DAY 4 : Almost relapse

14 March 2018, 12:38 a.m (GMT+7)

It’s been two days I haven’t given any update on this blog. Now, I’m writing this during my first night shift in the inpatient unit. Thankfully, the patients are in stable condition so they can sleep without any complaints. And, the coffee starts working so I am still fully awake now.

Now, I am actually doing fine, still surviving from relapses. Although, several hours ago, I experienced a crazy urge because of me staying for a long time at home. But, due to the slow wi-fi connection in my home, I decided to divert my attention by learning about several diseases and also drugs that I should prescribe for certain diseases.

Yeah, yesterday have been quite a mess. So, that was my first day working in an outpatient clinic in the same hospital. And, many patients came in. That time, I kinda felt confused since I am still not used with the workflow there. Unlike inpatient unit, the outpatient one is about speed and accuracy in decision-making. I have to check patients for their disease history and do an effective examination. Unlike the inpatient one, while I have to consult several specialists for a better treatment decision.

So, after my outpatient shift ends, I started to regret for my unpreparedness. I decided to go outside to a café near my house, drinking a lemon tea, and eat with my friend who worked in a different hospital. There, we talked a lot about our activities and how we approach some diseases. Yeah, we both are still fresh doctors, we still are not introduced to the clinical jobs. So, sometimes, we are confused of some administrative stuffs, like the availability of drugs that we want to prescribe, or even the flowchart of services. Eventhough, we have our orientation process, but, somehow, we always forget.

It also leads to that urge. Loneliness, regret, and boredom. Those three combinations happened in the morning when I woke up. I didn’t want to do anything else that time. Just to stay in bed, and play some games. So, by that, I started thinking about a sentence I used to say as an encouragement to not relapse.

“I AM ONE PORN AWAY FROM TROUBLE.”

Yeah. After several thinking, I realized that everytime I relapsed on porn, I had a hard time socializing. I felt easily irritated by stuff, lost some confidence, and many negativity happened after that. That time, I realized I don’t want to relapse anymore.

I know, it’s still a long way for me to start becoming a better person. But, I need to try something new again. Maybe, reading some interesting stuff, or training some skills. I’ll figure it out later. Now, I am just happy I am still on the streak.

DAY 1 : First day of work

11 March 2019, 05:14 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 1

This is my first workplace. Pray for me!

This is it. My first day of work. After 6 years of struggle in medical school, alongside pain,

procrastination and suicidal thoughts, i managed to get my Medical Doctor (MD.) degree. And now, i finally got a job in a hospital. In my country, new medical doctors need to have a one-year period of internship to get a practice licence. It can be in everywhere in my country as long as it has an agreement with the Department of Health. Today, i am assigned to work in the In-Patient Unit. While, before that, i got to do some orientations in the hospital i am assigned to.

Anyway, in this hospital, i kinda feel really alone. Not, because of how i think about my new friends. But, it’s a really new place for me. I am now working in Gresik, a city that is famous for their industries, there are really tons of industries here, while cement and fertilizer being the most famous ones. I really experience new cultures, places that i have never been before, and no one from my college that works in the same place as me, so it gave me a really new experience.

And, before my job, my anxiety and depression started to attack me again. Like, how it used to

happen. I feel easily irritated by some jokes aimed at me. It’s like several months ago, where people tried to match me with someone i actually don’t like. Not that i hate her, but, she’s just not my type. So, that kind of words kinda hurt me and i actually overthink about it. It also leads to my porn addiction relapse, which actually aggravates my mental illness. I was diagnosed with dysthymia since 2017 by a psychiatrist near my home, which is a low-grade (high-functional) depression, but it is really persistent.

So, after several considerations, i decided to talk it out with some of my old friends. My high school friends, and my college friends, about what i feel about my new friends at first. And then, i started to realize that it is me that needs some changing. I need to change how i should react to some jokes aimed at me, not being oversensitive about it. Changing my coping approach and just take it as a joke. Laugh it off, and let it go. As my friend said before,

“Never take it personally. I’ve seen one of my friend who did that. And, it turns catastrophic.”

He also said about how he was like that before. But, he changed his coping approach by suppressing it and take it as a humor. Which is, according to the books that i read, is a mature mechanism.

And then, another friend came at me and say that i need to remember my intention to come here. I remember how i said to her that the reason why i decided to move from Jogja is because i want to change myself. Eventhough, Jogjakarta, the city where i learned to be a doctor, has given me much memories. But, i had a really bad past there, as how my porn addiction exacerbates again and again, there. I don’t want to look at that again. I want to change. And, as i looked up about Gresik, my new home. It is a religious town, known for their Islamic background, while still maintaining their traditional roots. So, i feel like this city can facilitate me to get closer to GOD while finding my purpose of life. I want to get myself involved in so many activities here, so i can move on from this addiction and try to be a better person here.

Yeah, so, i think, i need to focus on my intention. Becoming a better person. Getting myself closer to GOD. Loving myself more. For a better life ahead.

And, for that, I will restart this diary writing habit for multiple days. Re-forming the habit that i have left before. Hope i can continue this constantly. And, pray for me to accomplish that!

Farhan's Final Verdict On Porn

Yogyakarta, Indonesia, 22 March 2018, 10:16 p.m (GMT + 7)

Lately, this week i have been doing great, and currently been porn-free for 5 days. Eventhough, i have been free for searching or even consuming any type of porn media. I still try my best to pursue my comeback at writing. Yeah, i still keep my aspiration to be a writer in the future, eventhough i have already published a book discussing about the danger of Pornography from several aspects, like social and also medical. I still even faced several episodes of relapses. I think, my best streak on being porn-free was 10-12 days, i already forgot, but i know it's been a hard time for me to get it back. So, let's just say, i didn't even live up to what i have written before, and to be honest with you, i felt very upset about it. Maybe, i even have forgotten every lines i wrote in that book.

Today, i am working on my new book. This is all about how i reflect through the worst years in my life. As a medical student that currently undergoes a clinical rotation, i really called 2017 as probably one of the worst years, since maybe, 2010. Yeah, as i have counted, last year, i had about 3-4 suicidal thoughts in one year, mostly come from me overthinking of what people said to me before. Yeah, people often call me useless, stupid, and even they compared me to one part of Dumb and Dumber. Not only that, i still recalled until now, when someone in my clinical rotation group said this to me,

"Even if you are the only man in this world, I prefer to be single! I do hate you!"

