THE JOURNEY RESTARTS (Hope my life also)

Yogyakarta, 14 May 2017, 9:41 p.m (GMT+7)

The Journey Restarts! (Day 0)

Yup... i just relapsed. After lots of days struggling, even with my success of publishing a book discussing about my porn addiction story and how i can overcome it. I still ended up with a relapse. For now on, i don't want to talk about the reason why, and also the story behind it. It was a really sad news that i still try best not to rewind this bad moment. I know, it is still normal when you relapse, but let me just reflect this by myself, without discussing anything regarding to it. The reason are mostly the same, whether you are bored, you are stressed or you are alone. Lately, i feel stressed and bored since i am right now in the Anesthesiology Department, and everyday, i have to enter the Operating Theatre to watch an anesthesiologist work. In case you didn't work what anesthesia is, it's like when you are being operated, you will feel some numb. Anesthesiologist actually gave you some medicine that will make you numb. But, it's not always like that. They mostly work in Emergency Unit, or maybe ICU (Intensive Care Unit). And, the night before, i have to go to several wards to do some pre-surgery visits, checking their vital signs, following their latest laboratory results, and educating patient on what to do before, while, and after being operated.

But, not only the journey to beat porn addiction will restart, but also, i really hope one day, my life will restart. I am not talking about suicidal thought in this post. Eventhough, lately, i thought about suicide, i even tried to overconsume painkiller, but i was lucky i didn't end up dying or even feeling any kind of discomfort, since i don't consume many pills, it is like i took about 4 pills. I still feel good since i have several friends that want to help me and will to listen to what i want to achieve. Even, a friend of mine cheered me up by reminding me about a story when i failed and i get back up, and lots of people started to appreciate me then.

Speaking of appreciation, eventhough i already published my first book. I still feel people i don't get much appreciation for doing that. I remember one time several people called me a dumb or a useless person just because of one simple mistake. Yup, one simple mistake. But, right now, i still feel like when they said it, i just need to put a mirror in front of them and tell them "YOU'RE EVEN DUMBER THAN ME! I ALREADY HAVE MY BOOK. WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUH?". But, i know i can't do it, i am not a type of person that can do such kind of thing.

Anyway, back to the title, i really want to restart my life all over again. Right now, i am currently living as a (still) medical student, currently i am now in a clinical rotation phase. It's like after taking an undergraduate degree and earn the "Bachelor of Medicine" degree, you need to get in this clinical rotation for about 2 years, so you can graduate as a doctor, and work in a healthcare facility. So, right now, it took about 1 more year for me to achieve the "Medical Doctor" degree. But, after several considerations, i don't really think being a doctor is a good choice for me. I really enjoy myself as a writer, writing about everything, about music, about entertainment, about health, and about anything else.

I currently have a dream that one day, i will be working as a medical writer in America, taking graduate degree for Medical Journalism in University of North Carolina, or maybe a Public Health Master Degree in Harvard. Because, i really want to be a behind-the-scene guy to improve the health status, not only in my country, but also in the world. I know that being a doctor is a really great profession, since you will be dealing with your patient's wellbeing. But, for me, speaking is not my ability. Besides the medical knowledge and clinical skills, communication (in every aspect of it) is one of the biggest weapon that can give you the character of a great doctor, or let's say FIVE-STAR DOCTOR.

Somehow, i enjoy every moments where some of my friends appreciate my writing content, repost them, and give some constructive feedback, or maybe discuss something about my writing. About 3 hours ago, a famous local radio announcer just bought my first book, and he said that my book is a really good book, especially for an amateur writer that just published a book. I enjoyed them rather than several moments where i met a patient, talk about their diseases, and gave them some education about how to prevent their disease or even symptoms. I don't know why. Not that because i hate sick people, but i just don't want them to be sick. I want them to be always healthy.

