DAY 1 : First day of work

11 March 2019, 05:14 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 1

This is my first workplace. Pray for me!

This is it. My first day of work. After 6 years of struggle in medical school, alongside pain,

procrastination and suicidal thoughts, i managed to get my Medical Doctor (MD.) degree. And now, i finally got a job in a hospital. In my country, new medical doctors need to have a one-year period of internship to get a practice licence. It can be in everywhere in my country as long as it has an agreement with the Department of Health. Today, i am assigned to work in the In-Patient Unit. While, before that, i got to do some orientations in the hospital i am assigned to.

Anyway, in this hospital, i kinda feel really alone. Not, because of how i think about my new friends. But, it’s a really new place for me. I am now working in Gresik, a city that is famous for their industries, there are really tons of industries here, while cement and fertilizer being the most famous ones. I really experience new cultures, places that i have never been before, and no one from my college that works in the same place as me, so it gave me a really new experience.

And, before my job, my anxiety and depression started to attack me again. Like, how it used to

happen. I feel easily irritated by some jokes aimed at me. It’s like several months ago, where people tried to match me with someone i actually don’t like. Not that i hate her, but, she’s just not my type. So, that kind of words kinda hurt me and i actually overthink about it. It also leads to my porn addiction relapse, which actually aggravates my mental illness. I was diagnosed with dysthymia since 2017 by a psychiatrist near my home, which is a low-grade (high-functional) depression, but it is really persistent.

So, after several considerations, i decided to talk it out with some of my old friends. My high school friends, and my college friends, about what i feel about my new friends at first. And then, i started to realize that it is me that needs some changing. I need to change how i should react to some jokes aimed at me, not being oversensitive about it. Changing my coping approach and just take it as a joke. Laugh it off, and let it go. As my friend said before,

“Never take it personally. I’ve seen one of my friend who did that. And, it turns catastrophic.”

He also said about how he was like that before. But, he changed his coping approach by suppressing it and take it as a humor. Which is, according to the books that i read, is a mature mechanism.

And then, another friend came at me and say that i need to remember my intention to come here. I remember how i said to her that the reason why i decided to move from Jogja is because i want to change myself. Eventhough, Jogjakarta, the city where i learned to be a doctor, has given me much memories. But, i had a really bad past there, as how my porn addiction exacerbates again and again, there. I don’t want to look at that again. I want to change. And, as i looked up about Gresik, my new home. It is a religious town, known for their Islamic background, while still maintaining their traditional roots. So, i feel like this city can facilitate me to get closer to GOD while finding my purpose of life. I want to get myself involved in so many activities here, so i can move on from this addiction and try to be a better person here.

Yeah, so, i think, i need to focus on my intention. Becoming a better person. Getting myself closer to GOD. Loving myself more. For a better life ahead.

And, for that, I will restart this diary writing habit for multiple days. Re-forming the habit that i have left before. Hope i can continue this constantly. And, pray for me to accomplish that!

You're Not Bad. You're Just Not Learning Good

Monday, 1 August 2016. 5:32 p.m (GMT+7)

Good evening, friends. Right now, i have to restart my NoFap journey again. This is my Day 1, because i relapsed yesterday after fighting with lots of urges and withdrawal syndromes (about to write about it later on my next post).

For last several days, i have a problem with my friends surrounding me. It's not that i hate them. I love them. But, the problem is.. i have this feeling of being inferior. It's like, i feel like everyone right now hates me or maybe talks bad things around me. I feel like they don't want to be around me for a reason. I also have suicidal thoughts lately.

In the end, i feel like i am a very bad person for them. Even there is one person talked openly to me that she always puts negative thoughts on me. I think like maybe, she represented what some of them think about me.

I don't know what to do after that words. I tried to talk to everyone else right now. But, i can't. Seems like i have trust issues right now with everyone, even my parents. I also feel like i didn't get much support from everyone right now.

But, thankfully, i still get a few that wants to listen to what my lung wants to scream right now. And, one of them gave me such an amazing solution.

He said this,
"It's okay to make mistakes, it's a learning process. Don't be stressed and don't feel so inferior when you make it. I know some people will take you as a bad person if you don't make a good outcome. But, actually, you are not bad, you are just not prepared for it. So, one day, just be prepared for everything that may happen to you when you do something.

So, learn in a good way. Learn from the mistakes you do."

