DAY 1 : First day of work

11 March 2019, 05:14 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 1

This is my first workplace. Pray for me!

This is it. My first day of work. After 6 years of struggle in medical school, alongside pain,

procrastination and suicidal thoughts, i managed to get my Medical Doctor (MD.) degree. And now, i finally got a job in a hospital. In my country, new medical doctors need to have a one-year period of internship to get a practice licence. It can be in everywhere in my country as long as it has an agreement with the Department of Health. Today, i am assigned to work in the In-Patient Unit. While, before that, i got to do some orientations in the hospital i am assigned to.

Anyway, in this hospital, i kinda feel really alone. Not, because of how i think about my new friends. But, it’s a really new place for me. I am now working in Gresik, a city that is famous for their industries, there are really tons of industries here, while cement and fertilizer being the most famous ones. I really experience new cultures, places that i have never been before, and no one from my college that works in the same place as me, so it gave me a really new experience.

And, before my job, my anxiety and depression started to attack me again. Like, how it used to

happen. I feel easily irritated by some jokes aimed at me. It’s like several months ago, where people tried to match me with someone i actually don’t like. Not that i hate her, but, she’s just not my type. So, that kind of words kinda hurt me and i actually overthink about it. It also leads to my porn addiction relapse, which actually aggravates my mental illness. I was diagnosed with dysthymia since 2017 by a psychiatrist near my home, which is a low-grade (high-functional) depression, but it is really persistent.

So, after several considerations, i decided to talk it out with some of my old friends. My high school friends, and my college friends, about what i feel about my new friends at first. And then, i started to realize that it is me that needs some changing. I need to change how i should react to some jokes aimed at me, not being oversensitive about it. Changing my coping approach and just take it as a joke. Laugh it off, and let it go. As my friend said before,

“Never take it personally. I’ve seen one of my friend who did that. And, it turns catastrophic.”

He also said about how he was like that before. But, he changed his coping approach by suppressing it and take it as a humor. Which is, according to the books that i read, is a mature mechanism.

And then, another friend came at me and say that i need to remember my intention to come here. I remember how i said to her that the reason why i decided to move from Jogja is because i want to change myself. Eventhough, Jogjakarta, the city where i learned to be a doctor, has given me much memories. But, i had a really bad past there, as how my porn addiction exacerbates again and again, there. I don’t want to look at that again. I want to change. And, as i looked up about Gresik, my new home. It is a religious town, known for their Islamic background, while still maintaining their traditional roots. So, i feel like this city can facilitate me to get closer to GOD while finding my purpose of life. I want to get myself involved in so many activities here, so i can move on from this addiction and try to be a better person here.

Yeah, so, i think, i need to focus on my intention. Becoming a better person. Getting myself closer to GOD. Loving myself more. For a better life ahead.

And, for that, I will restart this diary writing habit for multiple days. Re-forming the habit that i have left before. Hope i can continue this constantly. And, pray for me to accomplish that!

5/100 : ME ON VALENTINE'S DAY

14 February 2015, 8:30 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 5 of 100

So, today is 14 February! AND, TODAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY!!

YEAAAY!! YEAAY!! YEE........... (i am still single, :"""""( *cries)

Anyway, in my lovely country, there has been some controversies against Valentine's Day. Since, the majority of us are Muslim, and most people who celebrates Valentine's Day are Christian, or i think, it has something related with Christianity, i don't know actually, just feel free to correct me.

Even there is a movement called "I Am Muslim and I Say No To Valentine", which i think it's really bullshit and against the tolerance. As you know, Indonesia is a country which has lots of ethnics, races, and of course, cultures, and religions. We actually have 6 religions which are accepted by our government. And, of course, we live together in tolerance as we are already taught by our ideology.

Of course, i don't celebrate Valentine's Day, i am not against it, but i just think it doesn't make sense to celebrate it, one of the reason is because i am still single (i am not dating any girl, eventhough i almost, but yeah. ALMOST IS NEVER ENOUGH!!)

Let me give the better explanation, also from my own perspective.

