DAY 0 : A BIG REVEAL!

4 February 2016, 10:26 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 0. Anyway, i just relapsed (again). and as what i have promised before, i decided to reveal about my addiction. But, anyway, i didn't reveal it on my Facebook, i decided to reveal that on Twitter instead, i still reveal on Facebook, but, by private message to some of my best friends.

"I SWEAR TO GOD...I WILL NEVER RELAPSE ANYMORE!!! TODAY WILL BE MY LAST RELAPSE!!
IF I RELAPSE, I WILL TELL OPENLY ABOUT MY PORN ADDICTION ON FACEBOOK!!"

You can read my post here, but it's in Indonesian..

I still have kind of traumatic feeling, because of what just happened several years ago, when i asked my friend for help to quit my porn addiction. I told it to some of them, but unfortunately, it was spread throughout the school, and some of my friends called me "hypersex".

But, for right now, i revealed it for several reasons. One of them is i am not afraid right now for whatever risks it may take! I know, some people will probably hate me because i have this kind of addiction, but for me, i don't really care that much. Because, i know, it's better to be hated for telling the truth rather than to be loved for telling the lies. Sometimes, we know that truth may hurt you, but it's just a temporary pain, as long as i still struggle and thrive for my best, i will get out of it, and they even start to forget it.

Right now, i decided to start writing again in the last format i used to have when i reached 45 days of quitting. I know, it will be a really long and strong journey, but i know, one day, i will have my biggest smile if i succeed, i can see the possible advantage. I also feel sick today, so i guess, GOD has already deleted my sins, or let's just say, it's kind of a punishment to what i have done in the past, so i just want to see the bright side.

I also installed applications that i always use during my NoFap struggle, because i know, it's gonna worth in the end. I decided to do counting days again because i think it's the best method for me.

LET'S START AGAIN FROM DAY 0!!

NEW MORNING! NEW STRUGGLE!

Thursday, 21 January 2016

05:19 a.m (GMT+7)

Good morning folks. I just woke up after large hours of sleep. Lately, i feel so depressed after failing one of my exam. At least, i failed a chance to get a cumlaude. It also made me relapse yesterday. And it made me more... depressed..

It took me about hours to cure from my depression. I even had a small fight with my mother, and i just found out that the curse is BACK!! I mean, like, 1 year ago, if i relapsed my addiction, i will have a small fight with my mom, the fight is not related with my porn addiction. It can come from any source, maybe my laziness, or my stupid acts, or whatever. My mom will get angered at me. Lately, i didn't feel the curse on my latest relapses. But, now, i feel it again!!

So, last night, i chatted on one WHATSAPP group with this,

"I SWEAR TO GOD...

I WILL NEVER RELAPSE ANYMORE!!! TODAY WILL BE MY LAST RELAPSE!!

IF I RELAPSE, I WILL TELL OPENLY ABOUT MY PORN ADDICTION ON FACEBOOK!!"

Thank GOD they are supporting my acts, so i feel really great eventhough my depression didn't go as expected. So, i decided to take lots of sleep, since i heard from a proverb saying that "pillows will solve your problems".

And right now, it's already in the morning, i started again my struggle to beat my porn addiction. I decided to write again, so i can express what i feel and i hope i can still inspire lots of people to quit my porn addiction..

About the revealing, i have a plan to do it after one month of success. Please pray for me!

NEW MORNING, NEW STRUGGLE!!

DAY 33 : GOOD NEWS AND SPECIAL THANKS!!

15 November 2015 5:38 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 33

I'm planning to put separate 2 posts, which are good news and bad news. First of all, Apologize for my late post, because have to prepare for the exam.

Anyway, i'm just reaching Day 33, and i have 2 sides of news, i mean... GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS! The bad news will be on another post..

I want to start with the Good News first.. YEAH!! I JUST REACHED THE NEW MILESTONE!! DAY 30!! I feel like a great person after reaching 30 days.. This is a really incredible milestone, after facing several challenges, triggers, and urges. I reached the milestone. It's really awesome!

I really want to thank everyone in the Battle Goal community, especially to bro +Albert An and +JakeStrong 112 for having a really incredible hangout. Anyway, this is our first and second hangout session. In case, you don't know about hangout. It's actually a feature by Google, where you can chat with everyone across the world. It's like Skype, but sponsored by Google. You need to have a Google Mail first to join it.