Speaking of writing, i already planned to write my second book. I feel really sorry because i can't publish my first book in English, just in Indonesian, because i may have a minor plagiaristic issue with an organisation. And, actually, my first book didn't even sell well, mostly due to lack of promotion from the publisher and also myself. But, it is all good. Mistakes are there to be learned, not to be cried. These mistakes will give you more strength and ability to be a better writer in the future. So, i have made some concepts about my second book. My second book is actually a continuation of my first book, and i planned to write it in English. So, it can also help me enriching my English writing skills, for a better purpose, like possible postgraduate scholarship, or something like that.

My second book will be quite a novel, and the theme may be quite controversial, but it is still related to my first book. I really will discuss about "Love" and "Intimacy" in it. But, of course, i will be writing this in tons of aspects. Social, Health, and many more.

I planned to release it coincidentally with HIV-AIDS Day or maybe Sexual Violence Awareness Day, or any day that has relationship with Sexual Violence, HIV-AIDS, or Sexual Disease. Let's see how this will roll, then. And, don't forget, please pray for me for a better life. Hope i can see myself later as a writer in the future, not a doctor.

I LOVE WRITING!
Please, pray for me!

5/100 : ME ON VALENTINE'S DAY

14 February 2015, 8:30 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 5 of 100

So, today is 14 February! AND, TODAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY!!

YEAAAY!! YEAAY!! YEE........... (i am still single, :"""""( *cries)

Anyway, in my lovely country, there has been some controversies against Valentine's Day. Since, the majority of us are Muslim, and most people who celebrates Valentine's Day are Christian, or i think, it has something related with Christianity, i don't know actually, just feel free to correct me.

Even there is a movement called "I Am Muslim and I Say No To Valentine", which i think it's really bullshit and against the tolerance. As you know, Indonesia is a country which has lots of ethnics, races, and of course, cultures, and religions. We actually have 6 religions which are accepted by our government. And, of course, we live together in tolerance as we are already taught by our ideology.

Of course, i don't celebrate Valentine's Day, i am not against it, but i just think it doesn't make sense to celebrate it, one of the reason is because i am still single (i am not dating any girl, eventhough i almost, but yeah. ALMOST IS NEVER ENOUGH!!)

Let me give the better explanation, also from my own perspective.

Mostly, on Valentine's Day, people state their love and give some presents, mostly chocolate, flowers, or some pink objects. I just think that if people celebrate Valentine's Day just to give those things, i think, why should we wait for Valentine's Day, while we can even give them everyday? or at least we can just give them whenever you want!

You can even state your love to someone whenever you want, because LOVE IS A RACE!

So, one more time, i am not against Valentine's Day, but i am not going to celebrate Valentine's Day like what most people do, eventhough i remembered 2 years ago, i got a chocolate from a girl (she has dated with friend, though)

Happy Valentine's Day
Everyday the 14th!!

Anyway, Valentine's Day can also lead to some possible sexual relationships, just don't do unsafe sex, or at least, don't even visit porn if you are single!!

0/100 : NEW FORMAT!

10 February 2016, 1:30 p.m (GMT+7)

0/100

If you're reading this, i just relapsed several hours ago, this is my Day 1 anyway.. still struggling for it, but, i also found another new tactics to beat this Porn Addiction, it's crazy, because after that relapse, i can't really get back up from the "pain" of relapse.

I really want to succeed during the struggle, so far, my best record was 45 days. There are lots of urges coming at me, and i can't really let it go.

But, as i told you earlier, i just got another new tactics. I will tell you in the next post, that will be coming hours later! or maybe, minutes later! Because right now, i am sitting inside internet cafe.. and getting my inspiration on.

LET'S DO THIS!!!

Anyway, i changed my format, because i want to target for 100 days! Pray for me!

DAY 29 : I LOVE MYSELF!!