Mostly, on Valentine's Day, people state their love and give some presents, mostly chocolate, flowers, or some pink objects. I just think that if people celebrate Valentine's Day just to give those things, i think, why should we wait for Valentine's Day, while we can even give them everyday? or at least we can just give them whenever you want!

You can even state your love to someone whenever you want, because LOVE IS A RACE!

So, one more time, i am not against Valentine's Day, but i am not going to celebrate Valentine's Day like what most people do, eventhough i remembered 2 years ago, i got a chocolate from a girl (she has dated with friend, though)

Happy Valentine's Day
Everyday the 14th!!

Anyway, Valentine's Day can also lead to some possible sexual relationships, just don't do unsafe sex, or at least, don't even visit porn if you are single!!

SOCIAL MEDIA IS SOMETIMES.... CRAZY

8 January 2016, 08:26 p.m (GMT+7)

If you're reading this, maybe i want to express some rage, or some concerns, i am sorry if maybe, some of you guys will feel irritated or... whatever..

I know, right now, i am on my Day 8 of this NoFap challenge, and for some reasons, when you are on the first week, you started to get some kind of sensitive or anger from some sources you may not predict.

Yeah, folks.. You know, i have been on social media or a really long time, like almost half my age.. my first encounter on social media is on Friendster, i started to be active on Friendster since 2008, and right now, i have joined lots of social media, let's say Twitter (you may know from this blog that i have twitter), Facebook, Instagram, kik, Line, Whatsapp, etc.

But, the funny thing about my social media life is i have lots of friends on social media comparing to my real life, like that's why for some reasons, i love spending time on social media, chatting with my friends who i have never seen. So, for some reasons also, you may never know about your friends' characters, or maybe face languages or even voice tones (somehow it also determines your personality), since it's just full of chats, texts, or maybe... emoticons

So, here is the story why i feel irritated on social media!

2 days ago, i just replied my close friend's tweet, on that tweet he said,

"Do you really know that my celebrity crush will have his birthday 202 days later?"

I jokingly replied,

"I don't care"

I think, my friend know about my tweeting style, since we used to have chats on twitter or maybe on some messengers and i used the same style, like even when i joked around my close friend, i sometimes forgot to add "hehe" or "lol" or some happy emoticons when i joke.

example : "I don't care... hehe", you know... i just want to make my tweet more effective.. lol

And, minutes later, he subliminally dissed me on his next tweets (i mean threw a shot at me on twitter), and the bad thing is his friend also responded by throwing another shots at me. I mean, like.. seriously??

Reading his tweet made me kind of shocked, i mean, like.. If you think, i did something wrong to you via twitter, just send me a private message, and ask for clarification. You can't just conclude something easily and you tweeted some shots at me, dissing me like that.

So, after that, we decided to chat each other just for the clarification, i started the chat though, so i just want to make everything clear, before we started a fight, just because a stupid tweet. And, he said that he felt really irritated just because of my response to his tweet. So, yeah, we decided to apologize each other, but honestly, i already lose my respect on him, or maybe, let's just say, my respect towards him has decreased after that tragedy.

From this lesson, i just found out that people have different approaches when it comes to social media.

There is the one who always posts everything around him/her, like feelings, or maybe about activities
There is also the one who posts without mentioning everyone (i hate this guy, sometimes i used to do it)
There is also the one who posts some meaningful stuff, like opinions, or maybe facts

And, on social media, we can't know whether the person is joking or not, we don't know the characteristic of each other, we don't know also about how the person really looks like in the real life. As you know, there are lots of person who got cheated on social media. So, i think, from now on, be careful when you post something on social media, so you won't feel the same experience as me. Right now, i am still thinking about that event that i started to dislike him as person.

Yeah, you know, social media is sometimes.... crazy
Just decrease your time there, and focus on something productive

DAY 24 : TRUE LOVE NEVER FAILS

6 November 2015 10:35 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 24 (still strong!)

Yesterday, i just have a chat with my close female friend talking about love, actually we talked not a lot, but i don't know why we suddenly talk about it. She already had a boyfriend though (maybe!). I also talked to her about my "friendzone" case. If you don't understand what i am talking about, check it right here! At that time, she said this.

