5/100 : ME ON VALENTINE'S DAY

14 February 2015, 8:30 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 5 of 100

So, today is 14 February! AND, TODAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY!!

YEAAAY!! YEAAY!! YEE........... (i am still single, :"""""( *cries)

Anyway, in my lovely country, there has been some controversies against Valentine's Day. Since, the majority of us are Muslim, and most people who celebrates Valentine's Day are Christian, or i think, it has something related with Christianity, i don't know actually, just feel free to correct me.

Even there is a movement called "I Am Muslim and I Say No To Valentine", which i think it's really bullshit and against the tolerance. As you know, Indonesia is a country which has lots of ethnics, races, and of course, cultures, and religions. We actually have 6 religions which are accepted by our government. And, of course, we live together in tolerance as we are already taught by our ideology.

Of course, i don't celebrate Valentine's Day, i am not against it, but i just think it doesn't make sense to celebrate it, one of the reason is because i am still single (i am not dating any girl, eventhough i almost, but yeah. ALMOST IS NEVER ENOUGH!!)

Let me give the better explanation, also from my own perspective.

Mostly, on Valentine's Day, people state their love and give some presents, mostly chocolate, flowers, or some pink objects. I just think that if people celebrate Valentine's Day just to give those things, i think, why should we wait for Valentine's Day, while we can even give them everyday? or at least we can just give them whenever you want!

You can even state your love to someone whenever you want, because LOVE IS A RACE!

So, one more time, i am not against Valentine's Day, but i am not going to celebrate Valentine's Day like what most people do, eventhough i remembered 2 years ago, i got a chocolate from a girl (she has dated with friend, though)

Happy Valentine's Day
Everyday the 14th!!

Anyway, Valentine's Day can also lead to some possible sexual relationships, just don't do unsafe sex, or at least, don't even visit porn if you are single!!

DAY 1 : DISEASE ALSO COMES FROM THE SOUL!!!

4 February 2016, 6:50 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 1

Let's just say, i haven't completely finished my Day 1 yet. But, yeah, i just want to put this as my Day 1 post though, since i just think, I WILL FINISH MY DAY 1. I feel really optimistic on it, i just re-download my application i used when i reached 45 DAY STREAK!!

Anyway, today, i decided to read a book i bought for about 1-2 months ago (i guess), it's actually called "99 Inspirasi Petang untuk Setiap Muslim", or you can just translate it as "99 Evening Inspiration for A Muslim", but actually, it's not only for Muslim, i think, some other religions can use the message from these books as well, because i think, we can get the message logically.

One of the pages i read is about the disease and how it relates with our soul, i am also writing this to commemorate World Cancer Day. Since Cancer has become a really dangerous disease for everyone, and people are really afraid to get that. There are lots of famous people who died after battling with cancer, like Steve Jobs, or more recently, the legendary musician, David Bowie. We also know that cancer is actually caused by something might be wrong with our immune system.

It's not even something new anymore that there are some medical complaints that are mainly caused by our psychologic condition, this is called as "psychosomatic disease", like joint pain, muscle cramps, abdominal cramps, or even hypertension, or headache. Even the doctor in my country can't access them well, it kinda sucks, because psychosomatic disease is actually the most disease that is often consulted in our primary health care (note for me!)

Anyway, what is the relation with our soul and cancer?

Let's be real honest. Some medical researches have shown a correlation within our soul condition and immune system. When we get angry, our immune system might be depressed, so that's why we can easily catch some diseases just because we get angry or maybe we get depressed over something. or maybe even if we have bad characters, such as being apathic, negative thinking, or always feel lonely. This can possibly lead you to some chronic diseases, like diabetes, heart disease, hepatitis, or even cancer. So, yeah, keep your feeling and thinking positive!!

And of course, i can really relate this to my NoFap struggle, because porn addiction can sometimes cause you stress (especially after you relapsed), feel guilty, apathic, negative thinking, easily sensitive. It also can decrease your immune system as well, so i can just say that porn addiction can indirectly lead you to cancer. I say it, INDIRECT!!! NOT DIRECT!!!

So, yeah, watch out! Maintain your soul condition, not only your physical condition, because disease can also come from the soul, not just the body!!

