THE JOURNEY RESTARTS (Hope my life also)

Yogyakarta, 14 May 2017, 9:41 p.m (GMT+7)

The Journey Restarts! (Day 0)

Yup... i just relapsed. After lots of days struggling, even with my success of publishing a book discussing about my porn addiction story and how i can overcome it. I still ended up with a relapse. For now on, i don't want to talk about the reason why, and also the story behind it. It was a really sad news that i still try best not to rewind this bad moment. I know, it is still normal when you relapse, but let me just reflect this by myself, without discussing anything regarding to it. The reason are mostly the same, whether you are bored, you are stressed or you are alone. Lately, i feel stressed and bored since i am right now in the Anesthesiology Department, and everyday, i have to enter the Operating Theatre to watch an anesthesiologist work. In case you didn't work what anesthesia is, it's like when you are being operated, you will feel some numb. Anesthesiologist actually gave you some medicine that will make you numb. But, it's not always like that. They mostly work in Emergency Unit, or maybe ICU (Intensive Care Unit). And, the night before, i have to go to several wards to do some pre-surgery visits, checking their vital signs, following their latest laboratory results, and educating patient on what to do before, while, and after being operated.

But, not only the journey to beat porn addiction will restart, but also, i really hope one day, my life will restart. I am not talking about suicidal thought in this post. Eventhough, lately, i thought about suicide, i even tried to overconsume painkiller, but i was lucky i didn't end up dying or even feeling any kind of discomfort, since i don't consume many pills, it is like i took about 4 pills. I still feel good since i have several friends that want to help me and will to listen to what i want to achieve. Even, a friend of mine cheered me up by reminding me about a story when i failed and i get back up, and lots of people started to appreciate me then.

Speaking of appreciation, eventhough i already published my first book. I still feel people i don't get much appreciation for doing that. I remember one time several people called me a dumb or a useless person just because of one simple mistake. Yup, one simple mistake. But, right now, i still feel like when they said it, i just need to put a mirror in front of them and tell them "YOU'RE EVEN DUMBER THAN ME! I ALREADY HAVE MY BOOK. WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUH?". But, i know i can't do it, i am not a type of person that can do such kind of thing.

Anyway, back to the title, i really want to restart my life all over again. Right now, i am currently living as a (still) medical student, currently i am now in a clinical rotation phase. It's like after taking an undergraduate degree and earn the "Bachelor of Medicine" degree, you need to get in this clinical rotation for about 2 years, so you can graduate as a doctor, and work in a healthcare facility. So, right now, it took about 1 more year for me to achieve the "Medical Doctor" degree. But, after several considerations, i don't really think being a doctor is a good choice for me. I really enjoy myself as a writer, writing about everything, about music, about entertainment, about health, and about anything else.

I currently have a dream that one day, i will be working as a medical writer in America, taking graduate degree for Medical Journalism in University of North Carolina, or maybe a Public Health Master Degree in Harvard. Because, i really want to be a behind-the-scene guy to improve the health status, not only in my country, but also in the world. I know that being a doctor is a really great profession, since you will be dealing with your patient's wellbeing. But, for me, speaking is not my ability. Besides the medical knowledge and clinical skills, communication (in every aspect of it) is one of the biggest weapon that can give you the character of a great doctor, or let's say FIVE-STAR DOCTOR.

Somehow, i enjoy every moments where some of my friends appreciate my writing content, repost them, and give some constructive feedback, or maybe discuss something about my writing. About 3 hours ago, a famous local radio announcer just bought my first book, and he said that my book is a really good book, especially for an amateur writer that just published a book. I enjoyed them rather than several moments where i met a patient, talk about their diseases, and gave them some education about how to prevent their disease or even symptoms. I don't know why. Not that because i hate sick people, but i just don't want them to be sick. I want them to be always healthy.

Speaking of writing, i already planned to write my second book. I feel really sorry because i can't publish my first book in English, just in Indonesian, because i may have a minor plagiaristic issue with an organisation. And, actually, my first book didn't even sell well, mostly due to lack of promotion from the publisher and also myself. But, it is all good. Mistakes are there to be learned, not to be cried. These mistakes will give you more strength and ability to be a better writer in the future. So, i have made some concepts about my second book. My second book is actually a continuation of my first book, and i planned to write it in English. So, it can also help me enriching my English writing skills, for a better purpose, like possible postgraduate scholarship, or something like that.