11 November 2015, 1:35 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 29

I wrote this blog in the afternoon, because i'm making this post from the library because of the heavy rain and heavy wind also here. But, yeah. I feel great! Still struggling to beat porn addiction and my phobia of lightning and thunderstorm. I just hope, i can succeed earlier so i will feel much better in the future.

Anyway, right now, i have just reached Day 29 for this NoFap challenge. It is really awesome, because seriously, throughout my 5 years of struggle, I have never reached this milestone and right now i'm reaching it!! I AM SO HAPPY OF MYSELF!!

It really makes me wanna scream "I LOVE MYSELF!!!" and dance like this..

This is actually taken from the song called "i" by Kendrick Lamar. And the gif above is from the music video of it. here is the song if you want to hear.

I really enjoy the whole song, and also the music video. It also makes me dance like an old man. Haha! But, seriously, it's not because of how it sounds, but the lyrics of this song is really inspiring. 

This teaches you about how to love yourself. I remembered when i am still addicted to porn (like masturbating or viewing), i feel really depressed. I really hate myself, i even ask myself like "why should i keep doing this all the time?", or "how can i quit from this?". 

As you know, i got lots of adverse effects from this porn addiction, like being away from my friend, failed in academic or college, failed in having a girlfriend, and feeling really spiritless for sometimes. Not only that, i also feel attached to pornography at that time. Like, when i feel stressed for exam, i started to look at porn and masturbate for 1-2 times. It was often done, and after orgasm, i feel kinda depressed, like why i should do this thing. But, it was done again and again

I also thought that, at that time, i always felt useless, like i didn't know why i lived in this planet,

So, i started to listen this and read throughout the lyrics. This really makes me cry but as always, realized that these conditions happened because i had a lack of self-love. As what Kendrick said on his past lyrics,

"But what love got to do with it when you don't love yourself?"

 from his song, "Real" feat. Anna Wise.

And, i suddenly started to think that if we really want to change everything into positive, being a positive myself. I have to love myself.

I always know that i really have a bad past issue, like porn addiction. And, people will think me as a bad person, or someone crazy, like what my school friend has already thought of me. They even called me a "hypersex" and they laughed at it, because i know, they think it was bad, they even went away from me for being that, and made a stupid joke on me about that thing.

But, after listening to this song, and read the lyrics and its meaning, so, i don't care about it anymore.. Because, yeah.. I LOVE MYSELF!! I am really proud that right now, i am struggling to beat this porn addiction, and i don't care what they say, because as long as i am on the right track and GOD still with me, so, it will be good. And that's WHY I LOVE MYSELF!!

Kendrick also said in the song,

"Everybody lookin at you crazy, what you gonna do?  

Lift up your head and keep moving, or let the paranoia haunt you 

Peace to fashion police i wear my heart 

On my sleeve, let the runway start

You know miserable do love company, what do you want from me and my scars?"

Not only that, having a self-love will also give you confidence. Right now, i am really confident on speaking the truth about me, as what you have already read on this blog. I told you about lots of stuff, my porn addiction, my love story, my phobia, almost everything. It is because I LOVE MYSELF!! Because, at that time, i know how to make people love me. 

Kendrick also said in thie song

"Everybody lack confidence, everybody lack confidence 

How many times my potential was anonymous? 

How many times the city making me promises? 

So, i promise this.. 

I LOVE MYSELF!!"

And right now, i have reached this milestone, almost 30 DAYS!! And, i feel really great after gaining some important benefits, such as easier to talk with girls, getting my memory and focus sharper, and also great vision and spirit for life. And, i am about to be honest to some of my friends about my porn addiction. This really makes me  want to scream



"I LOVE MYSELF!!!"

DAY 26 : DEAR PORNSTAR, I STILL LOVE YOU...

8 November 2015 10:50 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 26

Dear Pornstar,

This is me, your not-so-frequent consumer, but already become an addict.

I remembered first, when i was introduced to you for about 5 years ago, it was a really weird introduction, because my friends forced me to it. Of course, i don't directly get addicted to it. I am just like,

"what the hell am i watching?"