Have a good struggle and let's fight together for the 24 hours of better life!!

YOU. ARE. NOT. THE. FATHER!!

27 January 2016, 5:40 p.m (GMT+7)

This morning, i browsed on some YouTube videos (yeah, i really have no activity for several months, so that's why i decided to blog again), and i found a video that has become such a meme thing, yeah. It's actually from a quite controversial reality show, maybe some of you who lives in USA know this or some who has been living under the rock (i mean, the World of Internet). The reality show is called Maury, and it has two segments that really caught my attention. Yeah, it caught my attention of how bad our young generations are right now, i am not talking about USA, i am talking about the worldwide.

One of them is the paternity test, it was most famous for the catchphrase, "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!', it was also famous for some people reacting to that phrase, like these!

They of course do the DNA test just to make sure whether the baby that is being in the episode is the man's son or not. By this episode, i can also see that the sexual life of people in USA is really crazy, like how hard is it to find someone in USA who is still a virgin. Not like in my country, if you are not a virgin, you must be someone bad (yeah, i mean losing virginity before marriage), because our norm tells us that we have to keep virginity before marriage. (right now, same also from my country)

One of the causes of how free sex is a normal thing in some countries is the exposure to pornography. Of course, to perform such a sexual intercourse, we need to know the example, i am talking about the media to show you how to do it. Yeah, the only way is by pornography media, whether it is video, photo, or audio. We also know that pornography consumption in the worldwide is so.. goddamn.. crazy.. You can also see in the PornHub statistics in 2015 that at least every person on Earth viewed about 12 videos, or let's say every second, there is about 6,700 visits from Earth (of course!)

GODDAMN! So much people viewed porn right now, or they don't even realize they have been doing wrong everyday. You know that some sites are paid based on their number of visits. Imagine how much money PornHub can get just from one day!!

DAMN!! TOO MUCH MONEY FOR THEM!!

It kinda makes me scared that right now porn sites has similar amount of visits as social media or maybe search engine..

Yeah, back to this Maury thing. I was always shocked by the fact that there are lots of women coming to the show, bringing her children, and finding their biological father, even some of the guests don't suggest or admit having sex with one man, more than one! Crazy on how easy they can have sex.

I am just hoping one day that free sex in this planet will decrease, or let's just say, more abstinence to the people. I will tell you later about it..

Of course, if i was appointed to that program, Mr. Maury will always say "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!", since i am still a virgin. I only get addicted to porn media, not to the sexual intercourse (eventhough i also wished for it).

I just hope i can keep my virginity until my marriage.
I hope..

DAY 23 : GETTING FEMALE ATTENTION (yeah!)

5 November 2015 11:18 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 23 (Michael Jordan, yeay!)

As you already read on everything, i just reached week 3 of this NoFap challenge, a.k.a Quitting Porn Addiction! It's really crazy because i have never reached Day 23, the best day so far on this NoFap challenge is just 21 days, and it was like.. 8-9 months ago.

And yeah, i just realized that the benefit kicks me in already! One of them is i just get female attention!! YEAH!! Of course, it doesn't mean i could easily get urges, or do some sexual things, since i still have to keep my virginity until marriage, because it was told by my religion.

But, lately, i just think that i feel really closer to my female friends. An example, some days ago, i just got a gift from my female friend who came back from Malaysia, after helping her on some stuff. It's a chocolate candy, with some good taste variations, like hazelnut, white milk. Not some crazy thing like BeanBoozle (i really want to try it though, haha!)

Here is it actually!

I think, there is no product placement, here.. But, if yes, sorry! Anyway, my mom likes it!

Not only that, i also feel like, lately, it's getting easier for me to have a chat with my female friends. When i was on porn, it's really hard for me to have any contact with them. Even, i feel like, some of them hate me, because i found some of them talking about me on some social media. As i already told you on my latest posts, porn destroys your friendship!!

Even one of people who i know face-to-face that knows about my porn addiction is also A GIRL! She is fine actually about it, because she knows that it's normal for men to get addicted to porn (yeah, but it's not that normal anymore).