My second book will be quite a novel, and the theme may be quite controversial, but it is still related to my first book. I really will discuss about "Love" and "Intimacy" in it. But, of course, i will be writing this in tons of aspects. Social, Health, and many more.

I planned to release it coincidentally with HIV-AIDS Day or maybe Sexual Violence Awareness Day, or any day that has relationship with Sexual Violence, HIV-AIDS, or Sexual Disease. Let's see how this will roll, then. And, don't forget, please pray for me for a better life. Hope i can see myself later as a writer in the future, not a doctor.

I LOVE WRITING!
Please, pray for me!

You're Not Bad. You're Just Not Learning Good

Monday, 1 August 2016. 5:32 p.m (GMT+7)

Good evening, friends. Right now, i have to restart my NoFap journey again. This is my Day 1, because i relapsed yesterday after fighting with lots of urges and withdrawal syndromes (about to write about it later on my next post).

For last several days, i have a problem with my friends surrounding me. It's not that i hate them. I love them. But, the problem is.. i have this feeling of being inferior. It's like, i feel like everyone right now hates me or maybe talks bad things around me. I feel like they don't want to be around me for a reason. I also have suicidal thoughts lately.

In the end, i feel like i am a very bad person for them. Even there is one person talked openly to me that she always puts negative thoughts on me. I think like maybe, she represented what some of them think about me.

I don't know what to do after that words. I tried to talk to everyone else right now. But, i can't. Seems like i have trust issues right now with everyone, even my parents. I also feel like i didn't get much support from everyone right now.

But, thankfully, i still get a few that wants to listen to what my lung wants to scream right now. And, one of them gave me such an amazing solution.

He said this,
"It's okay to make mistakes, it's a learning process. Don't be stressed and don't feel so inferior when you make it. I know some people will take you as a bad person if you don't make a good outcome. But, actually, you are not bad, you are just not prepared for it. So, one day, just be prepared for everything that may happen to you when you do something.

So, learn in a good way. Learn from the mistakes you do."

I feel like this is a really good advice. I still think i haven't learned much from any mistake i have done in the past. So, that's why i keep doing almost the same mistake. I have to decrease the chance for mistake right now, so one day i can be a better person.

And also, i just want to have my own motivation again. I just don't want to feel like inferior to all the friends i know. I also need to learn again from the mistakes i have done in my NoFap journey so i won't relapse again.... and again....

Please pray for me, my friends!

4/100 : GAINING SOME WEIGHTS! (+Evaluation

13 February 2016, 8:28 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 4

So, basically, i just want to do some food delivery today, and i just realized that i've been so much food lately these days. It even makes me feel some kind of way.. I mean, bad!

Yeah,  i feel really afraid on my body image, because i don't want to get fatter because it is just dangerous for our health (you know, i am right now in obese image, and i want to get off that image, because obesity can lead you to some metabolic diseases)

So, i decided to check on my body weight, and EXACTLY!! I JUST GAINED SOME WEIGHTS!! My weight just increased for about 2 kgs, it is like 4 pounds or something. And of course, i feel bad about it!

I don't feel bad because i hate being fat people, but i just hate being unhealthy people. If i check on my BMI (body mass index), right now, i am in obese status, which has more risks to get some metabolic diseases, like diabetes, stroke, heart attack, or maybe CANCER! You all know that cancer is a really dangerous disease that can kill anyone! I already wrote this on my last posts (i guess)

Anyway, right now, i decided to evaluate on why i gained some weights!

First, i eat lots of snacks! And also eat lots of foods, i didn't eat healthy foods, i just ate some junk foods

Second, i seldom take physical activity, or maybe with less intensity

Third, i don't check my weight frequently (i used to check it everyday, but today, i even forgot to check it)

Anyway, tomorrow, i will be joining a seminar about how to get healthy, i just hope it will motivate me to be a better in life, and also to have 24 hours of better life!!

I am just thinking maybe i should get some laxatives or something, so i might probably go for some anorexia nervosa. But, yeah, i just want to look healthy! THAT'S IT!!

