing. But, it was done again and again

I also thought that, at that time, i always felt useless, like i didn't know why i lived in this planet,

So, i started to listen this and read throughout the lyrics. This really makes me cry but as always, realized that these conditions happened because i had a lack of self-love. As what Kendrick said on his past lyrics,

"But what love got to do with it when you don't love yourself?"

 from his song, "Real" feat. Anna Wise.

And, i suddenly started to think that if we really want to change everything into positive, being a positive myself. I have to love myself.

I always know that i really have a bad past issue, like porn addiction. And, people will think me as a bad person, or someone crazy, like what my school friend has already thought of me. They even called me a "hypersex" and they laughed at it, because i know, they think it was bad, they even went away from me for being that, and made a stupid joke on me about that thing.

But, after listening to this song, and read the lyrics and its meaning, so, i don't care about it anymore.. Because, yeah.. I LOVE MYSELF!! I am really proud that right now, i am struggling to beat this porn addiction, and i don't care what they say, because as long as i am on the right track and GOD still with me, so, it will be good. And that's WHY I LOVE MYSELF!!

Kendrick also said in the song,

"Everybody lookin at you crazy, what you gonna do?  

Lift up your head and keep moving, or let the paranoia haunt you 

Peace to fashion police i wear my heart 

On my sleeve, let the runway start

You know miserable do love company, what do you want from me and my scars?"

Not only that, having a self-love will also give you confidence. Right now, i am really confident on speaking the truth about me, as what you have already read on this blog. I told you about lots of stuff, my porn addiction, my love story, my phobia, almost everything. It is because I LOVE MYSELF!! Because, at that time, i know how to make people love me. 

Kendrick also said in thie song

"Everybody lack confidence, everybody lack confidence 

How many times my potential was anonymous? 

How many times the city making me promises? 

So, i promise this.. 

I LOVE MYSELF!!"

And right now, i have reached this milestone, almost 30 DAYS!! And, i feel really great after gaining some important benefits, such as easier to talk with girls, getting my memory and focus sharper, and also great vision and spirit for life. And, i am about to be honest to some of my friends about my porn addiction. This really makes me  want to scream



"I LOVE MYSELF!!!"

DAY 28 : WE CAN BE HEROES

10 November 2015. 10:34 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 28

Finally, i just reached Day 28, mathematically, it is equal to 4 weeks. But, yeah.. Still not counted as 1 month then. WHY? But, yeah, i really need to struggle a little more, just 2 days left for 30 DAYS!!!

Anyway, in my country, today is National Heroes' Day. It is done to commemorate the struggle of our heroes to maintain our independence from colonizations by some countries, such as Japan and Netherlands. As you can see, people in my country celebrate the day by typing in social media, such as:

"Happy National Heroes' Day!!" or with some longer words that is exaggerating for me.

But, during this day, i started to ask myself, about the definition of the hero itself. So, i decided to look up on the dictionary, and find those meanings that can be relevant for us:

Hero (n) he.ro

Definition:
1. A person who is admired for their courage, outstanding achievements, and noble qualities
2. A person who is greatly admired for great or brave acts or fine qualities

I think, definition number 1 really defines it. And, i started to ask myself, am i qualified as a hero? Or how can someone be called as a hero?

After several small research, i can conclude myself that we can't call myself as "heroes", because in my opinion, "heroes" are relative subject. You can also see that from the definiton that uses passive meaning, which is that "heroes" is given. It depends on how the person thinks.

Let's take some examples!

Nelson Mandela. He has helped on decreasing apartheid which was a big problem in South Africa. When he died, people hailed him as "national hero". But, i have never heard he called himself as a hero, because he did it with sincerity.

Ir. Soekarno. He is the proclamator or founding father of our country. He managed to make the independence happen in Indonesia, so we can be free from a devastating colonizations that we felt for about 500 years! When he died, people hailed him as "national hero". But he has never seen himself as a hero, because he just wanted to help people.

From these 2 examples, i think, the good quality that we should have to be qualified as a hero is:

1) Have great vision and passion
2) Have great courage
3) Have great and noble attitude
4) Have great sincerity
5) Always help and inspire each other

So, yeah.. As we can see above, heroes are not about having great body images, or great physical abilities. But, we can be called as "heroes" if we have those 5 kind of things at least. So, for now on, please try to have this and try to inspire others by this.

DAY 27 : IT'S TIME TO FACE THE FEAR!!