The positive effect from this is, i can easily move on from my bad week. I mean, as you know, i just got friendzoned last week, and it's really a bad moment even i almost relapsed thinking about that bullshit. But, seems like the pain will go away faster, and it really helps me to focus on my studies, and getting some good friendship, or maybe a good future wife, haha!

I remembered last year (i mean, 2014), i just got a Valentine present from my female friend, which is actually my friend's girlfriend. I just hope that next year, i will also get Valentine present again (maybe from a girl which is single). Even though i don't believe in Valentine Day, but yeah, gift is a gift!! But, i don't really think about it, because i just want to do good things to the people.

Yeah, this is what i want to say, for those who is still struggling, keep struggling!! Don't peek yourself, find another hobbies, and of course, prevent from possible urge!!

Anyway, i want to give important shoutout to my friend, Jake from Texas (i guess), he is really incredible person, he starts making YouTube videos, talking about his struggle on this NoFap challenge. You can check his latest video here, or you can subscribe to JakeStrong 112. Funny thing is our day right now is close. He is on Day 24, while i am now on Day 23 (i actually moved to Day 24 one hour later)

DAY 14 : PORN DESTROYED MY LOVE STORY (+ PLANS TO RE-SHAPE)

27 October 2015 1:37 p.m (GMT +7)

Day 14 (i planned to write 2 posts today)

Before i took a nap, i chatted with my friends on kik group called "Battle Goal", and at that conversation, someone suddenly thought about having a girlfriend and getting married. I started to realize that, porn really has a negative effect on my love story.

I remembered one year ago, i had a crush on a girl from one of community i joined. We really feel so close at that time, even i remembered there is a moment where she said this

"I want to be honest with you that i really adore you, you are really a humble man".

Listening to this statement really makes me fly away.. You know, when you really fall in love with someone, the world seems really colorful to you, whatever bad things happened, you enjoyed it, just because you fall in love with her.

But, my love story ended, after one day, i lost the battle, i got overtaken by her friend, it means that she just had a boyfriend, i really remembered the date, it was 12 August last year. I really felt so sad at that time, even i remembered i relapsed on this porn addiction. Yeah, i felt really stressed that time, even porn didn't even heal it. Because, i was really close on confessing my love to her, but it was too late. I felt depressed, i felt like nothing.. I felt like, i will not find a girl like her, or maybe, better..

And, yeah, as i already told before, i relapsed, and since that, my mind started to shift negatively, i mean, i am really easy to be sensitive towards other. All things that came to my mind was just a negative thought. I got too sensitive on everything. I got easily irritated and somehow, sad on everything.

It is even worse after one moment, i decided to stalk on her (as what i used to do), and somehow, she got really angry on me, even she sneak dissed me on social media. And, everything really started worse, my relationship with her started getting worse and worse... And, of course, i blamed porn for that to happen. Because, as i already told you, porn decreased my judgement ability, porn really destroys your mind. And, yeah, porn had already destroyed my love story.. My sweetest love story

And, thank God, this doesn't happen again.. Our relationship started to get better again, we even chatted really well. We even supported each other for every possible thoughts. And, suddenly, all this love feeling towards her started to grow again.. grow again and again, like what had happened last year. But, i decreased my hope. Last year, i hoped she could be my girlfriend, while this year, i just hoped for a better relationship (maybe BFF, or something)..

To be honest with you all, we have never met in real life, we know each other on social media through a community, we never met due to some reasons, yeah, distance is one of them..

So, today or tomorrow, i am planning to reconfess my love to her again, i really want to say that i still love her no matter what happened to her. I still keep my love to her, i don't really care what will happen in the end, because yeah, i just want to confess without any possible implications. I mean, i don't want to hope for anything better, to be her best friends makes me really happy.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!

I also just realized that dating is not important for us, especially in my religion. Because, the most important thing is to have a good marriage, and also, to have a good children. Dating can be a sin to you if you did it in the wrong way (like, if you did sex before marriage, even kiss actually).

I did it because i realized that "PORN HAS DESTROYED LOVE ON EACH OTHER", and my story really proved it. And, i have been starting this NoFap struggle and reached Day 14, so, i feel really better day by day. And, i have prepared for any bad possible things that may happen.

Please, friends! If you're reading this, please pray the best for me!