Thankfully, the person who said this happens to be someone i hate so much that there is one point where i wish that person died from an attempted murder. But, this horrible statement made me reflect a little bit what if everyone actually said this to me, but they seem afraid to say that because that may hurt me, since that time i am too sensitive for even such words or acts toward me.

Last week, i met with someone, a teacher that i havent met for a long time. Yeah, i was about to collect my assignment after some failed examination program with her. She decided to give me an assignment to complete the exam, but it took me a year to finish it. First, because of my anxiety. Most people always know that this person is such a strict and perfectionist, especially during exam. She always have high expectation that when someone hasnt met it. She will fail them for multiple times. It also happened to me. I think if she failed me and encouraged me to do better with a good word and encouragement, i might be okay with it. But, not for her. She always scolds and angers every people and somehow use high intonation when she speaks. And then, i get depressed for it.

Then, here comes the suicidal thoughts. After each meeting, i always cried and felt pessimistic on whether she would pass me or not. I am not a perfect person, and i dont know if being a doctor will be a future for me. Since then, i started to think whether i really should quit or not. So, i decided to postpone my assignment for almost a year, just to figure everything out. I searched for every department and seeked for the answer.

Until, when the time is up and i got to meet that teacher again, she was still the same person, or let's say slightly worse. She scolded me again and right now, she still thought that i havent recovered from my anxiety and depression. So, she brought me for a Neurobehavior Examination. It was found that i had a severe anxiety and severe depression so she asked me to treat them so she really wanted me to be ready when i face her.

All these horrible situations made me reflect again on what i did wrong. What went wrong with me and how. Right now, i also take hypnotherapy session to make myself better because i knew that i had a little confidence for me. Today, i plan to take the second session. My first one was actually good, i felt something inside me better especially when the therapist asked me to give my mind a balance and suddenly, i thought of writing as a process to create the equilibrium inside.

But, before that, i searched some journal on anxiety and depression while i still fought for that also. I mostly found thst the reason mostly comes from family and environment which hasnt been good since i was young. But, i found a study from Case Western Reverse University, it was stated that those who believed they had an addiction to pornography also experienced psychological issues, like depression, anger, and anxiety.

Eventhough there are several confounding factors beside porn consumption, i often heard people who has been struggling to quit their porn addiction also experienced those things. As for me, i didnt think my porn consumption is a risk factor for all the conundrum that happened. I once consulted to a psychiatrist near home, she told me that i actually have a mental problem called "DYSTHYMIA" or often called as "Persistent Depressive Disorder". That was also the reason why it is easy for me to lose focus, to be sensitive and also to overthink everything that happened to me, even something that is really not important. And, i think, Porn is not the main reason i suffered this kind of problem. Porn is like a precipitating factor, yes, it adds things up to my trait that i have developed since i was a kid. Porn makes me more anxious about what my future will hold, Porn makes me lose spirit and motivation t
o do certain types of actions. Porn always blocks every chance i have to do something productive, like releasing some articles or learning new stuffs. It's kind of obvious since somehow, certain people didnt see any side effects on porn, and still do some own stuff. Even, there are some people who watched porn and actually can control their consumption, hunger or urge to watch them more. But, i am not that person. I am so easy to be controlled by everything, by the response, and also by the effect.

Maybe, if i know some more addictive substances, like alcohols, narcotics, or even cigarettes. I could have consumed it also if a friend of mine forced me to try it and gave me several arguments on how you should try it. Like, maybe, alcohol can solve your problem and make you forget all the bad things that happened before, or cigarettes can make you think clearly and more inspired. That's what my uncle said when i asked him why he always smoke cigarettes. And, actually i could have done that also, since the policy regarding cigarette in Indonesia is not as strict as other countries. That's why in some rural areas, you can actually see kids under my age (i will be 23 this year) smoke cigarettes. But, in the end, i got addicted to Pornography which happens to have the same effects as all the substances. Maybe, most of you still figure out how Porn can give you these effects, but to tell you the truth, when your mind is switched on to watch porn everytime you experienced stress or boredom, or everytime when you have a problem, you end up watching porn. It should be a problem, especially when you spend some hours where you must be productive just by watching porn. It must be a problem. 

Yeah, it must be a problem. 

Starting from today, i am working on to increase my self-confidence. I know that this situation will be tougher than ever, since this is a really great battle i am going to be in. This is all about myself, i know there will be more battles after this, like jobs, financial struggle, or even family. But, right now, to proceed and succeed in life, i need to win this battle. I have gained several assistances from my parents, my family, my close friends, my mentors and teachers to win this battle. But, in the end, i am the one who needs to win it by myself. 

To be a man, you got to beat the man. 

I know, Porn got the best of me. But, right now, let's beat the best of that porn.

Please, pray for me.
Let's start to write again here! I am going to write about my life battles and reflections, not regularly, but i hope i can inspire you in some kind of way

Farhandika Mursyid

THE JOURNEY RESTARTS (Hope my life also)

Yogyakarta, 14 May 2017, 9:41 p.m (GMT+7)

The Journey Restarts! (Day 0)

Yup... i just relapsed. After lots of days struggling, even with my success of publishing a book discussing about my porn addiction story and how i can overcome it. I still ended up with a relapse. For now on, i don't want to talk about the reason why, and also the story behind it. It was a really sad news that i still try best not to rewind this bad moment. I know, it is still normal when you relapse, but let me just reflect this by myself, without discussing anything regarding to it. The reason are mostly the same, whether you are bored, you are stressed or you are alone. Lately, i feel stressed and bored since i am right now in the Anesthesiology Department, and everyday, i have to enter the Operating Theatre to watch an anesthesiologist work. In case you didn't work what anesthesia is, it's like when you are being operated, you will feel some numb. Anesthesiologist actually gave you some medicine that will make you numb. But, it's not always like that. They mostly work in Emergency Unit, or maybe ICU (Intensive Care Unit). And, the night before, i have to go to several wards to do some pre-surgery visits, checking their vital signs, following their latest laboratory results, and educating patient on what to do before, while, and after being operated.

