DAY 4 : Almost relapse

14 March 2018, 12:38 a.m (GMT+7)

It’s been two days I haven’t given any update on this blog. Now, I’m writing this during my first night shift in the inpatient unit. Thankfully, the patients are in stable condition so they can sleep without any complaints. And, the coffee starts working so I am still fully awake now.

Now, I am actually doing fine, still surviving from relapses. Although, several hours ago, I experienced a crazy urge because of me staying for a long time at home. But, due to the slow wi-fi connection in my home, I decided to divert my attention by learning about several diseases and also drugs that I should prescribe for certain diseases.

Yeah, yesterday have been quite a mess. So, that was my first day working in an outpatient clinic in the same hospital. And, many patients came in. That time, I kinda felt confused since I am still not used with the workflow there. Unlike inpatient unit, the outpatient one is about speed and accuracy in decision-making. I have to check patients for their disease history and do an effective examination. Unlike the inpatient one, while I have to consult several specialists for a better treatment decision.

So, after my outpatient shift ends, I started to regret for my unpreparedness. I decided to go outside to a café near my house, drinking a lemon tea, and eat with my friend who worked in a different hospital. There, we talked a lot about our activities and how we approach some diseases. Yeah, we both are still fresh doctors, we still are not introduced to the clinical jobs. So, sometimes, we are confused of some administrative stuffs, like the availability of drugs that we want to prescribe, or even the flowchart of services. Eventhough, we have our orientation process, but, somehow, we always forget.

It also leads to that urge. Loneliness, regret, and boredom. Those three combinations happened in the morning when I woke up. I didn’t want to do anything else that time. Just to stay in bed, and play some games. So, by that, I started thinking about a sentence I used to say as an encouragement to not relapse.

“I AM ONE PORN AWAY FROM TROUBLE.”

Yeah. After several thinking, I realized that everytime I relapsed on porn, I had a hard time socializing. I felt easily irritated by stuff, lost some confidence, and many negativity happened after that. That time, I realized I don’t want to relapse anymore.

I know, it’s still a long way for me to start becoming a better person. But, I need to try something new again. Maybe, reading some interesting stuff, or training some skills. I’ll figure it out later. Now, I am just happy I am still on the streak.

DAY 1 : First day of work

11 March 2019, 05:14 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 1

This is my first workplace. Pray for me!

This is it. My first day of work. After 6 years of struggle in medical school, alongside pain,

procrastination and suicidal thoughts, i managed to get my Medical Doctor (MD.) degree. And now, i finally got a job in a hospital. In my country, new medical doctors need to have a one-year period of internship to get a practice licence. It can be in everywhere in my country as long as it has an agreement with the Department of Health. Today, i am assigned to work in the In-Patient Unit. While, before that, i got to do some orientations in the hospital i am assigned to.

Anyway, in this hospital, i kinda feel really alone. Not, because of how i think about my new friends. But, it’s a really new place for me. I am now working in Gresik, a city that is famous for their industries, there are really tons of industries here, while cement and fertilizer being the most famous ones. I really experience new cultures, places that i have never been before, and no one from my college that works in the same place as me, so it gave me a really new experience.

And, before my job, my anxiety and depression started to attack me again. Like, how it used to

happen. I feel easily irritated by some jokes aimed at me. It’s like several months ago, where people tried to match me with someone i actually don’t like. Not that i hate her, but, she’s just not my type. So, that kind of words kinda hurt me and i actually overthink about it. It also leads to my porn addiction relapse, which actually aggravates my mental illness. I was diagnosed with dysthymia since 2017 by a psychiatrist near my home, which is a low-grade (high-functional) depression, but it is really persistent.

So, after several considerations, i decided to talk it out with some of my old friends. My high school friends, and my college friends, about what i feel about my new friends at first. And then, i started to realize that it is me that needs some changing. I need to change how i should react to some jokes aimed at me, not being oversensitive about it. Changing my coping approach and just take it as a joke. Laugh it off, and let it go. As my friend said before,

“Never take it personally. I’ve seen one of my friend who did that. And, it turns catastrophic.”

He also said about how he was like that before. But, he changed his coping approach by suppressing it and take it as a humor. Which is, according to the books that i read, is a mature mechanism.

And then, another friend came at me and say that i need to remember my intention to come here. I remember how i said to her that the reason why i decided to move from Jogja is because i want to change myself. Eventhough, Jogjakarta, the city where i learned to be a doctor, has given me much memories. But, i had a really bad past there, as how my porn addiction exacerbates again and again, there. I don’t want to look at that again. I want to change. And, as i looked up about Gresik, my new home. It is a religious town, known for their Islamic background, while still maintaining their traditional roots. So, i feel like this city can facilitate me to get closer to GOD while finding my purpose of life. I want to get myself involved in so many activities here, so i can move on from this addiction and try to be a better person here.

Yeah, so, i think, i need to focus on my intention. Becoming a better person. Getting myself closer to GOD. Loving myself more. For a better life ahead.

And, for that, I will restart this diary writing habit for multiple days. Re-forming the habit that i have left before. Hope i can continue this constantly. And, pray for me to accomplish that!

Farhan's Final Verdict On Porn

Yogyakarta, Indonesia, 22 March 2018, 10:16 p.m (GMT + 7)

Lately, this week i have been doing great, and currently been porn-free for 5 days. Eventhough, i have been free for searching or even consuming any type of porn media. I still try my best to pursue my comeback at writing. Yeah, i still keep my aspiration to be a writer in the future, eventhough i have already published a book discussing about the danger of Pornography from several aspects, like social and also medical. I still even faced several episodes of relapses. I think, my best streak on being porn-free was 10-12 days, i already forgot, but i know it's been a hard time for me to get it back. So, let's just say, i didn't even live up to what i have written before, and to be honest with you, i felt very upset about it. Maybe, i even have forgotten every lines i wrote in that book.

Today, i am working on my new book. This is all about how i reflect through the worst years in my life. As a medical student that currently undergoes a clinical rotation, i really called 2017 as probably one of the worst years, since maybe, 2010. Yeah, as i have counted, last year, i had about 3-4 suicidal thoughts in one year, mostly come from me overthinking of what people said to me before. Yeah, people often call me useless, stupid, and even they compared me to one part of Dumb and Dumber. Not only that, i still recalled until now, when someone in my clinical rotation group said this to me,

"Even if you are the only man in this world, I prefer to be single! I do hate you!"

Thankfully, the person who said this happens to be someone i hate so much that there is one point where i wish that person died from an attempted murder. But, this horrible statement made me reflect a little bit what if everyone actually said this to me, but they seem afraid to say that because that may hurt me, since that time i am too sensitive for even such words or acts toward me.

Last week, i met with someone, a teacher that i havent met for a long time. Yeah, i was about to collect my assignment after some failed examination program with her. She decided to give me an assignment to complete the exam, but it took me a year to finish it. First, because of my anxiety. Most people always know that this person is such a strict and perfectionist, especially during exam. She always have high expectation that when someone hasnt met it. She will fail them for multiple times. It also happened to me. I think if she failed me and encouraged me to do better with a good word and encouragement, i might be okay with it. But, not for her. She always scolds and angers every people and somehow use high intonation when she speaks. And then, i get depressed for it.

Then, here comes the suicidal thoughts. After each meeting, i always cried and felt pessimistic on whether she would pass me or not. I am not a perfect person, and i dont know if being a doctor will be a future for me. Since then, i started to think whether i really should quit or not. So, i decided to postpone my assignment for almost a year, just to figure everything out. I searched for every department and seeked for the answer.

Until, when the time is up and i got to meet that teacher again, she was still the same person, or let's say slightly worse. She scolded me again and right now, she still thought that i havent recovered from my anxiety and depression. So, she brought me for a Neurobehavior Examination. It was found that i had a severe anxiety and severe depression so she asked me to treat them so she really wanted me to be ready when i face her.

All these horrible situations made me reflect again on what i did wrong. What went wrong with me and how. Right now, i also take hypnotherapy session to make myself better because i knew that i had a little confidence for me. Today, i plan to take the second session. My first one was actually good, i felt something inside me better especially when the therapist asked me to give my mind a balance and suddenly, i thought of writing as a process to create the equilibrium inside.

But, before that, i searched some journal on anxiety and depression while i still fought for that also. I mostly found thst the reason mostly comes from family and environment which hasnt been good since i was young. But, i found a study from Case Western Reverse University, it was stated that those who believed they had an addiction to pornography also experienced psychological issues, like depression, anger, and anxiety.

Eventhough there are several confounding factors beside porn consumption, i often heard people who has been struggling to quit their porn addiction also experienced those things. As for me, i didnt think my porn consumption is a risk factor for all the conundrum that happened. I once consulted to a psychiatrist near home, she told me that i actually have a mental problem called "DYSTHYMIA" or often called as "Persistent Depressive Disorder". That was also the reason why it is easy for me to lose focus, to be sensitive and also to overthink everything that happened to me, even something that is really not important. And, i think, Porn is not the main reason i suffered this kind of problem. Porn is like a precipitating factor, yes, it adds things up to my trait that i have developed since i was a kid. Porn makes me more anxious about what my future will hold, Porn makes me lose spirit and motivation t
o do certain types of actions. Porn always blocks every chance i have to do something productive, like releasing some articles or learning new stuffs. It's kind of obvious since somehow, certain people didnt see any side effects on porn, and still do some own stuff. Even, there are some people who watched porn and actually can control their consumption, hunger or urge to watch them more. But, i am not that person. I am so easy to be controlled by everything, by the response, and also by the effect.

Maybe, if i know some more addictive substances, like alcohols, narcotics, or even cigarettes. I could have consumed it also if a friend of mine forced me to try it and gave me several arguments on how you should try it. Like, maybe, alcohol can solve your problem and make you forget all the bad things that happened before, or cigarettes can make you think clearly and more inspired. That's what my uncle said when i asked him why he always smoke cigarettes. And, actually i could have done that also, since the policy regarding cigarette in Indonesia is not as strict as other countries. That's why in some rural areas, you can actually see kids under my age (i will be 23 this year) smoke cigarettes. But, in the end, i got addicted to Pornography which happens to have the same effects as all the substances. Maybe, most of you still figure out how Porn can give you these effects, but to tell you the truth, when your mind is switched on to watch porn everytime you experienced stress or boredom, or everytime when you have a problem, you end up watching porn. It should be a problem, especially when you spend some hours where you must be productive just by watching porn. It must be a problem. 

Yeah, it must be a problem. 

Starting from today, i am working on to increase my self-confidence. I know that this situation will be tougher than ever, since this is a really great battle i am going to be in. This is all about myself, i know there will be more battles after this, like jobs, financial struggle, or even family. But, right now, to proceed and succeed in life, i need to win this battle. I have gained several assistances from my parents, my family, my close friends, my mentors and teachers to win this battle. But, in the end, i am the one who needs to win it by myself. 

To be a man, you got to beat the man. 

I know, Porn got the best of me. But, right now, let's beat the best of that porn.

Please, pray for me.
Let's start to write again here! I am going to write about my life battles and reflections, not regularly, but i hope i can inspire you in some kind of way

Farhandika Mursyid

THE JOURNEY RESTARTS (Hope my life also)

Yogyakarta, 14 May 2017, 9:41 p.m (GMT+7)

The Journey Restarts! (Day 0)

Yup... i just relapsed. After lots of days struggling, even with my success of publishing a book discussing about my porn addiction story and how i can overcome it. I still ended up with a relapse. For now on, i don't want to talk about the reason why, and also the story behind it. It was a really sad news that i still try best not to rewind this bad moment. I know, it is still normal when you relapse, but let me just reflect this by myself, without discussing anything regarding to it. The reason are mostly the same, whether you are bored, you are stressed or you are alone. Lately, i feel stressed and bored since i am right now in the Anesthesiology Department, and everyday, i have to enter the Operating Theatre to watch an anesthesiologist work. In case you didn't work what anesthesia is, it's like when you are being operated, you will feel some numb. Anesthesiologist actually gave you some medicine that will make you numb. But, it's not always like that. They mostly work in Emergency Unit, or maybe ICU (Intensive Care Unit). And, the night before, i have to go to several wards to do some pre-surgery visits, checking their vital signs, following their latest laboratory results, and educating patient on what to do before, while, and after being operated.