9 November 2015, 4:30 p.m (GMT+7)

DAY 27 (it's been a really long achievement)

Yeah, actually i just did a hangout session with my bro +JakeStrong 112 and +Albert An, talking about changing addiction to a good way. I mean, turning my addiction from porn into something good. The good thing is, you can see my face! The video is coming soon... really soon...

Okay, in this hangout, i actually asked about if porn can induce phobia. I think, they already provided a great answer, eventhough in the end, there is no psychological corelation between both of them. But, lately, since i get addicted to porn, i just re-developed 2 phobias. I mean, seriously! Not only that, after the hangout session, i also had a chat on Whatsapp with my friend, Andreas from South Africa, talking about facing the fear and of course, phobia.

Let's be honest, i have a phobia or fear on thunderstorms (the easier, let's just say, dark clouds, or in medical word, say it as astraphobia). I really feel afraid of that thing. It's actually kind of relapse. Because, i already had it for about 11 years ago, and already cured after 2 years struggle. And, at this year, i experienced it again. I actually wished this could be cured but, i don't know,  because it's crazy..

The other phobias i just developed is fear of flying in bad weather. You know, last year, there was an AirAsia accident that happpened due to bad weather, like some imbalance due to flying toward dark clouds. Watching the news coverage make me feel afraid everytime i fly. But, i think, i can solve it well by preparing some stuff, like downloading some videos or songs to enjoy during flight.

The bad thing that happened recently is the rainy season is already approaching in my country. As you know, since my country is located in the tropical region, so we only have 2 seasons, dry season and wet season (rainy season). And, the situation in my city makes me really feared of rains, especially if it is heavy and includes thunderstorm.

Not only because it is scary, but also there could be bigger chance to get a blackout. It is really scary, because i have to get through this thunderstorm with no electricity around. I don't feel comfortable. What makes me really scared of thunderstorm is the booming and surprising sound, with some light that comes suddenly. You know, that makes me really shocked and feared also.

My parents even concerned about it, so right now, they asked me to get rid of it. So, since the rainy season has already started in my city, i decided to search for the solution. I found that the first line treatment against my phobia is by making habituation.

Habituation is actually a process of learning, it's like decrease of response after several stimulations. I know that everytime the thunder strikes, i really feel scared, so for now, i decided to get used to it, so one day, i can feel better. Not only that thing, i also need to start realizing that the thunder strikes will not hit you if you are in the safe place. For the blackout part, maybe, i need to start decreasing my usage of Internet or smartphone again, or i need to buy powerbank so i can still preserve some power when the blackout attacks.

Yeah, so right now, it's time to face the fear!! Yeah, because the best way to reduce your fear is by facing it like a warrior!

So, okay, it's about that time to face the fear and fight against it! Because, one day, if you lose, fear will control your life and it will be really bad. People maybe call you a loser for that.

DAY 26 : DEAR PORNSTAR, I STILL LOVE YOU...

8 November 2015 10:50 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 26

Dear Pornstar,

This is me, your not-so-frequent consumer, but already become an addict.

I remembered first, when i was introduced to you for about 5 years ago, it was a really weird introduction, because my friends forced me to it. Of course, i don't directly get addicted to it. I am just like,

"what the hell am i watching?"

But, for why, i started getting addicted to you after several exposures. I forgot the exact time, but, i experienced my very first wet dream due to you. I can't tell the feeling i have after that. And then, i started getting addicted to consume your materials, whether it's videos, photos, or even audios.

I show much love to your materials, eventhough in the end, my friends get decreased and even i didn't perform well in high school. I DON'T CARE! It's like a sacrifice for me, because i just have you as my part of enjoyment.

This is the first time i do that to you, because it seems that you are really great, you love your job, you enjoy everything that you do. I can see that through your face, when i watch your videos, or see some screenshots. I really feel the happiness you share with me, while you are doing some scenes. That makes me think that you can be someone i really want to be in the future.

I mean it! I think, you really have something that maybe every woman in the world should have.

Yeah, as what normal people usually do, when they love someone or something, they always take a look on everything related to that thing. Throughout my 5 years of getting addicted, i just realized some important points. And those makes me cry, i have no idea that you really hide something behind your joy. You really have lots of things to hide from me.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??

I don't know that behind those cameras or screens or scenes, you hide lots of pains. Yeah, a lot.. I have no idea that you hide those things, while we are enjoying them.. 

I just know that you are one step closer for some sexually transmitted diseases, like Chlamydia, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, or even the worst, HIV. 