DAY 6 : LEARNING FROM PAST RELAPSES

19 October 2015 8:41 p.m (GMT+7)

DAY 6

Actually, i just know that the journey to quit Porn is mostly called as "NoFap Challenge", so yeah, i've been joining NoFap challenge for 6 days, it means this is my Day 6. To support that, i've engaged myself to so many groups related to NoFap. I have joined 2 WhatsApp groups related to NoFap, 1 kik group (i actually downloaded kik just to join the group, lol!), and 2 Facebook groups.

During those social media groups, i have gained so many friends worldwide (none of them from my country, and i feel really sad). And, on this Day 6, most of the conversations are about RELAPSES!!

In a Whatsapp group called "No Fapperz", there are 3 members that just relapsed on the same day and 1 member relapsed yesterday. And, on a kik group called "Battle Goal", people also talked about relapse.

Honestly, that makes me really worried about another possible relapse, since in these last 3 days, i have got some urges due to some stress (physical and emotional), i even had a dream on having wetdream (not due to porn, of course) yesterday (Thanks God it's not real, though).

You know, i have been 6 days struggling for this NoFap thing. And, some people remind me when you have reached 10-20 days, you are going to get some big tests that will end yourself getting relapse again. So, i decided to take a look back on how i relapsed and why i relapsed (mistake is the best teacher!).

source : twk92.wordpress.com

I already have made it on the Day 1 post, though.. you can read it here

So, in this post, i want to talk about the story of what actually happened during my past relapses!

1. My latest relapse!! (i remember the day because i wrote it here, and that made me start writing daily). It happened because i peeked on porn video, i did it because i feel sleepy at all, and i just hoped that after listening to some stimulus, i will be awake again.

But, in the end, i just keep searching for porn video, and BAM! I RELAPSED AT THAT TIME!! I even feel stressed that i kicked myself out from "No Fapperz" group in Whatsapp.

2. Relapse after the bad exam! (around 8 October). It happened because i just didn't score well at my exam, i was on Day 10 or 11, and i feel stressed. I can't even resist myself for watching porn, because i feel really spiritless. Even, after my friend in college motivated me, i still feel down (until now actually, but not really) at that time,

So i decided to reduce my stress after watching porn. But, this time, i just feel not concentrated at all, and keep watching the whole day (i relapsed at noon, and i even keep searching at evening).

3. Relapse after big stress! (around 19 September). This could be my longest streak, since... i actually don't know (maybe February this year). I was on Day 18-19 for NoFap. At least, this is my longest streak during my NoFap journey (i joined this NoFap journey since August this year).

Actually, 3 days before (16 Sept), i have just finished and passed my thesis examination (or maybe, graduating paper). And, day after that test, i feel really stressed for no reason, feel depressed for no reason, or feel spiritless at all. And, it all summed up with feeling lonely and uncontrolled, so i decided to "peek" again on something that makes me happy. And, yeah, as you know, i ended up finding porn materials. And, of course, I RELAPSED!

4. Relapse due to feeling lonely (1 September). This is actually crazy, because it happened on the day where i just went to college for 1-2 hours. And, i just peeked on audio sex (like phone sex recording or something). Yeah, i RELAPSED OF COURSE!! At that time, i really felt lonely, and had nothing to do

5. Relapse after a stressing exam (4 August). At that day, i just finished an examination. Really, it's unpredictable! It's not hard anyway, but the pressure i had from the examiners made the examination really hard! I even feel stressed after the exam. I was on Day 13 at that time, and i feel stressed. I feel lonely, and i think, if i watched porn video, it will make me better. So, yeah, I RELAPSED

6. Relapse on November 2014. I actually decided to stay abstinence because i registered as a Lab Assistant (it's really prestigious job for college student), so i have to take a test but 1 day before the test announcements. My laptop has just got broken. And, i feel really stressed, so of course, BAM! RELAPSE!!

And, from those relapses. I found that after you relapsed, you will find it hard to get back up. It means that you will need lots of days to start NoFap struggle again. I also felt the same on my latest relapse. I need about 4-5 days to be really serious on starting NoFap again.