Anyway, these are the hangout videos!

Above, it's the video of my first hangout. Yeah! Mostly about introduction

And, this is our second hangout last week. We talked about several things, about turning addiction into good things. (FACTS : i hold a poster there, it's actually someone who inspired my Day 21 post. Read it here!)

Also, i want to thanks to my bro +andreas van niekkerk for keep reading and waiting for my next blog post. You can reach the good milestone as what i have done today. You are also one of the reason why i keep blogging about my journey.

Anyway, maybe, at Day 34 post, or whatever... I will be planning to open about this blog to my friends that i know.. So, yeah, good luck!!

I have felt lots of great benefits so far. I don't know again what to write..

DAY 24 : TRUE LOVE NEVER FAILS

6 November 2015 10:35 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 24 (still strong!)

Yesterday, i just have a chat with my close female friend talking about love, actually we talked not a lot, but i don't know why we suddenly talk about it. She already had a boyfriend though (maybe!). I also talked to her about my "friendzone" case. If you don't understand what i am talking about, check it right here! At that time, she said this.

"Keep running for her until you are tired, true love never fails".

I was just thinking that it's true, but i still think if actually my love to her (someone who i just confessed days ago) is kind of true love or not. I don't know, so i just decided to do some browsing about it.

And, i found a good explanation by a psychologist named Robert Stenberg. He defined that there are about 3 phases of true love.

PHASE 1 : Passion 
This phase is actually kind of physical and sexual attraction. People called it "love at first sight". You started to get attracted on someone, pheromones are around you, chemistry and electricity in your brain started to do some random things, and of course, you really want to have your feelings reciprocated (i mean, will turn out great to him or her)

PHASE 2 : Intimacy
It's actually kind of attachment right here. Like both of you are really close and connected to each other. It really grows by spending time with the person you like. Then it grows deeper by telling about every aspects of life to each other. Yeah, it should start with trust and safety, both of you need to build that condition to reach this phase.

PHASE 3 : Commitment
Commitment in this case is.. like, you want to stay connected no matter what. To reach this phase, we should believe each other, not doing some prejudgment thing. Yeah, to really stay together, we need to break some barriers of being hurt and also resolve some issues together. For some reason, it also can be done by marriage or engagement. This phase really takes some risks, seriously!

Those 3 phases are also elaborated by Sternberg into The Triangular Theory of Love, which already described below by this picture:

which type of love do you actually have?

After reading throughout this article, i just realized that actually my love to her is actually still in Phase 2 (or maybe, Phase 1). Because, i just have passion on her, and quite intimacy also. But, it didn't turn well on the other side. So, it is concluded that my love to her is still not a kind of true love. So, to create that situation, i think, i should make her get committed to me.

Or, if we looked at this Triangle above, my love to her is like between Infatuation to Romantic Love. WOW! Infatuation actually means "falling in love"

But, yeah... Time flows, we don't know which one is best for both of us, maybe i will marry her or someone i don't know, or someone i have never thought. I really don't know, but i am always struggling to gain my "True Love" for the better version of me.

Because yeah, TRUE LOVE NEVER FAILS, like my friend said.

Source : http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/05/24/true-love-how-do-you-know/?all=1

DAY 22 : JUST A DIARY (1)

4 November 2015 11:46 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 22

I'm sorry for the short update, i am gonna tell about some stuff happening this day, it may be short, because there is no significant thing happened.

First, i woke up nice, and started school at 10 a.m. I also had a test at 2 p.m, THANK GOD it ended well. Actually, since yesterday, i decided to play Ingress again (it's like an adventure game by using real world as a "map", it's great, bro!). It happened because my friends in the college also played it, and luckily they are on the same team as me. So, we can collaborate together then.

And, actually, there is a bad moment this night, where i almost lost my Campus Orientation Certificate. It's really bad because it is needed as a requirement for me to graduate. Yeah, hearing this news, my mother got angry at me, and it really turns my urge on. But, yeah, i managed it like a pro. So, i still keep this struggle continue, day by day. It's already Day 22, and i will reach Day 23.

The crazy thing for today is "I CAN'T SLEEP!!!"

Hope i don't get any urges or relapses then, since i've been working really hard for this.