You're Not Bad. You're Just Not Learning Good

Monday, 1 August 2016. 5:32 p.m (GMT+7)

Good evening, friends. Right now, i have to restart my NoFap journey again. This is my Day 1, because i relapsed yesterday after fighting with lots of urges and withdrawal syndromes (about to write about it later on my next post).

For last several days, i have a problem with my friends surrounding me. It's not that i hate them. I love them. But, the problem is.. i have this feeling of being inferior. It's like, i feel like everyone right now hates me or maybe talks bad things around me. I feel like they don't want to be around me for a reason. I also have suicidal thoughts lately.

In the end, i feel like i am a very bad person for them. Even there is one person talked openly to me that she always puts negative thoughts on me. I think like maybe, she represented what some of them think about me.

I don't know what to do after that words. I tried to talk to everyone else right now. But, i can't. Seems like i have trust issues right now with everyone, even my parents. I also feel like i didn't get much support from everyone right now.

But, thankfully, i still get a few that wants to listen to what my lung wants to scream right now. And, one of them gave me such an amazing solution.

He said this,
"It's okay to make mistakes, it's a learning process. Don't be stressed and don't feel so inferior when you make it. I know some people will take you as a bad person if you don't make a good outcome. But, actually, you are not bad, you are just not prepared for it. So, one day, just be prepared for everything that may happen to you when you do something.

So, learn in a good way. Learn from the mistakes you do."

I feel like this is a really good advice. I still think i haven't learned much from any mistake i have done in the past. So, that's why i keep doing almost the same mistake. I have to decrease the chance for mistake right now, so one day i can be a better person.

And also, i just want to have my own motivation again. I just don't want to feel like inferior to all the friends i know. I also need to learn again from the mistakes i have done in my NoFap journey so i won't relapse again.... and again....

Please pray for me, my friends!

Life Is Unpredictable (Thoughts On Orlando)

13 June 2016, 10:16 p.m (GMT+7)

First of all, as a Muslim, i want to send my deepest condolences to the victims of shooting in a nightclub in Orlando. I also ask for you all the readers not to denounce Muslim as terrorist religion, since we know that the shooter is a Muslim, and the nightclub that get shot is a gay club.

source : heavy.com

To be honest with you, my religion, Islam is really against any form of LGBTQ, but it doesn't mean that we have to mock them, or even end their life. We still need to respect them and pray the GOD for the best situation for them, because GOD can judge them, not US. The same thing we should also do to everyone who hates Muslim and condemn us as terrorists or whatever bad it is.

Just a matter of fact, i don't even get how a Muslim shot these 50 people in a nightclub while all of Muslims are right now on Ramadan month, doing fasting, and losing our desires. And, this guy even decide to kill people. He must be a fake Muslim, because Ramadan is actually used as a test to cleanse ourselves from sins and some bad desires, including sex and pornography from sunrise to sunset. But, we have to apply this also everyday. WHY IS HE DOING THAT??

Anyway, Ramadan Mubarak to all Muslims around the world!

source : assabile.com

Speaking of Orlando, last weekend must be really tough for that city. TWO headlines are coming from the city last weekend and they are all about shooting!. We know about the nightclub shooting that has killed 50+ people took place in the city. But, 1 day before this, another tragic shooting happened quite near from the nightclub. It only took one person's life, but she's not just a person. The victim is a famous YouTuber and musician named Christina Grimmie. She was shot after her concert by someone that just came to Orlando to shoot her. The shooter also died.

source : rt.com

Most of you might know her from The Voice, yeah she ranked 3rd there and get some mentoring from Adam Levine (Maroon 5 vocalist). But, i have personally known her even before she auditioned for The Voice. She often uploads her covering some pop songs on YouTube. My first introduction to her was about 5 years ago when she did a song by Nelly called "Just A Dream", and i was impressed by her voice and also her look. She is so beautiful, and you can even see that beauty from the inside. She has a really great smile, and seems so down-to-earth.

"Now if you ever love somebody, put your hands up, and now they're gone and now you wish you could give them everything"
Now, this part is really sad. Never cry like this in every celebrity's death. It's almost the same as my grandfather's death 7 months ago.

I kinda want to say she has turned into a celebrity crush for me (anyway, i really have lots of celebrity crushes). Yeah, i had a really big crush on her. It is crazy because i used to listen to her songs, download her YouTube videos, even posted her lyrics on my social media accounts. So crazy moments, even i shared her videos to some of my friends. I think that she introduced me to the good side of YouTube (yeah, right now, we have seen lots of stupid stuff on YouTube). Anyway, i also found out that i even made a fan video about her.

Believe me. That's my video. I made it 4 years ago. I was 16 years old and so maniac about her at that time. Right now, i already changed my laptop and also i don't use anyone as new my wallpaper. I just used a random screenshot from my favorite music video by Kendrick Lamar called "Alright".