IT'S BETTER THIS WAY

Friday, 22 January 2016

8 : 09 p.m (GMT + 7)

Today, i just finished my first day of re-struggling for this NoFap.. yeah, i mean, getting rid of my porn addiction. It was a really tough day, the urge is getting stronger. It is really hard because after successfully become abstinence for 45 days, i experienced so many relapses. Even in the first month, i relapsed 3 times.

Yeah, it is really bad for me since right now, i am targeting to have my 95% days of 2016 without porn, so far i relapsed 3 times, it means i have 3 days of porn. It is kind of bad start because we didnt finish first month f 2016 and i have been exposed to porn for 3 days. i started to get pessimistic on my target.

But, it is still the first month of 2016, there are still 11 months left, so, i still need to struggle more on my target, and for that, i checked on how i succeeded to reach 45 days free porn. And i think that i succeeded because of my writing habit. At that time, i used to write everything i feel, i experienced, i read, or whatever comes to my mind. I also shared this to some of my accountable friends, i always participate in NoFap-related group even join the YouTube hangout (i wish i still have it).

By doing those activities, i feel more triggered to do positive things, more than when i used to relapse 2 months ago. When i relapsed on addiction, i was too lazy to do activities, like writing, i didn't even write ahy single blog at all, while experimenting on another way to NoFap, and.. i failed..

Yeah, i think, writing is still the best way for me to succeed again in NoFap, and also to reach better life..
And right now i am back writing stuff, because for me... it's better this way..

GOD, I SHOULD HAVE ASKED MORE FROM YOU...

Wednesday, 20 January 2016,

10:44 a.m (GMT +7)

I just finished three of my five big examinations. And, right now, i just finished my third big exam. It's just remediations, i mean.. a test to repair my bad mark. I did well on my 2 exams before, but my third one didn't work well.

Let's just say... I failed to increase my mark..

And the bad news for me is after doing some calculations, i am about to fail to reach my target, right before i entered university, i have a target to reach GPA > 3.5 (out of 4 of course), that's also the requirement to reach cum laude. I really want to make my parents proud, or everything. Even if i succeeded on the rest 2 of my exams, i still can't save my mark. So, i feel really bad for it.

But, yeah, at least, i am still proud of myself because i worked really hard, but after doing some reflections, i realized that i didn't include GOD in my activities. I mean, like.. I didn't include GOD more in this. Just a little, because i am sure i can do it. That's why i didn't score good on the third exam.

GOD, forgive me for the bullshit i have done so far.. I should have asked more from you...

SOCIAL MEDIA IS SOMETIMES.... CRAZY

8 January 2016, 08:26 p.m (GMT+7)

If you're reading this, maybe i want to express some rage, or some concerns, i am sorry if maybe, some of you guys will feel irritated or... whatever..

I know, right now, i am on my Day 8 of this NoFap challenge, and for some reasons, when you are on the first week, you started to get some kind of sensitive or anger from some sources you may not predict.

Yeah, folks.. You know, i have been on social media or a really long time, like almost half my age.. my first encounter on social media is on Friendster, i started to be active on Friendster since 2008, and right now, i have joined lots of social media, let's say Twitter (you may know from this blog that i have twitter), Facebook, Instagram, kik, Line, Whatsapp, etc.

But, the funny thing about my social media life is i have lots of friends on social media comparing to my real life, like that's why for some reasons, i love spending time on social media, chatting with my friends who i have never seen. So, for some reasons also, you may never know about your friends' characters, or maybe face languages or even voice tones (somehow it also determines your personality), since it's just full of chats, texts, or maybe... emoticons

So, here is the story why i feel irritated on social media!

2 days ago, i just replied my close friend's tweet, on that tweet he said,

"Do you really know that my celebrity crush will have his birthday 202 days later?"

I jokingly replied,

"I don't care"

I think, my friend know about my tweeting style, since we used to have chats on twitter or maybe on some messengers and i used the same style, like even when i joked around my close friend, i sometimes forgot to add "hehe" or "lol" or some happy emoticons when i joke.

example : "I don't care... hehe", you know... i just want to make my tweet more effective.. lol

And, minutes later, he subliminally dissed me on his next tweets (i mean threw a shot at me on twitter), and the bad thing is his friend also responded by throwing another shots at me. I mean, like.. seriously??

Reading his tweet made me kind of shocked, i mean, like.. If you think, i did something wrong to you via twitter, just send me a private message, and ask for clarification. You can't just conclude something easily and you tweeted some shots at me, dissing me like that.

So, after that, we decided to chat each other just for the clarification, i started the chat though, so i just want to make everything clear, before we started a fight, just because a stupid tweet. And, he said that he felt really irritated just because of my response to his tweet. So, yeah, we decided to apologize each other, but honestly, i already lose my respect on him, or maybe, let's just say, my respect towards him has decreased after that tragedy.

From this lesson, i just found out that people have different approaches when it comes to social media.

There is the one who always posts everything around him/her, like feelings, or maybe about activities
There is also the one who posts without mentioning everyone (i hate this guy, sometimes i used to do it)
There is also the one who posts some meaningful stuff, like opinions, or maybe facts

And, on social media, we can't know whether the person is joking or not, we don't know the characteristic of each other, we don't know also about how the person really looks like in the real life. As you know, there are lots of person who got cheated on social media. So, i think, from now on, be careful when you post something on social media, so you won't feel the same experience as me. Right now, i am still thinking about that event that i started to dislike him as person.

Yeah, you know, social media is sometimes.... crazy
Just decrease your time there, and focus on something productive

WELCOME 2016 : REFLECTION AND RESOLUTION

1 January 2016, 0:03 p.m (GMT+7)

FINALLY.. WE ALREADY REACHED 2016!!

I think, some people on social media will post like this..
"First .... in 2016"  for those who has already celebrated New Years, like my country

or maybe "Last .... in 2015" for those who is still on 2015. Anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016!

Maybe, some of you, readers are preparing for lots of stuff in the New Years' Eve, but we didn't celebrate it here, eventhough around my house, there are lots of fireworks.. But, we really don't care about New Year, i think, it should not be celebrated that much, like going on festival or some noisy places, or screaming "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!"

Because, every new thing, or new milestone, or whatever, contained two things, which are REFLECTION AND RESOLUTION

REFLECTION is yeah, we have to look back on what we already have done in 2015, whether it's good or bad. We have to take notes on every significant thing, so we can learn.

I think, 2015 had good and bad memories in me.

The good thing is i started this blog, get lots of positive feedbacks about this blog, finished my thesis, almost had a girlfriend, So, yeah, let's remember good things behind..

While, the bad thing is i got low grades often, relapsed often, anyway, i relapsed on the last day of 2015, so yeah, today is not the Day 1 of 2016, and also Day 1 of my new NoFap cycle.. 

So, from these mistakes, i think, the only way for me to succeed in this NoFap struggle is by getting busy, this is why i realized i need to manage my blog again, it's been a really long time not blogging. So, i am deciding myself to come back! But, not only i will blog here, i will also write on some sites, and maybe, make YouTube videos about everything..

Anyway, if you realized something, i also changed my blog title, because i just want to be better day by day, not just quitting this Pornography addiction. So, maybe, i can just give you some motivational quotes or lesson i can take from everything. My YouTube channels will also be titled the same, but due to some busy activities, maybe, my YouTube videos will only have low quality videos, but.. yeah, it is not about the quality, but it's about the message inside the video, so i don't really care that much.

Okay, so after taking notes and reflection on what we just experienced in 2015, here comes the RESOLUTION! Yeah!! We are talking about targets we hope to achieven in 2016. We can put high target, but yeah, let's make our wish real. Note what you really want to achieve in 2016, you don't need to put high target, just put some small significant targets and work hard for it!!

So, of course, i personally have RESOLUTION FOR 2016! Here are mine!

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION 2016 (so far)

1. I want to make this year as a 95-100% NoFap year, it means that i want to make about 95-100% of days in 2016 as a NoFap, it means that i won't do something related to this PMO thing, i mean Porn, Masturbation, and Orgasm

2. I want to graduate this year and also advance to the next phase of my college, which is CLINICAL ROTATION. I want to at least, know about some diseases i will face in the primary care setting, and also i want to succeed in all exams i will face in 2016.

3. I am targeting for 100 posts in every blogs i managed, including this blog, my personal blog, and the sites i am planning to contribute (it's in Indonesian, anyway, but i will write somehting on English)

4. I am targeting for 30-40 YouTube videos on my channel, anyway, maybe this year, i am planning to buy a new laptop, since my laptop right now quite damaged.. hehe, so maybe i can do editing and stuff.

5. I am planning to write a book about health, or maybe, about my struggle to beat pornography..

So far, these are my resolutions, still got more to come maybe, after thinking.. I just wake up after preparing for an exam, actually still need to face some more exams on this month. So, please PRAY FOR ME!!

THAT'S IT FROM ME!!'

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016 and MAY 2016 BE WITH US!!

Amin..

DAY 25 : I JUST GOT AN ACCIDENT! (+Evaluation)

7 November 2015 4:48 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 25

If you're reading this post, i just got an accident!! Of course, it was bad. Even, it is the worst accident i ever had (i actually had for about 5 accidents in my 20 years of living, 1 of them not as a driver, i hope this will be my last).

For this time, i was a driver of the motorcycle. It was really the worst, because this is the first accident that involved bruises. I got 4 bruises, even my trouser ripped at that time. So, i decided to go to hospital seeking for some medical helps, since they are dirty wounds.

At that time, i started to do some evaluations, why would this happen? Sadly, this is not the first accident i experienced this year, this is the second. And, the funny thing is both of them were related with My NoFap struggle. I mean, seriously. I just think, this is the sign from GOD that my sins related to pornography are already deleted, because from what i have learned,

"Pain will delete your sins"

So, i just hope that my NoFap struggle has been appreciated by GOD, so this will gain me another spirit for life.

Anyway, not only from that, i have to fix myself from this case. I learned that it happened due to lack of concentration. I mean, seriously, it happened because another motorcycle suddenly crossed my motorcycle, and i didn't pay much attention for it. So, yeah, i lost my balance. AND BOOM! I fell and yeah, got some bruises.

I just hope it is gonna be my last accident ever. And, of course, i hope it won't give me relapse, because right now, i have to wear shorts, since i got bruises on my knee.

Yeah, please pray for my fast recovery so i can have good activity next week.

DAY 17 - FRIENDZONE (again) + Evaluation

29 October 2015 8:54 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 17

Anyway, sorry for not updating yesterday Because of some academic stuff, and not regular sleep time lol. Oh yeah, finally i just reached my Day 17, so i am going for the hardest day of the struggle, as what my friend already told. Day 18-21 will be so hard, even i relapsed at those days often.

Oh yeah, as what the title of this blog already told you, i just confessed my love to a girl! But, yeah, in the very end, i get friendzoned. I don't know what to feel about this, because we know, getting friendzoned is as hurt as being single, because you don't have someone to date or, yeah, bf/gf thing.

But, we should also know, every negative thing also has a positive, even though a little. I had a chat with one of my close friend, and he even said this

"Bro, both of you guys never met each other, so, i also think, if you guys dated, it will be very risky, even it won't last long".

Yeah, friendzone is of course, not a bad thing. But, it will make you sad, like you really hope for something serious, but it didn't happen. Moment of silence for me, then!

BUT, NO NO NO!! I'm not the same as last year, like when i get friendzone, i relapse and look back at porn.

So, at that time, i decided to evaluate myself on what i have to do in the future. Because, failure is the best place to know what we should fix. And, i give you some points and also i took some tips from my friend. Here are things i already found and evaluated!

1. Confession can be a bad thing for you, just act like your girl already said "yes" to you. Like asking for hangout, treat a dinner.
2. Love is not about dating, so keep your desire for a date, just try to be a better man for girl you like.
3. Never expect too much, because the best expectation is no expectation.
4. If you failed, or maybe she didn't like you, GO AWAY!! Find another one! Maybe she may not be a good girl for you, or maybe you should fix something for her.

I actually think there are some points i already left, but yeah.. these are my evaluations, so i am really proud that i got friendzoned today, because, let's look at the bright side, i can encourage myself to be a better man, so, maybe i can marry her, or at least better than her, or we don't know, because GOD decides.

The same thing also happened to you guys, from my story, i just want to let you guys know that GIRLS ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A GOOD MAN.. (NOT HANDSOME), okay?

So, before thinking of dating or whatever, you should look at the mirror again and see whether you already deserved or not.

I will be doing that, and i hope you also do that! Thanks and Cheers for the "Friend"Zone!!!