I feel like this is a really good advice. I still think i haven't learned much from any mistake i have done in the past. So, that's why i keep doing almost the same mistake. I have to decrease the chance for mistake right now, so one day i can be a better person.

And also, i just want to have my own motivation again. I just don't want to feel like inferior to all the friends i know. I also need to learn again from the mistakes i have done in my NoFap journey so i won't relapse again.... and again....

Please pray for me, my friends!

DAY 25 : I JUST GOT AN ACCIDENT! (+Evaluation)

7 November 2015 4:48 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 25

If you're reading this post, i just got an accident!! Of course, it was bad. Even, it is the worst accident i ever had (i actually had for about 5 accidents in my 20 years of living, 1 of them not as a driver, i hope this will be my last).

For this time, i was a driver of the motorcycle. It was really the worst, because this is the first accident that involved bruises. I got 4 bruises, even my trouser ripped at that time. So, i decided to go to hospital seeking for some medical helps, since they are dirty wounds.

At that time, i started to do some evaluations, why would this happen? Sadly, this is not the first accident i experienced this year, this is the second. And, the funny thing is both of them were related with My NoFap struggle. I mean, seriously. I just think, this is the sign from GOD that my sins related to pornography are already deleted, because from what i have learned,

"Pain will delete your sins"

So, i just hope that my NoFap struggle has been appreciated by GOD, so this will gain me another spirit for life.

Anyway, not only from that, i have to fix myself from this case. I learned that it happened due to lack of concentration. I mean, seriously, it happened because another motorcycle suddenly crossed my motorcycle, and i didn't pay much attention for it. So, yeah, i lost my balance. AND BOOM! I fell and yeah, got some bruises.

I just hope it is gonna be my last accident ever. And, of course, i hope it won't give me relapse, because right now, i have to wear shorts, since i got bruises on my knee.

Yeah, please pray for my fast recovery so i can have good activity next week.

DAY 15 - ALMOST RELAPSE (AGAIN)! (+Evaluation)

28 October 2015, 05:11 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 15

DAMN!! I almost relapsed.. Actually, when i slept, suddenly, a sex scene comes to my dream, i didn't peek on any porn-related stuff at that time, but it comes! And, in the end, i almost had an orgasm, i never felt this. Like, you usually have an orgasm, after masturbating. But, at this point, it's like a sudden orgasm.

But, thank GOD, i didn't make it, i still managed to maintain myself for not having any orgasm.. So, yeah, the struggle is still on!

When i woke up, i evaluated myself on what's wrong.. And, i found out that i almost relapsed, because i stayed up late, i slept at 1:00 a.m, i actually have slept at around 9 p.m, because i felt sleepy, and also i have a little problem with my laptop batteries. That's why i got this urge..

So, yeah.. prepare again for another urge!! And also, sleep earlier!!

DAY 12 & 13 : NOT QUANTITY, BUT QUALITY (Meaning Of Friendship)

26 October 2015 10:56 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 12 & 13 (i will be writing about what happened between these 2 days)

Yesterday (25 Oct) at about 3 p.m, i chatted on Skype with my new friend from South Korea, bro Albert. He is actually one of the NoFap motivator, he also has a YouTube account that contains of his NoFap story, or also some good motivations. You can check his YouTube channel here --> Albert An

Not only that, he is also a founder of a good application called Battle Goal (you can find it on Play Store for Android, or maybe App Store for Apple users). It's actually an application that can be used as a platform to reduce or get rid of any addiction, but actually most of users are struggling against Porn Addiction (including ME!).

We chatted for about 10 minutes on Skype, yeah, mostly we talked about Introduction and the possible updates on Battle Goal or whatever. But, in the end, after the chat, i just realized that i am actually friendlier in social media world rather than in the real world. Yeah.. i really have less friends, not because i am actually a bad person, but actually, i am a little bit introvert.

I wrote stuff about friendship now, because i have just decided to stay away from my good friends. Yeah, i'm not gonna say my friendship with him is over, but i actually make a distance towards him, because of his attitude. He even opened to some of my friends about my porn addiction, because he found out about it. Not only that, i think that he is using me for his profit. But, yeah, i hope i might be wrong. But, wait! STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM, anyway. haha!

After that, i talked to some of my good friends about my friendship, becuase my mom also concerned about it). And then, i remembered one of them said this.