Oh My God! I really wrote about her so much i even forgot to tell the main thing about this post. Her death was a shocking news not only to her fans, but also to lots of her friends, fellow YouTubers, or even musicians. Lots of celebrities shared their condolences and even tributed her in their own performances, such as Charlie Puth, Miranda Lambert, Fifth Harmony, Meghan Trainor, Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber. WOW! I think, for all the celebrity death reports in 2016, this may be the worst i have ever read, since lots of deaths were due to some chronic diseases. 

From all the 2 incidents above, i learned a really important thing that

"LIFE IS UNPREDICTABLE, WE KNOW THE STARTING POINT BUT WE DON'T KNOW THE END"

If i can ask to them now, or maybe in the past, they choose not to die like this. But, GOD made a different decisions for them. We may get angry, regretful, or even sad, but it already happened. And maybe while reading this, we may ask

"How if these things happen to you?"

So, by this post, i just want to remind you guys, and also for myself that while we are still living in this world, we need to spread lots of love to each other. Spread some positivity, do lots of positive things, enjoy the struggle and work hard. And if you still have mistakes toward people, just ask for apologize and also, forgive everyone for their mistakes they have done to you.

"You only get one shot, do not miss your chance and blow
Cause the opportunity comes once in a lifetime"Eminem - Lose Yourself

To end this post, i just want to say

Rest In Peace to 50+ people that get murdered in Orlando nightclub, and
Rest In Peace to my old time celebrity crush, Christina Victoria Grimmie.

Words Does Hurt

25 May 2016, 7;48 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 0

So, while finding some writing inspirations on Facebook, i found this awesome post about words from my writing friend.

Here is the post --> Words

Let me tell you before, i am not a Christian, but i can really relate on this post, and i really remembered an unsatisfactory experience (we do know, experience is the best teacher) because maybe several weeks ago (i forgot the exact date, i just want to forget it anyway), i have a problem with someone, just because of using a naughty words. I know i used it as a joke, but the reaction seems not. And, i did it to a girl that i had a crush on. DAMN! Let's say her name is Linda (not a real name).

And that moment happened when i relapsed on this Porn Addiction.

Yeah, actually, there is a random post sharing a picture of a cute and beautiful female artist. And i saw Linda commenting like this, "OOH MY GIRL!", like a form of admiration. And then, you all know, i just get messed up that day, so i commented with an explicit word (it's really bad that i feel really regretful if i have to rewind that moment again, the word starts with the letter L, the second one is E). I actually used that word as a joke.

But, yup, that joke went too far. She really hated me, i know maybe she felt bad, she even started posting some series of tweets aiming at me, like saying

"YOU MAY BE GENIUS, BUT IF YOU HAVE BAD ATTITUDE, YOU ARE NOTHING"
(i actually forgot what she tweeted actually, she just locked her twitter account, so i don't have access anymore by the time i wrote this)

Yeah, i already make her hate me right now. Maybe, i think, if i could met her at that time, she could probably feel really heartbroken and just getting enraged at me. Or, maybe, she might throw some heavy objects or maybe sharp objects wishing to see me dead.

The worse thing is i almost think of calling her a "B-word" or "S-word" (you know, word that starts with a letter B and S that is really inappropriate if you say to every women in the world. EXCEPT, if you are working in industries related to sex or pornography)

I already felt bad about myself after that. I could have said something better, but i just did something really really wrong. Our relationship is really over, she blocked me on social media, and maybe right now, she started to take me as a really bad person. Even when i did something good right now, she might stereotype me as a bad one. 

We all know, people can forgive but people will never forget, as long as they still have brains. They are always connected to every significant memories they have.

I also lost some of my friends due to WORDS.

WORDS ARE REALLY SHARP. YUP, REAL SHARP!

This event really proved that Words are even harder than Swords right now. So, let's just start with all positive words right now. If you are still on social media, think before you post. People have different approach on your words. Maybe, they are fine with your joke, but not all. Some of them may take it seriously, and report to the police for violating the rules. In Indonesia, post that has a mocking tone could probably end up in a jail. 

THERE ARE LOTS OF CASES ABOUT BEING PRISONED DUE TO A SOCIAL MEDIA POST. I MEAN IT, A LOT!

YEAH, Words are really like Swords. It is good if you use it in a good way, like cutting something. But, it can harm everyone even yourself if you use it vice versa. 

Use your empathy

Tongue does have no bone, it's an Indonesian famous proverb. It's not gonna be useful or harmful by itself, you are the one who decides it.

GOOD EVENING EVERYONE!

ABOUT TO START YOUTUBE!

18 March 2016, 8:46 p.m (GMT+7)

So, lately, i've been getting bored all the time, yeah, my academic session actually just ended, but i have to wait for a test that will be done on middle of April, and the test is actually a remediation of one test that i failed, it's actually a skill test though, so i just need to learn about the procedure, and practice it and yeah, still getting bored.

Lately, i've been trying myself to do some writings but i ended up getting writer's block, eventhough in the last 2 weeks, i just made a buzz by making my 2 writings about hip-hop become "HEADLINE ARTICLE" in a larger site, called Kompasiana. It's actually a blogging site, free for everyone to access and write in that site. And, seriously, i made 2 HEADLINES!! My writings have become discussion from everyone inside Indonesian hip-hop scene. Even after those writings, my Facebook just got more friend requests from rappers or at least, some hip-hop fans. It's good for me but sometimes, it kinda gives me more pressure to write something better. So, i started to do a review writings for some hip-hop songs that newly drop. I need to increase my ability in hip-hop, since people right now think that i am already "mastering" in hip-hop, but honestly, i have never dropped anything related to hip-hop. Songs, Lyrics, Beats, or whatever the components..

Yeah, as you know that boredom and stress gave you more urges, so 2-3 days ago, i just relapsed due to my disability to handle that. Since that relapse, i started to get my writer's block BACK!! I really don't know what to write or at least, how to start my writing, it's bad!!

And right now, i just think of anything else to motivate me on staying productive! AND YEAH!! I JUST GOT AN IDEA.. I WILL START MAKING YOUTUBE VIDEOS, or at least, VLOGS!! I will be sharing what my YouTube channel is about.

So, wait for it, folks!

5/100 : ME ON VALENTINE'S DAY

14 February 2015, 8:30 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 5 of 100

So, today is 14 February! AND, TODAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY!!

YEAAAY!! YEAAY!! YEE........... (i am still single, :"""""( *cries)

Anyway, in my lovely country, there has been some controversies against Valentine's Day. Since, the majority of us are Muslim, and most people who celebrates Valentine's Day are Christian, or i think, it has something related with Christianity, i don't know actually, just feel free to correct me.

Even there is a movement called "I Am Muslim and I Say No To Valentine", which i think it's really bullshit and against the tolerance. As you know, Indonesia is a country which has lots of ethnics, races, and of course, cultures, and religions. We actually have 6 religions which are accepted by our government. And, of course, we live together in tolerance as we are already taught by our ideology.

Of course, i don't celebrate Valentine's Day, i am not against it, but i just think it doesn't make sense to celebrate it, one of the reason is because i am still single (i am not dating any girl, eventhough i almost, but yeah. ALMOST IS NEVER ENOUGH!!)

Let me give the better explanation, also from my own perspective.

Mostly, on Valentine's Day, people state their love and give some presents, mostly chocolate, flowers, or some pink objects. I just think that if people celebrate Valentine's Day just to give those things, i think, why should we wait for Valentine's Day, while we can even give them everyday? or at least we can just give them whenever you want!

You can even state your love to someone whenever you want, because LOVE IS A RACE!

So, one more time, i am not against Valentine's Day, but i am not going to celebrate Valentine's Day like what most people do, eventhough i remembered 2 years ago, i got a chocolate from a girl (she has dated with friend, though)

Happy Valentine's Day
Everyday the 14th!!

Anyway, Valentine's Day can also lead to some possible sexual relationships, just don't do unsafe sex, or at least, don't even visit porn if you are single!!

4/100 : GAINING SOME WEIGHTS! (+Evaluation

13 February 2016, 8:28 p.m (GMT+7)

Day 4

So, basically, i just want to do some food delivery today, and i just realized that i've been so much food lately these days. It even makes me feel some kind of way.. I mean, bad!

Yeah,  i feel really afraid on my body image, because i don't want to get fatter because it is just dangerous for our health (you know, i am right now in obese image, and i want to get off that image, because obesity can lead you to some metabolic diseases)

So, i decided to check on my body weight, and EXACTLY!! I JUST GAINED SOME WEIGHTS!! My weight just increased for about 2 kgs, it is like 4 pounds or something. And of course, i feel bad about it!

I don't feel bad because i hate being fat people, but i just hate being unhealthy people. If i check on my BMI (body mass index), right now, i am in obese status, which has more risks to get some metabolic diseases, like diabetes, stroke, heart attack, or maybe CANCER! You all know that cancer is a really dangerous disease that can kill anyone! I already wrote this on my last posts (i guess)

Anyway, right now, i decided to evaluate on why i gained some weights!

First, i eat lots of snacks! And also eat lots of foods, i didn't eat healthy foods, i just ate some junk foods

Second, i seldom take physical activity, or maybe with less intensity

Third, i don't check my weight frequently (i used to check it everyday, but today, i even forgot to check it)

Anyway, tomorrow, i will be joining a seminar about how to get healthy, i just hope it will motivate me to be a better in life, and also to have 24 hours of better life!!