But, for why, i started getting addicted to you after several exposures. I forgot the exact time, but, i experienced my very first wet dream due to you. I can't tell the feeling i have after that. And then, i started getting addicted to consume your materials, whether it's videos, photos, or even audios.

I show much love to your materials, eventhough in the end, my friends get decreased and even i didn't perform well in high school. I DON'T CARE! It's like a sacrifice for me, because i just have you as my part of enjoyment.

This is the first time i do that to you, because it seems that you are really great, you love your job, you enjoy everything that you do. I can see that through your face, when i watch your videos, or see some screenshots. I really feel the happiness you share with me, while you are doing some scenes. That makes me think that you can be someone i really want to be in the future.

I mean it! I think, you really have something that maybe every woman in the world should have.

Yeah, as what normal people usually do, when they love someone or something, they always take a look on everything related to that thing. Throughout my 5 years of getting addicted, i just realized some important points. And those makes me cry, i have no idea that you really hide something behind your joy. You really have lots of things to hide from me.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??

I don't know that behind those cameras or screens or scenes, you hide lots of pains. Yeah, a lot.. I have no idea that you hide those things, while we are enjoying them.. 

I just know that you are one step closer for some sexually transmitted diseases, like Chlamydia, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, or even the worst, HIV. 

I just know that behind those scenes, you have possible risks for vaginal tears, anal tears, or even penile fracture that will make you consume lots of painkillers which can be very painful to you due to the possible fracture effects.

I just know that your lifestyle is really bad, consuming alcohol, steroids, or even some of you do implants that can injure your body if not taken safely, or even some stimulant pills (e.g. viagra) to make you sexually active throughout the scenes.

I just know that to create a great body like that, you need to do some stuff which is dangerous to you or even us maybe.

I just know that you really risk yourself to death from those lifestyles, as you know that some of you are death on some complications of drugs, or maybe infections which are untreated.

I just know that behind those cameras, you feel really sad on what you have just done, even some of you committed suicide due to the depression.

I just know that everything you do is almost fake, or everything you provided is not in reality, because one day, we will never experience everything that was screened on your materials.

I just know that lots of good women hate what you did, even in my country, they think you are really bad influences for the teenage girls in my country.

In the end, i just know that you don't love yourself. 

Of course, i am really sad because not only me, lots of people really enjoy your materials, without thinking what actually happened behind the scenes. I still can see some of them enjoying it right now without knowing everything, Even lots of them spend their money just to see you getting hurt more and more.

And i feel really bad, because the more people enjoy it, the more you become famous, and also the more pain you will experience. I can't even imagine what will happen with you in the next future. 

I can't... seriously, i can't..

But, seriously, that's the time where i want to get away from you. And i am doing it now! Because why? 

Because i love you.
I don't want to see you getting hurt anymore during these scenes
I don't want to see you getting stressed anymore
I don't want to see your bad lifestyles
I really want to help people to do good things, and i want to do it to you.

I remembered, one day, my friend told me that porn addiction can lead to losing empathy, and my friend is absolutely right about it. Because, i don't only lose empathy to my friends or anyone i know face-to-face, but also to you. 

WHY THE HELL I LET YOU FEEL THOSE PAINS?
WHY? WHY?

So, right now, i am trying to take steps away for you. Struggle to distance everything related to you. Because so far, that's the best way to love you, and i always hope you still doing good. I always hope you still feel really great and in the end, you can finally get out from the pain, enjoying a new life, and start to love yourself.

Will i be looking at your materials again? I can't say no, because everything that are screened has something related to porn, eventhough images, or videos, even it is soft or not. But, right now, i am just trying to take a different approach when i suddenly see that material again. 

As example, before, i used to say "oh, this is sexy" or "wow! time to get orgasm for this!"
But now, "okay, good thing" or "oh no, i should not be seeing that".