But, not only the journey to beat porn addiction will restart, but also, i really hope one day, my life will restart. I am not talking about suicidal thought in this post. Eventhough, lately, i thought about suicide, i even tried to overconsume painkiller, but i was lucky i didn't end up dying or even feeling any kind of discomfort, since i don't consume many pills, it is like i took about 4 pills. I still feel good since i have several friends that want to help me and will to listen to what i want to achieve. Even, a friend of mine cheered me up by reminding me about a story when i failed and i get back up, and lots of people started to appreciate me then.

Speaking of appreciation, eventhough i already published my first book. I still feel people i don't get much appreciation for doing that. I remember one time several people called me a dumb or a useless person just because of one simple mistake. Yup, one simple mistake. But, right now, i still feel like when they said it, i just need to put a mirror in front of them and tell them "YOU'RE EVEN DUMBER THAN ME! I ALREADY HAVE MY BOOK. WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUH?". But, i know i can't do it, i am not a type of person that can do such kind of thing.

Anyway, back to the title, i really want to restart my life all over again. Right now, i am currently living as a (still) medical student, currently i am now in a clinical rotation phase. It's like after taking an undergraduate degree and earn the "Bachelor of Medicine" degree, you need to get in this clinical rotation for about 2 years, so you can graduate as a doctor, and work in a healthcare facility. So, right now, it took about 1 more year for me to achieve the "Medical Doctor" degree. But, after several considerations, i don't really think being a doctor is a good choice for me. I really enjoy myself as a writer, writing about everything, about music, about entertainment, about health, and about anything else.

I currently have a dream that one day, i will be working as a medical writer in America, taking graduate degree for Medical Journalism in University of North Carolina, or maybe a Public Health Master Degree in Harvard. Because, i really want to be a behind-the-scene guy to improve the health status, not only in my country, but also in the world. I know that being a doctor is a really great profession, since you will be dealing with your patient's wellbeing. But, for me, speaking is not my ability. Besides the medical knowledge and clinical skills, communication (in every aspect of it) is one of the biggest weapon that can give you the character of a great doctor, or let's say FIVE-STAR DOCTOR.

Somehow, i enjoy every moments where some of my friends appreciate my writing content, repost them, and give some constructive feedback, or maybe discuss something about my writing. About 3 hours ago, a famous local radio announcer just bought my first book, and he said that my book is a really good book, especially for an amateur writer that just published a book. I enjoyed them rather than several moments where i met a patient, talk about their diseases, and gave them some education about how to prevent their disease or even symptoms. I don't know why. Not that because i hate sick people, but i just don't want them to be sick. I want them to be always healthy.

Speaking of writing, i already planned to write my second book. I feel really sorry because i can't publish my first book in English, just in Indonesian, because i may have a minor plagiaristic issue with an organisation. And, actually, my first book didn't even sell well, mostly due to lack of promotion from the publisher and also myself. But, it is all good. Mistakes are there to be learned, not to be cried. These mistakes will give you more strength and ability to be a better writer in the future. So, i have made some concepts about my second book. My second book is actually a continuation of my first book, and i planned to write it in English. So, it can also help me enriching my English writing skills, for a better purpose, like possible postgraduate scholarship, or something like that.

My second book will be quite a novel, and the theme may be quite controversial, but it is still related to my first book. I really will discuss about "Love" and "Intimacy" in it. But, of course, i will be writing this in tons of aspects. Social, Health, and many more.

I planned to release it coincidentally with HIV-AIDS Day or maybe Sexual Violence Awareness Day, or any day that has relationship with Sexual Violence, HIV-AIDS, or Sexual Disease. Let's see how this will roll, then. And, don't forget, please pray for me for a better life. Hope i can see myself later as a writer in the future, not a doctor.

I LOVE WRITING!
Please, pray for me!

TURNING POINT!

24 September 2016, 7:08 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 3

Lately, i really feel unmotivated by what i have done in the past couple of months. I've been struggling to beat my porn addiction. I was always on a short cycle. I remembered that my longest streak is actually about 7 days. I have never reached double digits last month. Even my addiction is going even worse. Nearly, i have spent too much on my parents' salary, just for feeding all my urges.

And then, i also have some emotional chats with my father about where the money have gone. Because, i know, right now, i feel like i was controlled by Evil. I spent money on a bad purpose, and i didn't tell him honestly about where the money have gone. I know, if he knew about the truth, he would probably be mad of me. Right now, i wrote this post while i still try to cry for all the mistakes i have done. Because, let's be honest, i really understand how hard it is for my dad to earn money for my family. I am still a student, and i wasn't allowed by my parents to get a job or earn money. They really want me to focus on education. Eventhough, in my deepest heart, i really want to help them earning money. My mother doesn't work, because she wants to focus on keeping me, eventhough for now, i think, it's not even a good decision. I will tell you later on the next post.

At this time, i decided to make a promise, not only to my parents, but also to myself and GOD, that i will NEVER. EVER. SPEND MY MONEY FOR ANY BAD PURPOSE! I ALSO WILL TRY TO QUIT FROM PORNOGRAPHY FOR A REALLY LONG TIME! 

As what some of my mentor has already said, i don't have any specific target for now. I just want to quit as long as i can. And, at least, i want to live a better life, not dealing with porn anymore, as what i have wished in my 21st birthday which is last month. 

Not only the fact that PORN really make me feel bad with my parents, but also right now, my chronic PORN addiction also leads me to losing concentration and motivation to write my book about dealing with PORN ADDICTION. I have decided to finish it on September 19, but even until now, i haven't typed any single page on my computer, eventhough i have written the concepts on some random notes. 

SO, I DECLARED THAT TODAY IS MY TURNING POINT! I REALLY WANT TO QUIT RIGHT NOW!!

PS : For the next 2 weeks, i will be going on a duty, so i may not be blogging during those times. It also means, i can't write any single page of the book again on my computer. I just hope everything will be alright there, because i heard from friends who has been there that. THE NEXT 2 WEEKS WILL BE REALLY BUSY!