I am just thinking maybe i should get some laxatives or something, so i might probably go for some anorexia nervosa. But, yeah, i just want to look healthy! THAT'S IT!!

4/100 : THE TRUTH ABOUT ISLAM

13 February 2016, 8:41 a.m (GMT+7)

Day 4

Finally, i have reached Day 4, and it's really crazy, i've got so many urges, but i can overcome it well. Right now, i finally have one of my good friends who will be joining my NoFap struggle and it's always good that we can support each other for better life.

Anyway, i haven't written for a really long time, because i really lack of inspiration, and also some concentrations to write, though. It's crazy, because i haven't felt any urge to write some stuff, and i just read about the Beyonce's Superbowl Performance that just got lots of controversies, like it was talking about Black Panther or something, about the Black Lives Matter movement, or something. I think, it came first from a young female anchor named Tomi Lahren, while criticizing Beyonce's performance as.. a protest against police, it's just a protest against police brutality, which is somehow crazy and i can also relate to this, since some of police officers in my country are also acting like they can't do.

You know, some of them just want money and promotion, or maybe.... women, it's not a secret anymore though, because in my country, there are lots of police officers do that thing (i just hope it will be decreasing).

Anyway, i am not in a good position to talk about that, but when i searched about Tomi Lahren on YouTube, i also found an interview of her with Pamela Geffer, that is commonly known as an "Islamophobia" or maybe, in the better way, we can say it as "a person who is against Jihadism", where they finally agree to combat Jihadism on what have some "Muslims" done in America (it even leads to Donald Trump's statement to ban any Muslim immigrants to enter USA, which doesn't make any sense) and also they also agree on combating Radical Islam.

(there is a YouTube video of the interview, and all the comments toward it are just bullshiting our religion)

So, i decided to visit Pamela Geller's blog about Muslim and i saw how biased her posts are about Muslim, most of them are relating about terrorism and some violence Muslims do to force them to convert to Muslim, and the bad thing is she wrote her posts under the tag "The Truth About Islam"

Okay, here is the truth about Islam!

First of all, Islam if you check for the etiological meaning, it is from the word "Salam", it means Peace. So, yeah, Islam itself means Peace. So, why are people bragging about Islam?

Because Islam supports terrorism? Islam forces people to convert to it? Islam promotes Violence? Islam is weird?? Islam has some radicals? Islam is not tolerant?

Friends, don't believe on some media says about Islam! We are actually a good people and we are taught to be it. We are against terrorism, we are against violence. Some of the people who did the violence, or we just say that as an extremist, or maybe radicals, they are not really learning our religion well. They just took some verses from the Qur'an, and yeah, they just took it, they don't learn deeper about the message contained on that verses.

Let's talk about ISIS! People really hate them, and so do we! ISIS is just a mockery for our religion. And, you just said that they are killing Non-Muslims? YOU ARE TOTALLY WRONG? They even killed lots of Muslim people in some Muslim countries, like Syria, or Palestine, or even my country! Really.. They just bombed one of our places a month ago.

Here is the link!
ISIS claims responsibility for Jakarta gun and bomb attacks (January 2016)
or maybe this video!

And Islam also promotes tolerance! REALLY!! People are currently protesting on Islam as the most increasing religion in the world. But, i just think, because people also have a good time on knowing the message of Islam. It's not because they are forced to be a Muslim. We don't force them! If there is someone forcing you, i suggest you not to follow him. Because, for me, that person is not actually a real Muslim, he/she already got sins, for not respecting other religion.

Basically, it means that there is no forces to convert to Islam, really. Even, our Holy Qur'an told about that (you can ask me for the proof if you want). We are just told to spread the value of Islam in a good and peaceful way, not by committing violence or bombing. Because, we see all people not from their religions, we only see them from their characters, or maybe their looks (just kidding!), but as long as you are a good and respectful person, you are good for us! We are not going to bomb you or shoot you.

So, basically, that's the simple truth about Islam. I just hoped Islamophobia don't exist again in every country, especially in USA (since i heard Ben Carson and Donald Trump have negative thoughts on Islam, it means we are afraid of what will happen this year if both of them become president of USA, and how the relationship will go within USA and my country), or France, or Australia, or everywhere. 

So, as a Muslim, i want to ask for forgiveness for everything ISIS or some "radical Muslims" do to your country! They are actually a big mockery and false representative for us, they just take verses from Holy Qur'an and don't digest it well. We are Religion of Peace..

I see all of you guys based on your character, not your religion or what you believed in. I hope you see the same from me.

Feel free to contact me through Twitter, and Facebook, i will try to answer it the best, or you can just search about it if you want :)

God Bless You, guys! And have a great time!

PS : This is a video on what some people say about Islam, most of them are good statements...