"Friendship is not about the quantity, but it's about the quality"

Yeah! I've been losing friends due to porn addiction. They don't even know actually about my addiction, but yeah, porn indirectly breaks your friendship, as what my friend in Whatsapp group has said in another post before. But, of course, not all of them hates you, there are still some of them who still treated me good. And that makes me really happy! Eventhough, right now, i feel that i have more friend on social media rather than in real life, i still feel happy, because i still have a place where i can share my feeling, and of course they understand my feeling, and motivates me to do better and better.

And today, i feel really happy because i did a great job, i helped my friends on group assignments, and they also thought me in positive way. Also, i understood the lectures really well, and so on! I really think my friend is right that,

"Friendship is not about the quantity, but it's about the quality"

No matter how many friends you have, but as long as you can still maintain it well, and they understand and respect everything about you, it's okay. That is still besides you and still motivate you when you're up and down.
Not just some bullshit fake friends who likes you for their own profit, but when you are down, they leave you, and they treat you like nothing.

And right now, i am still proud that my good friends still motivate me and always help me to quit for this Porn Addiction. I really want to thank them and hope the best for all of them!

To my friends, or readers, if you have less friends, here are some pictures for you!

DAY 10.5 - ALMOST RELAPSE!

24 October 2015 10:05 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 10.5 (i supposed to write hours before, on 23 October, but, due to assignment, i write it now, on Day 11)

If you're reading this post, i almost relapsed!!! It's actually crazy because i almost relapse after 10 Day of struggle.. it all started because i saw a nude video by accident, and the urge is really going high after that. This event happened when i slept after working on assignments.. and it happened before i sleep!! Yeah, i often also relapsed before i sleep

Hours before that, i also gained an urge after havig stressed due to my friend's bullshit joke.  They used my bad past as a joke, and somehow, i feel so uncomfortable. So i ended up telling about the urge to my friends. And to decrease it, i watched a documentary of famous hiphop group named N.W.A (if you guys know Straight Outta Compton, you know who they are). and yeah, i overcome it well

So, for those two events, i didn't end up masturbating or even continuing to get exposed on pornography. But, they both give me urges that is always hard to overcome. And right after i woke up, i did evaluation on why i let those urges happened.

And, i just found out that i slept too late, at that night, i slept around 1 a.m, and i just realized i forgot what i have written before, that i have to sleep earlier to prevent the urge to hit me again.

So, if you're reading this post, please sleep early!! I mean, seriously! SLEEP EARLY!! At least, sleep based on your biological clock, or the easy way, sleep based on when you used to!!

DAY 7 : THE STRESS IS COMING!

20 October 2015, 11:03 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 7

Yeah.. as you already read on the title. The stress is coming!

Actually, by the time i wrote this post, i have just managed it well. But, seems i am still continuing my streak for NoFap (porn quits), i still need to prepare for bigger stress.

So, let me write everything about the stress i have just felt during this day..

1. I suddenly didn't feel motivated to go and study at college
2. I just found that i need to pay for something that i didn't even belong to
3. I lost my lunch bill on canteen (yeah, Thank GOD i still remembered how much money i have to pay for it)

Actually, only 3 kinds of stress that came to me today, but yeah, every stress can be a trigger for me to relapse. And, suddenly, when i have lunch, the URGE IS COMING!!

So, what i did is, i joined WhatsApp group called "No Fapperz", which is always supportive toward each other, and i also joined kik group called "Battle Goal". Both of them are really supportive for the member. And, when the stress comes, i chatted through my friends in "No Fapperz" group. And, THANK GOD.. one of the member responded earlier, by giving me motivation so i won't relapse on the day.

So, i chatted with my friend on the group chat about my stress. Anyway, his name is Ali, from Iran. And, we chatted a lot about several stuff, also i told him about my background. After exchanging stories toward each other, i completely lost my urge! SO, YEAH!! I MANAGED NOT TO RELAPSE TODAY!!

When i came back home, i took some cold showers (not cold anyway) in the afternoon, and i just realized that all these problems and stresses i felt during the day happened because i forgot to read Qur'an (Islamic Holy Book) today (at least 1 page). This is really sad because throughout my porn quit, i always read Qur'an in the morning or afternoon the day before.

I think, this is God's punishment to me due to my failure to read Qur'an daily. So, yeah, i managed it well today, and not relapsed also today.

The moral of the story is.. when you get stressed, i think, you should share to some of your friends who understands you more or at least willing to help you, or maybe, have some fun!

But, i have to prepare for another big stuff to happen. Like what DJ Khaled said, you should always prepare for..

ANOTHER ONE!!!!
Source : kanyetothe.com