Please pray for me guys!

Words Does Hurt

25 May 2016, 7;48 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 0

So, while finding some writing inspirations on Facebook, i found this awesome post about words from my writing friend.

Here is the post --> Words

Let me tell you before, i am not a Christian, but i can really relate on this post, and i really remembered an unsatisfactory experience (we do know, experience is the best teacher) because maybe several weeks ago (i forgot the exact date, i just want to forget it anyway), i have a problem with someone, just because of using a naughty words. I know i used it as a joke, but the reaction seems not. And, i did it to a girl that i had a crush on. DAMN! Let's say her name is Linda (not a real name).

And that moment happened when i relapsed on this Porn Addiction.

Yeah, actually, there is a random post sharing a picture of a cute and beautiful female artist. And i saw Linda commenting like this, "OOH MY GIRL!", like a form of admiration. And then, you all know, i just get messed up that day, so i commented with an explicit word (it's really bad that i feel really regretful if i have to rewind that moment again, the word starts with the letter L, the second one is E). I actually used that word as a joke.

But, yup, that joke went too far. She really hated me, i know maybe she felt bad, she even started posting some series of tweets aiming at me, like saying

"YOU MAY BE GENIUS, BUT IF YOU HAVE BAD ATTITUDE, YOU ARE NOTHING"
(i actually forgot what she tweeted actually, she just locked her twitter account, so i don't have access anymore by the time i wrote this)

Yeah, i already make her hate me right now. Maybe, i think, if i could met her at that time, she could probably feel really heartbroken and just getting enraged at me. Or, maybe, she might throw some heavy objects or maybe sharp objects wishing to see me dead.

The worse thing is i almost think of calling her a "B-word" or "S-word" (you know, word that starts with a letter B and S that is really inappropriate if you say to every women in the world. EXCEPT, if you are working in industries related to sex or pornography)

I already felt bad about myself after that. I could have said something better, but i just did something really really wrong. Our relationship is really over, she blocked me on social media, and maybe right now, she started to take me as a really bad person. Even when i did something good right now, she might stereotype me as a bad one. 

We all know, people can forgive but people will never forget, as long as they still have brains. They are always connected to every significant memories they have.

I also lost some of my friends due to WORDS.

WORDS ARE REALLY SHARP. YUP, REAL SHARP!

This event really proved that Words are even harder than Swords right now. So, let's just start with all positive words right now. If you are still on social media, think before you post. People have different approach on your words. Maybe, they are fine with your joke, but not all. Some of them may take it seriously, and report to the police for violating the rules. In Indonesia, post that has a mocking tone could probably end up in a jail. 

THERE ARE LOTS OF CASES ABOUT BEING PRISONED DUE TO A SOCIAL MEDIA POST. I MEAN IT, A LOT!

YEAH, Words are really like Swords. It is good if you use it in a good way, like cutting something. But, it can harm everyone even yourself if you use it vice versa. 

Use your empathy

Tongue does have no bone, it's an Indonesian famous proverb. It's not gonna be useful or harmful by itself, you are the one who decides it.

GOOD EVENING EVERYONE!

ABOUT TO START YOUTUBE!

18 March 2016, 8:46 p.m (GMT+7)

So, lately, i've been getting bored all the time, yeah, my academic session actually just ended, but i have to wait for a test that will be done on middle of April, and the test is actually a remediation of one test that i failed, it's actually a skill test though, so i just need to learn about the procedure, and practice it and yeah, still getting bored.

Lately, i've been trying myself to do some writings but i ended up getting writer's block, eventhough in the last 2 weeks, i just made a buzz by making my 2 writings about hip-hop become "HEADLINE ARTICLE" in a larger site, called Kompasiana. It's actually a blogging site, free for everyone to access and write in that site. And, seriously, i made 2 HEADLINES!! My writings have become discussion from everyone inside Indonesian hip-hop scene. Even after those writings, my Facebook just got more friend requests from rappers or at least, some hip-hop fans. It's good for me but sometimes, it kinda gives me more pressure to write something better. So, i started to do a review writings for some hip-hop songs that newly drop. I need to increase my ability in hip-hop, since people right now think that i am already "mastering" in hip-hop, but honestly, i have never dropped anything related to hip-hop. Songs, Lyrics, Beats, or whatever the components..

Yeah, as you know that boredom and stress gave you more urges, so 2-3 days ago, i just relapsed due to my disability to handle that. Since that relapse, i started to get my writer's block BACK!! I really don't know what to write or at least, how to start my writing, it's bad!!

And right now, i just think of anything else to motivate me on staying productive! AND YEAH!! I JUST GOT AN IDEA.. I WILL START MAKING YOUTUBE VIDEOS, or at least, VLOGS!! I will be sharing what my YouTube channel is about.

So, wait for it, folks!

5/100 : ME ON VALENTINE'S DAY

14 February 2015, 8:30 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 5 of 100

So, today is 14 February! AND, TODAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY!!

YEAAAY!! YEAAY!! YEE........... (i am still single, :"""""( *cries)

Anyway, in my lovely country, there has been some controversies against Valentine's Day. Since, the majority of us are Muslim, and most people who celebrates Valentine's Day are Christian, or i think, it has something related with Christianity, i don't know actually, just feel free to correct me.

Even there is a movement called "I Am Muslim and I Say No To Valentine", which i think it's really bullshit and against the tolerance. As you know, Indonesia is a country which has lots of ethnics, races, and of course, cultures, and religions. We actually have 6 religions which are accepted by our government. And, of course, we live together in tolerance as we are already taught by our ideology.

Of course, i don't celebrate Valentine's Day, i am not against it, but i just think it doesn't make sense to celebrate it, one of the reason is because i am still single (i am not dating any girl, eventhough i almost, but yeah. ALMOST IS NEVER ENOUGH!!)

Let me give the better explanation, also from my own perspective.

Mostly, on Valentine's Day, people state their love and give some presents, mostly chocolate, flowers, or some pink objects. I just think that if people celebrate Valentine's Day just to give those things, i think, why should we wait for Valentine's Day, while we can even give them everyday? or at least we can just give them whenever you want!

You can even state your love to someone whenever you want, because LOVE IS A RACE!

So, one more time, i am not against Valentine's Day, but i am not going to celebrate Valentine's Day like what most people do, eventhough i remembered 2 years ago, i got a chocolate from a girl (she has dated with friend, though)

Happy Valentine's Day
Everyday the 14th!!

Anyway, Valentine's Day can also lead to some possible sexual relationships, just don't do unsafe sex, or at least, don't even visit porn if you are single!!

4/100 : GAINING SOME WEIGHTS! (+Evaluation

13 February 2016, 8:28 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 4

So, basically, i just want to do some food delivery today, and i just realized that i've been so much food lately these days. It even makes me feel some kind of way.. I mean, bad!

Yeah,  i feel really afraid on my body image, because i don't want to get fatter because it is just dangerous for our health (you know, i am right now in obese image, and i want to get off that image, because obesity can lead you to some metabolic diseases)

So, i decided to check on my body weight, and EXACTLY!! I JUST GAINED SOME WEIGHTS!! My weight just increased for about 2 kgs, it is like 4 pounds or something. And of course, i feel bad about it!

I don't feel bad because i hate being fat people, but i just hate being unhealthy people. If i check on my BMI (body mass index), right now, i am in obese status, which has more risks to get some metabolic diseases, like diabetes, stroke, heart attack, or maybe CANCER! You all know that cancer is a really dangerous disease that can kill anyone! I already wrote this on my last posts (i guess)

Anyway, right now, i decided to evaluate on why i gained some weights!

First, i eat lots of snacks! And also eat lots of foods, i didn't eat healthy foods, i just ate some junk foods

Second, i seldom take physical activity, or maybe with less intensity

Third, i don't check my weight frequently (i used to check it everyday, but today, i even forgot to check it)

Anyway, tomorrow, i will be joining a seminar about how to get healthy, i just hope it will motivate me to be a better in life, and also to have 24 hours of better life!!

I am just thinking maybe i should get some laxatives or something, so i might probably go for some anorexia nervosa. But, yeah, i just want to look healthy! THAT'S IT!!

0/100 : NEW FORMAT!

10 February 2016, 1:30 p.m (GMT+7)

0/100

If you're reading this, i just relapsed several hours ago, this is my Day 1 anyway.. still struggling for it, but, i also found another new tactics to beat this Porn Addiction, it's crazy, because after that relapse, i can't really get back up from the "pain" of relapse.

I really want to succeed during the struggle, so far, my best record was 45 days. There are lots of urges coming at me, and i can't really let it go.

But, as i told you earlier, i just got another new tactics. I will tell you in the next post, that will be coming hours later! or maybe, minutes later! Because right now, i am sitting inside internet cafe.. and getting my inspiration on.

LET'S DO THIS!!!

Anyway, i changed my format, because i want to target for 100 days! Pray for me!

DAY 5 : LEARNING FROM CREED

8 February 2016, 7:52 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 5

Lately, i've been feeling a little bit of unmotivated to write something. I finally got my motivation on. I used to find some inspirations from some movies, or maybe videos, not only news of course.

And, yesterday, i just finished watching a good movie, it's titled Creed. If some of you didn't know, it's actually kind of a spinoff from a famous boxing movie, Rocky. The storyline is taken several years later, i think, in the Rocky IV, it was found that Rocky's long-time mentor and rival, Apollo Creed died after some terrible boxing accidents, he was beaten fatally by Ivan Drago on an exhibition match (Damn!)

Several years later, it was found out that Apollo Creed has a biological son, named Adonis. He also had a good talent in boxing while before working in a good company. Adonis decided to quit the job and pursue his talent in boxing, continuing his biological father's legacy. He also met Rocky (also starred by Sylvester Stallone) and asked whether he could train for Rocky, and he accepted it knowing that Adonis is his mentor's son.

After several training and exercises, Adonis finally had a chance to join the boxing match, and he won the match, and caught people's attention, especially about his relationship with Apollo Creed. It also caught the attention from the World Champion, "Pretty" Ricky Conlan, it finally ended in the championship match between both of them. The media and people already underestimated Adonis, thinking that he is just a spitting image of his father, and also a mistake, since he also hadn't met his father.. all his life

The underestimation also continued during the awaited match, people predicted that Adonis will last less than 12 rounds, or get knocked out by Conlan. This is where the good thing happens, Adonis really struggled so much, trained harder and harder to win. At that match, Adonis traded lots of punches with Conlan, and the spectators started to give respect for Adonis. And in the 11th round, Adonis fell after receiving heavy punch from Conlan, but, it didn't turn out well for the Champion because Adonis decided not to give up, and even he still wanted to continue for 12th round and said this

"I just want to prove them that i'm not a mistake"

These words are so good, it even made Rocky saluted him so much, even gave him some motivations to fight against his cancer.

So, the last round is still on, and it is a BIG SURPRISE!! By all the hard work, finally he made Conlan fell down! But, Conlan still stood up and he declared the winner and still remained his championship belt.

Yeah, Ricky Conlan wins the fight, but really, Adonis Creed wins the night for not giving up and still doing his best and making a really sensational performance! Adonis even got saluted by Conlan for his incredible performance

This movie teaches us that during every struggle, we don't need to give up easily from many obstacles. We should face it, in the best way we can, whatever we lose or we win, they will appreciate what you've done and maybe, they salute you.

I also will use this message during my NoFap struggle, because i think, for this effort, i may have lots of obstacles, or we can just say as "urges". I got so many urges  on my 5 days struggle, i still make my best to overcome it. The urges may be getting bigger and bigger, so did Adonis, he will see bigger obstacles after that.

I really like this movie, i think it should have been nominated for Oscars 2016 (you know, the nominations are so controversial, #OscarsSoWhite), it is also a really good spinoff for Rocky. I also found out that the man who played Ricky Conlan in this movie is also a professional boxer, lol!

But, yeah, watch this movie and get motivated, for 24 hours of better life!

DAY 2 : MY NEW FUTURE DREAM

5 February 2016, 8;54 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 2

Hello guys! I'm about to pass my second day of free PMO! Lately, i have been feeling lots of urges today. I really can't get over it, it's even hard for me to take a nap today, but THANKS GOD!! I managed to save from my heavy urge. So, yeah, the struggle is still on!

Anyway, right now, i started to use this blog and maybe, my other blog (it's in Indonesian, though) to deliver my message on porn addiction, because i think, i just find my new future dream, which is to be a writer! I really want to share my experience on overcoming porn addiction, my friend suggested me to use my writing for some bigger media. I just actually registered myself as a writer in Fight The New Drug, you can visit them here, i hope i got accepted  to write for that site.

I also decided to start writing for my Indonesian blog, and also in Indonesian language, because i think that, to start making influences, you need to really start from the small thing, yeah, i mean, start from my country, or maybe my city. Because, i know, there are lots of porn addicts out there in my country, as we can see eventhough the access to pornography sites is blocked, they can still access porn from so many ways. Even we can still access porn sites on Internet cafe, or even there are some twitter accounts to share some sexy model photos, or share some adult video links.

And, not only that, in my university, there is also a graduation paper discussing about the study case of people who watches Japan Adult Video (JAV), that porn genre is actually kind of big in my country, since we also like Japan culture (i just like the music and drama, though, but i still want to go there).

I also wish one day i will start creating an organization to inform Indonesian people about the danger of porn addiction, i know it will gain some attacks from some man's magazines (anyway, we have lots, but most are distributed on the Internet), yeah, because we know that porn is right now a new drug, there is no specific place or room for porn addict to rehabilitate in my country, and i want to be the first one to make it.. I wish one day.

Amen.

DAY 1 : DISEASE ALSO COMES FROM THE SOUL!!!

4 February 2016, 6:50 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 1

Let's just say, i haven't completely finished my Day 1 yet. But, yeah, i just want to put this as my Day 1 post though, since i just think, I WILL FINISH MY DAY 1. I feel really optimistic on it, i just re-download my application i used when i reached 45 DAY STREAK!!

Anyway, today, i decided to read a book i bought for about 1-2 months ago (i guess), it's actually called "99 Inspirasi Petang untuk Setiap Muslim", or you can just translate it as "99 Evening Inspiration for A Muslim", but actually, it's not only for Muslim, i think, some other religions can use the message from these books as well, because i think, we can get the message logically.

One of the pages i read is about the disease and how it relates with our soul, i am also writing this to commemorate World Cancer Day. Since Cancer has become a really dangerous disease for everyone, and people are really afraid to get that. There are lots of famous people who died after battling with cancer, like Steve Jobs, or more recently, the legendary musician, David Bowie. We also know that cancer is actually caused by something might be wrong with our immune system.

It's not even something new anymore that there are some medical complaints that are mainly caused by our psychologic condition, this is called as "psychosomatic disease", like joint pain, muscle cramps, abdominal cramps, or even hypertension, or headache. Even the doctor in my country can't access them well, it kinda sucks, because psychosomatic disease is actually the most disease that is often consulted in our primary health care (note for me!)

Anyway, what is the relation with our soul and cancer?

Let's be real honest. Some medical researches have shown a correlation within our soul condition and immune system. When we get angry, our immune system might be depressed, so that's why we can easily catch some diseases just because we get angry or maybe we get depressed over something. or maybe even if we have bad characters, such as being apathic, negative thinking, or always feel lonely. This can possibly lead you to some chronic diseases, like diabetes, heart disease, hepatitis, or even cancer. So, yeah, keep your feeling and thinking positive!!

And of course, i can really relate this to my NoFap struggle, because porn addiction can sometimes cause you stress (especially after you relapsed), feel guilty, apathic, negative thinking, easily sensitive. It also can decrease your immune system as well, so i can just say that porn addiction can indirectly lead you to cancer. I say it, INDIRECT!!! NOT DIRECT!!!

So, yeah, watch out! Maintain your soul condition, not only your physical condition, because disease can also come from the soul, not just the body!!

Have a good struggle and let's fight together for the 24 hours of better life!!

DAY 0 : A BIG REVEAL!

4 February 2016, 10:26 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 0. Anyway, i just relapsed (again). and as what i have promised before, i decided to reveal about my addiction. But, anyway, i didn't reveal it on my Facebook, i decided to reveal that on Twitter instead, i still reveal on Facebook, but, by private message to some of my best friends.

"I SWEAR TO GOD...I WILL NEVER RELAPSE ANYMORE!!! TODAY WILL BE MY LAST RELAPSE!!
IF I RELAPSE, I WILL TELL OPENLY ABOUT MY PORN ADDICTION ON FACEBOOK!!"

You can read my post here, but it's in Indonesian..

I still have kind of traumatic feeling, because of what just happened several years ago, when i asked my friend for help to quit my porn addiction. I told it to some of them, but unfortunately, it was spread throughout the school, and some of my friends called me "hypersex".

But, for right now, i revealed it for several reasons. One of them is i am not afraid right now for whatever risks it may take! I know, some people will probably hate me because i have this kind of addiction, but for me, i don't really care that much. Because, i know, it's better to be hated for telling the truth rather than to be loved for telling the lies. Sometimes, we know that truth may hurt you, but it's just a temporary pain, as long as i still struggle and thrive for my best, i will get out of it, and they even start to forget it.

Right now, i decided to start writing again in the last format i used to have when i reached 45 days of quitting. I know, it will be a really long and strong journey, but i know, one day, i will have my biggest smile if i succeed, i can see the possible advantage. I also feel sick today, so i guess, GOD has already deleted my sins, or let's just say, it's kind of a punishment to what i have done in the past, so i just want to see the bright side.

I also installed applications that i always use during my NoFap struggle, because i know, it's gonna worth in the end. I decided to do counting days again because i think it's the best method for me.

LET'S START AGAIN FROM DAY 0!!

TAKING DRIVING LESSONS..

28 January 2016, 11:29 a.m (GMT+7)

Good afternoon folks from Indonesia! Anyway, i am just having a good day, while i find out, i just got a good mark from my previous courses!! YEAAAY!!

Yeah, still need to wait for the other courses, so i could probably get my GPA >3.5, which means i will graduate with cum laude. Anyway, right now, i don't have classes anymore, because i already finished my academic process. I am supposed to have a graduation ceremony on May. But, i need to wait for my clinical rotation, i mean, the date, or whether i am qualified to join the First Phase of Clinical Rotation. If i passed, i will join it on March. Looking forward to them!

To fulfill my spare time, right now, i am taking some lessons, like writing lessons (like i supposed to do), and also.. DRIVING LESSONS!! Yeah! I just bought a car, or let's say, i was bought a car by my parents, yeah, it's good, because i need to have a car for my Clinical Rotation, since i will be going everywhere, so i need some good vehicles. I used to ride my motorcycle, but i can't use it for long-distance importance.

Actually, the last time i took driving lesson was about 1,5 year ago. And, i decided to take again since i need to be able to drive my new car, it's still fresh outta garage, though. Anyway, this is my second day, i supposed to take driving lessons for about 1 week for now. So, i can bring my own car real quick, of course, maybe with some errors (let's just say, minor accidents, but let's make it to zero).

During the lesson, my instructor told me that the importance when it comes to driving is the calmness and concentration. Those are my biggest weakness in life, i can't keep calm, and also i can't concentrate well, that's why during my several struggle to beat my porn addiction, i experienced so many relapses. I really can't concentrate well also, that also blocks me to post something on my blog (i supposed to write something 2 days ago, but it wasn't released even, my bad). I just hope i can master my driving skills and also master my concentration skills.

Concentration and calmness are also needed for me as a medical students (or let's just say doctor wannabe). we need a really good concentration while handling some medical cases that needed a really accurate approach, and also calmness to make us remain professional to the patient's family. I just hope that these courses will indirectly help me to increase my concentration and calmness skills.

So, right now, let's advance for my better life, then!!

IT'S BETTER THIS WAY

Friday, 22 January 2016

8 : 09 p.m (GMT + 7)

Today, i just finished my first day of re-struggling for this NoFap.. yeah, i mean, getting rid of my porn addiction. It was a really tough day, the urge is getting stronger. It is really hard because after successfully become abstinence for 45 days, i experienced so many relapses. Even in the first month, i relapsed 3 times.

Yeah, it is really bad for me since right now, i am targeting to have my 95% days of 2016 without porn, so far i relapsed 3 times, it means i have 3 days of porn. It is kind of bad start because we didnt finish first month f 2016 and i have been exposed to porn for 3 days. i started to get pessimistic on my target.

But, it is still the first month of 2016, there are still 11 months left, so, i still need to struggle more on my target, and for that, i checked on how i succeeded to reach 45 days free porn. And i think that i succeeded because of my writing habit. At that time, i used to write everything i feel, i experienced, i read, or whatever comes to my mind. I also shared this to some of my accountable friends, i always participate in NoFap-related group even join the YouTube hangout (i wish i still have it).

By doing those activities, i feel more triggered to do positive things, more than when i used to relapse 2 months ago. When i relapsed on addiction, i was too lazy to do activities, like writing, i didn't even write ahy single blog at all, while experimenting on another way to NoFap, and.. i failed..

Yeah, i think, writing is still the best way for me to succeed again in NoFap, and also to reach better life..
And right now i am back writing stuff, because for me... it's better this way..

NEW MORNING! NEW STRUGGLE!

Thursday, 21 January 2016

05:19 a.m (GMT+7)

Good morning folks. I just woke up after large hours of sleep. Lately, i feel so depressed after failing one of my exam. At least, i failed a chance to get a cumlaude. It also made me relapse yesterday. And it made me more... depressed..

It took me about hours to cure from my depression. I even had a small fight with my mother, and i just found out that the curse is BACK!! I mean, like, 1 year ago, if i relapsed my addiction, i will have a small fight with my mom, the fight is not related with my porn addiction. It can come from any source, maybe my laziness, or my stupid acts, or whatever. My mom will get angered at me. Lately, i didn't feel the curse on my latest relapses. But, now, i feel it again!!

So, last night, i chatted on one WHATSAPP group with this,

"I SWEAR TO GOD...

I WILL NEVER RELAPSE ANYMORE!!! TODAY WILL BE MY LAST RELAPSE!!

IF I RELAPSE, I WILL TELL OPENLY ABOUT MY PORN ADDICTION ON FACEBOOK!!"

Thank GOD they are supporting my acts, so i feel really great eventhough my depression didn't go as expected. So, i decided to take lots of sleep, since i heard from a proverb saying that "pillows will solve your problems".

And right now, it's already in the morning, i started again my struggle to beat my porn addiction. I decided to write again, so i can express what i feel and i hope i can still inspire lots of people to quit my porn addiction..

About the revealing, i have a plan to do it after one month of success. Please pray for me!

NEW MORNING, NEW STRUGGLE!!

GOD, I SHOULD HAVE ASKED MORE FROM YOU...

Wednesday, 20 January 2016,

10:44 a.m (GMT +7)

I just finished three of my five big examinations. And, right now, i just finished my third big exam. It's just remediations, i mean.. a test to repair my bad mark. I did well on my 2 exams before, but my third one didn't work well.

Let's just say... I failed to increase my mark..

And the bad news for me is after doing some calculations, i am about to fail to reach my target, right before i entered university, i have a target to reach GPA > 3.5 (out of 4 of course), that's also the requirement to reach cum laude. I really want to make my parents proud, or everything. Even if i succeeded on the rest 2 of my exams, i still can't save my mark. So, i feel really bad for it.

But, yeah, at least, i am still proud of myself because i worked really hard, but after doing some reflections, i realized that i didn't include GOD in my activities. I mean, like.. I didn't include GOD more in this. Just a little, because i am sure i can do it. That's why i didn't score good on the third exam.

GOD, forgive me for the bullshit i have done so far.. I should have asked more from you...

SOCIAL MEDIA IS SOMETIMES.... CRAZY

8 January 2016, 08:26 p.m (GMT+7)

If you're reading this, maybe i want to express some rage, or some concerns, i am sorry if maybe, some of you guys will feel irritated or... whatever..

I know, right now, i am on my Day 8 of this NoFap challenge, and for some reasons, when you are on the first week, you started to get some kind of sensitive or anger from some sources you may not predict.