"Keep running for her until you are tired, true love never fails".

I was just thinking that it's true, but i still think if actually my love to her (someone who i just confessed days ago) is kind of true love or not. I don't know, so i just decided to do some browsing about it.

And, i found a good explanation by a psychologist named Robert Stenberg. He defined that there are about 3 phases of true love.

PHASE 1 : Passion 
This phase is actually kind of physical and sexual attraction. People called it "love at first sight". You started to get attracted on someone, pheromones are around you, chemistry and electricity in your brain started to do some random things, and of course, you really want to have your feelings reciprocated (i mean, will turn out great to him or her)

PHASE 2 : Intimacy
It's actually kind of attachment right here. Like both of you are really close and connected to each other. It really grows by spending time with the person you like. Then it grows deeper by telling about every aspects of life to each other. Yeah, it should start with trust and safety, both of you need to build that condition to reach this phase.

PHASE 3 : Commitment
Commitment in this case is.. like, you want to stay connected no matter what. To reach this phase, we should believe each other, not doing some prejudgment thing. Yeah, to really stay together, we need to break some barriers of being hurt and also resolve some issues together. For some reason, it also can be done by marriage or engagement. This phase really takes some risks, seriously!

Those 3 phases are also elaborated by Sternberg into The Triangular Theory of Love, which already described below by this picture:

which type of love do you actually have?

After reading throughout this article, i just realized that actually my love to her is actually still in Phase 2 (or maybe, Phase 1). Because, i just have passion on her, and quite intimacy also. But, it didn't turn well on the other side. So, it is concluded that my love to her is still not a kind of true love. So, to create that situation, i think, i should make her get committed to me.

Or, if we looked at this Triangle above, my love to her is like between Infatuation to Romantic Love. WOW! Infatuation actually means "falling in love"

But, yeah... Time flows, we don't know which one is best for both of us, maybe i will marry her or someone i don't know, or someone i have never thought. I really don't know, but i am always struggling to gain my "True Love" for the better version of me.

Because yeah, TRUE LOVE NEVER FAILS, like my friend said.

Source : http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/05/24/true-love-how-do-you-know/?all=1

DAY 20 - FINDING THE TRUSTABLE FRIENDS

2 November 2015 8:41 pm (GMT+7)

Day 20 (yeah.. finally!)

Finally, i almost reached Day 20! It's really crazy! Because in several levels, i felt that the urge approaching me has decreased (but still not significant), but for some reasons, i already feel the benefit has kicked in already. It's awesome!

Anyway, yesterday, i just did Google Hangout with my friends who are also struggling from Porn Addiction, you can see our hangout video here!

The bad thing is i just realized until the hangout ended, that my camera is not on, so you guys can't see my handsome face! OH NO! (it's actually okay though, because i am so humble, i'm afraid you guys will feel aroused by my face, just kidding, it's due to technical mistakes, not my camera's inability to resist my handsomeness, but at least, you can hear my sexy voice)

Most of the discussion is about how we all started this NoFap challenge, and the urges, struggles, passions, hobbies and stuff. Most of all, we did introduction since this is really our first Google Hangout, and i really enjoyed it!! We actually did a hangout starting on 11 am New York Time (it's about 11 pm in Indonesia)

Oh yeah, for sure, let me tell you, that we are all met together by one application, which is called Battle Goal (if you guys don't know, PLEASE DOWNLOAD IT on AppStore or Play Store, IT'S FREE!!)

After this hangout, of course, i went to sleep. But, during my struggle to sleep, i just realized that why i am so open with everyone in the hangout about my Porn Addiction, but i still didn't open it to my friends (i mean, friends i have met face-to-face about it). I mean, seriously, there is only one person i told about my Porn Addiction and he really supports my struggle.

Honestly, i already told my Porn Addiction to one person, but i have told to some of my friends who i knew from The Internet (i think, i have told 4 persons from them, one of them is a girl who i have confessed). It's actually because it's hard for me to trust anyone, especially in my campus. Yeah, my campus life is good, but there are some of my friends who is really talkative, even they can't hold any secret and i really hate it!

Yeah! I remembered last year, i told to one of my close friend that i have a crush on someone who we both knew. And, surprisingly, i was told that my crush knew that i fall in love with her, and she knew it from that close friend. What a bullshit, man! And, at that moment, i knew that there is almost anyone that i can trust to tell mysecrets, this is why i tell some of my friends that i know from Internet. 

I think, it's always hard to find trustable friends, but i remembered what my dad told me one day, that 

"if your friend talked about someone's badness to you, there could be any possibility that one day, he/she will talk about your badness to another"

And i always believe that my dad is true, and it really is!!

So, until now, less than 10 of my friends (beside the NoFap members) know about my struggle to quit porn addiction. Because i really trust them, and i think, they won't share it to everyone, or at least, if they shared, it won't give really bad effects on me. Even only 2 people know about the existence of this blog.

But, one day, when the time comes, i will tell to everyone about it. Maybe, after reaching Day 25, Day 30, i don't know. I need to consider every aspects and also risks. But, right now, i still find friends who i really trust, because i can't really hold this alone.. I need someone to support me.

DAY 12 & 13 : NOT QUANTITY, BUT QUALITY (Meaning Of Friendship)

26 October 2015 10:56 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 12 & 13 (i will be writing about what happened between these 2 days)

Yesterday (25 Oct) at about 3 p.m, i chatted on Skype with my new friend from South Korea, bro Albert. He is actually one of the NoFap motivator, he also has a YouTube account that contains of his NoFap story, or also some good motivations. You can check his YouTube channel here --> Albert An

Not only that, he is also a founder of a good application called Battle Goal (you can find it on Play Store for Android, or maybe App Store for Apple users). It's actually an application that can be used as a platform to reduce or get rid of any addiction, but actually most of users are struggling against Porn Addiction (including ME!).

We chatted for about 10 minutes on Skype, yeah, mostly we talked about Introduction and the possible updates on Battle Goal or whatever. But, in the end, after the chat, i just realized that i am actually friendlier in social media world rather than in the real world. Yeah.. i really have less friends, not because i am actually a bad person, but actually, i am a little bit introvert.

I wrote stuff about friendship now, because i have just decided to stay away from my good friends. Yeah, i'm not gonna say my friendship with him is over, but i actually make a distance towards him, because of his attitude. He even opened to some of my friends about my porn addiction, because he found out about it. Not only that, i think that he is using me for his profit. But, yeah, i hope i might be wrong. But, wait! STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM, anyway. haha!

After that, i talked to some of my good friends about my friendship, becuase my mom also concerned about it). And then, i remembered one of them said this.

"Friendship is not about the quantity, but it's about the quality"

Yeah! I've been losing friends due to porn addiction. They don't even know actually about my addiction, but yeah, porn indirectly breaks your friendship, as what my friend in Whatsapp group has said in another post before. But, of course, not all of them hates you, there are still some of them who still treated me good. And that makes me really happy! Eventhough, right now, i feel that i have more friend on social media rather than in real life, i still feel happy, because i still have a place where i can share my feeling, and of course they understand my feeling, and motivates me to do better and better.

And today, i feel really happy because i did a great job, i helped my friends on group assignments, and they also thought me in positive way. Also, i understood the lectures really well, and so on! I really think my friend is right that,

"Friendship is not about the quantity, but it's about the quality"

No matter how many friends you have, but as long as you can still maintain it well, and they understand and respect everything about you, it's okay. That is still besides you and still motivate you when you're up and down.
Not just some bullshit fake friends who likes you for their own profit, but when you are down, they leave you, and they treat you like nothing.

And right now, i am still proud that my good friends still motivate me and always help me to quit for this Porn Addiction. I really want to thank them and hope the best for all of them!

To my friends, or readers, if you have less friends, here are some pictures for you!