Moral of those stories are... While you are on NoFap struggle, or let's say, having abstinence on PMO. Physical and emotional stress will come to you at anytime, it will cause you to have urge that will make you relapsed. So, all you have to do are:

1. STAY POSITIVE!
2. If you are alone in your home, GET OUT FROM YOUR HOME, GO SOMEWHERE YOU WANT! (and realize, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! GOD IS WATCHING YOU!)
3. Less Internet consumption, if you need, just go and find some interesting videos (or maybe Funny) (i did it and it was proven well, read it here!), or maybe read some nice articles
4. Have a cold shower, because it can increase your immunity, decrease your stress, and also decrease your fat, and of course, decrease your urge
5. When you have urge, tell some of your friends, so they can motivate you
6. If you are using VPN application, GO AND DELETE IT!
7. NEVER HAVE ANY INTENTION TO PEEK ON SOME PORN-RELATED MEDIA!

AND OF COURSE!! YOU GON' BE ALRIGHT!!

source : Kendrick Lamar - Alright (Official Music Video) screenshot

DAY 2 : PORN MADE ME DO IT!

15 October 2015, 00:18 a.m (GMT+7)

DAY 2

In this Day 2 writing, i want to start telling you guys my story of porn addiction. I mean, i want to tell you guys the things that really happened to me since i got addicted to porn. Here are the things that have happened to me!

1. I am called "stupid", or maybe not stupid. The last time i did the full IQ test was in 2012, when i have to determine my next step, i mean, where i am gonna go for the university. And, you know what, i just found out that my IQ is actually 103. It's really bad because almost lots of my friends got higher score than me. Of course, i blamed my porn addiction for making these things happen. Because, there are several research saying that porn viewing can decrease your IQ

2. I often put bad decision, or if not, bad judgement. One thing that i really remember is about 3 weeks ago. I did a really stupid job, that ended up getting my coat burned. It's actually hard to tell in English about how that happened. But, yeah, in a easier way, i didn't think before doing something. I just really have quick action without thinking

3. I am always easy to say something out, and it turns out bad. I am not actually a big mouth (i mean, a gossip boy), but sometimes, i can say something that can hurt people. I just remembered how i get kicked from my batch LINE group (LINE is a messenger application, if you guys don't know), just by saying something stupid. And, it all happens because of my bad judgement. For those of you guys, there is also a scientific research showing that porn addiction can decrease your prefrontal cortex ability. Prefrontal cortex is an area of the brain that has the function of judgement

4. My grades are decreasing! Yeah, this 3rd year has been a bad year for me, because i underperformed. 3rd year of college is also one of the peak of me to consume pornography. But, in the end of the 3rd year (which is on the Summer 2015), i decided to be serious on the Porn Quit. And, thanks to the remediation (i mean, fixing up some grades), my grade is back increasing again. But, yeah, that was bad.

5. I lost some good friendship. It all happens because of some factors, because of my bad judgement, and also people still think porn addiction is a bad thing. Some of my friends (in high school) who introduced me to porn also hates me or even makes fun of me for being "hyper-sex" or whatever else. But, right now, i am now on the right track to get more and more good friendship again, and also build some respects from my friend.

6. I failed on getting girlfriend. This is also a sad story. Last year, i approached a girl, in my opinion, she is perfect for me, i like her personality eventhough maybe she is not as beautiful as Taylor Swift or whatever. But, for me, she is like a wife material. And, when it comes to D-Day to state my love to her, she was already TAKEN!! AND, IT HAPPENED FOR ME TWO TIMES!! Right now, i am still thinking about that girl, and i still wished one day, i could marry her, or maybe the girl who has the same personality as her in the future. Amen.

Actually, i still have lots of thing to write. One of them is i almost have suicidal thoughts, just because of all that stuff. But, THANK GOD, i still have some good friends who still can motivate me and still takes me positively, eventhough i already have lots of negative stuff coming towards me.

And, for that every bad things that happened throughout my porn addiction period.
I just realized that PORN MADE ME DO IT...

PORN MADE ME RECEIVED ALL THOSE BULLSHITS
PORN MADE ME DID EVERY BAD THINGS THAT IS STUPID

PORN MADE ME DO IT, and IT'S REALLY AWFUL..
AND OF COURSE, I WANT TO QUIT, SO MY LIFE GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL