DAY 4 : Almost relapse

14 March 2018, 12:38 a.m (GMT+7)

It’s been two days I haven’t given any update on this blog. Now, I’m writing this during my first night shift in the inpatient unit. Thankfully, the patients are in stable condition so they can sleep without any complaints. And, the coffee starts working so I am still fully awake now.

Now, I am actually doing fine, still surviving from relapses. Although, several hours ago, I experienced a crazy urge because of me staying for a long time at home. But, due to the slow wi-fi connection in my home, I decided to divert my attention by learning about several diseases and also drugs that I should prescribe for certain diseases.

Yeah, yesterday have been quite a mess. So, that was my first day working in an outpatient clinic in the same hospital. And, many patients came in. That time, I kinda felt confused since I am still not used with the workflow there. Unlike inpatient unit, the outpatient one is about speed and accuracy in decision-making. I have to check patients for their disease history and do an effective examination. Unlike the inpatient one, while I have to consult several specialists for a better treatment decision.

So, after my outpatient shift ends, I started to regret for my unpreparedness. I decided to go outside to a café near my house, drinking a lemon tea, and eat with my friend who worked in a different hospital. There, we talked a lot about our activities and how we approach some diseases. Yeah, we both are still fresh doctors, we still are not introduced to the clinical jobs. So, sometimes, we are confused of some administrative stuffs, like the availability of drugs that we want to prescribe, or even the flowchart of services. Eventhough, we have our orientation process, but, somehow, we always forget.

It also leads to that urge. Loneliness, regret, and boredom. Those three combinations happened in the morning when I woke up. I didn’t want to do anything else that time. Just to stay in bed, and play some games. So, by that, I started thinking about a sentence I used to say as an encouragement to not relapse.

“I AM ONE PORN AWAY FROM TROUBLE.”

Yeah. After several thinking, I realized that everytime I relapsed on porn, I had a hard time socializing. I felt easily irritated by stuff, lost some confidence, and many negativity happened after that. That time, I realized I don’t want to relapse anymore.

I know, it’s still a long way for me to start becoming a better person. But, I need to try something new again. Maybe, reading some interesting stuff, or training some skills. I’ll figure it out later. Now, I am just happy I am still on the streak.

TAKING DRIVING LESSONS..

28 January 2016, 11:29 a.m (GMT+7)

Good afternoon folks from Indonesia! Anyway, i am just having a good day, while i find out, i just got a good mark from my previous courses!! YEAAAY!!

Yeah, still need to wait for the other courses, so i could probably get my GPA >3.5, which means i will graduate with cum laude. Anyway, right now, i don't have classes anymore, because i already finished my academic process. I am supposed to have a graduation ceremony on May. But, i need to wait for my clinical rotation, i mean, the date, or whether i am qualified to join the First Phase of Clinical Rotation. If i passed, i will join it on March. Looking forward to them!

To fulfill my spare time, right now, i am taking some lessons, like writing lessons (like i supposed to do), and also.. DRIVING LESSONS!! Yeah! I just bought a car, or let's say, i was bought a car by my parents, yeah, it's good, because i need to have a car for my Clinical Rotation, since i will be going everywhere, so i need some good vehicles. I used to ride my motorcycle, but i can't use it for long-distance importance.

Actually, the last time i took driving lesson was about 1,5 year ago. And, i decided to take again since i need to be able to drive my new car, it's still fresh outta garage, though. Anyway, this is my second day, i supposed to take driving lessons for about 1 week for now. So, i can bring my own car real quick, of course, maybe with some errors (let's just say, minor accidents, but let's make it to zero).

During the lesson, my instructor told me that the importance when it comes to driving is the calmness and concentration. Those are my biggest weakness in life, i can't keep calm, and also i can't concentrate well, that's why during my several struggle to beat my porn addiction, i experienced so many relapses. I really can't concentrate well also, that also blocks me to post something on my blog (i supposed to write something 2 days ago, but it wasn't released even, my bad). I just hope i can master my driving skills and also master my concentration skills.

Concentration and calmness are also needed for me as a medical students (or let's just say doctor wannabe). we need a really good concentration while handling some medical cases that needed a really accurate approach, and also calmness to make us remain professional to the patient's family. I just hope that these courses will indirectly help me to increase my concentration and calmness skills.

So, right now, let's advance for my better life, then!!

IT'S BETTER THIS WAY

Friday, 22 January 2016

8 : 09 p.m (GMT + 7)

Today, i just finished my first day of re-struggling for this NoFap.. yeah, i mean, getting rid of my porn addiction. It was a really tough day, the urge is getting stronger. It is really hard because after successfully become abstinence for 45 days, i experienced so many relapses. Even in the first month, i relapsed 3 times.

Yeah, it is really bad for me since right now, i am targeting to have my 95% days of 2016 without porn, so far i relapsed 3 times, it means i have 3 days of porn. It is kind of bad start because we didnt finish first month f 2016 and i have been exposed to porn for 3 days. i started to get pessimistic on my target.

But, it is still the first month of 2016, there are still 11 months left, so, i still need to struggle more on my target, and for that, i checked on how i succeeded to reach 45 days free porn. And i think that i succeeded because of my writing habit. At that time, i used to write everything i feel, i experienced, i read, or whatever comes to my mind. I also shared this to some of my accountable friends, i always participate in NoFap-related group even join the YouTube hangout (i wish i still have it).

By doing those activities, i feel more triggered to do positive things, more than when i used to relapse 2 months ago. When i relapsed on addiction, i was too lazy to do activities, like writing, i didn't even write ahy single blog at all, while experimenting on another way to NoFap, and.. i failed..

Yeah, i think, writing is still the best way for me to succeed again in NoFap, and also to reach better life..
And right now i am back writing stuff, because for me... it's better this way..

DAY 40 : THIRD CHALLENGE... REDUCE BODY FAT!! (+ announcement)

22 November 2015 9:14 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 40

GOD!! I HAVE REACHED DAY 40!!! YES!!! This is going further and further.. So, right now, i decided to do something, which is.. starting from tomorrow, my format post is not talking about days anymore.. Because, i think, NoFap is not about counting days, it's about how to set goals for better life in the future.. And, i have been getting some benefits, so, the only thing i want to do is keep going, while thinking about what to do in the future.

Anyway, during this 40 days, i have so much urge, tomorrow, my holiday ended. So, i am about to do some activities again in college. Yeah!! But, not only during 30 days, i also eat more and more.. i didn't do any single workout again, yeah since my motorcycle accident. I often do jogging, it's not actually jogging, i just jog to make me able to play Ingress, lol!! (anyway, if you don't know about Ingress, go google it!!). But, it is really bad that during those days, i started to gain some weights.. It's crazy!

So, i decided to do another challenge, yeah, it's my third challenge, which is to reduce body fat. I am right now targeting for 2 weeks challenge. I just watched a video on how to reduce body fats, and it was stated that you have to do workout early in the morning with full stomach for about 20-30 minutes. I kinda think it's good, since i will be really busy in the afternoon, and also during the rainy season, rain usually falls in the afternoon or maybe night.

I think, doing workout may also be good on assisting me throughout this NoFap challenge, because when you get sweaty, you will feel sexy.. I mean, i don't know, i feel like, the sweat goes out from my body and bringing some sexual urges. It's really great. So, i decided to do it, i am about to update you guys about my 2 week challenge..

But, yeah, all i am really afraid of is also about the consistency. Sometimes, i always be full with assignments and lectures, so maybe i can prepare and learn it at night before. So, i can stay focused on my challenge.

Yeah, i decided to do 2 WEEK CHALLENGE OF BODY FAT REDUCTION!! I WILL UPDATE THE RESULT TO YOU!!

DAY 38 : START TO WRITE AND SHARE!!

20 November 2015, 7:02 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 38

2 days to reach another milestone, which is 40 days of porn-free, or at least masturbation and orgasm-free, or whatever.. at least, not in the pornography world.

Yesterday, i just finished my assignment which is about narrative writing. I was asked to create a narrative text about someone who got a chronic illness, and i decided to write about myself. Because, i thought that addiction is also a chronic illness. It was supported by American Society of Addiction Medicine that, "addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory, and related circuitry". So, yeah, it depends on how we want to say it, but scientifically it's a chronic disease.

Anyway, i heard from the lecturer that the top 10 assignment will be published or at least, made a journal. First time, after submitting the assignment, i felt scared if this will be included in the top 10. But, now, i don't care much, because seriously, i think, this will be a really great moment or way to tell about my story, yeah, my story on how i struggled to get out from this porn addiction.

I am not afraid of anything, because, i am just being honest. I really like to be honest on everything, not everything though. But, at least, for this porn addiction, i am not afraid to share this to you all, right now. Because, it was or will be my past. And i will be proud to say this. I also wish that one day, my story can be an inspiration to another, or at least give benefits to other people.

Because, i was taught that the best person on earth is a person who always gives benefits to others. And why should i be hated for being honest?? Maybe, people will hate me, but, i think, it won't last long. Because, maybe, they didn't understand about it. Just think positive about it.

Anyway, let's be honest, i really enjoy blogging or typing all these posts in every single moment. Because why, i did this for lots of things. Let me tell you!

1. I really have passion for writing. I don't know, but i really enjoy it.
2. Writing can be a therapy for me. Sometimes, i still got urges on pornography, so i decided to open my blog and write something, yeah, at least a draft. And, suddenly, the urges started to decrease, and i can do another activities as well, like learning, reading, or whatever positive..
3. I have gained lots of positive feedback from my friends about my blog. Even i remembered one of my friend said this.
"I have seen your blog, seems that you are really a good writer"

Or even these statements

Sorry for all the names shared in this posts, but yeah, as you see above, no private chats, just saying "hello!" or "how are you doing", or discuss some general things.

So far, these are the reasons why i still continue writing and enjoy every single moments of it. Because for me, it will decrease my boredom..

I think, writing can be a good therapy also for you guys, especially if you guys want to get out from your bad past, like addiction.. Because, yeah, it really worked on me.. I have reached Day 38, and right now struggling for Day 39.. And, i reached that after using writing as therapy. I feel really good!

You can write in wherever you want, maybe in a diary, a special journal or even a blog. But, since blog is quite open, maybe, if you're afraid to share, maybe you can make it personal, or at least, share with some reliable friends, so they can cheer you or motivate you to keep writing. Then, you can also get motivated to succeed during your effort in quitting addiction

You can even write whatever you want, yeah, at least it doesn't hurt any people who will or may read it. You can't write about some racial issues, or ethnical issues, or stuff that may be dangerous. You can write about...

your love (like this post, DAY 14 : PORN DESTROYED MY LOVE STORY),
your thoughts (like this post, DAY 20 : FINDING TRUSTABLE FRIENDS)
your ideas (like this post,  ,DAY 1 : THE REAL STRATEGY FOR THE QUIT or this, DAY 3 : SLEEP EARLY, SO YOU WON'T RELAPSE)
your past events (like this post, DAY 25 : I JUST GOT ACCIDENT) 
your feelings (like this post, DAY 17 : FRIENDZONE (again)) ,
or even about your idol (like what i did through this, DAY 29 : I LOVE MYSELF! and this, DAY 21 : LEARNING LIFE FROM SAKURA (CHERRY BLOSSOM)
or even you can write some stuff, like letter (like this most viewed post, DAY 26 : DEAR PORNSTAR, I STILL LOVE YOU)
or maybe a diary..

IT'S UP TO YOU!!

I think, if you want, you can share your stories to your friends, or people who you believe. Don't be shy to share, i used to be that person also, like i am so afraid one day they will hate me or mock me. But, yeah.. DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM!! Just do something you love and love something you do. So, they will never laugh at you anymore..

But, yeah... it's up to you!

If you want so LET'S START TO WRITE AND SHARE!!

DAY 11 : NEW SPIRIT TO BE PRODUCTIVE!! (especially on Writing)

24 October 2015 7:57 pm (GMT +7)

Day 11 (DAMN!! I JUST REACHED DOUBLE DIGITS!!)

After struggling on the big urge and trigger on Day 10 (or maybe 10,5). I decided to wake up and forget about it, in the morning around 8 a.m, i participated on a talkshow about enterpreneurship, emphasizing on how to become a trainer, writer, and counselor. Because, later, i really need these skills to be a better man in the future. And, after the talkshow, i really have a new spirit! Especially on writing!!

source : tumblr.com

As you have already know, i have been writing about my struggle to end this porn addiction in this blog, and for unpredictable reason, i will lose my motivation for writing. That talkshow really motivates me well, of course, in terms of how to become a trainer, counsellor and writer (it's all the theme anyway, haha).

The first theme of this talkshow is how to become a trainer. It was really great. I really feel the vibe from the trainer, she said that to be a great trainer, we need to be a "strong" person and also a clever person. She also said thatnas a trainer, we really need to have a good connection and be a little "reckless", because to be a trainer, we need to start from training small groups of people. For me, it is really important, because right now, i can train or motivate some of my friends about porn addiction, whether they have become addicted or not, so they won't touch stuff related to porn FOREVER (yeah, at least until they get married).

The second theme is about how to become a writer. This theme REALLY CHARGED ME UP!!! I used to be a writer, i even had a health blog (it's in Indonesian, anyway), but due to my porn consumption, i didn't manage it well.. it's actually not only because of porn, but also tight college schedule. The instructor also shared us his story of how he started as a writer due to some funny stuff, he criticized a stupid article about polygamy (one man marry to more than one woman) on a newspaper, and his critic is suddenly published on the same newspaper, it's axtually his very first article, he also said that he is not a top notch writer, because he never gets rejected by any newspaper until now.

What motivates me more from the second session is when he talked about the usage of writing, and he said that writing can be used as a therapy. And, i suddenly feel like "DAMN!! IT'S REALLY TRUE!!", i just realized that yesterday, i almost relapsed because i didn't write like what i supposed to do.. i actually agree that writing can be a therapy, and right now, i am starting it and it's my Day 11 writing..

He also told us about how writing can fly him abroad, and of course, i feel really motivated.. i really hope that one day, this blog will make people inspired not to be a porn sddiction, but it's not the reason why i wrote this blog. I also really dream to go abroad, 3 months ago, i just cancelled my contract to go to Lithuania due to college activity, and it's really baf for me. And i still wish, one day i will visit Japan, South Korea, or Saudi Arabia. I will tell you the reason later.

He also told us that writing should be done at least one time a day, and it can be everything,  it can be a diary (like this blog), an article, or whatever. And he also instructed us wherever or whenever any idea hits us, we should directly make a note on wherever media. Notes, tablets, whatever! This talkshiw REALLY CHARGED MY SPIRIT UP!!

I AM CHARGED UP!
Source : twitter

I even asked myself during that sessuon, "WHY DIDN'T I CONTINUE MY WRITING SPIRIT??", but it's not too late anyway. So, i have to continue!!

Actually, the last session is about how to be a counsellor, it's actually the same thing on how to be a trainer. So, it's not that significant, i even didn't pay attention to it, because i wrote my Day 10,5 post that time, lol!

So far, i think, the best therapy for this porn addiction for me is by writing. And right now, i am starting this! I hope i can shift my addiction from porn to writing (whatever).. The reason why? You can read this post!

Source : success.com

DAY 3 : SLEEP EARLY, SO YOU WON'T RELAPSE!!

16 October 2015 12:47 p.m (GMT+7)

DAY 3

In this 3rd Day of My Journey, i feel quite stressed because the schedule in my campus is really f**ked up. Yeah, seriously f**ked up. Because i started my lesson from 8 a.m until 4 p.m.

But, the thing that stressed me out is there is one-hour break and i really feel stressed, because i think, i just really want straight lesson, like from 1 p.m-3 p.m, not 1 p.m-2 p.m, and then 3p.m -4 p.m again. so, i can go home faster, and sleep for some hours.

Speaking of sleep, i just found a new method to overcome my urge on pornography, and it is "make yourself sleepy". I mean, yesterday, i learned lots of lessons in the evening, and i ended up very sleepy. In some days, i used to masturbate or maybe get exposed to porn before sleep, such as finding for sexy girl's phoros, or stuff. But, for yesterday, i overcome the urge. Because, after learning some lessons, i ended up gettig tired and sleepy. So, i slept, and when i woke up in the morning. I don't even know about any urge again.

But, i think, before you tried this method, you should have done something productive before sleep or maybe straight after wake up. Yeah, i mean, activitites, such as doing homework, reading books, or maybe writing some blogs or articles. Because, doing nothing or doing not useful thing can lead you to RELAPSE!!! And, of course, RELAPSE means that you have failed and you have to try from LEVEL 1 again.

So, yeah, if you don't want to relapse, so SLEEP EARLY, OR MAKE YOURSELF SLEEPY!!