Maybe, my religion see you as a "really bad person", but not for me, i remembered a video saying that "there is no darkness, there is only light, darkness is the absence of the light". The same thing i think about you, you are not a "bad person", you are just not guided well and trapped on this bullshit. I just want to pray everything good for you, and of course, i really pray that one day, you will go away from this pain, and love yourself! That's it!
Not only that, because my religion doesn't teach about hating each other, we are just taught to love each other, that's it!

I also hope that my friend who reads this open letter will also join me in praying for you! So, you will never feel the pain anymore and you will have a greater life! Or maybe, my friend who feel the same way as me will try to get out from you also..

And, last but not least, 
Forgive me for everything i did for you, i am one of those guys who give you lots of sufferings. I have stimulated lots of pains to you by getting addicted to your materials.
Forgive me for contributing any sin for you and myself, because the more i watched, the more sin you will have because of this.
Forgive me for everything i did for these years...
Please.. forgive me...

I can't imagine you crying behind the cameras or maybe, in my home..
I really can't
I am so sad...

Anyway, i am sorry for writing this long letter, in the end, i hope God will love you and show you the way for the better! 

Forgive me for these years and those pains.. Please forgive me!

With love,
Your ex-addict


Note : Thanks to my friend, +Stuart Tutt for inspiring me to write this letter, and also for motivating me to write about my struggle to quit from this porn addiction, i wished i know him before, maybe i can start faster. A big thank you!!

You can see his letter to pornstars through this link below..
Dear Porn Star : Please Forgive Me (by Stuart Lee Tutt)

I also would like to thank my friend +Albert An for this amazing Battle Goal application, and my KIK chat group, for always giving me some great motivations so i can start it out stronger until i reached Day 26. Thanks also to bro Jake, bro Andreas, bro Ali, bro Wut, bro Karvalo, bro Kynan, and many more!

We are all fighting for this together, and we can do this!! We got this!

DAY 24 : TRUE LOVE NEVER FAILS

6 November 2015 10:35 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 24 (still strong!)

Yesterday, i just have a chat with my close female friend talking about love, actually we talked not a lot, but i don't know why we suddenly talk about it. She already had a boyfriend though (maybe!). I also talked to her about my "friendzone" case. If you don't understand what i am talking about, check it right here! At that time, she said this.

"Keep running for her until you are tired, true love never fails".

I was just thinking that it's true, but i still think if actually my love to her (someone who i just confessed days ago) is kind of true love or not. I don't know, so i just decided to do some browsing about it.

And, i found a good explanation by a psychologist named Robert Stenberg. He defined that there are about 3 phases of true love.

PHASE 1 : Passion 
This phase is actually kind of physical and sexual attraction. People called it "love at first sight". You started to get attracted on someone, pheromones are around you, chemistry and electricity in your brain started to do some random things, and of course, you really want to have your feelings reciprocated (i mean, will turn out great to him or her)

PHASE 2 : Intimacy
It's actually kind of attachment right here. Like both of you are really close and connected to each other. It really grows by spending time with the person you like. Then it grows deeper by telling about every aspects of life to each other. Yeah, it should start with trust and safety, both of you need to build that condition to reach this phase.

PHASE 3 : Commitment
Commitment in this case is.. like, you want to stay connected no matter what. To reach this phase, we should believe each other, not doing some prejudgment thing. Yeah, to really stay together, we need to break some barriers of being hurt and also resolve some issues together. For some reason, it also can be done by marriage or engagement. This phase really takes some risks, seriously!

Those 3 phases are also elaborated by Sternberg into The Triangular Theory of Love, which already described below by this picture:

which type of love do you actually have?

After reading throughout this article, i just realized that actually my love to her is actually still in Phase 2 (or maybe, Phase 1). Because, i just have passion on her, and quite intimacy also. But, it didn't turn well on the other side. So, it is concluded that my love to her is still not a kind of true love. So, to create that situation, i think, i should make her get committed to me.