But, not only the journey to beat porn addiction will restart, but also, i really hope one day, my life will restart. I am not talking about suicidal thought in this post. Eventhough, lately, i thought about suicide, i even tried to overconsume painkiller, but i was lucky i didn't end up dying or even feeling any kind of discomfort, since i don't consume many pills, it is like i took about 4 pills. I still feel good since i have several friends that want to help me and will to listen to what i want to achieve. Even, a friend of mine cheered me up by reminding me about a story when i failed and i get back up, and lots of people started to appreciate me then.

Speaking of appreciation, eventhough i already published my first book. I still feel people i don't get much appreciation for doing that. I remember one time several people called me a dumb or a useless person just because of one simple mistake. Yup, one simple mistake. But, right now, i still feel like when they said it, i just need to put a mirror in front of them and tell them "YOU'RE EVEN DUMBER THAN ME! I ALREADY HAVE MY BOOK. WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUH?". But, i know i can't do it, i am not a type of person that can do such kind of thing.

Anyway, back to the title, i really want to restart my life all over again. Right now, i am currently living as a (still) medical student, currently i am now in a clinical rotation phase. It's like after taking an undergraduate degree and earn the "Bachelor of Medicine" degree, you need to get in this clinical rotation for about 2 years, so you can graduate as a doctor, and work in a healthcare facility. So, right now, it took about 1 more year for me to achieve the "Medical Doctor" degree. But, after several considerations, i don't really think being a doctor is a good choice for me. I really enjoy myself as a writer, writing about everything, about music, about entertainment, about health, and about anything else.

I currently have a dream that one day, i will be working as a medical writer in America, taking graduate degree for Medical Journalism in University of North Carolina, or maybe a Public Health Master Degree in Harvard. Because, i really want to be a behind-the-scene guy to improve the health status, not only in my country, but also in the world. I know that being a doctor is a really great profession, since you will be dealing with your patient's wellbeing. But, for me, speaking is not my ability. Besides the medical knowledge and clinical skills, communication (in every aspect of it) is one of the biggest weapon that can give you the character of a great doctor, or let's say FIVE-STAR DOCTOR.

Somehow, i enjoy every moments where some of my friends appreciate my writing content, repost them, and give some constructive feedback, or maybe discuss something about my writing. About 3 hours ago, a famous local radio announcer just bought my first book, and he said that my book is a really good book, especially for an amateur writer that just published a book. I enjoyed them rather than several moments where i met a patient, talk about their diseases, and gave them some education about how to prevent their disease or even symptoms. I don't know why. Not that because i hate sick people, but i just don't want them to be sick. I want them to be always healthy.

Speaking of writing, i already planned to write my second book. I feel really sorry because i can't publish my first book in English, just in Indonesian, because i may have a minor plagiaristic issue with an organisation. And, actually, my first book didn't even sell well, mostly due to lack of promotion from the publisher and also myself. But, it is all good. Mistakes are there to be learned, not to be cried. These mistakes will give you more strength and ability to be a better writer in the future. So, i have made some concepts about my second book. My second book is actually a continuation of my first book, and i planned to write it in English. So, it can also help me enriching my English writing skills, for a better purpose, like possible postgraduate scholarship, or something like that.

My second book will be quite a novel, and the theme may be quite controversial, but it is still related to my first book. I really will discuss about "Love" and "Intimacy" in it. But, of course, i will be writing this in tons of aspects. Social, Health, and many more.

I planned to release it coincidentally with HIV-AIDS Day or maybe Sexual Violence Awareness Day, or any day that has relationship with Sexual Violence, HIV-AIDS, or Sexual Disease. Let's see how this will roll, then. And, don't forget, please pray for me for a better life. Hope i can see myself later as a writer in the future, not a doctor.

I LOVE WRITING!
Please, pray for me!

TURNING POINT!

24 September 2016, 7:08 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 3

Lately, i really feel unmotivated by what i have done in the past couple of months. I've been struggling to beat my porn addiction. I was always on a short cycle. I remembered that my longest streak is actually about 7 days. I have never reached double digits last month. Even my addiction is going even worse. Nearly, i have spent too much on my parents' salary, just for feeding all my urges.

And then, i also have some emotional chats with my father about where the money have gone. Because, i know, right now, i feel like i was controlled by Evil. I spent money on a bad purpose, and i didn't tell him honestly about where the money have gone. I know, if he knew about the truth, he would probably be mad of me. Right now, i wrote this post while i still try to cry for all the mistakes i have done. Because, let's be honest, i really understand how hard it is for my dad to earn money for my family. I am still a student, and i wasn't allowed by my parents to get a job or earn money. They really want me to focus on education. Eventhough, in my deepest heart, i really want to help them earning money. My mother doesn't work, because she wants to focus on keeping me, eventhough for now, i think, it's not even a good decision. I will tell you later on the next post.

At this time, i decided to make a promise, not only to my parents, but also to myself and GOD, that i will NEVER. EVER. SPEND MY MONEY FOR ANY BAD PURPOSE! I ALSO WILL TRY TO QUIT FROM PORNOGRAPHY FOR A REALLY LONG TIME! 

As what some of my mentor has already said, i don't have any specific target for now. I just want to quit as long as i can. And, at least, i want to live a better life, not dealing with porn anymore, as what i have wished in my 21st birthday which is last month. 

Not only the fact that PORN really make me feel bad with my parents, but also right now, my chronic PORN addiction also leads me to losing concentration and motivation to write my book about dealing with PORN ADDICTION. I have decided to finish it on September 19, but even until now, i haven't typed any single page on my computer, eventhough i have written the concepts on some random notes. 

SO, I DECLARED THAT TODAY IS MY TURNING POINT! I REALLY WANT TO QUIT RIGHT NOW!!

PS : For the next 2 weeks, i will be going on a duty, so i may not be blogging during those times. It also means, i can't write any single page of the book again on my computer. I just hope everything will be alright there, because i heard from friends who has been there that. THE NEXT 2 WEEKS WILL BE REALLY BUSY!

Please pray for me guys!

You're Not Bad. You're Just Not Learning Good

Monday, 1 August 2016. 5:32 p.m (GMT+7)

Good evening, friends. Right now, i have to restart my NoFap journey again. This is my Day 1, because i relapsed yesterday after fighting with lots of urges and withdrawal syndromes (about to write about it later on my next post).

For last several days, i have a problem with my friends surrounding me. It's not that i hate them. I love them. But, the problem is.. i have this feeling of being inferior. It's like, i feel like everyone right now hates me or maybe talks bad things around me. I feel like they don't want to be around me for a reason. I also have suicidal thoughts lately.

In the end, i feel like i am a very bad person for them. Even there is one person talked openly to me that she always puts negative thoughts on me. I think like maybe, she represented what some of them think about me.

I don't know what to do after that words. I tried to talk to everyone else right now. But, i can't. Seems like i have trust issues right now with everyone, even my parents. I also feel like i didn't get much support from everyone right now.

But, thankfully, i still get a few that wants to listen to what my lung wants to scream right now. And, one of them gave me such an amazing solution.

He said this,
"It's okay to make mistakes, it's a learning process. Don't be stressed and don't feel so inferior when you make it. I know some people will take you as a bad person if you don't make a good outcome. But, actually, you are not bad, you are just not prepared for it. So, one day, just be prepared for everything that may happen to you when you do something.

So, learn in a good way. Learn from the mistakes you do."

I feel like this is a really good advice. I still think i haven't learned much from any mistake i have done in the past. So, that's why i keep doing almost the same mistake. I have to decrease the chance for mistake right now, so one day i can be a better person.

And also, i just want to have my own motivation again. I just don't want to feel like inferior to all the friends i know. I also need to learn again from the mistakes i have done in my NoFap journey so i won't relapse again.... and again....

Please pray for me, my friends!

Life Is Unpredictable (Thoughts On Orlando)

13 June 2016, 10:16 p.m (GMT+7)

First of all, as a Muslim, i want to send my deepest condolences to the victims of shooting in a nightclub in Orlando. I also ask for you all the readers not to denounce Muslim as terrorist religion, since we know that the shooter is a Muslim, and the nightclub that get shot is a gay club.

source : heavy.com

To be honest with you, my religion, Islam is really against any form of LGBTQ, but it doesn't mean that we have to mock them, or even end their life. We still need to respect them and pray the GOD for the best situation for them, because GOD can judge them, not US. The same thing we should also do to everyone who hates Muslim and condemn us as terrorists or whatever bad it is.

Just a matter of fact, i don't even get how a Muslim shot these 50 people in a nightclub while all of Muslims are right now on Ramadan month, doing fasting, and losing our desires. And, this guy even decide to kill people. He must be a fake Muslim, because Ramadan is actually used as a test to cleanse ourselves from sins and some bad desires, including sex and pornography from sunrise to sunset. But, we have to apply this also everyday. WHY IS HE DOING THAT??

Anyway, Ramadan Mubarak to all Muslims around the world!

source : assabile.com

Speaking of Orlando, last weekend must be really tough for that city. TWO headlines are coming from the city last weekend and they are all about shooting!. We know about the nightclub shooting that has killed 50+ people took place in the city. But, 1 day before this, another tragic shooting happened quite near from the nightclub. It only took one person's life, but she's not just a person. The victim is a famous YouTuber and musician named Christina Grimmie. She was shot after her concert by someone that just came to Orlando to shoot her. The shooter also died.

source : rt.com

Most of you might know her from The Voice, yeah she ranked 3rd there and get some mentoring from Adam Levine (Maroon 5 vocalist). But, i have personally known her even before she auditioned for The Voice. She often uploads her covering some pop songs on YouTube. My first introduction to her was about 5 years ago when she did a song by Nelly called "Just A Dream", and i was impressed by her voice and also her look. She is so beautiful, and you can even see that beauty from the inside. She has a really great smile, and seems so down-to-earth.

"Now if you ever love somebody, put your hands up, and now they're gone and now you wish you could give them everything"
Now, this part is really sad. Never cry like this in every celebrity's death. It's almost the same as my grandfather's death 7 months ago.

I kinda want to say she has turned into a celebrity crush for me (anyway, i really have lots of celebrity crushes). Yeah, i had a really big crush on her. It is crazy because i used to listen to her songs, download her YouTube videos, even posted her lyrics on my social media accounts. So crazy moments, even i shared her videos to some of my friends. I think that she introduced me to the good side of YouTube (yeah, right now, we have seen lots of stupid stuff on YouTube). Anyway, i also found out that i even made a fan video about her.

Believe me. That's my video. I made it 4 years ago. I was 16 years old and so maniac about her at that time. Right now, i already changed my laptop and also i don't use anyone as new my wallpaper. I just used a random screenshot from my favorite music video by Kendrick Lamar called "Alright".

Oh My God! I really wrote about her so much i even forgot to tell the main thing about this post. Her death was a shocking news not only to her fans, but also to lots of her friends, fellow YouTubers, or even musicians. Lots of celebrities shared their condolences and even tributed her in their own performances, such as Charlie Puth, Miranda Lambert, Fifth Harmony, Meghan Trainor, Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber. WOW! I think, for all the celebrity death reports in 2016, this may be the worst i have ever read, since lots of deaths were due to some chronic diseases. 

From all the 2 incidents above, i learned a really important thing that

"LIFE IS UNPREDICTABLE, WE KNOW THE STARTING POINT BUT WE DON'T KNOW THE END"

If i can ask to them now, or maybe in the past, they choose not to die like this. But, GOD made a different decisions for them. We may get angry, regretful, or even sad, but it already happened. And maybe while reading this, we may ask

"How if these things happen to you?"

So, by this post, i just want to remind you guys, and also for myself that while we are still living in this world, we need to spread lots of love to each other. Spread some positivity, do lots of positive things, enjoy the struggle and work hard. And if you still have mistakes toward people, just ask for apologize and also, forgive everyone for their mistakes they have done to you.

"You only get one shot, do not miss your chance and blow
Cause the opportunity comes once in a lifetime"Eminem - Lose Yourself

To end this post, i just want to say

Rest In Peace to 50+ people that get murdered in Orlando nightclub, and
Rest In Peace to my old time celebrity crush, Christina Victoria Grimmie.