Yeah, folks.. You know, i have been on social media or a really long time, like almost half my age.. my first encounter on social media is on Friendster, i started to be active on Friendster since 2008, and right now, i have joined lots of social media, let's say Twitter (you may know from this blog that i have twitter), Facebook, Instagram, kik, Line, Whatsapp, etc.

But, the funny thing about my social media life is i have lots of friends on social media comparing to my real life, like that's why for some reasons, i love spending time on social media, chatting with my friends who i have never seen. So, for some reasons also, you may never know about your friends' characters, or maybe face languages or even voice tones (somehow it also determines your personality), since it's just full of chats, texts, or maybe... emoticons

So, here is the story why i feel irritated on social media!

2 days ago, i just replied my close friend's tweet, on that tweet he said,

"Do you really know that my celebrity crush will have his birthday 202 days later?"

I jokingly replied,

"I don't care"

I think, my friend know about my tweeting style, since we used to have chats on twitter or maybe on some messengers and i used the same style, like even when i joked around my close friend, i sometimes forgot to add "hehe" or "lol" or some happy emoticons when i joke.

example : "I don't care... hehe", you know... i just want to make my tweet more effective.. lol

And, minutes later, he subliminally dissed me on his next tweets (i mean threw a shot at me on twitter), and the bad thing is his friend also responded by throwing another shots at me. I mean, like.. seriously??

Reading his tweet made me kind of shocked, i mean, like.. If you think, i did something wrong to you via twitter, just send me a private message, and ask for clarification. You can't just conclude something easily and you tweeted some shots at me, dissing me like that.

So, after that, we decided to chat each other just for the clarification, i started the chat though, so i just want to make everything clear, before we started a fight, just because a stupid tweet. And, he said that he felt really irritated just because of my response to his tweet. So, yeah, we decided to apologize each other, but honestly, i already lose my respect on him, or maybe, let's just say, my respect towards him has decreased after that tragedy.

From this lesson, i just found out that people have different approaches when it comes to social media.

There is the one who always posts everything around him/her, like feelings, or maybe about activities
There is also the one who posts without mentioning everyone (i hate this guy, sometimes i used to do it)
There is also the one who posts some meaningful stuff, like opinions, or maybe facts

And, on social media, we can't know whether the person is joking or not, we don't know the characteristic of each other, we don't know also about how the person really looks like in the real life. As you know, there are lots of person who got cheated on social media. So, i think, from now on, be careful when you post something on social media, so you won't feel the same experience as me. Right now, i am still thinking about that event that i started to dislike him as person.

Yeah, you know, social media is sometimes.... crazy
Just decrease your time there, and focus on something productive

WELCOME 2016 : REFLECTION AND RESOLUTION

1 January 2016, 0:03 p.m (GMT+7)

FINALLY.. WE ALREADY REACHED 2016!!

I think, some people on social media will post like this..
"First .... in 2016"  for those who has already celebrated New Years, like my country

or maybe "Last .... in 2015" for those who is still on 2015. Anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016!

Maybe, some of you, readers are preparing for lots of stuff in the New Years' Eve, but we didn't celebrate it here, eventhough around my house, there are lots of fireworks.. But, we really don't care about New Year, i think, it should not be celebrated that much, like going on festival or some noisy places, or screaming "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!"

Because, every new thing, or new milestone, or whatever, contained two things, which are REFLECTION AND RESOLUTION

REFLECTION is yeah, we have to look back on what we already have done in 2015, whether it's good or bad. We have to take notes on every significant thing, so we can learn.

I think, 2015 had good and bad memories in me.

The good thing is i started this blog, get lots of positive feedbacks about this blog, finished my thesis, almost had a girlfriend, So, yeah, let's remember good things behind..

While, the bad thing is i got low grades often, relapsed often, anyway, i relapsed on the last day of 2015, so yeah, today is not the Day 1 of 2016, and also Day 1 of my new NoFap cycle.. 

So, from these mistakes, i think, the only way for me to succeed in this NoFap struggle is by getting busy, this is why i realized i need to manage my blog again, it's been a really long time not blogging. So, i am deciding myself to come back! But, not only i will blog here, i will also write on some sites, and maybe, make YouTube videos about everything..

Anyway, if you realized something, i also changed my blog title, because i just want to be better day by day, not just quitting this Pornography addiction. So, maybe, i can just give you some motivational quotes or lesson i can take from everything. My YouTube channels will also be titled the same, but due to some busy activities, maybe, my YouTube videos will only have low quality videos, but.. yeah, it is not about the quality, but it's about the message inside the video, so i don't really care that much.

Okay, so after taking notes and reflection on what we just experienced in 2015, here comes the RESOLUTION! Yeah!! We are talking about targets we hope to achieven in 2016. We can put high target, but yeah, let's make our wish real. Note what you really want to achieve in 2016, you don't need to put high target, just put some small significant targets and work hard for it!!

So, of course, i personally have RESOLUTION FOR 2016! Here are mine!

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION 2016 (so far)

1. I want to make this year as a 95-100% NoFap year, it means that i want to make about 95-100% of days in 2016 as a NoFap, it means that i won't do something related to this PMO thing, i mean Porn, Masturbation, and Orgasm

2. I want to graduate this year and also advance to the next phase of my college, which is CLINICAL ROTATION. I want to at least, know about some diseases i will face in the primary care setting, and also i want to succeed in all exams i will face in 2016.

3. I am targeting for 100 posts in every blogs i managed, including this blog, my personal blog, and the sites i am planning to contribute (it's in Indonesian, anyway, but i will write somehting on English)

4. I am targeting for 30-40 YouTube videos on my channel, anyway, maybe this year, i am planning to buy a new laptop, since my laptop right now quite damaged.. hehe, so maybe i can do editing and stuff.

5. I am planning to write a book about health, or maybe, about my struggle to beat pornography..

So far, these are my resolutions, still got more to come maybe, after thinking.. I just wake up after preparing for an exam, actually still need to face some more exams on this month. So, please PRAY FOR ME!!

THAT'S IT FROM ME!!'

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016 and MAY 2016 BE WITH US!!

Amin..