I just know that behind those scenes, you have possible risks for vaginal tears, anal tears, or even penile fracture that will make you consume lots of painkillers which can be very painful to you due to the possible fracture effects.

I just know that your lifestyle is really bad, consuming alcohol, steroids, or even some of you do implants that can injure your body if not taken safely, or even some stimulant pills (e.g. viagra) to make you sexually active throughout the scenes.

I just know that to create a great body like that, you need to do some stuff which is dangerous to you or even us maybe.

I just know that you really risk yourself to death from those lifestyles, as you know that some of you are death on some complications of drugs, or maybe infections which are untreated.

I just know that behind those cameras, you feel really sad on what you have just done, even some of you committed suicide due to the depression.

I just know that everything you do is almost fake, or everything you provided is not in reality, because one day, we will never experience everything that was screened on your materials.

I just know that lots of good women hate what you did, even in my country, they think you are really bad influences for the teenage girls in my country.

In the end, i just know that you don't love yourself. 

Of course, i am really sad because not only me, lots of people really enjoy your materials, without thinking what actually happened behind the scenes. I still can see some of them enjoying it right now without knowing everything, Even lots of them spend their money just to see you getting hurt more and more.

And i feel really bad, because the more people enjoy it, the more you become famous, and also the more pain you will experience. I can't even imagine what will happen with you in the next future. 

I can't... seriously, i can't..

But, seriously, that's the time where i want to get away from you. And i am doing it now! Because why? 

Because i love you.
I don't want to see you getting hurt anymore during these scenes
I don't want to see you getting stressed anymore
I don't want to see your bad lifestyles
I really want to help people to do good things, and i want to do it to you.

I remembered, one day, my friend told me that porn addiction can lead to losing empathy, and my friend is absolutely right about it. Because, i don't only lose empathy to my friends or anyone i know face-to-face, but also to you. 

WHY THE HELL I LET YOU FEEL THOSE PAINS?
WHY? WHY?

So, right now, i am trying to take steps away for you. Struggle to distance everything related to you. Because so far, that's the best way to love you, and i always hope you still doing good. I always hope you still feel really great and in the end, you can finally get out from the pain, enjoying a new life, and start to love yourself.

Will i be looking at your materials again? I can't say no, because everything that are screened has something related to porn, eventhough images, or videos, even it is soft or not. But, right now, i am just trying to take a different approach when i suddenly see that material again. 

As example, before, i used to say "oh, this is sexy" or "wow! time to get orgasm for this!"
But now, "okay, good thing" or "oh no, i should not be seeing that".

Maybe, my religion see you as a "really bad person", but not for me, i remembered a video saying that "there is no darkness, there is only light, darkness is the absence of the light". The same thing i think about you, you are not a "bad person", you are just not guided well and trapped on this bullshit. I just want to pray everything good for you, and of course, i really pray that one day, you will go away from this pain, and love yourself! That's it!
Not only that, because my religion doesn't teach about hating each other, we are just taught to love each other, that's it!

I also hope that my friend who reads this open letter will also join me in praying for you! So, you will never feel the pain anymore and you will have a greater life! Or maybe, my friend who feel the same way as me will try to get out from you also..

And, last but not least, 
Forgive me for everything i did for you, i am one of those guys who give you lots of sufferings. I have stimulated lots of pains to you by getting addicted to your materials.
Forgive me for contributing any sin for you and myself, because the more i watched, the more sin you will have because of this.
Forgive me for everything i did for these years...
Please.. forgive me...

I can't imagine you crying behind the cameras or maybe, in my home..
I really can't
I am so sad...

Anyway, i am sorry for writing this long letter, in the end, i hope God will love you and show you the way for the better! 

Forgive me for these years and those pains.. Please forgive me!

With love,
Your ex-addict


Note : Thanks to my friend, +Stuart Tutt for inspiring me to write this letter, and also for motivating me to write about my struggle to quit from this porn addiction, i wished i know him before, maybe i can start faster. A big thank you!!

You can see his letter to pornstars through this link below..
Dear Porn Star : Please Forgive Me (by Stuart Lee Tutt)

I also would like to thank my friend +Albert An for this amazing Battle Goal application, and my KIK chat group, for always giving me some great motivations so i can start it out stronger until i reached Day 26. Thanks also to bro Jake, bro Andreas, bro Ali, bro Wut, bro Karvalo, bro Kynan, and many more!

We are all fighting for this together, and we can do this!! We got this!