Or, if we looked at this Triangle above, my love to her is like between Infatuation to Romantic Love. WOW! Infatuation actually means "falling in love"

But, yeah... Time flows, we don't know which one is best for both of us, maybe i will marry her or someone i don't know, or someone i have never thought. I really don't know, but i am always struggling to gain my "True Love" for the better version of me.

Because yeah, TRUE LOVE NEVER FAILS, like my friend said.

Source : http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/05/24/true-love-how-do-you-know/?all=1

DAY 23 : GETTING FEMALE ATTENTION (yeah!)

5 November 2015 11:18 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 23 (Michael Jordan, yeay!)

As you already read on everything, i just reached week 3 of this NoFap challenge, a.k.a Quitting Porn Addiction! It's really crazy because i have never reached Day 23, the best day so far on this NoFap challenge is just 21 days, and it was like.. 8-9 months ago.

And yeah, i just realized that the benefit kicks me in already! One of them is i just get female attention!! YEAH!! Of course, it doesn't mean i could easily get urges, or do some sexual things, since i still have to keep my virginity until marriage, because it was told by my religion.

But, lately, i just think that i feel really closer to my female friends. An example, some days ago, i just got a gift from my female friend who came back from Malaysia, after helping her on some stuff. It's a chocolate candy, with some good taste variations, like hazelnut, white milk. Not some crazy thing like BeanBoozle (i really want to try it though, haha!)

Here is it actually!

I think, there is no product placement, here.. But, if yes, sorry! Anyway, my mom likes it!

Not only that, i also feel like, lately, it's getting easier for me to have a chat with my female friends. When i was on porn, it's really hard for me to have any contact with them. Even, i feel like, some of them hate me, because i found some of them talking about me on some social media. As i already told you on my latest posts, porn destroys your friendship!!

Even one of people who i know face-to-face that knows about my porn addiction is also A GIRL! She is fine actually about it, because she knows that it's normal for men to get addicted to porn (yeah, but it's not that normal anymore).

The positive effect from this is, i can easily move on from my bad week. I mean, as you know, i just got friendzoned last week, and it's really a bad moment even i almost relapsed thinking about that bullshit. But, seems like the pain will go away faster, and it really helps me to focus on my studies, and getting some good friendship, or maybe a good future wife, haha!

I remembered last year (i mean, 2014), i just got a Valentine present from my female friend, which is actually my friend's girlfriend. I just hope that next year, i will also get Valentine present again (maybe from a girl which is single). Even though i don't believe in Valentine Day, but yeah, gift is a gift!! But, i don't really think about it, because i just want to do good things to the people.

Yeah, this is what i want to say, for those who is still struggling, keep struggling!! Don't peek yourself, find another hobbies, and of course, prevent from possible urge!!

Anyway, i want to give important shoutout to my friend, Jake from Texas (i guess), he is really incredible person, he starts making YouTube videos, talking about his struggle on this NoFap challenge. You can check his latest video here, or you can subscribe to JakeStrong 112. Funny thing is our day right now is close. He is on Day 24, while i am now on Day 23 (i actually moved to Day 24 one hour later)

DAY 20 - FINDING THE TRUSTABLE FRIENDS

2 November 2015 8:41 pm (GMT+7)

Day 20 (yeah.. finally!)

Finally, i almost reached Day 20! It's really crazy! Because in several levels, i felt that the urge approaching me has decreased (but still not significant), but for some reasons, i already feel the benefit has kicked in already. It's awesome!

Anyway, yesterday, i just did Google Hangout with my friends who are also struggling from Porn Addiction, you can see our hangout video here!

The bad thing is i just realized until the hangout ended, that my camera is not on, so you guys can't see my handsome face! OH NO! (it's actually okay though, because i am so humble, i'm afraid you guys will feel aroused by my face, just kidding, it's due to technical mistakes, not my camera's inability to resist my handsomeness, but at least, you can hear my sexy voice)

Most of the discussion is about how we all started this NoFap challenge, and the urges, struggles, passions, hobbies and stuff. Most of all, we did introduction since this is really our first Google Hangout, and i really enjoyed it!! We actually did a hangout starting on 11 am New York Time (it's about 11 pm in Indonesia)

Oh yeah, for sure, let me tell you, that we are all met together by one application, which is called Battle Goal (if you guys don't know, PLEASE DOWNLOAD IT on AppStore or Play Store, IT'S FREE!!)

After this hangout, of course, i went to sleep. But, during my struggle to sleep, i just realized that why i am so open with everyone in the hangout about my Porn Addiction, but i still didn't open it to my friends (i mean, friends i have met face-to-face about it). I mean, seriously, there is only one person i told about my Porn Addiction and he really supports my struggle.

Honestly, i already told my Porn Addiction to one person, but i have told to some of my friends who i knew from The Internet (i think, i have told 4 persons from them, one of them is a girl who i have confessed). It's actually because it's hard for me to trust anyone, especially in my campus. Yeah, my campus life is good, but there are some of my friends who is really talkative, even they can't hold any secret and i really hate it!

Yeah! I remembered last year, i told to one of my close friend that i have a crush on someone who we both knew. And, surprisingly, i was told that my crush knew that i fall in love with her, and she knew it from that close friend. What a bullshit, man! And, at that moment, i knew that there is almost anyone that i can trust to tell mysecrets, this is why i tell some of my friends that i know from Internet. 

I think, it's always hard to find trustable friends, but i remembered what my dad told me one day, that 

"if your friend talked about someone's badness to you, there could be any possibility that one day, he/she will talk about your badness to another"

And i always believe that my dad is true, and it really is!!

So, until now, less than 10 of my friends (beside the NoFap members) know about my struggle to quit porn addiction. Because i really trust them, and i think, they won't share it to everyone, or at least, if they shared, it won't give really bad effects on me. Even only 2 people know about the existence of this blog.

But, one day, when the time comes, i will tell to everyone about it. Maybe, after reaching Day 25, Day 30, i don't know. I need to consider every aspects and also risks. But, right now, i still find friends who i really trust, because i can't really hold this alone.. I need someone to support me.

DAY 17 - FRIENDZONE (again) + Evaluation

29 October 2015 8:54 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 17

Anyway, sorry for not updating yesterday Because of some academic stuff, and not regular sleep time lol. Oh yeah, finally i just reached my Day 17, so i am going for the hardest day of the struggle, as what my friend already told. Day 18-21 will be so hard, even i relapsed at those days often.

Oh yeah, as what the title of this blog already told you, i just confessed my love to a girl! But, yeah, in the very end, i get friendzoned. I don't know what to feel about this, because we know, getting friendzoned is as hurt as being single, because you don't have someone to date or, yeah, bf/gf thing.

But, we should also know, every negative thing also has a positive, even though a little. I had a chat with one of my close friend, and he even said this

"Bro, both of you guys never met each other, so, i also think, if you guys dated, it will be very risky, even it won't last long".

Yeah, friendzone is of course, not a bad thing. But, it will make you sad, like you really hope for something serious, but it didn't happen. Moment of silence for me, then!

BUT, NO NO NO!! I'm not the same as last year, like when i get friendzone, i relapse and look back at porn.

So, at that time, i decided to evaluate myself on what i have to do in the future. Because, failure is the best place to know what we should fix. And, i give you some points and also i took some tips from my friend. Here are things i already found and evaluated!

1. Confession can be a bad thing for you, just act like your girl already said "yes" to you. Like asking for hangout, treat a dinner.
2. Love is not about dating, so keep your desire for a date, just try to be a better man for girl you like.
3. Never expect too much, because the best expectation is no expectation.
4. If you failed, or maybe she didn't like you, GO AWAY!! Find another one! Maybe she may not be a good girl for you, or maybe you should fix something for her.

I actually think there are some points i already left, but yeah.. these are my evaluations, so i am really proud that i got friendzoned today, because, let's look at the bright side, i can encourage myself to be a better man, so, maybe i can marry her, or at least better than her, or we don't know, because GOD decides.

The same thing also happened to you guys, from my story, i just want to let you guys know that GIRLS ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A GOOD MAN.. (NOT HANDSOME), okay?

So, before thinking of dating or whatever, you should look at the mirror again and see whether you already deserved or not.

I will be doing that, and i hope you also do that! Thanks and Cheers for the "Friend"Zone!!!

DAY 14 : PORN DESTROYED MY LOVE STORY (+ PLANS TO RE-SHAPE)

27 October 2015 1:37 p.m (GMT +7)

Day 14 (i planned to write 2 posts today)

Before i took a nap, i chatted with my friends on kik group called "Battle Goal", and at that conversation, someone suddenly thought about having a girlfriend and getting married. I started to realize that, porn really has a negative effect on my love story.

I remembered one year ago, i had a crush on a girl from one of community i joined. We really feel so close at that time, even i remembered there is a moment where she said this

"I want to be honest with you that i really adore you, you are really a humble man".

Listening to this statement really makes me fly away.. You know, when you really fall in love with someone, the world seems really colorful to you, whatever bad things happened, you enjoyed it, just because you fall in love with her.

But, my love story ended, after one day, i lost the battle, i got overtaken by her friend, it means that she just had a boyfriend, i really remembered the date, it was 12 August last year. I really felt so sad at that time, even i remembered i relapsed on this porn addiction. Yeah, i felt really stressed that time, even porn didn't even heal it. Because, i was really close on confessing my love to her, but it was too late. I felt depressed, i felt like nothing.. I felt like, i will not find a girl like her, or maybe, better..

And, yeah, as i already told before, i relapsed, and since that, my mind started to shift negatively, i mean, i am really easy to be sensitive towards other. All things that came to my mind was just a negative thought. I got too sensitive on everything. I got easily irritated and somehow, sad on everything.

It is even worse after one moment, i decided to stalk on her (as what i used to do), and somehow, she got really angry on me, even she sneak dissed me on social media. And, everything really started worse, my relationship with her started getting worse and worse... And, of course, i blamed porn for that to happen. Because, as i already told you, porn decreased my judgement ability, porn really destroys your mind. And, yeah, porn had already destroyed my love story.. My sweetest love story

And, thank God, this doesn't happen again.. Our relationship started to get better again, we even chatted really well. We even supported each other for every possible thoughts. And, suddenly, all this love feeling towards her started to grow again.. grow again and again, like what had happened last year. But, i decreased my hope. Last year, i hoped she could be my girlfriend, while this year, i just hoped for a better relationship (maybe BFF, or something)..

To be honest with you all, we have never met in real life, we know each other on social media through a community, we never met due to some reasons, yeah, distance is one of them..

So, today or tomorrow, i am planning to reconfess my love to her again, i really want to say that i still love her no matter what happened to her. I still keep my love to her, i don't really care what will happen in the end, because yeah, i just want to confess without any possible implications. I mean, i don't want to hope for anything better, to be her best friends makes me really happy.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!

I also just realized that dating is not important for us, especially in my religion. Because, the most important thing is to have a good marriage, and also, to have a good children. Dating can be a sin to you if you did it in the wrong way (like, if you did sex before marriage, even kiss actually).

I did it because i realized that "PORN HAS DESTROYED LOVE ON EACH OTHER", and my story really proved it. And, i have been starting this NoFap struggle and reached Day 14, so, i feel really better day by day. And, i have prepared for any bad possible things that may happen.

Please, friends! If you're reading this, please pray the best for me!